Old Journals
1/22/03: Please forgive me of my tresspasses...
Staring off into the blurry snow, I concentrate on the white flakes that blanket the tortured and dead land. The white of the flakes representing purity, and the purity clensis the ground and paints the scenery of coldness. I close my eyes only to open them to an enviroment that feels so lonely. I converse with those who call themselves my friends but I really don't fit in with them. I just simply go along in order to ease the uncomfort felt. I started the day with bright intentions. My topic was picked for my journal entry, but suddenly was derailed. People constantly take shots at me because of my heritage, because of my likes and dislikes, and basically because who I am. This world uses me to its advantage and then hurls me to the cold ground to suffer. Inside I am a stranger among faces that have filled the same room for almost four years...I find in times such like these, I must watch what I say, so easy what you dispearse can come back to haunt you, even among the closest friends. Today as I took quick glances at Megan I felt a sense of ignorance. Instead of just solving and issue well over due, I put it on hold and at the same time, put myself through trials. Every night I decide to just go up to Megan and tell her how I feel, although she knows, and just ask for a chance to get to know her better. Today I was scolded for a comment I made, A comment I shouldn't had made, but was mentioned to a certain person just to get on her good side. Caught between what is right and frustration I struggle with anger and shame. There is a girl named Rikki Henderson in my Spanish IV class, and she is a very nice person, but I think that I have either wronged her or she just doesn't care for me much. Today, much like friday, just seems different. I have a tendency for a great idea to appear while i'm angry but as the anger fades, so does my motiviatoin, and my work becomes insignificant because there is a helacious drop off in the passion put into the writing. In a world that is forever changing, the only thing I can count on is Molly Butler's smile to make me smile. So as I end what I hoped to be good, it really turns into a snowball of incomplete thoughts thrown together....but in the snowball there is the white. The white in my life is always on question by those who really don't matter in my life. I will come out and admit that my white has faded, but it is still respectable. The black darkness has not consumed my white nor shall I allow it. I end today's thoughts with this simple prayer...."Forgive me of my tresspasses, as I forgive those who tresspass against me."
1/29/03: Batter Up!
This week has been exceptionally better than last week, actually, things picked up friday night when luke suggested going to the Youth Rally. We went and I had a blast and I felt a since of renewal. And what's even more funny, a man who is not aquainted with me gave me a better discription of me than anybody else who claims they know me. He was looking into the crowd and said "I know who you are" and I thought, thats funny, nobody does, and he said " You are a child of God".......I was shocked, that was the best answer I had heard of school....bring on the rain....I can stop it from pouring. Due to the large number of rumors that have sprung, I am making an open offer to anybody who wants me to answer a question...I promise to tell the truth about the situation. I think Mr. Hinkle wants me to start contraversy with him but I decided not to. MEGAN is an interesting person, I am still definetely trying to get to know her, but with the record pace Im going at, it should be neday now.....right. Scott Embree launched his own web page...how lovely...he even has a page where he talks about people in his life and how he feels about them....I wonder where I've heard that before? Now to go back to a subject, I am feeling a lot more confident to just go up to Megan and talk, I mean, by not doing so I am taking myself out of the game. I have to be up at bat before I can swing. I am very happy for my very good and lovely friend Molly, she was nominated for Courtwarming Queen REPRESENTIN' the Senior class....I think. I would say that if I had any anger this week, it would be the fact it seems at times that some seem to make their day better by trying to prove they are better than me, but I have decided that I should not cloud my head with anger and hate just because they have to belittle me to feel better.....Look forward to next week having a poem on here that a wrote awhile back.....you can play guessing games about who it's about but you should know. In closing, the week that has been marked from wednesday to wednesday is now over, and a new one begins.....nothing quite as powerful this week but next week I am sure I will be overfilling with drama for you to enjoy. I would like to end with one of my favorite quotes....
"I want to know God's thoughts...the rest are details.
--Albert Einstein
2/5/03: Gimme da Light
I am so ready for anything this week. I feel so good, we are getting closer and closer to being out school and lovin it! I think luke knows what it feels like now cause the whole school is telling the person he is dating not to stay around him...which is bunk, I mean give the guy a chance, wait until he screws up befo you diss him. It has to be the week to miss old girlfriends though...I haven't spent a night w/o thinking of my past and I wouldn't say I regret what I have done, I just miss those people and ....okay I guess I would say I do regret somethings. Wow, Megan, I can't say how hott she looked today. I don't care, thursday or friday I am going to at least ..........I dont know but I am gonna do more than I am doing right now....how many times have i said that? I am pumped, so just make it clap...yeah so I know I said that I would post a poem but I forgot about it...its abooot Megan, I wrote during the first semester but I guess I will post it next wednesday. Man so many girls have looked attractive....gee I which one is really meant for me, and if she is even in Indep mo. Its like just give me the light, and i will spark you up, and i will throw it at you fools till you've had enough, and I pity the foo who ain't respectin themself, and challange me?, put your ass back on the shelf. Just give me the light and the fit will hit the shan, throwing out lyrics cause I can.....sorry I get carried away. So in case you aint knowing, and in case you ain't heard, I'm so hardcore, just give the word. okay I am having too much fun with this. Not a real Journal....but play...time....shout outs to JESSICA GILLETTE...and....TRISTAN TWITCHEL...JOSH CAP...and DOUBLE L...ABIJAH..(way to take one for the team)....HEIDI!!...I am ready to take on this world and expand into being all the way grown up...I can handle it...I want to go to college and get myselfa good job...ONce I start, I will be unstoppable, jsut give me da light... I have to jet but next week will be much much better...I promise....until then...just make it clap.
05/05/03 - 5/11/03: Hardcore, Hardcore
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Fericho fans of all ages, JF proudly presents to you THE NEWEST UPDATE OF JOSHS WEBPAGE in forever and a day...so obviously a lot has happen since last time we have talked. I graduate the 22nd which is hardcore and I can't wait for it to be over it. Now I know you all be loving this Italian right here, J-O-S-H Ferro is right here. So I have prom right around the corner and I have the pleasure of taking ms. Lori Gillette. It should be tons of fun...even though I can't talk to her. Has nebody else noticed JF could double as jerk face....thats blows. Well anyways its not a question but a lesson learned in time, its something unpredictable, and in the end is right, i hope you have the time of your life. Well guys I will do more and more with this over the summer and I will change the song, if you have ne suggestions I am open to listen to it...you know who is really hott? The acttress off of star wars episode II. Padame. I would so hit that in like two seconds. Picking up where I left off last week...I have like three days left, I skipped CPE today to eat at Taco Bell with Megan and Rikki. I don't know I guess I should show up but whats the point. I have picked my graduation theme song and it is "The taste of Ink" by The Used. Some call it screamo, I call it quality music. So it is dawning on me how much I am going to miss some poeple from my class, with all my friends going to CMSU I will pretty much have to find means to entertain myself. I mean Rikki and Megan are staying behind but I have a minimal to nothing relationship with Megan and the only reason why I get to see rikki is cause I go to Luke's house and she is w/ Nate. So when luke goes to cmsu it's bye bye rikki as well. So here I am, my diplomas in my hand, and I'll savor every moment of it, so here I am, alive a last and I'll savor every moment of it, savor every moment of it. To all who are leaving me, or to those who I really don't get a chance to talk to, I just want to say that I have enjoyed this past couple of years with you. I know sometimes we didnt all get a long but I want to focus on the good times. I would like to personally thank my friend luke for ALWAYS being there for me in some way, regardless of what most people think, and to Kent, Josh Cap, Ryan E. You guys are great. Obviously I can't shout out to everyone but all of you know that you have a special part in my heart and I will SAVOR your friendship. I love you guys. For now it's peace. The taste of ink is getting older. Its four oclock in the fucking morning...adios.
6/8/03: GCB Just around the Corner...
As my summer continues, I find it harder to find things worth doing in this city. I'm still working my bum off and I will have to find another job soon, since my Grandpa is moving the store to Grain Valley. He closes the one in Independence on June 30. I think I am gonna head out into the country for a week just to clear my head of the city noise and problems. A lot of people don't realize how relaxing it is for you to look and see nothing but grass and trees, no cars, no lights, just land and nature. So I started dreaming again, cause I didn't for the longest time, and now they are all based around one girl. It is freaking crazy and I dont know what to make of it. But whoever the girl is, she doesn't stop appearing in them, prolly just a figment of my imagination. I think the funniest thing that happened since I last wrote is that luke that he could go mudding in his Oldsmobile so we tried it....needless to say it didn't turn out to pretty....We ended up having to throw gravel in front of his tires a couple times just to get him out...I was pretty much covered in head to toe with mud. Also here of recently I have played volleyball a couple of times with friends. Sand is your enemy sometiems, I learned that much...so I think I will just leave off with a poem since there isnt really much to talk about, however some suggest that I dont update nearly enough so here it goes:
Angels bless the night,
and grace me in my dreams,
For the face of an angel,
is all I tend to see;
beauty not describable,
and a love you could not believe,
a promise that is unspoken,
that says she will never leave;
Countless nights of happiness,
consume my sleeping hours,
we stare into each others eyes,
cuddling in a bed made of flowers;
Kisses of passion,
that enchant the mystic place,
A feeling of excitement,
that cannot be replaced;
If I had a wish,
I'd wish that dreams come true,
cause then I'd have my angel,
and my search for her would be through.
