Chapter Ten: What Am I ?
Subject: Re: New memory
Date: Sunday, May Memorial day weekend. Hi. I just came back from church and had much come into my mind and desire to share it with you. I haven't had time to look for your reply to my last communication.
I kept thinking and here is what came. I am nervous and can't type too well. Please read through the errors that I don't correct.
Ideas that came to mind: That I was taught how to communicate with these aliens as a baby and that is my secret. I cant find anything but peace surrounding the events with the aliens. I see myself being touched all over by them. I can feel their curiosity and their kind of love. We as humans can't give that kind of love, we are not that simple minded. I can see myself putting my hands, my little fingers, on their foreheads communicating with them. Feeling all that they feel. Itís wonderful. I also see lines of them being taken into a place they know not will take their lives. They didn't know they would be killed. It was all in the same place or room. I see the same triangle in my head. The point that goes through from the top of my head on the right side through the back of my right eye to straight down into the back of my head. This
somehow affected me. I have been wondering about the orange lighted things with wires. I don't know if this was an incident or something permanent. They donít understand eternal life or death. They were so willing to give to be a part of the human race. The idea comes to mind that somehow the places where they could come stay had to have special electrical functions to survive like their biological systems were dependent on electricity for food. In what I have learned everything we receive into our bodies is refined into an electrical impulse i.e., light, sound, color, food, water, love, etc. All is converted to keep us alive. With the way their bodies function something that only HAARP could give is necessary for
this. (Just guessing remember.) Maybe in
I was able to listen to Kip Thorne, an internationally known physicist yesterday. He is from my town I live in and came to speak at the University graduation. I was able to briefly meet him later and asked for a copy of his speech. You would love it. He is warning the next generations about cloning, genetic restructuring, war etc. It was marvelous. He said that if we were careful we could protect ourselves from Hitler's purge, the attitude of, "Volk". A word I saw in Nazi literature about their spiritual beliefs that they should protect their heritage by purging out all imperfections within themselves and others. Itís a perversion of what is in the old testament in the bible about only marrying within your own tribe.
After I saw the lady who read the information in my hand about my life my body has been acknowledging all my lives pain. It's not easy. My back hurts all the time and I am not peaceful. I keep getting somatics of sensation in my head and they come and go. It will subside in a few days and then I am going to get a friend to give me a chiropractic adjustment.
New idea: If I wanted to really trust all my abilities I could look in my mind and on a map and see where the aliens, I have a better word for them in my mind but its not English it means friend, where the aliens live here and other places. Now you know I am crazy. I don't think they have what we call memory. The good ones don't. They can learn, but don't remember bad things. The evil aliens do. That's weird. Its like a way to always have control. Idea: Maybe they want a genetic change so they can be different. Maybe the aliens who are good have been programmed genetically to be slaves of the evil ones, kind of like what humans are trying to do on earth. That makes sense you know.
In Kip Thrones talk he mentioned something that I don't think he realized was very true and valuable knowledge. He has worked with the Russians since the 1930's and then he said they had to have permission to copy a single sheet of paper from the secret police. He said in the 1980's that with the advent of telephones and the Internet and especially copy machines that they lost control. There is more information in his speech, which I will send you a copy of when you get here. Its a scenario just like today. Because of media control the average citizen's are blind sheep. With the Internet many will wake up. Knowledge, Control, Responsibility; remember the Sc----ology triangle!
Well I will be in touch. I work tomorrow and Tuesday and have allot to do. I will read your replies as I can. I am fine. I told XXXXX about my past and
Subject: Re: Hi Wendella
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2000 4:23 PM
Hi. Well I started this message once and I always end up touching something on my keyboard which deletes everything I have typed so I will try again.
Hi. Glad you are finished with school and I hope you have a safe trip. I will resend my last email from my friends' computer. It came back with a mailer deamon the first time and so I resent it. You had the same message twice I think. I had my computer overhauled too. It now has wind 98 v 2 on it and its nice.
My son is great. He is going to be a lifelong friend. I can share my memories with him and he still loves me.
I had lots of attention on islands from being on another chat line about a month ago. So I looked inside and got the memory.
