Three Methods For Dealing With Rats

We all hate rats, even the animal rights activists. And for good reason, too. If they were able to hold a knife properly
they wouldn't think twice about plunging it into your spinal column. Guaranteed. Fret not, though, for there follows
hope for even the most hopeless, in the form of 3 untried and untested ways to salvation.

1. Heart of the Problem

The first step when dealing with any problem is always the same. You must first confront the problem, accept
that it is real and that it isn't going to go away on its own. Indeed, individual rats may come and go like nobody's
business, but the general and undeniable rat-induced tainting of your property will linger.

Once the problem has been faced, the next step is to identify the leader of the vermin (the rats, not Christian),
henceforth referred to as Emperor Rat. The most common approach is to infiltrate the rat order by 'becoming a rat'.
This involves disguising yourself as a rat, acting like a rat, for all intents and purposes, being a rat. Other popular
methods include:

  • Sending the rats a voucher for discounted kitchenware, then waiting outside
    the local supermarket for a rat with a suspiciously regal appearance.
  • Hiring a private investigator.
  • Becoming a private investigator.
  • Claiming to be the leader of the rats, and waiting for one to protest.

    Then, once Emperor Rat has been identified, you must get close enough to him to allow you to place him in a firm headlock.
    Use a menacing tone of voice to inform him that you will release him when he agrees to move his horde to the next building
    along the road. Should he resist, either tighten the headlock or begin to poke his eyes. Eventually, Emperor Rat will
    yield and your home will be free of vermin.

    2. Deal Fairly

    Create a large pit and place a sign above it. The sign should read “Rat pit - Rat entrance”. Several hours later, the pit
    should contain all but the illiterate rats. Removing them one-by-one, flatten each with a large cookery book. If you
    have no cookery book large enough, use a senselessly large spatula. If you lack either of these items, the Blarney Stone will
    suffice. Then proceed to make playing cards out of them. Upon completion of this task, challenge the illiterate rats to a round
    of poker. Inform them that if they lose, they must leave the building. Win the game. [In the unlikely event of failing
    to win, pick the rats up by the tail and fling them out of the window. This is most effective when on the uppermost
    floor of the building.
    ] Your home is once more your own.

    3. Flames

    This is a last resort, to be used when the above methods fail. Simply set fire to all combustibles in the building, then
    evacuate [optional]. That'll learn 'em. Unless they are fire-proof rats. Or worse, fire-breathing rats. If this is the
    case, may the Lord be with you.