6/15/03: "The sun don't shine forever, so as long as we here, we might as well shine together"
With my first week of George Caleb Bingham out of the way, I am SO glad that I did it. The people I have met and the time I get to spend with friends I barely see is amazing. I love the social part of. Ther is a lot of hott girls in my class and one might show interest. If you guys get the chance please check out my brother's web page...his band web page, its www.razorwirehalo.com . I will soon host his band on my this page in order to get him more exposure and I know his stuff is different but I ask that you just at least listen, you may not like all the stuff you hear but remember that everyone has a dream, and this is his. They write a lot of songs so if you like a particular one just post it on my forum. I went to Clarenda, Iowa on saturday to see the George Miller Band festival...it was interesting, it was nice to travel but hearing the same songs over and over just played by different bands was a nightmare. I got to spend a lot of quality time with some friends on the way up and on the way back. I got reaquainted with Keston Smith, a really good friend of mine from middle school, he is still an awesome and talented person. I also got to hang out with my very good friend...and cousin Bradley Evans. He is a awesome guy and I will definetly be hanging out with him more often. I took the placement test thing for Blue River and I scored in the 99 percentile in every category...except math...I did horrible...(which by the way, Tristan if you are reading this I could really use some tutoring for the retest) My family held their annual Hog roast at my house, however I did not get to attend cause I was in Iowa, when I did get home there were trucks and people everywhere and people I hadnt seen sleeping in my living room...thats what happens when your stepdad buys a plethora of alcohol for large groups of people. any way....Our Kansas City Royals won five to four in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and down two strikes...just thought I would mention that. I have been having tremendous time and God coudn't have blessed me more with happiness hear of lately. All praise to be the all mighty. Sometimes I wonder if im at all interesting, I mean I know I make an ass out of myself from time to time, but do I have certain qualities that most people find impressive? Im never sure how I appeal to other people or why I dont for that matter. For instance, I have no darn cotten pickin clue if I am a "good singer" because I am complimented and bashed at the same time...You have no idea how hard it is for someone to openly tell you that you suck...but then you have people say you are pretty good...and if you are reading this and thinking "well they were just prolly being nice when they said you were good" ...don't play that card. I highly doubt that is the actual case. What gets me the most is that so quick people are to be critics when them themselves don't even attempt, at least I try, and I will keep doing so until for the simple fact that I love to sing. I mean it makes me happy, and ther isnt nothing that can take that happiness away. So I guess it shouldn't matter, beat me with your hateful words, and try to darken my life like yours, I will continue to do things in my life to make me happy and not hell nor high water will stop me...my luck I will prolly lose all ability to talk tommorrow..so neways be sure to listen to the song of the week. I want to leave of with a "tribute", this poem that I have written is for my brother...a man who doesn't get enough credit, and believe me...credit is due...here it goes:
You have always been so different,
the one who was so strong,
Stood up for what you believed in,
in the many places that said you didn't belong;
You have been tested and have endured,
the ignorance of man,
and though they tricd to knock you down,
I watch as you still stand;
Always there for me,
when your presence was truly needed,
and with you by my side,
we always succeeded;
I wish the best for you,
and I proudly let all know,
that Anthony Ferro,
is my one true bro;
6/20/2003: Unanswered Prayers
After an exhausting week of plays and such, I am definetly ready for a couple days off from GCB. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the class (how could i not?) but everyone needs a break every now and then. I went to the Royals game on Wednesday night and watched them kick some Twins ass. What even makes it more special is that it just wasn't a day to hang with friends, it was a date. It was a lot of fun and I even spoke spanish to the "limonade guy" (whooo). My papers seem to be turning out just fine in class, even though it is really hard to concentrate with some of the people I have in class. I do say, I haven't had so much fun though with a class in all my life, monday we are going on a field trip and next saturday as well. Once again, it probably wouldn't be as special if some of the people that are in there weren't. I really like all of them, they are a fun bunch and we all get a long pretty well. The dominican dance should be coming up pretty darn soon, I should be anxious to attend as usual. So here I find myself in an interesting position, I have like two weeks left at one job and not a guranteed spot newher else. I really need to get on the ball and figure out what I want to do. I recently got a call from Blue River and they told me that they are putting me in pretty much the highest spanish class they can this semester, so I will have taken every spanish class that is available at Blue River by the end of this year. If I get nothing out of college but that I guess it was worth one year. Not to mention i justfound out that GCB is actually 6 college credits which means that I will have 21 college credits instead of 18. I find that to be pretty darn hardcore. I have been writing a lot of poems lately, they just kinda pour out of me, but to me, its as if im stuck in a rut.<-- (is that the right spelling/word im looking for?) I am looking for a new style, a new type instead of romance. I wrote one about my father recently, most importantly I wrote it about how he wasn't always there for me. It brings up dad issues I guess but its something new. I think I would like to do an article about people on my web page. You know, post a pic, tell their story, what they will be doing for college/life/a job...I think that will be fun. As usual I intend of upgrading the site for you one of these days. Maybe when my programming skills become worth a crap. I really need to take a class on HTML. The Royals also won again tonight by the way...I give them props. The reason for the title, the reason for this journal entry is....I wanted to discuss obviously the blessings of an unanswered prayer. I think God has done me many-a-favors by just ignoring some of my prayers. I know he is the one who has said ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened...etc. but maybe somethings weren't suppose to happen at all. I believe that God has a plan for us, but like my good friend Abijah once said " I think that he has set up a path for us with boundaries. We may freely move within that path as long as we don't exceed the walls. I think that my prayers exceeded the walls on several occasions, but I guess it never really hurts to ask...as long as you aren't too greedy. I just want to thank Lori Gillette for the awesome graduation present she gave me...that I just received(totally my falt). I really appreciate it and I think the world of her. Neways I think it is time for me to end this journal and maybe start perspecting life for the next one. Sincerely Yours.
07/16/03: I hurt so bad
God definetely has mysterious ways of working, regardless, in his workings there is a message that he blaitantly puts across. God put me through GCB for two reasons I believe. The first and most obvious reason was to improve my skill as a writer so that when I enter college i will have that much more experience with me. The second...the second is the most cruelest. The second reason God put me through GCB is to teach me that life isn't fair and that it will never be easy for me. No matter how made I think I have it, no matter how sure I am of myself, there will always be something there to remind me that I cannot have everything I want and that when I finally do get what I want, I may not get to keep it. The search for a job goes on...even though I work for Luke's dad every once in ahwile... just long enough to make spending money. I feel as if my world is crashing down on me... I really do feel alone...I know I have God, and thats all I should need but I feel so lonely. My friends are doin their thing and I sit at home hurting and wishing I would have done something different...anything that would have put me in a different position than this one. It sucks to be dumped. I didn't want to say it...but it does, the first time ever in my life, in a significant relationship...speaking of which...I wrote a new poem..you should really check it out for me and tell me what you think by email or on my forum. These past couple weeks have been personal trials on myself. I feel like I have been tested every which way possible. I have been hanging out with my friends Heidi and Stacy alot...they help ease the pain of heart break. The only good thing about this week is the fact that I got my last checks from the store and they were a lot of money. I really need to start college for the simple fact that I need new faces to get hers out of my head. So I wonder what is to become of me as I aimlessly wait out the rest of summer. So badly I want to scream its not fair, but then again, life isn't fair, and we are back to the beginning again...aren't we? So when I smile through the hurt and lie through my teeth, its because I don't want you to worry about me. Lost I am and always will be because your heart belongs to him.
Sincerely Yours.
7/18/03: A week of solitude
Looking back on the past week, I am quite sure that I have never been so bored in all my life; neverless, it was prolly meant to be like that, give me a chance to truly clear my mind and to look my life over. I got a lot of good advice from new and old friends alike, and I was reminded that if nothing else, a book is still a good source of entertainment, when its either that or stare at the wall. When talking to a friend from GCB, a response was given about my state of life right now, it was said: "I'm not heartbroken, I'm just in a slump." Which in reality makes sense, I think I am more disappointed neways. I hate it when things end so quickly, and when I have no control over it. Neways its time for new faces in my life or something because the way this summer is going...as a matter of fact, I think this summer blows for the simple fact that now college will not be a let down by any means what so ever. I mean, Im coming off the most boring summer ever, and know college is going to totally rock. I hope it works like that or something. So I have to really give out a thank you to some key people who have helped me feel better over the past week. Autum - you're a great friend. Brad - You're my cuz! Becki - you are a great person and you will go far at MU. Luke and Abijah and DaMone - You're the greatest...no no You're the greatest...Okay. Heidi and Stacey - You guyrs are great...and for all of my friends you all know how hardcore you are. so this is a rather short journal but then again i just wrote one like two days ago. If you missed it you can always look in old journal entries...and read my poem please...seriously I take my work to be good or bad by the response I get by you guys. Well I think I am gonna end here...with the weekend coming and me lost at sea...I am looking for help but am blinded by the fog...may the light that will lead me to the right path show up soon. Sincerely Yours.