I am on an island with The General. He is also at the hospital with my mom when she tried to abort me. On the island there is a place where they put me in a room with all mirrors. I have been given a drug. I am hooked up to a device to a computer. I am a receiver for the aliens. The aliens like me. After the session; (time distorted in memory), there is a fire. We go to a boat to be saved. I am warned and stay on the boat and don't go on the submarine. The natives of the island rescue me and I am reunited with The General. My mom was with me when we first arrived.
Lots of attention on mountains; so I looked. The actual picture I see was in my mind before as I saw it when people talked to me about a cave in the mountains. In this memory I am in the mountain. It is open. A very large opening with lots of people; military. Lights high up in the ceiling. I am with The General. You can't see this place; you have to know how to get there. Now I see a helicopter too.
The next memory is of me riding in the front of a jeep with The General. We are in the same location. I am having fun I guess.
In reading my friends' book on her recovery from Monarch programming, I started to do something. When a picture pops up in my mind I write it down and look. I am in a place, a laboratory with stored parts; don't know if its human or animal. I walk through there. I will send you the email of this story later.
My mind is freezing up. I have been shaking and can't type the whole time. I feel strange like I have made everything up as if it is bringing me attention from you and the people on the chat line. Its a strong feeling.
When I look at the memory of me and The General lots of things come to mind. I obeyed him without question. The other memory just came that I couldn't remember. A man dressed classic CIA style approaches me and tells me The General says I needed another treatment. He has a briefcase attached to his wrist. I go with him; not sure where; and he hooks me up to the briefcase. Whatever is going into my body from the briefcase is my treatment. Anyhow back to The General. I know he was my handler. I know; another memory is coming of watching a little girl being strapped inside a cage with water dripping on her and she is screaming. I wanted to help her but feared they would kill her if I said anything. There was
electricity going through the wires of the cage and when the water dripped it broke her ground and she was shocked over and over again. It was a treatment. All this came in the last few days. My sense of time is almost completely gone - almost completely gone. I never disobeyed the General. He loved me, he tormented me; I did anything for him. I don't know who he is. I miss him. It's awful. The way I respond to him is E X A C T L Y how I have responded to all men in my life no matter what the relationship. Obedience complete. Its not my natural father or my stepfather or my grandfather. I know when I accept these memories and deal with them that maybe I can have freedom of choice in my male relationships.....I hope. I have been very, very well trained. I have a feeling I know that I watched others being trained with Monarch and didn't receive that. That I had something different that wasn't so
demeaning. All that yuck they put in their minds. Somehow mine is there but not with the grid system. I saw last night a picture of rings. Small, larger, larger different colors with pictures of faces on them of people. Haven't really looked at it yet. The idea comes to mind that The General; I was like his mascot. He liked me and treated me kindly despite the atrocities around me. I assume he would be dead by now. Yesterday in thinking about this it feels like that this is my childhood like
What am I? A composite of everything my mind wants to make up.............. I am going to get my school records from
A picture just popped up in my mind. It's a funeral for The General. A lady is standing next to me. She knows me well. She was his wife? Mother? I don't know. The look in her eyes is sad and happy. She is telling me its over, that no one wants to continue with what he was doing. I am on a plane going home. Help. How do I connect with reality? A picture came in my mind this morning of being on a bed in the fetal position in pain.
Last night, here is the contrast of my life, I am at a singles dance with my boyfriend. I am a great dancer. I am basically self-taught. I keep getting better. An older Chinese gentleman walks up to me and says in broken English, "Are you a professional dancer?" I said, "No". He said, "You are a beautiful dancer." I couldn't hardly accept the compliment. Many men want to dance with me but they all think I am married so they don't ask. I have to ask them if they want to dance.
You know this contrast is real. On the chat line many have been programmed to do many things they do professionally and yet they had mpd etc. Itís like we are not all ourselves. If any of this is real for any of us why do they let us go? Why do they let us go? With all the training etc., why do they let us go? Are they that inefficient?
My son and I looked at my grandfatherís medallion and he saw things I guess I couldn't. The words 'Pythian Veteran' are on it. So I looked it up. The great oracle of
There are people on the chat line who have trouble with electrical things. They blow out computers when they touch them. I want to find out who the General was. Any Clues?
