THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE
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April 2003
Wilson Chapter Secedes!!!
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Mercury City: On Friday, April 4, the Wilson Chapter of the Knights of Bohemia formally announced their secession from the Knights in order to form their own coalition, the Almighty Wilson Union.
Bohemian top brass have been expecting this movement to come for some time, or at least since yesterday. The notice came in an e-mail from Sir Chulk to Sir Byrun Sexxalought, who then relayed the information to Sir Vyborny, who relayed the info to Sir Schottenfroida who then told Sir Jerome Lafaire, etc. In the message, the various members of the Almighty Wilson Union made thirteen demands, the gist of which can be found at the MSNBCNN war center page elsewhere on this site. The KNights have decided that this unprovoked attack is unacceptable, and are ready for war.
Sir Vyborny and Sir Schottenfroida have been rapidly seperating the Loyalists from the Unionists and preparing the Loyalist Knights to march into war. Vyborny released this statement to the Great Metopian Public: "Be on the lookout for any Unionist forces. If you see any, or if see Strongkey, Chulk, Igneous of Vesuvius, Phileas of the Nine Sabres, or MacBastard the Plaid, I ask that you hurl your rotten meats and cheeses at them. Thank you and have a nice day."
Metopian Air Force Victorious
by Carter "Louie The Mouth" McGavin
Queens: Early Tuesday morning the skies over Queens erupted into total mayhem as a Unionist strike force led by MacBastard the Plaid staged a bombing raid. Their apparent target was the new Metopia Inc. shoelace factory. Things would've been disasterous, and Metopia would've been left without shoelaces for years to come if the Unionist's forces battle plans hadn't been interupted by Sir Nobunaga. It seems that upon devising the air raid, Sir Igneous of Vesuvius of the Almighty Wilson Union quickly attempted to relay the information to Sir Strongkey via telephone. Unfortuneatly for him, he forgot that Sir Nobunaga was #1 on his speed-dial, not Sir Strongkey. Sir Nobunaga was reported to have said, "Yeah, that guy's a dumbass." Making use of this top-secret information, Sir Byrun Sexxalought managed to lay a trap for the Almighty Wilson Union. When the 13 members of the Wilson strike force came flying in on their armored puffins equipped with molotov cocktails and cheese, they were met by the 14,000 f-15s of the 307th Armored Division of the Metopian Air Force (aka the Luftwaffe) equipped with air-to-puffin missiles and cheese. In a spectacular 1/2 week battle, all 13 armored puffins were destroyed. Unfortuneatly, MacBastard the Plaid escaped with minor injuries by using his kilt as a parachute. Sir Sexxalought released the following statement: "It was kind o a close battle, I guess. I think one of those puffins came really close to taking a crap on my jet. Don't worry though, I blew the hell out of him with a sidewinder missile. It was pretty cool." Metopian officials report that no shoelaces or cheeses were harmed in the battle.
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