<7/28/03: Old friends...new adventures
Over the time I did not write, I encounted a lot of things through my life. Most importantly, I had the opportunity to catch up with two old friends who I hadn't visited with in a very long time. First friend I ran into was Chris Hunt, I have hung with Chris for like the past two weeks and it has been a boost to an otherwise disappointing summer. I got to see him beat a cobra mustang with his Chevy Silverado truck...now I know what you are thinking...how in the heck did a Ford Mustang that has been enhanced to race, lose to a Chevy four cilinder truck? Well Chris doesn't have an ordinary truck. In this Chevy you will find an engine that is not factory for that truck, not to mention a NOS bottle behind the seat that will kick the truck up a "notch" by the flip of a switch. It was pretty hardcore. We went to the downtown airport and there are back roads that they raced on so they did it pretty safely..I was at a gathering last saturday and I ran into Callie Harvey, a girl who I hadn't saw since I was in elementary...it was neat talking to her and just getting the chance to catch up with her and see what her life had experienced in the time where we weren't acquainted. I cannot begin to express how good I felt Sunday. I went to church and when I got out, I felt recharged. I feel soo good, and then something tried to drag me down, I won't say what...no you know what, the whole purpose of this web site is to say exactly what is on my mind..neways I was feeling so good, and I thought I would call Tiffany because we talked last sunday and I thought maybe we could have a thing where we talked at least once a week on the same day, I know it sounds cheesy, but she is my friend, and that would have meant a lot to me, I wasn't even 10 minutes into a conversation with her and she was like "yeah...can I call you back?" and obviously she didn't. So maybe I am still being punished for something, I don't know but she told me she was capable of having a friendship with me and she isn't trying...I know she doesn't owe me a thing but I almost feel like at least that would be nice...but then again I am Josh Ferro, and for that particular reason, people feel that I should burn for it. But I have decided that I will take it as a learning lesson, never again will I do that to someone, and I feel myself becoming more aware of whatI have done wrong in my past...so its like a lesson on my own history...I use to like history. Neways, my friendship is here whenever she wants it, I won't call her until she returns the call, its as simple as that. I feel myself growing with new friends even more, with the addition of Chris on frequent friends list, old ones keep popping up,I want to shout out to my princess and awesome friend Jessica Gillette - Jess, you are hardcore, and I appreciate your friendship, Know that if you ever have a question in your heart about or relationships or whatever God has the answer. So I am ready for the beginning of school, but then again, that is no secret cause I have said that for awhile. Also a friend that has helped me out alot here of lately is Silly Sandie...she is a really cool girl and a socca playa! (10 points on my list.)(NOTE: a list of point scoring for "extras" on a girl that score points in my book will be listed next week. I don't necessarily just go for those qualities or things in a girl, but they are pluses that earn points.)I also want to start a photo album of friends and host people on my web page...show a pic of them...praise them...tell their hobbies...and so forwarth. If you are interested, send me an email or leave a message on the forum. I have been hanging out with my real dad a lot lately and for the first time in my life I feel like we are actually on the same page, like interest each other, before we just kinda hung around each other. Neways I do believe that this is the end of this weeks journal. Reaching for the sky I clear the darkness that blocks the rays to my destiny. I welcome the rain as it cleans me from my past, and feeds my ambitions. I feel new.
Sincerely Yours.
8/7/03: We can talk about anything, we can talk about stickers! Do you like stickers?
I am exhausted, its like almost elevan a.m. and I have been up since six a.m. Its the summer, Im not suppose to see this time of day! I dont know, the past week has been crazy. I have like every permit possible for a kid my age so I can work in Kansas City and Independence either selling alcohol or handling food. Wednesday was my first day stocking the bar i work at...Its soo freakin easy. I start Hy vee this saturday and I am anxious to start. I need to start making money. I saw Abijah before he left for college on tuesday, my friends are slowly starting to leave for college and I will be here. Over the weekend all I really did was go out to eat. I ate at Red Robyn, a new hamburger type of resturant and it was decent, overpriced, but decent. I don't know nemore, I need something in my life right now. Whether it be friends to keep me busy, or work, I need something to make sure my mind can't think about this summer. I need things that can help me transition and move on with my life into a new section. I dont know its crazy. What I think I really need is some exciting things in my life. I started to read a new book called "The girl who loved to run" by G.P. Schultz. Its a pretty hardcore book. I try to read a chapter a night, I make time and it seems to keep me interested...and I am more than ready to go to bed after reading for a little bit. I ran into my good friend Molly Butler on Monday and got a chance to hang w/her for like two seconds on tuesday. ON tuesday I also got to see Megan Brunner so It was a nice tuesday for me I guess you could say. It was the first time I got to see Molly since the end of school so that was exciting for me. Molly will always have a special place in my heart because she is such a nice and caring person. My GCB reunion (can u call it a reunion?) is coming up like next week and at the same time I am anxious for it, I am dreading it. I don't want to see tiffany. I do sooo bad. But I dont. I have kept my word that I wouldnt call her back until she returned my call...which still makes me mad..and a the same time I want her in my life I fear that I will always have feelings for her. I know I sound completely stupid but then again...Its like, I am being haunted. I can't explain it..one day I won't even think about her and I will perfectly fine, and the next she could be everwhere I look, or in every conversation I have...not necessarily actually in the conversation like being talked about but something about it reminds me of her. I know I am crazy and i know you are reading this going "You can't be freakin serious" but I am. And it sucks. Believe me I dont want to. I want nothing more than to find a nice girl and move on with my freaking life but I can't. Im tired of talking about her. But If I was told not to think about something then I would think of her. IF was told not to think of something besides her, I would think about her. Its like, "If I told you not to think about the color red, what would you think of?" "Tiffany." And I can't explain my reasoning behind it, as a matter of fact there probobably isnt ne reasoning behind the situation. No se que pensar. Give a shout out to mis amigos Silly Sandie, Nicole, and Luke. Autum, thanx for the song that is plaing in the background! and for the rest of my friends, Top of the morning to ya. Neways...I think that the tiredness is preventing me to write nemore or of nething considered quality so this is where I say I quit and you tell me that I can't. Sincerely Yours.
Where can I truley start? I don't have much to say and yet there are certain things that are screaming to get out..if that makes sense. Well to start off, it finally happened. All my friends that I hung out with on a daily basis have left me in Independence and have moved onto a better thing for themselves right now. I am all alone and yet at the same time, I have felt alone all summer. I think thats why it really doesn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I mean I will still miss my friends, Im just not gonna take is soo bad. Besides, I will be down there in three semesters neways. I guess my bro is worried about his job status. I guess he has been hablando mierda about me at work. He says that I do a piss poor job and a whole bunch of crap...funny things how even my brother won't say it to my face. Oh well, he is going through a rough time and he can judge all he wants, I have to be able to trust him. So when I started out, I felt like I had nothing to talk about, and well, whenever I have nothing to talk about, God always gives me something that I might be able to ponder about or discuss...and he did exactly that once again. My dearest friend Luke came online while I was about to begin my journal and Luke reminded me of two weekends ago. I was at Sabrina Henderson's going away/birthday party and Luke was finding things to put in the bond fire to keep it going...and the jerk put in a minature American flag. I was like, "what the hell are you doing?!" and he was like "I'm canadian." You know, I would think that most people wouldn't want to brag about burning a flag, but luke insisted that I put this on here. He also told me a story, and in that story, he had described all the lies he had told to previous girlfriends, lies that were probably used in order to depants them but neways...he gave me a quote to use. He was discussing virginity and he was discussing how funny the term was, because according to what he has told people "I have been a virgin 7 times!" Luke also told me a story about today in his dorm, but I think Luke stories are better told by luke...so we will quote exactly what he said. "oh really sweet ass i used mine today(credit card)... I pissed my pants today so i needed new shorts... i slipped this morning in the bathroom on a wet puddle and fell got my dingy caught in my zipper and pissed down the front of my pants, thats honestly how it happened." Like I said, directly from Luke. neways, the past week, or the time that has past sense I wrote last, I have done lots of things I suppose...but what tops the list is work with my dad. We are cleaning up and painting a house...its money. I went to my GCB thing on Monday...the eleventh. and my fears of seeing Tiffany were vanished because she never came. She had informed me earlier in the day that she wasn't gonna go. She had her mom go up and get it for her because she was too busy. Neways, I got to see Sandie and Becky and almost the rest of the class, so it was worth it. I mean, there was more to that class than Tiffany, and I was reminded of that. I should have known that from the beginning, but I let silly things crowd my thought process. However, tiffany did call me later that week, much to my surprise. I didn't get to talk to her because she called when I was at work and I missed the call but I got to IM her for a little bit. It was nice to hear from her. So monday, I start school, and i am ready for it. I think that it will be good for me. I really dont have much to say once again...distracted by what was once my prescense and now my past and the conversations in between, my train of thought is completely shot, and could you hear me if I scream? I say goodbye with intentions of, picking off where we had left, until then, where I begin, my life is not a mess. Sincerely Yours.
9/06/03: A bad week gone good?