Thoughts about the
In the other email, well I will send this one and then go send the others. You will have to figure out the correct sequence.
Is it natural when at the edge of a cliff to want to jump off? In sharing some things with my son he said he has that happen all the time to him. When I went to an entertainment place last year I was compelled very strongly to jump. It ruined my whole day. I had to really fight it. It was like something was forcing me to do it. My other friend thinks it was suicide programming. I am not sure. On the map of the ancient Greek cities there is one called, "Illum," yes Illum. Is that where the Illuminati started? It was from way before Christ. I haven't had time to research it yet.
I wish I could share some good things with you. I am fine. Talking about this alien stuff is harder than I thought. This man The General had absolute power. I can't remember any other children with him. I was in a position of power too. I read an article the other day that said that some radio waves created hallucinations. Is that where all this stuff is coming from...smile!
It is strange but in these new memories I feel free, I feel like I am somebody and important and needed. I have joy in doing the things I am told. Its like I want the memory; I want this childhood. Its a feeling of being set free. When I think of it as being bad or not good or unreal, the feelings of uneasiness come and the electrical feelings come. I guess I only know freedom when I have boundaries and the General gave me that.
Well I hope this mail goes through. I will go to the other computer and resend the others. I am glad you are still there and caring.
Thank you very much.
Date: Sunday, May 21, 2000 6:47 AM
Subject: Hi Wendella
I had a computer crash the other day so all my letters disappeared from my hard drive, including yours! I usually back things up, but due to all my study I didn't have the time and now I regret it. I'm so sorry. I missed those two long letters you sent me. How are you doing? Can you drop me a few lines, so that I know? Been thinking about you. Did you contact XXXX by the way? Now school's out and it's such a relief. Hard work until the last day - incredible! So now it's only 9 days before I travel to the
Hope you're all right, Wendella. Hope to hearing from you soon.
(Email to a friend)
I looked up
I am so sad, Mommy;
Why did you have to die?
You talked to me with love,
And showed me the stars above.
I can't go to Heaven yet;
Is that where we first met?
I love you Mommy,
you and your kind.
There is no evil in you Mommy,
Not a drop in your mind.
Will you come and see me Mommy;
After you go home for a time?
I will really love it Mommy;
If I knew you would always be mine.
Why did they torture you Mommy?
You didn't need to die.
They didn't love you Mommy.
They only wanted your mind.
I will not give mine to them, Mommy,
In loving memory of you.
I will fight them Mommy,
Through and Through !
I don't know how to protect my brothers and sisters, Mommy;
They are everywhere.
The General is in control, Mommy
And when He is mad He is like a Bear.
I will miss you Mommy,
Your hands are so soft.
Just like the Dolphins skin;
In touching it you get lost.
Lost in the feelings of warmth,
From the love that they give.
Lost in the feelings of hope,
From the despair within.
Lost in the knowledge that they will survive.
God has the power to keep them alive.
I loved the song you sang, Mommy;
When you arose to the sky.
Oh how wonderful and sweet Mommy;
To know you are nearby!
God is Just, Mommy;
He will have his revenge.
And when it is time,
The General will come to his end.
I have to go Mommy.
The General is calling.
Maybe someday, Mommy,
It will be you who is calling . . .
(written by a very little girl)
Notes condo 5/21/2000
I always know when I see the Big Dipper that I was home. Big Dipper is also some kind of programming clue. Bodies hanging from above. COMA movie. Clue. Annie Mckenna had similar ideas. Thought my voices in my head are alters. Saw a picture in my head of whole bunch of evil faces. Kids no hair scary like the Rugrat characters.
Idea: Taught never to show fear, so in showing fear and acting it out destroys programming and/or phobias. I learned to take fear by the hand and walk with it!
Had small groups of trainees come together for LOVE sessions. Each of us were taught to be "VIRTUALLY mean" to the others in the group so we would never meet. Picture of 5 of us girls. All young around 5 years old or so. We are all standing in a circle. We all hate each other. Man, evil in background; laughing. In real world always got people together to be friends just the opposite. We were conditioned to be mean to other children, especially to the girls. They never wanted us to ever meet and be friends.
