Guilty Secret
I walk her back to her quarters and, with one last hug,
leave her be. I know that she’s crying again, I can hear her through the door
as I walk away, but it’s wrong for me to comfort her any more than I have.
Gabriel's dead, and despite
myself, I’m glad.
Its wrong for me to feel that
way, and I wish I didn’t, but now Rommie’s going to stay, and that’s all
that matters.
I make my way along the corridors to my own cabin, fighting
the urge to turn around, to go back and tell Rommie that she’s not alone, to
tell her how I really feel for her, but now’s not the time: It’s never the
time.
I know how she feels. What? That
surprises you? I was Argosy Special Forces before I became captain of the
Andromeda, and nether are jobs you get if you’re not observant, if you don’t
pick things up, even if people try to hide them. I knew how Andromeda felt
before The Fall, and I must say I found it flattering at first. Then Harper
built Rommie, and I’d have to be as blind as a Nightsider not to see how she
looks at me, how she reacted when I said we had to keep our relationship
strictly professional. I didn’t want to say that, but I was still mourning
Sera, and didn’t want to face up to my feelings.
It’s never time.
I almost told her back when we where sent to the prison
planet by the Tribunal Council. I was glad for the chance to be alone with
Rommie, but she almost died, and I was scared of losing her. I almost told her
again when I was complaining to her about the way the others treated the
Andromeda like a cruise ship, but then we had our run-in with the Pax
Magellanic, and Rommie was scared at what she might become if she let her
emotions guide her.
I wish I could talk to someone about this, but the only one
who I can trust to keep it a secret is Rev Bem, and I know what he’d say: let
your feelings guide you, and trust in the Devine. Thanks Rev, but last time I
did that, I ended up killing 100,000- Neitscheans when we found ourselves
back at the battle of Witchhead Nebula. God only knows what would happen
this time.
I love Rommie (there, I’ve finally admitted it to my
self. Happy?), but I don’t want her to end up like Pax, so I can’t tell her
how I feel. I know the others think I’m uncaring, and Rommie thinks her love
for me is unrequited, but its not. It never was.
I stand in the middle of my quarters, trying to forget the
relief I felt when Rommie was forced to shoot Gabriel.
I know that having to do that hurt her more than my apparent indifference to
her, but I’m
glad she did it. I almost did it myself, but I know that letting my feelings
guide me would only have driven Rommie further away, and I couldn’t stand
that.
Its never time.
The End