Man, when this week started, I knew it wasn't going to be by any means great. It started Sunday. I had went to church and rushed to work. I was at work for like three hours and I cut my finger on tbe meat slicer. I was gonna wrap it and go back to work but I had to get a second opinion from the manager and they took me to the emergency room and the glued the cut closed. That could have been easily shaken off but then monday my truck died. The oil pump went out in it and since I drove home new ways the motor burned up. So I spent the next three days either car pooling or driving my mom's tahoe...which she threw a fit over but I had to go to college. Man I didn't think this week could get worse, I mean, my truck died, I almost lost a finger...but it all became all good yesterday. (Friday)...and this friday, was a very good friday. I got a call at work from my mom and she told me to come out on my break from work and when I did I saw her in a 2001 Ford Ranger step side xlt. She got out and told me that it was mine. It was pretty sweet. I have to make payments on it but they put the down payment on it and are getting it legal. I mean, I hated not having my own transportation. So I was pretty content to get it. Other things that happened in my week...not much what so eva. I mean not having wheels contributed to that, but I don't know. Other than that, I haven't spent much time w/ freinds. Some have been a disappointment to me. Have you ever wondered what seperates you from the next guy. Honestly, I went through highschool having unique shirts, shirts no one else had, and now, I got to college, and half of my shirts are worn on the same day. Its like crap. I mean I know, I am exposed to a more wider crowd and more people than highschool but it like there are plenty of guys who have my clothes and are just as good as me if not top me,(many of them do). This really isn't about shirts, I mean it is, but it isn't. Its about me trying to find the qualities that distinguish me as an individual. What can a girl see about me and like that she cannot find in the next guy? I seriously want to know. So it makes me wonder, what really seperates one guy from another. I mean seriously, I haven't found a girl yet that I can say there a 20 other girls just like. I don't know nemore. Its funny how things really work. Its like girls have this advantage that where they look for matieral things in life rather than things such as personality. I mean, there is prolly 50 guys who are like me so they have like upgrades, they get more specific, and I fall otu of the race. Thats the way it seems. You would have no idea how many girls smoke at Blue River. So half the girls that are hott, I dont even look at in that aspect because a cigarette has to be the biggest turn off in the world. But what exactly did I expect? It's a community college. And I hope I can only that this momentum swing keeps up and things work out to my advangate. I wanna do something fun this weekend, about the only thing I have done so far it get my hair cut. Well, not that much to say then. So bad is drowned out by the good and my life has no where to go but up. How I go from here to there is yet to be deteremined, along with if I will do it on my own.
Sincerely hers.
09/16/03: "I lied my face off...when I said I'd be okay"
- Tim Youngstrom
So I live a melodramatic life that is pointless says gordy. Well gordy, your name says it all. You know its funny. Funny how I had just told Tiffany on the phone last night how great of an audience I had to read my journals because of the nice and kind things they had to say. Funny how it's easy for people to be soo twisted and sick in order to get someone angry or try to embarass them. Funny how I would never say such words of hate but yet they are so easily thrown right at me. Mark my word, I'm not complaining. I telling it how it is. Gordy was right about one thing. Life does get harder as you go. But what gordy was dead wrong at is that I am not a failure. I've grown more with these journal entries than I had in quite a long time. It helps not to be two faced, something that I picked up from trying to please everyone. It teaches me not to be angry so much and forgiving. This is not a failure because of the great people who support it. I am not a failure because of the great people that won't let me be. As melodromatic as I may be, thats how things gow. I just simply express myself in ways others do not no how to vent. I refuse to go down. I refuse to give in, to let you lead me astray by your words of hate and your intentions to exploit me. Post again...but this time put your name. Funny how what you find funny and what I find funny are completely different. But Im not laughing. I will find out.
sincerely hers.
09/17/03: Keep staring and she might just disappear.
Where do you turn when you're so disgusted with confusion and hurt that you cannot sleep, nor eat? When you go to your college classes and the whole time you think about nothing relevant to the subject, but to the one thing that you've tried soo hard not to worry about. When you no longer know nor care what is best for you, just what will make the pain go away. When you want to smile so bad but the tears that you hide will not allow you to show an expression without your face quivering. When you have become someone who is not you and it just adds to the insult that has allready been left by others. When the people who you always confide in and find comfort in can't make this one better. When jelousy grows where there is no need for it, and it clouds your mind. What do you do when you know the solution is near and not so hard to accomplish, but you fear it more than anything. When you are torn inside because of events of the past and the realness that has come back to them. When you want to express how you truly feel but are afraid to lose the friendship that has been misplaced before. When you are trashed by those who hide behind false names and belittle you in manners that no kid should have to read about. When you realize that they have begin to win because they in return have made you hurt and belittle others. When you begin to doubt those around you and your back is truly against the wall. When you know everyone has problems and yet you allow yours to ingulf you. There is always temporary solutions but never any that look worth while at first to fix the problem for good. When writings poems is theraputic for you, but in order for the theropy to completely work you would have to write more poems that God allows time in his short days. When you dream a beautiful dream, and that dream sticks with you all day...and then reality brings you to know what is real. What is tangible. What is never, nor will be meant for you. When hurt drives you to write thoughts of sorrow in your journal, for all to see. For all to read. For all to judge you, to judge how you deal under pressure. How you really add up. When your mind is against you and your heart can't take another blow. There is always a solution, however, the ones that appeal to you most are nothing more than temporary. When you need your friends more than anything else in this world and you have trouble distinguish where to turn because you realize that the guy you called your best friend is no longer there to nod his head and says "that sucks" or "im sorry." That really did make a difference. When you know that this all will fade and make no difference in your life days,weeks,months, and years from now, an that scares you more than anything. Friends are hard to come by these days. When everyone seems to have an edge over you in some aspect. No one ever said the long road would be easy. Its too late to turn back, It's too late not to hurt. Either way, pain is included. When the way you have been acting begins to make yourself wonder if you are bi-polar. When you grasp every waking moment spent with friends like it was your last day on earth because you feel so deprived of having someone there for you. When you concentrate so hard on things now, that it messes it up worse if you were just to half ass it. When all you really need is just put it down into words, and bring into aspect in order to feel better. When I was a kid, my dad, my real dad, was in and out of my life. One time I was staying with him and we were at my grandma's. He was drinking and sitting in the back room that lead to my grandma's back yard. I looked at him happy as can be and I said "daddy, what's the matter?" and he said "I feel like the grass Joshua." It was January and there was snow on the ground and the grass was brown. I said "oh, you feel cold?" and he said "No, I feel dead." I use to get so mad at my dad for taking soo much pitty on himself....and now here I am...My dad hated lights. At night he would sit in the dark listening to his records and smoking his cigarettes and I thought to myself "how could things get so bad that one could feel like that." My dad was never really happy when I was little. I don't remember but maybe one time when my father was happy. Its ironic how you become the things that you try so hard not to be. My dad's favorite phrase is "I give up" and sometimes around some people I use it more one conversation than I had for the past week. When you truly need work to keep boredom from driving you insane. When the thoughts have been instituted into your mind since you were ten that if you run from your problems that you are worthless...and sometimes if you thought about it twice the door wouldn't be quick enough to hit you in the ass. Freedom, freedom of worries, freedom of all the crap that life does to slap you in the mouth just to get a reaction out of you. So this one time, I ugh...I sat at a computer and totally cleared everything off my chest onto a journal...a journal that alot of people have access to. I wrote...I wrote about a girl, and a vietnemese lady who told me the pain I feel now would fade with time but I should never let a girl know how I truly feel. That, I am at war, and everyone is my enemy...everyone has the ability to puncture my heart. I talked about my cousin and I talked about jelousy. But, I ugh, I did what I do best, I sugar coded the whole freaking thing so that I know what I said, but other would just stare not really knowing what I truly meant. I thought about how selfish I felt afterwards but how necessary it was in order to get me back to a state of mind that I could deal with. I thought about how the problem isn't really solved, just momentarily releaved. I thought alot, I hope you liked it. And honestly, if you didn't...all I can do is say I'm sorry. I needed that more than your acceptance. So do I pick up where I left off, or try something else? The answer will never come in time to aid me in my decision. sincerely hers.
Angelic eyes upon me,
Fell off me way too fast.
Symbolic for those summer days
that have turned into my past.
Angelic hands that touched me,
sent shivers down my spine.
I flirted with the heavens
and prayed it would make her mine.
Angelic lips I've tasted
with a soft,enchanting kiss.
It was the first of not enough
on that long Clarinda trip.
An Angel I have laid with,
lost for words I stared.
Wondered if she really knew,
how deeply that I cared.
Now that Angel's gone,
for forever as it seems.
And her eyes fall upon me,
only in my dreams.
09/20/03: "What's the point of something if it's not forever?"