Each of us is holding a baby doll in our arms in a circle. We were allowed to dress it up the way we wanted. We gave 'our' babies to the others in the group. We were never to love our babies as mothers. We were to give them to another. Then the machine turned on and we saw each other: individual trainees floating in the air above our bodies. If they thought loving thoughts about their friendís baby, they were electrocuted through something in the computer - the one holding the baby. It was as if our bodies were attached to many electrical wires and we were punished this way. We started jolting. I see each of us at different intervals start jolting. The words and music, "I will always love you", was in the background. When one of us learned not to think good thoughts about the others' baby we were holding, we would be allowed to go to the controls and switch it 'ON and OFF' for each of the trainees as they thought loving thoughts about the babies they were holding.
I see a blonde girl standing by the man with the controls. Thoughts coming to my mind how it caused us to 'psychically' connect. We were programmed to leave our bodies after the switching and psychically connect. As we did this we had our astral bodies all floating, holding hands in air above us. There were other children outside the room waiting standing in line. Some of them would come and join us too. Never more than five. We learned how to 'sing' together with each other. Then a black spirit came and his presence made us stop. At night when we would sleep we would dream or actually go looking for our friends who would sleep floating above our bodies. We would find others and go 'sailing', like Peter Pan and Wendy; "To Gather the Faces for Good that would Save the Millennium". We would bond together to fight the black spirits. If there was enough of them we would group our mind thoughts together and send a beam of energy to the black groups to destroy them. They shattered in little sparkly stars and fell to the ground. This symbolized that we won.
Old woman looking like a German Nazi movie character comes into the room. She is just like the ones in the movies called Olga etc. Pleasure; love? 'Carmen session'; download; plush; push; experiment; fix it or forever die ????????? There were other little babies, black ones, in as astrals. No bodies yet. Watching. They came and watched us. They weren't grown yet and hadn't been given a consciousness yet.
By being taught to be mean to the other girls,
they tried to program us to never help one another.
Now we are taking the arms, legs and heads off of the baby dolls and letting them fall to the floor. Stomp on them. Then we pick up any piece and put it back together. Did this several times.
"Together forever as one."
They tried to teach us that being parts meant being 'whole'. That nothing was ever yours and at the same time, that as long as you had your parts you were whole even if they, your parts, changed all the time.
Now we see snakes crawling on the floor with the baby parts. Electrical snakes. Told we can't move or we will be bitten. One of us, up the snake? I see a huge, house size, snake, cobra picture; mouth wide open; going to bite me. I am swallowed up by the snake. I go down a long tunnel. Now underground. Belts; parts; lights people? Humans masked and gowned. "Old Dead Eyes".
"You are late. We thought we lost you." I guess I became conscious. Taken on stretcher bed. "Here is where you can rest, Sandy Bolton." "You did a great job. We will call on you again later", the nurse told me. Switch under bed. Knew it was watching me. Afraid to move. Afraid to pee. Almost afraid to think. Thought if I did anything wrong I would be blown up in bed and :
"ALL THE LITTLE BABIES INSIDE ME WOULD GET BLOWN UP".
Small red box under middle of bed with wire cord to wall. Hands strapped. In writing this I am saying, "Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!", over and over and over.
See stars above head like when you are low on oxygen. Had that happen allot as a kid in Anchorage, if I just bent over I would see silver little stars in front of my eyes. It might be normal. Don't know. Voice: "When you see the stars you will be home." They taught death was home.
Now see floor disappearing underneath feet. See 5 little girls, wasn't supposed to call them anything human. Four somehow disappear. We are falling. I wake up. Room, black? Lights: red, white, yellow. Unorganized pattern, different intensity. Then needle in arm; pain. "You go to sleep now. You have had a long night."
We started to fly, astral projected our bodies to fly down through space 'air hole'. We grabbed each others hands until we could land.
"Safety on the groundÖ"
I was trained to go in and rescue "alters" who were lost, trapped, or dead. I wasn't trained to kill, but watched it. I was told we, each of us, that our mission was special. They used that word allot.
