i miss my cat.

Tucker, i miss you.

i was forced to break my promise that youd never have to leave, and ive tried so many ways to get you back, but i will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. its been so long since ive seen you, but i have not and never will forget you.

SCREW THE WORLD for letting my mom snatch him away from me, for no reason at all. i was not ready to part with him.

and screw you mom for making him leave because "mema was allergic"??? no the hell she wasnt i have pictures galore of her holding him on the couch. and screw you for making him take him that day. and screw you for making me pay !Wendy! GAS MONEY!!! so that she could take me to get rid of him!!!!!!!! thats like making me pay for doing your chores for you. screw you for that! and you made me go when she toulk him. screw you for that. do you know how much that car ride sucked???? its the worst one ive ever taken and i can still taste that feeling on the tip of my tongue, its still fresh and i have a bolder in my throat just writing this, thats how fresh the hurt is. screw you, i will NEVER fogive you for that.

the end of my parents rant and rave
Mood:  accident prone
and just one more gripe about my parents and then ill shut up. promise haha.

im tired of you (as if im speaking to my parents) trying to show me off.

im tired of you (mom) never coming to a good amount of my concerts til this year because you all the sudden had a head ache. and you never toulk interest- or this is how it seems to be- in my drawing, or music, or any of that , until someone comes over that you want to impress, then you take tiffany out of the closet, dust her off, then show her off to all your friends, after i ask you repeatedly to stop because i dont like sounding like im boasting- even though im not actually saying a word of the boasting.

dad has always seemed interested, but he still manages to forget that im in love with basketball. yall never even mention my basketball skills when bragging about me, hmm, denial?? haha.

and oh my dear, yall dont even know i write poems, not that id tell you anyways, cus that would just give you another thing to smother in peoples faces.

and another thing- this is my life, not yours, they are two seperate things. so dont try and get me to live your life for you, just because you could never draw or something. ive told you these things are just hobbies that i like to do for myself or others in my spare time, i want massage therapy to be my career. and i think ive said enough.

thanks to this keyboard for humouring me, i know you could care less what i type, but it feels good to get out of my head, there are too many things flying around here like crazy witches on broom sticks, all doing that annoying wicked witch laugh. and so it feels good to release a few, though i know the monsters are still there. like stains on my brain.

as i feel i must remind you with everyone of these blogs about my parents, they are good parents.

yes it is true my parents are great people and parents, but at times it feels like they care about the house more than they do us. or maybe they just neglect our needs soemtimes, by accident im sure.

examples of this?

well... lets see, i remember all through elementary and middle school, i had to try to explain to everyone that i wasnt anorexic, that i didnt "do" bagged breakfasts or bought lunches haha. yeah what a lame lie. really, it was that my parents never gave me money for lunches, and never bought anything at home for breakfast. haha you know, maybe thats why i absolutely hate eating in front of people. i dont know.

then lets recall all the times i had to lie when someone asked me when the last time i had been to the dentist was. hahah man how many lies i told, "oh just a month ago" haha riiigghhht. umm yeah the first and only time ive gone to the dentist was just this year, after 17 years i guess they decided it was maybe a good time to take me. ummm you think?. i still remember the look on the dentists asst checked for cavities and such.." this is your first time?!!!! wow. you have no cavities and your teeth are very well taken care of.!" its a good thing mom and dad because if i wouldve had to get a filling i wouldve killed you.

and then lets talk about how i had to sit a foot away from the board in elementary school for almost a year because i couldnt see anything. but this is because you neglected to get me glasses when the nurse told you i needed them. hmm. thanks my vision didnt have to be this bad you know. and you were told i would prolly need glasses after the doctors told you that a centimeter-millineter closer to my eye -with the snow shovel- i wouldve been blind. so you shouldve been prepared really.

and back to the spending more time and money with the house.. do you by chance remember my "sweet 16"?
.. yeah me neither. thats because it didnt happen, not even a card. you were too busy building a whole big ass deck that cost a couple thousand just so that "rusty could have a coming home party" and afterwords we were going to have a birthday something.. anything.. but nothing.. and disappointment ensuthed. but i shouldnt have been that suprised huh. even mema- your best friend was shocked.

you buy shit for the house all the time, but when i desperately need new clothes, well its all the same. same ol same.

oh and how could i forget when you sat me down last year, and broke the news that i couldnt go on the orchestra trip. man i really wanted to see a real city like new york. and i cried, even in front of you, i cried, and i cry alone, but i couldnt hold in the disappointment. and you promised with tears in your eyes (prolly cus you dont see me cry often) that you were going to put a fund aside for my senior year trip, and you promised i would be able to make my last trip. haha more bullshit, wered that money go to?? flowers for the deck?? a new lamp shade??

you know what? i dont care, but im taking a stand against money, i hate it. and i dont care if i get anymore birthday presents or clothes or what not- im graduating, moving out, moving away, getting a job, and buying my own clothes, see? problem solved.

ok im going to get the subject of my parents out of the way in the few first blogs, so then its done and out on the table.

ok, were to start with their "lacking" parts...

ok my parents are good parents as ive said. but there are somethings that they should think about.

growing up, i was 1 of 2 middle children. and this sucked beyond the telling of it, my younger brother and i never got anything extra. my mom would always come home from the store with gifts of plenty for wendy and rusty. and we would just sit there with a blacnk stare on our faces, and my mom would explain that she only got it "because she saw it and just knew it was wendy, or rusty". i knew it was bullshit. i was young and naive but not stupid, unless i just spelt naive wrong haha. they always got to do more, they always were babied, etc. i wondered after a while after little clues started popping up if this was because they were the first children or if this was because of another reason. after peicing many peices together and with the help of my dear aunt tammys loose mouth, i learned that my brother and sister werent actually my blood brother and sister. my mom had a ex husband who had wendy and rusty with my mom, then they ended really badly, i wonder if there was abuse involved. my mom ran away and left the kids with my aunt, then she married my dad, and he adopted my bro and sis from this guy called "red". -for his red hair im guessing.

so now i figure this is why they were always treated as the favorites. even now they are, all my mom talks about is my older brother and his many marine accomplishments. she even has the nerve to always slip up and call us "rusty"... repeatedly, over and over. hes all she thinks and talks about. i tell her i need new jeans because mine have wholes and you can see flesh and she says we dont have money. haha yeah, but she manages to find 200 or 300 dollars magically in the couch every week when she sends him his care packages oh and cant forget about his many plane tickets. hmm coincidence? is this why we dont have enough money to get a candy bar or pare of pants every oncein a while. nope. even after he came back from iraq we "didnt have enough money" to get that 65 cent chocolaty goodness from 7-11. yet she manages to find enough money misteriously every week for cigarettes, and my dads whine and beer. hmm.

we used to never get clothes, we still dont, we only get clothes once a year and better hope to god we dont gain weight. we get them around christmas. so we have to spend up all our wishes on our wish list on things that we should be getting as essentials: hair cuts, clothes, shoes, stuff like that. though i must admit they do go all out for christmas, but with not spending money on us besides food all year, youd think they would have money saved up.

id have to go to school and play off the hole in my jeans as "the way i wanted them". haha riiiggghht.