- Annie Littlewood
Wow...amazing how you can completely feel different within a matter of days. I feel soo much better its unreal. And I owe that to a lot of friends out there that are there for me on a constant basis. I may not be able to see them or talk to them alot...but they come through always when I need them the most...I want to say thank you to all of them. I'm seriously thinking about opening a xanga account. I mean I will keep this, I just will have two pages. I like how they have a community for people like me that like to express how they feel over the internet and have a group of peers to read it and leave comments. What I don't like about it is that you have to be a member to leave a message and it begins to make things complex. You can still view everything, you just cant post, and when u make things difficult to do, people lose interest. I decided last night that everything was going to get better and it literally has. I have vented all that I needed in order to accomplish that but the answer to the healing all came last night. One might say, dissapointment acted as the scab to my wound...stopping the bleeding. How funny does that sound? Disapointment made me better? How could that possibly be...well it did. It cleared some things up in my head and the confusion then cleared itself. I know it sounds crazy but it did help. I don't like to be disappointed by my friends. It helps me to alienate against them once a certain point of disappointment is reached. And with alienation comes the blocking of thoughts pertaining to that particular person. If I can think of life rather than things holding me down, such as the dreams of mine that turned into nightmares...speaking of which..I have had repetitive dreams again. And I barely dream at all so when I do dream I find it pretty significant especiall if it is consistant. I am with my dad and I am in a room that appears to be my childhood house. I never leave the front room, I am always in the same room. My dad enters and exits as he pleases but I am stationary. In this room, I am not alone. Hiding in the corner is a serpant. A red and black snake, with the head of a cobra, and the tail of a rattler. The serpant only comes after me when my father exits the room, and when I yell, my dad and sister appear, My sister picks up the snake and acts dead...it doesn't move when she touches it. As soon as they leave the snake comes at me again...and the dream ends. Messed up huh? LoL...if nothing else I gave u guys a great laugh huh? By the way, next week I am posting a short story I wrote for GCB. I particulary like it and I think u will as well. Well it is saturday, and I really dont want to be stuck inside all day so Im going to end it hear. I've gained solid ground, and commence upon my journey once again, all questions are answered as of now. Friends come to my aid when I lose control and remind me I am not alone. An anouncement will come soon...until then...I ask myself "Why am I not told what everyone else seems to know?" Sincerely....yours...once again.
9/21/03: So, I wrote another poem, I just want to let everyone know before I make someone mad, that just because I write a poem, it doesn't have to be about someone, it could just be about mixed emotions and situations...or something like that. So I give you "disregard my apologies."
Disregard my apologies,
even those I have yet to make.
Because I wasn't being at all sincere,
and the meaning behind them, fake.
Disregard all my smiles,
I completely take them back.
I'm erasing every mark we've made,
to leave the chalkboard black.
Disregard my loving phrases,
everyone that I had said.
Because now they are made up by empty words,
that occupy my head.
Disregard this friendship,
that we both worked to create.
beCause when I was building it with love,
you disregarded it with hate.
So, just disregard everything,
even these disregarding words.
Because this is not the solution,
nor is it the cure.
Joshua Ferro
09/25/03: "And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time..."
- Jimmy Eat World
This week has been relaxing. I learned that sleep is an awesome thing sometimes. Relaxation is a wonderful thing. Man, now I see why its so easy to get fat. I feel really good today...lol...but I dont have much to say. So I think I am gonna take up tennis...well seing how I bought a tennis racket and balls I might as well...funny to story to that...not really...just a story. I went down to Warrensburg on Monday night and I stayed with Luke and Damone. It was great to hang out with them again. Well I got there around two and we played Madden 2004 on the playstation for a little bit then we went and ate at one of Warrensburg's only resturant. Applebees...it was decent though. Then we went back to the dorm to watch Monday night Football...but the raiders got spanked so it didn't hold our interest very long at all. So the night dwells on and finally luke calls it a night and tries to sleep. Damone and I went to the Walmart in town and we decided we were gonna play tennis so me and him bought a racket and I bought some balls. I overslept...riiight...I slept till noon the next day and ended up just leaving when I got up. So I didn't get to play but I have a racket and balls...I might check into playin a little here with heidi or something. LOL, the coolest thing happened at work yesterday. I was waiting on a customer with a little girl and she kept asking her dad questions. I eventually started listening to what she was saying and she asked her dad "Dad, don't you work at Hy Vee?" The guy answered "Yes, Dear but I work at a different Hy Vee." The little girl looked up and said "oh. Well they work here." I laughed pretty hard so thats the quote of the week. Other than that, not much has happened in my life this week...I hope the weekend has great things in store. But, as promised, I have posted the story I wrote for GCB. The link is at the bottom of the page. So be sure to check it out. I like it...I hope you do as well. I think I might leave off with a poem I will write right now for you guys...so here it goes...Josh winging it.
Angry tears stream down his face
confusion sets the scene.
When she left she broke his heart
And shattered all his dreams.
But selfishness makes up life
And life is never fair.
Inside he is screaming,
but it seems that no one cares.
What's best for him and best for her,
seem not to be the same.
He said he wanted what she wanted,
so who truly is there to blame?
He looks back now and she so far gone,
he knows she didn't think twice.
An opportunity she couldn't pass,
that better fit her life.
Sun rays come to dry his cheeks,
and things begin to seem okay.
Mistakes are made constantly,
and it was a mistake letting him get away.
....I think the ending sucks...it could use some work..but for just winging it...it should do.
9/28/03: In my life, two things were always meant to be broken, promises and my heart.
Have you ever really wondered why people think the way they do. Or if your friends really become intrigued by the stuff you do. I was blessed with the opportunity of reading a friends poems and I really enjoyed it...its not every day that one of my friends openly share their poetry with me...I mean I have done it for so long but no one has ever really let me read there work...and the whole time that i was reading it i couldnt help but think of what her inspirations were for the poetry...and I was soo curious...and now, I wonder if all become curious or try to think of what I think when i wrote the poem...I mean I didn't ask her what her modems were...I just stopped and tried to think what she had gone through...because all of her writings were really emotional writings that had more significance and meaning than I feel any of mine have had. I don't know...I dont know where I am going with this...sometimes I just have to write. I don't even have to make sense...I just have to write. Like there are things on my mind that I feel all uneasy about that won't even matter nor make sense tommorrow. I was reading some old emails....I have this habbit...I save all the old emails from girls that I have dated and girls I really like...my favorites folder is full of all kinds of emails...what I like to do is read them like a year or two later and try to figure out what was going on in my life at that particular time...its amazing how highly I was thought of and now I wonder "what would you think of me now." There are a couple of times when someone has compared me to being perfect...and I am nowhere near close...and now they make that more than clear when I talk to them now. Its funny, its funny that I have so much to say sometimes...so much that is soo significant and yet I feel like I have to say it...I can't find the words that meet the signifcance to express it. In my room...I have pictures still hanging of ex girlfriends...like lined up right next to each other...I like to remember the good times that I had with that person...in a world that mainly focuses on the bad I love to focus on the good. so what do u think of me now? The pictures are hanging in the mirror of my room...I dont have pics of all of my exgirlfriends...just some....thats it..oh yeah...by the pics I have also hanging movie ticket stubs and programs to major events, and tickets to royals games, chiefs games, and soccer games....I can look at each one and remember who was with me when i was at the event...some exgirlfriends I have more stuff of than others...for instance...I have tickets to plays and programs to concerts of one exgirlfriend and she by far takes up more of the mirror...but thats because of the length of time spent with her....its not like im still holding on...i jsut like some memories to stay with me. So now that I have wrote about a whole bunch of non important stuff...i am gonna go now...so what do u think of me now?
09/30/03:
I had written this awesome thing about rain...and stupid questions and it all got erased so I give up...even had half of a poem written...oh well...I will write tommorrow..kinda depressing...lost all that work. Well..I just listened to Dashboard...now I want to write another poem. Josh
10/03/03: If I truly told you my every thought...you'd never read this site.
Oh man are there soo many stories out there, the type of stories we use to buy into as children. Of course you have the most popular and generic stories of Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy...I mean everyone had those stories as children. Do you want to know one of my favorites...man I bought into this one hardcore. Love. Man that was a great one...in my life, love is a fairytale. Thats it. So this week wasn't that bad. Thursday, when I got out to the parking lot after class I found a note on my truck...it said "Stallion, seen you around campus and youre pretty hot. Maybe we should hang?" and she signed with a heart and a question mark...and the whole time I'm thinking...the poor guy who was suppose to get this never will cause the chick put it on the wrong truck...na I dont know. So this weekend could shape up to be pretty...generic...generic is a good word. You know what I hate about myself...I can't stay mad...when I started to write this journal...I was furious...I was sooo mad, and I wanted to pick a name to express how i felt and by the time I found one that might deliver half of the significance I was just left with this hollow feeling inside...I woke up at 5:30 this morning and I couldnt get back to sleep...so I decided to watch the end of the Godfather part II. I dont know if you have seen the movie, but in the end, Al pacino, the main character, kills his older brother...in italian families, families are your everything so when you are betrayed by one of them...it breaks your heart harder and more significant than any other person could imagine...and Al Pacino's older brother leaks information and is tricked by Pacino's enemy that eventually leads up to a hit on his life...when your world is falling down around you, the one group you should be able to run to for shelter is your family. How sad is it thats not how it always go. "Boys like me are a dime a dozen." So I guess...nothing significant to write about...so I think I will add another verse or two the poem...what is gone still hurts, what is here still hurts...pain is real...love is a fairytale. Sincerely Yours. Oh by the way...since you guys missed the significance...the name of Tom Greene's character in Freddy got Fingered is Gordy...sounds familiar.