Saw hospital, but not really a true hospital, ward of beds with children. I was trained to go and check on them psychically at night. As long as I didn't move my body the bomb wouldn't go off. I believed that they had watchmen watching me and reporting if I did my job right. If the next day a "child", they were never called children, didn't respond right, they came to me and I thought that maybe they would punish me. I was RESPONSIBLE for their progress in training. Maybe they did this to all of us so we would never try to FIGHT or STOP IT.
I was a; name comes to mind but I don't really know what it means; Beta-Delta Omega Transfer. Your Matrix was a system of mode of the systems of others. Your owned others as your alters.
Alter groups are one.
No one can escape you.
You are horrible; meaning powerful.
You are terrible; meaning good for the perps.
You are invincible.
You are all powerful.
You are "One".
Symbols: Triangle; two slashes to the left, two dots, lines with dots, picture of snake.
I hear a voice; "A snake with forked tongue cannot speak". "You think you are one".
See snakes mouth again. Same underground. People; space suits, no faces. Walk funny. They are coming. They are coming at me to take my soul. Call upon the astrals. We kill them. Red. See all Red. White. Yellow. Black changes to green. White; blackness?
We took the souls of the people into ourselves. We are in 'control' in the suits. We are "HIDDEN". We are floating in grown up size space suits connected by tubes. They cut off the electricity. Spark? "cords". We are yelling? They want to 'spin' us. Can't finish memory. Dead? My real body dead? Dream? Surgery? Don't know.
Picture: newborn baby. Real human body. We created our own 'death' and became a newborn baby, flesh and all. We weren't afraid to give our souls or minds as if we died we were giving birth to a new born baby. Wipe out all the evil programs? Taught us to think death is a rebirth of something pure...
I have shared this memory on the chat line. I KNOW I am supposed to make a collage or drawing of it.
Here is what will be included:
picture 5 girls standing connected to wires
picture above them of 5 astral bodies above them
picture of small black beings in background watching
picture of computer equipment and little blonde hair girl at switches with large windows overlooking down at city
man standing by little girl
picture of children standing outside door waiting to get in for treatment ( reminds me of kids waiting to get into classroom at school )
picture of electric snakes on floor
picture of some babies in arms, some in pieces, some being trampled on.
See a child laying on floor not moving; thought it was XXX?? who almost died; girl on floor.
In my heart when the memory came of the aliens, it was like they were my family. The feelings for them are very strong. I could never fear them. The pictures ripped my heart out. I can't imagine the atrocities they have suffered at the hands of our brothers.
Yesterday I was standing in my bedroom and simply asked myself a question: IF they have been mixing genes and eggs and sperm since 1947 or so, and they really wanted to do remote viewing and wanted to have abilities like the dolphins do to communicate in better ways than us humans, would they have tried to mix dolphins and humans together? I only read in one place about human and non-human creatures. The idea is ancient though. Egypt Mayan etc. and the movie Dr.________ Island are full of it. Anyhow, a picture popped up in my mind of a boy/alien/dolphin. Its just a picture. I am going to try to have my son draw it for me. He doesn't look like a human or an alien combination or a combination of human and dolphin. His head has large frontal lobes but his chin is normal. It should be interesting.
July 3 2000
I see a picture in my mind. I feel sick like car sick. I have had this feeling much. I am sitting in a chair spinning. I see the stars. Now a bright white light. I see red everywhere. I am on a table. "She will not remember the implant. She will be ours forever. Her handler is unique. It is rare that a father will give up a daughter for this experimentation. There now little one. It is done. You will never suffer the pain the others will when its time. Lets see now, its time to go home." I see stars again and orange. He is looking into my eyes with a light. Its an eye doctor, the one in
When they spun me I lost track of time. I hear 8 8 8 in my mind like the recording I get on the telephone sometimes like while I was spinning there was something being said in a mans voice on top of something else. "You are the one to save the Nations. Don't let go. Don't stop until you succeed."
"We are counting on you." (dull voice no emotion) "I am your FATHER. YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW ALL. YOU WILL SEE ME IN THE
I see a bed. It feels so good. I see a window. Daylight! Yes daylight! I am home. Well, maybe. But its not dark anymore. Yes, Yes. Yes, is he done? I hope its over.