WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL

=Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
=Ask someone to take a photo of you shaking hands with the deceased.
=Walk around telling people you've seen the will and they're not in it.
=Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
=Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
=Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral.
=Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
=Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
=Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
=Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
=Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
=Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
=When no-one's looking, slip vampire teeth into the deceased's mouth.
=Toss a handful of cooked rice on to the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!!!", and pretend to =faint.
=At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
=Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
=Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
=Promise the minister $100.00 if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
 

 RANDOM THOUGHTS

=Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
=If you love someone, set them free, if they come home, set them on fire.
=Most people are not particularly good at anything.
=The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
=Slap a dead person.
=Why can't there be more suffering??
=I almost don't feel the way I do.
=I am not in compliance.
=There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.
=If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
=Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
="No Comment", is a comment.
=I am repelled by wholesomeness.
=Hobbies are for people who lack direction.
=Why don't they have dessert at breakfast??
=You never see a smiling runner.
=Sometimes on a rainy day I sit around and weed the losers out of my address book.
=Think off-centre.
=Assisted suicide is controversial. There are moral, medical, legal and ethical arguments. But the =truth of it is, a lot of people just want to get the fuck outta here.
=I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' =heroic.
=No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
=I never watch "Sesame Street". I know most of that stuff.
=Bother the weak.
=A cemetary is a place where dead people live.
=I think you ought to be able to lease a dog.
=Life is a near death experience.
=After a big flood-where do all those rowboats go??
=Don't you get tired of all those cereal commercials where they show the milk being poured in slow =motion and splashing off a strawberry??
=Remember inside every silver lining there's a dark cloud.
=I hate celebrity couples who adopt a third world baby and call it Rain Forest.

 YOU KNOW YOU'RE MORBID WHEN

=You tag onto funeral processions.
=The town undertakers know you by name.
=You are the recognised "local authority" on your town's cemetary.
=You see dead people.
=No one describes you as either, "Happy Go Lucky" or "That Girl With The Sunny Personality".
=You've had your funeral planned since you were 10 years old.
=You have lists of epitaph's you think are "cool".
=You've book-marked this site.