10/06/03: "No one knows what its like, to feels these feelings, like I do. and I blame YOU"
My dreams, they aren't as empty, as my conscience seems to be. I cover my head with a pillow, in my bed, I lay afraid, afraid that your not coming back, and I have no say, So as the tears pour down, and Im too lost to be found, I silently pass by the day. Because regardless of what I am or what I do, I will always be C2K. ::::Discovered:::: "nO onE kNoWs HoW tO SaY tHerE SorRiE." My love is vengenced, thats nevered freed. I had a dream I was running, and the whole time that I am sleeping, I am sleeping in the basement, on the floor. And in reaction to my dream, I kick my foot....and obviously it just does so motionless...however...in my dream it felt like I fell...and it awoke me. When I awoke, on MTV was Fred Durst. And Fred Durst was singing a very familiar song....I immediately recognized it to be a song called "Behind blue eyes" originally by The Who...ne ways I like this rendition...even though most rendition of old songs aren't that good. Silence, loss of truth, loss of breathe, loss of feeling, loss of hope. I lost it all, when you made the call, when my heart was so provoked. I blame you. I blame you. I blame you. Do you hear me? I blame you. Or should I blame myself? That sounds better, doesnt it? My little neice Elise is coming over to visit and my brother doesn't even know. I'm tired of my family as using me as a between man for my brother....its always.."have you talked to your brother?" "Whats up with your bro?" Im just like, freaking call him. I do, so can you. Elise is pretty hardcore. Forget my dreams, you broke them all, I always never be enough. I guess some kids have it, and some kids don't, I'm not made of the right stuff. But behind these eyes of sorrow, Im thinking, thinking to resolve this mess. Maybe it was an exam, and I just got balled, and completely failed the test. I'll always be me and you'll always be you, and inside me you will always rest. When I found you, you looked so perefect, like my one and only treasure chest...you still look perfect....and it is of that perfectness that has found me not to be. Remember...but I already covered that poem. My love is vengence, I blame you. My heart is unreparable. I blame you. ::::Discover::: J-O-S-H.::::Discover:::: "Trust is a word...created by liars." - Tim Youngstrom. If this journal entry is a little out there for you...thats pretty much how I feel right now. But then again when you wake up listening to Fred Durst, how else are you suppose to feel. So I guess this is where I call it quits for right now. Drowning in a sea of tears, she left me there to drown, I plead, and beg, and call for help, but she just ignores the sound...a little remix for ya...I call it my special loss.
10/09/03: Hi, my name is Josh, and I have a problem, and this problem has to stop.
I love reading my old journals. I think saving them was the best thing I could have possibly done. I mean rereading them is like someone else wrote them because I forget soo quickly what I have wrote in the past. And I can learn a lot about my past...stuff I should have never forgotten. I praised God in the first journal entry that Tiffany came into play and in my life for the happiness that he had blessed me with....Its time that I put trust in faith and let faith restore that happiness. I received a message on my Xanga site from a girl that I don't know who lives in Illinios. She told me not to give up hope because God always come through at the last minute...because he likes the hero image. I thought she dispearsed that quite well. I mean its great advice that keeps me going...and some advice is just like ...are you kidding me? For instance, my dear friend Jessica's advice. She means well but she told me that I needed to got over the whole situation for the simple fact that my readers were bored with it. Well it is indeed time I get over it but thats not the reason. Although the survey I did take told me that Jessica is my lucky star. By dwelling on a situation I had complete control over several times I through myself into a downward spiral allowing havoc to be reeked into my life. I inflicted pain to myself by letting things get out of hand. A sound mind rules over his emotions like a dictator. By no means am I saying that by expressing my thoughts was bad, I am saying let them engulf my life and how I act because of that was. I bet you within the next month I will express a sad view on the page...better make that the next week. This will continue to serve as my venting point. I'm not going to sugar coat my life and smile and say Im okay when Im not. I just do that on occasion. So I haven't had ne good analogies lately...I will work on that...when reading the first couple of journal I ever wrote I noticed my word choice and over all writnig was of a higher level. So I was at work, and it was about 8:45 p.m. and around this time not a whole lot of business is done...obviously...so I was talking to myself in spanish...just in my own little world and then...I look over and this little girl is just staring at me with this look on her face Like I am completely freaking crazy. And then she wouldnt stop staring at me. Seriously, like I smiled at her and looked away...and I looked back...and she was still staring. The other lady that works with me, her name is trinh, she is vietnemese. She tells the funniest jokes. Not because the joke itself is funny, but because her english is so broken and her view on a joke is so different than ours that its funny. for instance, she told me this joke last night. "There this boy, and he very hungry. His father sent him to hunt bird. He find bird that sleep only on one leg. So he kill bird. But he so hungry, he very hungry, so he eat one leg of bird. When he get home, his father say 'stupid boy, what did u do?' But the boy tell his father thats how he find it. So he show is father in the woods another bird like that, and the father only sees one leg, so the boy wins." And she started laughing so hard at her own joke I thought it was Luke telling it and I couldn't help but laugh as well. I think I want a piercing in my ear again...I will prolly take it out a month after I get it but I feel like I want it back now. Well tonight is the concert, and Im really excited about it...hopefully Luke will get ahold of me in time. Well neways...I think Im done for now...Im gonna finish the poem that has taken me forever to write and start a new one. Special shout out to Jessica Gillette. Who gets much props for being my lucky star. Till then, its time to find out, what this pretty is. Sincerely Yours.
br>
a Broken heart and eyes of sorrow,
a promise never kept.
an empty spot,an empty pillow,
a monument to where you slept.
A wishful thought, a desperate prayer,
he'll never leave the room.
Convinced that your not gone for good,
he thinks you'll be returning soon.
Stunning Eyes, a stunning kiss,
your one and only face.
So gorgeous and so special,
it will never be replaced.
Screaming loud, such useless thoughts,
HOW COULD SHE HURT HIM SO?
But she's happy, and since she's happy,
thats the way it goes.
So he will just close his eyes and fall asleep
because sleep will ease his pain.
But with sleep, there are his dreams,
that forever shout her name.
* * * * * * * * *
This bitterness just has to end,
these tears just must subside.
Life goes on and so has she,
no longer can I hide.
This downward spiral has an end,
and will do so when I say.
Time has come to turn around,
although up so far away.
But now I say i've had enough,
and I must forget her taste.
Trust in God, and all he does,
and completely restore my faith.
I'm strong enough, I will rebuild,
I'll learn and find my bliss.
A place, a girl, a special moment,
filled with happiness.
10/13/03: Cowboys have always been my heros.
Do you know how many hott girls there are out there? Defintelely a lot. They just hide from me...jk. I don't know, here of lately, it seems like they are everywhere. Now I know how selfish that seems, how ignorant I look, because according to Jessica 'hot is hot' and you judge hottness by a someone's outward appearance. I don't know, thats not always true. There were definetely a lot of hott girls at the Concert on thursday. I will defintely be talking about that a lot or refrencing back to that alot just because I had the time of my life there and I cannot wait until the next. So with all these hott girls out there, which I admire, and always from a distance, I wonder. I wonder if any of them are meant for me. I mean a guy can dream can't he? I mean this is America, even the most unattractive guy has the right to think that he has an opportunity with a chick of such beauty. Luke and I was in front of this absolutely gorgeous girl at the concert and afterwards I remember thinking how rediculous I was for not trying to talk to her more or maybe asking for her number. HOW BOUT THEM CHIEFS?! HOW BOUT THEM TIGERS?! It was a grrreat weekend to be in Missouri, I mean like toney the tiger great...unless you are a Missouri resident that roots for Kansas (who lost) and then you are just....mislead. Church was great on Sunday...I got to see my cousin Brad. You know what I love about my xanga site? Is the fact that even if somebody doesn't know me, or if someone doesn't have much to say, they post comments....man I'm glad I did xanga. You know, just a way of saying hey. But I guess sometimes that just too much to ask...jk. I wore my concert shirt of 'the used' to class today and a girl walked up to me and was like 'do you even listen to them?' I was thinking, thats the most retarded question I have ever heard, but I was nice and I said that i did, and I said something about me not just wearing it to be wearing it and she said that she could see me doing that. Its funny how people predetermine what you should like, what you should be like, and the type of person you are in general. I am ready for snow. Lets just skip right to it. I like cold winter nights when there is a plethora of snow on the ground. That makes me happy, but so do hott girls...so I guess I am back to where I started and that signifies my end. Oh by the way, the song in the background is inspired by Damone Fabert, thanks for being a great friend Damone. sInCerEly yours.
10/21/03: Just another week I guess...
