Title: Love and Addiction
Author: Jeff Baker (aka, Jeff-B, JA Baker, Sinister
Rating: PG-13/R (depends on how you take it)
Archive: Just ask me first.
Feedback: Would be grateful.
Disclaimers: Andromedaís not mine, its Roddenberry's and Tribunes.
Summary: Rommie contemplates her relationship with Beka as she goes through a night of Flash withdrawal. Sequel to I Donít Want To Miss A Thing. With thanks to Furball for the beta.
Love and Addiction
Do I find this strange? No, not really. Ok, so Bekaís a
woman, and, technically, so am I, but itís not unheard-of. The others have a
problem with it, to greater and lesser extents, out of jealousy: Tyr is jealous
of me because I got Beka, Dylan is jealous of Beka became she got me, and Harper
is jealous if both of us because we got each other.
Do I love Beka? Yes, I think I do: I would be the first to
admit that my experiences in this field are not exactly extensive, but I feel
for Beka something Iíve only ever felt for Dylan before now. I know itís not
easy to have any kind of personal relationship when youíre part of such a
small crew, but after having to hide my personal feelings for such a long time,
itís liberating to be able to say to the universe that I love someone, and not
care about the consequences.
Tyr has been, predictably, difficult: his own un-resolved
feelings for Beka, coupled with his contempt for AIís, have driven him to mock
and belittle us and our relationship at every opportunity. Iíd like to turn
round and point out that he had over two years to make his move for Beka, but
could never decide between his Nietzschean
obsession with genetic purity and his attraction to the woman who now shares my
bed, and as such forfeited his claim to her heart.
Bekaís worried, no, scared is a better way of putting it,
that one day Dylan will see what his missed out with me, then heíll snap his
finger, and Iíll go running to him. Iíve tried telling her thatís not
going to happen, that while I still have strong feelings for Dylan, I canít
see myself ever leaving her.
Iím shocked at how true that statement is: despite all
the programming that makes me dedicated to the High Guard, and Dylanís mission
to re-form the Commonwealth, I know that if Beka ever decided to leave, Iíd go
with her, no questions asked.
Dylan isnít very comfortable with my relationship with
Beka: I can see his face tighten every time we share a look, or a gentle touch.
He almost blew his lid the first time we kissed in public, and even now
doesnít like it when we walk down the corridors, hand in hand. Beka
says itís because he sees what he lost in me with his foolish
dedication to the rules and regulations.
So here I lay in bed, holding the woman I love in my arms,
telling her how much I love her as she goes through another night of Flash
withdrawal. It tears me up inside to see her like this, her body racked with
pain as the lingering remains of the drug torment her, trying to brake the last
of her self control and resolve, trying to make her destroy her life by driving
her back to the Flash. Weíve tried everything we can to break her addiction,
but still it remains, a dark spot on her soul.
Only Dylan knows that Beka still has such trouble with
Flash, only he knows how I stay up some nights, keeping her from harming
herself. He trusts me to keep her safe, to keep her sane. Heís eased up on us
since I told him, since I showed him the security camera footage of her sitting
in the corner of the room, hugging her knees, bugging me to ether give her one
last dose of Flash or to kill her. He knows that Iíll tell him if she starts
using again, to betray the woman I love if it endangers the ship.
So I wrap my arms around her tightly, whisper ĎI love
youí in her ear, and settle in for another night of tears and pain, another
night of trying to lift Beka above her addiction.
Why do I do it? Because I love her, thatís why.
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