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Script V
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Wednesday 15th May 2002
This was the big one. The one that everyone had been waiting for. The one with all the hype...but would it live up to it?...oh, it was sent by Kirk and Bones, who were...well, you know.
{FANFARES}
THE LONG WAIT IS OVER....THE SECOND EPISODE IS FINALLY
HERE!!....AT LONG LAST, WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE
SECOND EPISODE...THE SUSPENSE HAS BEEN KILLING US...
{Loud Gunshot, "BANG"!}
[Kirk] No Mr Commentator, it has only been killing
you!!
[Bones] GODDAMIT, JIM!! STOP FOOLING AROUND!!
[Spock] But Doctor, is it not in the nature of man to
fool around?
[Bones] GODDAMIT, JIM!! ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM SLAG
US OFF LIKE THAT!!! GODDAMMIT, JIM!!!!!! JIM!!!!
[Uhuru] Incoming ship, captain, from the...err...left?
[Spock] Starboard.
[Uhuru] Thats what I said...Starwars...
[Spock] Its not starwars either, its starboard..
[Bones] GODDAMMIT SPOCK!!! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!ITS NOT
HER FAULT!!! GODDAMN!!!!
[Kirk] Woooooo!!! Bones fancys Uhuru!!!
[Everyone] BONES AND UHURU, SITTING UP A TREE,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G....
[Bones] GODDAMMIT!!! YOUR ALL FOOLS!! FOOLS OF THE
HIGHEST CALIBRE...
[Uhuru] ...I only said starwars because I can't stop
thinking about anything else...the whole universe is
awaiting the second episode!....
[Kirk] Yes Uhuru, yes......YES, yeS....THey aRE...thEY
Are AlL ...Waiting.....WaiTING For....For....For..
[Kirk pulls his shocked face at the close-up camera]
...FOR.... THe secOND , Episode.,
[Spock] Yes Captain.[slightly puzzled by the captains
erratic movements around the bridge while talking]
[Bones] GODDAMMIT JIM!! I DONT FANCY UHURU...
[Kirk] Are you still going on about that?
[Uhuru]...what do you mean, you don't fancy me?...
[Bones] GODDAMMIT UHURU, I MEAN I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE,
BUT ...GODDAMMIT....I...
[Spock] Captain, we still have incoming ships.
[Kirk] Riker to the Bridge...
{Riker immediately steps onto the bridge}
[Riker] Shields up, Red Alert.
{Riker immediately leaves the bridge to get back to
his bit of crumpet...}
[Spock] The Ship appears to be Ferrengi.
[Uhuru] Were being hailed, Captain.
[Kirk] On Screen.
[Spock] But Captain, we have not yet developed such
advanced technologies as there are in the Next
Generation.
[Bones] HE'S RIGHT GODDAMMIT, JIM!!!
[Kirk] I think your both right...{mutters}..."for a
change"....
[Spock] What was that Captain?..
[Kirk] Nothing...
[Uhuru] were still being hailed, Captain.
[Kirk] Ok,.. we don't have a screen, then just what the
hell do we have then?
[Uhuru] We have some hailing frequencies?
[Kirk] They'll have to do...
[Ferrangi Captain] Greetings, federation ship ,we are
the ferrengi ship, "BLAA". We were wondering if you
would be willing to trade?...
[Kirk] What have you got little man, ..do you have any
view screens?
[Ferrengi captain] We might...for a price...
[Kirk] Well what would that price be?
[Ferrengi Captain] The thing is, the view screen we
have is actually part of another ship and would not be
campatible with your ship. You would have to buy the
whole ship...
[Kirk] Well how much would that be?
[Ferrangi Captain] I'll do you a deal...I'll give you
the other ship along with the view
screen....IFF....you give me your enterprise!!!
[Bone] GODDAMIT, JIM!!! LETS BLAST THOSE MO-FO-LECTAS
INTO SPACE DUST!!! JIM!!! GODDAMIITT!!!
[Kirk] Do you always have to over react Bones?
[Spock] Yes. Yes, he does.
[Bones] GODDAMMIT JIM!!! SPOCK'S PICKING ON ME!!!JIM
{Kirk shakes his head at the ground and mutters
someting unintelligable}
[Kirk] Just what is this ship...this ship that has a
viewscreen..?
[FerrengiCaptain] It is....A SUPER STAR DESTROYER!!!!!
[Kirk] How many lightyears does it have on it?
[FerrengiCaptain] Only a few zintillion..
[Kirk] Nice...
[Spock] Captain, it would be illogical for us..all
characters from star-trek, to be flying around,
willy-nilly through the universe, in a ship from
star-wars.
[Kirk] You always have to spoil it for me don't
you...you know i've always wanted a SUPER STAR
DESTROYER...and now my oppertunity has come along, you
want to take it away from me!....
[BONES] GODDAMMIT SPOCK!!! YOU UPSET THE CAPTAIN!!
[Spock] It would seem so...
[7of9]Captain, are you alright? your eyeballs appear to
be leaking.
[Kirk] I'm fine 7, cheers. How does the SUPER STAR
DESROYER appear down in telemetrics?
[7of9] Its a bute sir! A real Bargain!! Has some nice
mods done to it. Full service hisory. The works.
[Kirk] Thats it then...We shall give up the traditional
long-running enterprise, and swop it for something
about 5,000,000,000 times the size and power. Plus it
has a telly!
[Everyone] Good point.
{exchange takes place}
A few months later...
[Kirk] Sulu, change the channel...i'm sick to death
with the weakest link...sulu....wheres Sulu?
{Back on the Enterprise}
[Ferrengi Captain] ...so "sulu", if that is your real
name...you can't fly this ship...you can't fire the
guns...and you can't even work the coffee machine!!
Just what the hell did you do on this ship?
[Sulu] {mmm's "i don't know"}
******** THE END *************
by Captain Kirk.
Please send all your comments to
Mr. President,
The Super Star Destroyer,
The Universe.
Whadya think??? Positive feedback could result in more episodes. Negative feedback could also result in more episodes. I'm not really bothered what you think...just curious.
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