I had so much to say last night and had so much on my mind and now I start this journal entry with not much to say at all. Lets start with last weekend. Friday night I ended up going to Lawrence, Kansas with my cousin B-rad to see the band Mates of State. It was denitely a different type of music, but I enjoyed it and getting out of Independence was theraputic for that matter. On the way out there I listened to the new Outcast c.d. and it is hillarious. I'm not a big Outcast fan at all but this c.d. is completely different from the ones he has done in the past and I definetely think its worth having actually. Saturday was spent at work and then later at the Caps house. It was good to hang with old friends. We decided to go down to the Fort side of town to just run our cars and I found out that I have a governer switch on my truck that won't let me exceed the speed of 95...which kinda blows. So I think I might save up for a super chip to put in my truck to void the switch. Ahh I have to work fourty hours this week, should keep me busy enough and my paycheck should be pretty fat. Sunday was decent as well. Went to church and felt revived, I felt grrreat. I went into work feeling great. The tigers lost to number one oklahoma but the Chiefs won...barely...I was disappointed in their play last night. They played pretty bad. I don't know, it feels like sometime like sin is just so easy to find now a days. More like it doesn't have much trouble finding me. Like the girl at work that has a reputation of sleeping around that likes me. I'm not gonna get with her nor will I ever mess around with her, but I would be lieing through my teeth if I was to say that the thought didn't cross my mind. But...my love for God is stronger than the desire to make a big mistake so I won't. I started another poem today when I was suppose to be taking notes for West. Civ. Its another sad one...its seems like all that I can write is sad stuff. But I guess thats where my life is right now and prolly won't change until an incredible girl comes along that I can have an incredible friendship with. Then things will prolly be happy. Till then, I don't have any reasons to write happy stuff. To write of love that is good. So I'm taking applications for that incredible girl...jk...I know I shouldn't look soo hard, but I think that in itself is just deceitful advice because I don't think that if you were in my position that you wouldn't worry about it...then again you will never be in my shoes and I will never be in yours so to make such an arguement I am only making myself subject to someone to contradict me or critize me. It happens. Well I think I am at the end for this entry. I hope that the next time I check this site that their will be at least a couple responses to the entry. I would appreciate it. :)
Sincerely Yours.
10/27/03: Ahhh!
I dont really have a purpose to this entry. I just wanted to play this song. My weekend was crazy and made up of confusion. I spent a lot of time watching I love the eighties strikes back because...well...quite frankley I love the eighties. I had a couple of people ask me about my past. One girl I didnt know at all. The chiefs and tigers won this weekend, that rocks. Lol, The marlins won the World Series, which I am all for. I was at church and my pastor was like "God is not a yankees fan." I laughed pretty hard. He has a good sense of humor. I don't know what else to say to you. I went and played at the park on friday with Tiffany. That was a lot of fun. I hadn't played at a park in so long. The swing set, the slide, the playground equipment all together made me happy. Its the little things that count. Well at least in my life. The little things can't be trivial. Tuve un sueno que hablaba espanol con ninos y los ninos trataban venderme drugos. It was really wierd. No escuela manana para mi. Thats pretty awesome. Well I think Im gonna stop right here. Sorry there isnt a new useless fact.
****late addition*****
This is the quote of the day. I don't expect you all to understand. However the significance is greater than any word could describe.
"Well Tiffany has always told me I'm smart. I'm starting to have some faith that I might actually be able to do college. Thanks Tiffany for being there for me. Well I hope everyone is haveing a great day!"
- Micheal Josephson (Tiffany's exboyfriend)
Oh by the way, he writes immaculate poems that by far top mine. As a matter of fact, we both posted poems today...we must be on the same page or something. I think everyone should read his poems.
Micheal's Poem
My Xanga Site
11/03/03: Poem time.
Why should you care how I think,
or how I feel inside?
When you're the one not holding back,
and i'm the one who tries to hide.
Spare my feelings just for me?
How rediculous is that?
You should do things all the time,
just to see how I'll react.
Maybe keep your stories straight,
and tell it like it is.
but for me, the story's different,
to shelter me like a kid.
But I am not a little boy,
who cares if I get hurt?
ITs normal to feel broke inside,
and question your selthworth.
So as these words spell out my thoughts,
I'm not sure that it's all true.
A simple lie to protect myself?
But then again, I learned from you.
br>
11/05/03: All glory be to God.
Life has been crazy, but that arises the question, when is life not crazy? Its one endless swirl of craziness for me. I'm so sick of the lies, I'm so sick of the sugar coating. Whatever happened to being real? Just being straight up with someone? I am just thankful for my Lord, savior, and best friend Jesus Christ. He never lies to me, puts me off, says bad things about me. He will never pretend with me. All my love and glory be to God for the gifts and talents he has blesses with. The only thing that can make me happy. I am giving it all to him. I am so tired of trying to figure things out for my own. The truth is, everyone wants to know how close me and luke is, and who Im still cool with. Shout out to my bro Luke, haven't talked to him or seen him in awhile. Its time to let some things be and just let them play out. When you come to expect the pain and start to get use to it...thats not good nor should it be acceptable. Work is pretty easy now a days...since i cut my finger the last time they moved me to the bakery...even easier than the cheese island. I just need a long nap....or since Lori says naps can't be long...I guess a long sleep. "Too much sinning, got to be more than just plush livin." I wish I could be like tristan, just go to sleep and the worries go away...they haunt me from my first blink in the morning to my last thought at night. We are touching on Social psychology now in class. We have to watch this movie where this lady plays mind games with people based on eye color to show them how whites treat blacks, women, and other ethnic races. The head trips aren't successful unless you convince them that they are truly below you, or that you have to conform to them, or that you are merely children to them. And the lady successfully does it to a group of grown, sophisticated people. I'm tired of this head trip I'm in...I'm tired of feeling dependent. Maybe you always do win....Sincerely Yours.
11/09/03: Sundays have to be the best.
Ahhhh...this weekend played out to be pretty sweet...I suppose. The highlight was church...I always feel really good after church...I feel the happiness inside me come alive. I brush the dust off of it, cherish it for as long as it stays with me...and then it usually just dies of by the next morning...get the stitches out of my hand tommorrow...the feeling in my finger still isn't there..it happens....I feel like my life is sumed up as a regular nintendo game that paused in the middle of a level....and since the game had been played to that point...its like it was too hard to start over...worked too hard...but when you are stuck with the same scenery and no progresss...it just brings more anger and hurt. So I reset my nintendo,sort to speak. I'm tired of this game anyways...I think its time to switch. Maybe a new one. Like some nintendo games weren't meant to be beaten. Like Burger Time...it was an endless game...if you got to the hardest level it just started repeating levels..just changing the number of it...some games you just get so frustrated with that you just give up and get a new one...something different..something that fits your style a little better. I will always have a special place for the old game...but the old game and me don't mix. Its time to pop a new game in and see where it takes me from there. I can't kid myself into being a sheep. I think I am really going to send a bunch of poems to a publisher to see if he will publish me...I think thats what I need to do with my life right now...this is where I say I've had enough...check out my xanga if u get the chance...go to old journals and look for the link. Sincerely Yours.
11/14/03: I am so rediculous.
Answer me this if you can. What in the heck am I doing? What have I let myself be degraded to? What...the heck..no hell is this trial for? These endless trials that follow one right after another all about? So as I sit here alone on a friday night with no one to talk to, maybe its better this way. I don't want someone to comfort me and tell me things will get better. I want someone to tell me how retarded I am for living my life the way I have here of lately. I haven't been this angry in so long....and the messed up part about this, no one cares. NO ONE CARES, because I am Josh, no, I am Ferro, I am not even priveleged enought to have a first name and I am pathetic. I lie to myself and here I have been preaching the last month how I just want people to be real with me. Maybe because I need someone to be because I cant do it myself. This is me being real. This is me letting built up frustration out the only way possible right now. Oh man, there was a guy who mocked me while I was talking to Tiffany tonight and that only sparked this anger and then everything followed. I am so tired of everything. I am so tired, I thought that since I was in college and everyone left, things would be different. But now, I want to leave, I dont want to be here no more. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO BE HERE. I think I should join the military or something, just find a way for someone to get me the heck out of here so I don't have to deal with these rediculous circumstances that I go through day in and day out. No poem could tell how I feel, no crafty saying could spell out my feelings. And I dont think anyone reads this site anymore so at least I can complain to myself and not have anyone read it. Like, I feel like I have been phased out of everyones life anyways....seriously. I have been phased out. There is no purpose. At least last weekend I had Brad to hang with and we had a broken heart in common. Now, he has a new girl, and he is living it up. He didnt waste time like I have chose to do, he went out into the game and he picked up where he left off. I have been out of it for so long and so consistently that sometimes it feels like I will never establish myself. So By God, I've had enough, I am so serious now, how my life is right now isn't cutting it. I'm not waiting around for anyone or anything because I am convinced that there is nothing there and nothing is coming. "There comes a time, in everyones life, when all you can see are the years passing by." There is no victory speech to be given, there is no climbing back up a hill because I've fallen. It's Im still stuck at the beginning and there is no time to catch up with the rest. Everyone has there happiness in life, my is derived from the things that seem only to cause me pain. And what I think is most interesting is that you all will simply disregard this. No one will take me seriously, no one will stop to think of these words, more of how much of a waste of time it was for them to stop and read the desperate pleas of a kid who doesn't know a friend from an enemy, an insult from a compliment, and love from pain. So now, after I completely rambled on with no purpose, I feel a little bit better, but the sad thing is that it will only last till my next phone call, my next college class, my next day at work, or my next time on the internet. Because I will soon be reminded that I am still Ferro, I am still looking for the answer to cure the whole in my heart, and that Im still not going to find it because where I am looking the solution is to never be found. I don't know whats more scary, the fact I realize that or the fact that I will disregard it. Sincerely Broken.
11/29/03: All in all its all we are.
