One submissive's (sub's) view on D/s
I think I can safely say that all relationships carry dominate and submissive traits.
That is normal. There are some that realize in a relationship that they prefer being
cared for, being protected, being cherished and within limits, willing to give their
all to achieving their dream. This same person may be leading a very dominate
working life. This does not matter. This person realizes that she/he is a
submissive. There is no shame in this, just the opposite, there should be pride in
knowing yourself. So many just walk blindly through this life, never experiencing
what life has to give.
A dominate (Dom), is one that can handle the responsibilities of caring for a
submissive. He/She takes pride in bringing out the best in His/Her sub. Gently
teaching her/him what pleases Him/Her so that the sub is clear on that issue. A
sub does not seek pain on purpose. A Dom does not wish to give pain for His/Her
pleasure. I am not talking of BDSM! I am talking of a Dominate and submissive
How does this go about? A Dom will search for a sub instinctively, and a sub
instinctively searches for a Dom. To become complete, this is the way of nature.
But knowing the right one isn't so easy. Like in any relationships, don't rush!
In a vanilla world (the normal) we normally court a person. We don't walk up and
say hey your it! Then get married! In D/s we explore, to find out if this is the right
person. At this point you are still Dom and sub. As in the vanilla world this can
take weeks, months and yes even years.
So now you have found your Dom, what next? You talk about safe words, limits
and contracts. Why? For often there can be mild punishments. And often D/s can
lead to a stronger point, even to that of BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism
and Masochism.) Even I lightly stray into that, but that is not what this editorial is
about. Normally at this point you will start addressing Him/Her as Sir/Madam.
You do not address other Dom's as Sir. I do only if they have earned my respect.
We all have limits some are soft, others are hard. The soft ones are the ones that
lay deep inside that we want to push, we want to learn. This is where a safe word
comes into effect. A good Dom will know how to safely push your limits and will
do this with love and care but definitely not abuse. But it is very easy to get
caught up into something and suddenly you realize it is going too far! Remember,
your Dom is NOT a mind reader! It is also impractical to expect the sub to always
be bold enough to tell Her/His Dom to stop. But most importantly because we
are not always rational and totally coherent during these times when hormones
are raging. Therefore, you both agree on a safe word or even a safe action. I
heard of one sub who will hold a small sponge ball, if this drops the Dom knows
to immediately stop what is going on. But most subs use a word. I am very
simple - No or Stop, works for me. Some Dom's do not like these words. But
whatever word you use keep it simple, familiar and short. A hard limit is a limit
that does not change, you never want to even consider crossing it. This is where
a contract comes into play.
Yes, you will find a D/s relationship much more defined than a vanilla one. That is
one of the things that can make it more successful than a vanilla relationship. In a
contract you both put down what you want to achieve, what is and is not allowed.
You both sign it. D/s is always consensual! Meaning both partners want the same
thing and both agree to it.
At this point you have explored and hopefully it was successful. Don't be worried if
it was not! It is your life and your safety and your heart! And at the heart of a D/s
relationship is your heart.
Now you have explored, worked out safe words, signed a contract, what next?
You know now of his interest for you clearly, He has let you know by signing the
contract. And hopefully there have been many beautiful signs during your
exploring. Now you hold the power in your hands. You have realized by this time
that He is the One! It is up to you to go to Him and ask to be His sub. This
means that you fully trust Him with your love, heart, soul, body, your total well
being..in other words with your very life. What more precious gift can you give
someone?! A good Dom will know what you are offering, and realize His
humbleness at such a supreme gift. This after all is what you both have been
working towards all this time. He may at this time feel unworthy and deny it, or
glow with pride that he has earned such a gift and accept you as His sub. If
denied, again do not be alarmed, finding the right Dom is not easy. If it was so
easy I think the whole world would be D/s!
If He accepts, He is your Sir and you are His sub. The natural course now is for
you to wait till He is fully comfortable in the relationship and for Him to offer you
His collar. This is a ceremony that is much like a wedding. This is were the true
commitment of love is shared. You have given yourself already, now He shows
that He is ready to cherish you above all. In vp you see that some have more than
one sub, in real life this is very rare, for a Dom is normally too proud of what he
has gained to ever want to share His sub or subjugate her to any embarrassment
by having another sub. This is more of a crossover of Gorean standards of slaves.
A sub is NOT a slave!
Once collared He becomes your Master. No other do you call Master. He takes
care of you completely and in return you give to Him completely. There can never
be secrets kept from either, for this would be the downfall of all that you two have
built. Trust is the foundation!
Now on a more personal note about punishments/disciplines. Often in D/s it is
more mental then physical, but physical punishments are to be expected. These
should be outlined in the contract.
For my Master to downcast His eyes, or turn His head from me cuts me like a
knife! For Him to sit at the other end of the couch, lets me know I have done
something wrong and I try to make up for this immediately. For Him to give me
silence, I'd just as soon as die. He knows this. He knows my very soul. Or I
would not have given Him my trust.
For others like I said there are physical forms of punishment, again outline these
in the contract. If your love is true, these should rarely be needed. But I do say
this about punishments of any kind, with these you know directly where you
stand. Therefore you can immediately correct the problem. How many times in a
vanilla relationship do you see a couple wondering what happened? Lost and
angry and no where to turn? Not a clue how to correct their relationship.
As stated briefly we do get into very light BDSM. That normally means pain. but
in D/s it is a pain that is pleasure. A good pain. It is when you say oooh that pain
feels sooo good. To stray into pain for pain, for your Master or you or both, then
you have stepped fully into BDSM. This too should be stated in your contract, be
it as a limit or that your interests do or do not lay in this direction.
As I grow into my relationship, things come along that I never thought of to put in
a contract. But my trust is so complete that I do not worry, for I know my Master
will never go beyond what I can handle at that time.
There is so much more I could say, and others have. There are many books on
the subject. Please do your homework! This can be a dangerous area and should
never be ventured into lightly!
And never am I taken for granted, for all that I have to do is remove my trust and
He is a fallen man. So I tell other subs, in your hand lies the true power, NEVER
For you I wish that you find a Master like mine. The pleasuring is exquisite! The
more I give the more He gives and the more I want to give even more! And He to
me. You see the wonderful circle here?
by phrajil (dep) allowed by her Master (ADP)