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  • Jokes 001-200
  • A Bartender is just a pharmasist with a limited inventory.
  • I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
  • A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • A closed mind doesn't need drugs, it's allready wasted.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in Dead.
  • A cubilce is just a padded cell without a door.
  • I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
  • A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
  • IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    A flashlight is just a case for holding dead batteries.
    I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
    A fool and his money are soon partying.
    If a man's home is his castle, he can learn to clean it.
    According to my best recollection, I can't remember.
    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    Adults are just kids who owe money.
    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    Alcohol and calculators don't mix, never drink and derive.
    If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
    All generalizations are false, including this one.
    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
    All men are idiots, and I married thier king.
    If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
    All that glitters has a high refractive index.
    If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
    All those who believe in psychokinesis rasie my hand.
    If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
    Allow me to introduce myselves.
    If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
    Always forgive your ememies, nothing annoys them more.
    If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
    Always remember, pillage first, burn later.
    If you remember the 60's and 70's, you weren't there.
    Anarchy is better than no government at all.
    If you're happy and you know it, see a shrink.
    Archeologists will date any old thing.
    If you're rich, I'm single.
    Artificial intelligence is no match for real stupidity.
    Illiterate: Write today for free help.
    Atheism is a non-profit organization.
    I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
    Back off, I'm a postal worker.
    I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate...I've got it all.
    Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse.
    I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.
    Be nice to your kids, they'll chose your nursing home.
    I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
    Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
    I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
    Beautify Texas, put a yankee on a bus.
    I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting.
    Beauty is on the eye of the beer holder.
    I'm not un-employed, I'm a consultant.
    Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore.
    I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
    Black holes, where GOD divided by zero.
    I'm out of estrogen, and I have a gun...Any questions?
    Body by nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
    In dog years I'm dead.
    Born free...Taxed to death.
    In space your cat can't hear you open the can.
    Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?
    Is is time for your medication or mine?
    Cats make great pets, out of thier owners.
    Is there life before coffee?
    Caution: driver applying make-up.
    It's been Monday all week.
    It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    It's OUR money, not theIRS.
    Chaos, panic, disorder, my work here is done.
    Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
    Clap one hand if you love Budda.
    Keep honking, I'm reloading.
    Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
    Kiss me twice, I'm schizophrenic.
    Conserve water, shower with a friend.
    Learn from your parent's mistakes, use birth control.
    Corduroy Pillows: they're making headlines.
    Make WAR not SEX, it's safer.
    Criminal lawyer is a redundacy.
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
    Dad's the boss, right mommy?
    Money talks, mine always says Goodbye.
    Daytona Beach, the redneck Riviera.
    Multi-Tasking: Screwing up several things at once.
    Depression, Anger without enthusiasm.
    My Ex gave me a reason to live, Revenge.
    Dislexics of the world....untie.
    My wife's other car is a broom.
    Do unto others before they do unto you.
    Never fight ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
    Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
    Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
    Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
    Never play leap-frog with a Unicorn.
    Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
    Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
    Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
    Nice perfume, must you marinate in it.
    Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.
    No matter where you go, there you are.
    Don't steal, the government hates competition.
    No one is listening until you make a mistake.
    Dont take life seriously, it's not permanent.
    Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
    Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.
    Not tonight dear, I have a modem.
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
    So what is the speed of Dark?
    Earth first, we'll strip mine the other planets later.
    OK, I take it back, Un-Scew You.
    Earth is full, go home.
    Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnibenevolent, Pick two.
    Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
    Overdrawn? but I still have checks left.
    Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
    Practice safe housing...use Condos.
    Few women admit thier age, few men act it.
    Real men don't ask directions.
    Fight crime, shoot back.
    Re-Hab is for Quitters.
    Filthy stinking rich...we'll, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
    Remember my'll be screaming it later.
    Fish tremble at the sould of my name.
    Schizophrenia beats being alone.
    Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
    Flying saucers are real, the Air-Force doesn't exixt.
    Shin, a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    Friends don't let friends drive naked.
    So many pedestrians, so little time.
    Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    Speak softly, but carry an M-16.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    Stop inbreeding...ban RAP music.
    Go ahead and honk, I'm re-loading.
    Take a bite out of taste like chicken.
    Gravity always get me down.
    The best things in life aren't things.
    Gun control is being able to hit your target.
    The best wat to change someone's mind is with a rock.
    Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier.
    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    Guys have feelings too, but, like who cares.
    The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere.
    Had a life, traded it for a faster modem.
    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
    Hire a teenager, while they still know everything.
    The older you get, the better you realize you were.
    How do I set my lazer printer to stun?
    The opposite of PROgress is CONgress.
    Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
    They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
    Husband and cat lost...Reward for cat.
    This is not an abandoned vehicle.
    I am woman, I am invincable, I am tired.
    This vehicle stops at all garage sales.
    I brake for no apparent reason.
    Time flies when you don't know waht you are doing.
    I can't remember if I'm the good twin, or the evil one.
    To a cat people are just furniture that does tricks.
    I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do.
    To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
    I don't deserve self esteem.
    Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
    I never lie, cheat, or steal unnecessarily.
    Vegitartian: Indain word for lousy hunter.
    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    We are born naked, wet, and hungry...then things get worse.
    I fell like a new man, do you have one I could use?
    Welcome to Texas: now go Home.
    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    What happens if you get scared 1/2 to death twice?
    I get plenty of exercize just pushing my luck.
    When God made man, she was only kidding.
    I this motorhome for my wife, best deal I ever made.
    When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
    I hate coffee, it keeps me awake at work.
    When there's a will, I want to be in it.
    I intend to live forever, so far so good.
    Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
    I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
    Whisper my favorite words...I'll buy iy for you.
    I owe it all to my boss...nausea, paranoia, ulcers.
    Who needs drugs, I go broke just buying books.
    I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
    Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
    I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
    Why do they put braile on the bank's drive through machines?
    I saw Elvis making crop circles.
    Will litigate for food.
    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
    Will work for food. Will beg for sex.
    I still miss my ex...but my aim is improving.
    Will write code for food.
    I took an IQ test, but the results were negative.
    Work harder... Millions on welfare depend on you.