There is something gnawing at the back of my mind, that feeling that I'm at fault. I'm not myself right now, I don't really know what's happened to me. There's just a generally bad feeling that I need to get rid of.

Mini Golf last night with Dani and her friends. It was ok, but to be honest, it was one of those times when I'm obviously an outsider to the group. I guess that may be a problem of mine, that I've only got a few friends that are friends with each other- most of them are not connected at all. Best part, by far, was driving home listening to "Dazed and Confused". Heh, I love driving that car, listening to Zeppelin.

That's when things began to fall apart...
Or so it feels right now. It's not as bad as the other night, when I really was in a terrible mood. This is more of a hazy, depressed feeling, knowing that I screwed things up. FUBAR, that's what it really is. The fact that...I really can't even talk about it right now. I'm just living with this feeling that I've said too many wrong things and have missed too many good chances.

Good Times, Bad Times
Well, I'm happy because I'm licensed and all. It's great, it really is. But the bad really outweighs the good, ie talking to Sam and diggin myself into a succesively deeper pit. I'm supposed to drive around with Dani one day, so that's good...but Sam is still weighing it down with the bad.
What to say? I've got no fucking idea at this point. She said before that she wanted me to be honest...but honesty isn't always a good thing. Then again, that may end up being the only thing that will let me redeem myself. Redemption...and now the book is paralleling my life again.

Tomorrow's the day...
Driver's test at 8 am tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it. Practiced parallel parking again yesterday, I seem to be ready. Let's hope it goes well. Today we had the family birthday party, the highlights being a drill and saber saw that I received. I need the cash for gas, which is sad that I haven't gotten a job yet. I'm such a lazy bum.
Oh, and now Dani is daring to contest my choice of lyrics for my AIM profile. Since I can't fit Ruby Tuesday by the Stones, I put in Two of Us by the Beatles. She feels that this is inadequate compared to American Hi-Fi's Flavor of the Week, which, I'll admit, I've never heard. Of course I'm not going to take advice from so fickle a person, so it ended up being Two of Us, though I can't give credit where credit is due because of space concerns.

And now for a little scene-
I get my license in four days, I have off from school tomorrow to go to St. Joe's and I have National Honor Society Inductions tonight. Fun times...well anyway, I think I'm gonna get going now. ::Stands up, tips hat, slowly pivots on his left foot counterclockwise. Walks out the door into a setting sun::

And then I went too far.
I really need to stop overthinking. It's been nothing but trouble for 16 years and 360 days(yes, I'm almost there). And then stuff like today...I think I just want to apologize to Danielle for everything and for nothing just so things feel justified.
I also think I should apologize to Sam, who I've really been self-centered with. You're the kind of girl that I really want to listen to, but I'm too caught up in myself. I think today is gonna be my apology day, for everything I've done and everything I will do.
On a high note, well, there really isn't a high note. I've come to find that a Gatorade after a march is the best tasting thing in the world. Uphill four mile marches, woo!

I didn't see that one coming
Today, I tried to prove a point to Dani. I reckoned she was too short to be hit by one of the locker top things. The door had about an inch over her head as she winced cause she thinks that she's tall. I guess I applied too much to it when I tried on myself, because I ended up with it slamming into the side of my head. I later discovered some blood, so that was a great way to start the day. Add in my speech to my class, well, I got mixed results. Fowler said it was terrible, Owad too, but that's not saying much. I got praise from several people throughout the day, a lot of them just can't vote for Benson, and no one could even see Meelu behind the podium. We'll see how it goes. I started talking to Noon again this week, but haven't talked to Sam in a while, so I guess that's my natural trade off, though at this point, I think it's more important to talk to Sam cause Jess is leavin for college and all. I talk to Dani every day, so if I missed that, things would feel off. Thank god we're still talkin so my life seems ok.

Draining....
I've gotten to a point when I just want to work off all my energy and sleep. Life is just so...boring that I don't care to go through the routine anymore. Let's look at my day- I wake up at the same time, take a shower at the same time, eat the same breakfast at the same time, brush my teeth at the same time, use the toilet at the same time, go to school at the same time. I then walk around the halls for the same amount of time with Ant and Brad, then sit through AP Euro for the same amount of time. Then I meet Dani in the halls at the same time and go to my locker for the same books every day. Getting the picture? Do I want excitement or something? Hell no, that'd be terrible. I'd end up in the military or something and I'd go die in the desert. Boy would that be crappy, but sure exciting! All in all, I always end up talking to Dani, so is that good or bad?

Now that everything's done, seems like things should go back to normal. No more reports, no more projects, no more anything. I'm free to do what I want to, ie nothing. As usual, I've got large amounts of guilt at the moment. I haven't worked on Kamil's dragon, nor did I attend the Republican expose last night. I'm a terrible person, and I can't deny it. Just look at the fact that I've had to give Dani apology flowers so she can check every time I have to say that I'm sorry. Self-value has raised a bit, but I think I got too cocky and am comfortable with feeling bad at the moment.