Okie dokie Josh is back, take a seat off your feet and relax. I guess its been awhile since my lil tantrum on here and in the midst of it all I just kinda left everything hanging. Well I'm B E A utiful right now and its not necessarily because life is better. I just forgot how to look upon things. So many negative things surround me I forgot who I was and let there follies become part of my own. Its like how do you ever get rid of the darkness if you refuse to shed light onto the subject? No, but I'm feeling pretty darn good. I bought the new Blink c.d. and dashboard's new c.d...which comes with a dvd that has carrabbas acoustic tour which it rocks socks. I've had "hands down" stuck in my head all day. I sang it hardcore at work and I screamed and was loud and everyone just kinda stared at me. So here's a first, I'm single, without the girl I thought I'd die if I didn't talk to, and I feel fine. Sort to speak, the end of my known world came, and I feel fine. Its like the whole thing I've needed to be happy, the one thing I lacked this entire time. Simplicity. My life is simple and routineful and right now I am so fine with that because it makes me HAPPY. Yeah, I said something aboout me being happy on this site. Wow, I bet you its the first time in at least six entries. Plus I mean it this time.lol. God must be so frustrated with me because I've prayed every night for so long asking for guidance and the answer, the fit for my life right now was the easiest thing to achieve yet somehow I skipped right over it. Well I have it now and I'm happy. Part of the simplicity is I stopped worrying about finding dates or dating. I dated a girl a couple times and I ended it with her. And now, I'm taking the holidays off...not dating till the new year. Because at least then I can enjoy my friends and my friends can hang with me without hearing me complain about the same subject. Luke and I drove to Iowa and back...in one night. It was pretty fun. I feel something crazy coming on...Im thinking a piercing but here of lately I've been entertaining the thought of a tatoo more and more. I know my body is a temple and all but if church's can have stained glass in them then I can paint my temple too. Besides I want a cross with a flag and my name on my back...something small. i d k. Got to see Sabrina this weekend, it was good to see her again, the first time in a while. I want to write a new poem but Im still stuck in broken heart mode. I thought I transitioned out but not completely it seems. I need to write something soon. I have a huge entry planned for around Christmas time. I want to do an end of the year special where I list the greatest moments of 2003 and the most influential girls and guys in my life. I will be giving a lot of shout outs and you will get to see where you ranked in significance in my life this year. Its gonna be harder than hell to rank you all. But I think its a spark my site needs to get back off the ground. Plus we are coming up on almost a year of journal entries...I find that pretty hardcore. Mine's still going, because it serves the purpose it was created for. Well I think this is a little lengthy so Im stopping here. Thanks for taking the time to read my views. Oh if you wanna argue with an A.I. robot. go to www.bored.com and click on oliverbot. The bastard loves to be a smart ass. I figured Kent would have a fun time with the damn thing. Sincerely Yours. Ferro.
Suppress a thought that isn't there,
confront an empty crowd.
You're a walking contradicition,
sometimes sadness makes you proud.
a mellow state of hyperness,
a simple loss of thought.
A happy face that never smiles,
because you just forgot.
Forgot to think of what you had,
before you let loose your grip.
You had me fooled the entire time,
I thought I merely tripped.
But I merely found out what was best,
and you're merely still a ' top.
And as I find my way back up,
I watch for you to drop.
01/01/04: A new year, a new Josh.
As I enter the new year, I do so with a smile on my face, my past behind me, and content with who I am. This page purpose was to help me find out exactly who Josh Ferro was, is, and who he will be. 2003 will forever be in my mind as a year of sadness, joy, and humbling experiences. I would like to share with you now my favorite memories from a year that saw a graduation, a loss of friendship, a broken spirit, and a regained sense of faith.
- The launch of my web page makes 2003 and marks the start of something that I hope to endure.
- Luke and I in the upstairs of a girls house, trapped up there b/c her parents show up unexpected. LOL it almost happened twice.
- Foreign Language Festival: doing the salsa w/ Jenni.
- Luke and I get his car stuck, we had to find out ourselves that an oldsmobile can't go mudding.
- Senior Prom w/ Lori Gillette. Couldn't of had a better date, nor a better friend to take.
- Graduation: I miss so many people, seeing them happy and remembering them that way leaves me some what content.
- countless nights of Abijah, Damone, Luke, and I driving around. Not really accomplishing much...but times that will stick out forever.
- My role as Skylar in the school play. Some of my favorite actors and friends graced me in that play.
- Sabrina: I can still see...
- Party at luke's house..w/o permission.
- Sarah: "The room is spinning"
- "WOMAN"
- Luke's favorite get away soon becomes our summer hang out. Many nights of searching for aliens, running from trucks, and me and tim crossing the creek.
- playing volleyball in the spring nights.
- GCB: I meet a girl who rocked my socks off and left me stunned. Trips to Iowa, starlight, and to plays simply make the summer of 2003 simply one of the best yet. Great new friends, spending time with old ones, and learning a very valuable lesson about life.
- Sabrina's Party and a bonfire.
- Toby Keith in Concert.
- I say goodbye to too many friends. College life for me isn't what I thought it would be.
- crazy nights with Heidi and Stacey.
- B rad...put her through a coffee table.
-I found out how much a book can do for you. I found out that East Side is a great church, and where I want to mold myself into the person God intended me to be.
- Taking Back Sunday and Saves the Day in concert. Simply the best concert i've been to yet.
- I say goodbye to the applemarket, hello Hy-vee.
- Ryan England makes the best damn leprechaun i've ever seen. Ryan and I school some uso's at basketball.
- my new truck.
- soo many new friends.
- ...at least my finger is still there. Andrea cut herself too...so tease her about it.
- Christmas with my family...remembering God. He is so mighty.
As I sit back and count the memories posted above, I know there are so many more that should be up there, but it shows you how feelbe the human mind really is. 2003 was totally incredible now that I have hind sight vision. I had my fair share of trials, but they have passed. I feel that I grew stronger over this year and learned so many new things. What was so darn bad at the time seems o so insignificant now, and creates a smile as the fond thoughts are revisited. For the people who stuck out in my life in the year 2003, there are so many I owe thank you's to. You all have been great, and I think you all know who you are. From those who have been there for awhile to those who are just now entering my life, I appreciate you all and I ask God every night to bless your lives. Its way to hard to weigh you all out and rank you. All play such a different and yet pivital role in my life. I hope that you all will join me in making another wonderful year with more great memories. I hope this finds you well and I pray that God has blessed your life this past year. Rock the world's socks off guys. Josh.
02/02/04: Much to learn, I still have
So I have a million things running through my head, from Jake Delhomme hulking up and almost beating the patriots, to Justin almost having Janet naked by the end of his song. But what has stuck out on my mind here of recently...here the most...is how selfish I really am. But first, in order to completely explain myself I have to reitterate something that has been said a thousand times about me. As last summer unfolded in front of me, I saw a lot of things I didn't like, and I have more than accepted that, that is indeed life, and I can live with that. However, it has made me alot more conscious about things whether I want to be or not. For instance, this summer, when the girl I so desperetly liked started to hang with her exboyfriend/best friend...and at first, it was mild...then it felt like I was competing ....and he completely beat me...all of a sudden...Im not in the picture and I lost a part of me because of that...and its hard, its hard to not worry about stuff like that anymore...I trust Andrea with all my heart,and she wouldn't hurt me,and even though I know that it is still hard not to feel something when she goes to hang out with her best friend (who happens to be her exboyfriend.) I feel selfish for that...for being over pertective of myself...if I want any kind of life I have to live and love like I have never been hurt. And the worst part, is that Andrea can read me like a book. She knows me, inside and out...she knows what i'm feeling without me saying it, she has figured me out...the one thing I try to do to girls she has so easily done to me. So now its time for me to start being my best because thats what andrea deserves. She is so great and so good...i'm glad something finally went my way : ) I hope this finds you all well. Rock socks loyal readers.
02/25/04: So much hatred out there.
Okay before I even start, I want to give the respect that is well due to the Missouri Tigers for winning in double over time against number 7 ranked OSU. It was one of the greatest basketball games I have ever watched...It was immaculate...too bad for those Jayhawk fans...What has really been brought to my attention this week is how much hate that is felt between everyone. And I will be the first to admit that I am just as guilty. But the good Lord commands us that we must not hate, and we must get along, and I love him more than I love sin. (Ephesians 4:31) Its like it has come to the point that it is never long before I feud starts up. Another thing I struggle with, that I need to work on is being conceited, being so sure of myself.(Galatians 6:3) For I am truly nothing without the blessings of my Lord and Saviour. By the grace of God all things are possible, without it, I am forever doomed. So I find myself without to write about. Today, being ash wednesday starts me and andrea's sacrifice for fourty days...its gonna be a long fourty days. Well kiddos, I feel my heart leading me away from my site for right now cause I think i need to focus on my readings. I hope this finds you all well and that the next time around I have a completely updated site worth your time to read. Adios ( the actual translation for adios is not goodbye, but go with God._
03/01/04: Sometimes I just have to write.
Sometimes in life I just have this incredible urge to write, and most of the times I receive these urges I really don't know what I want to say, but I feel my heart pulling me towards this site where I feel safe. Where I feel I can say anything...but half the time I don't. Perhaps seclusion has been a blessing to me at times. I don't know its crazy. Sometimes I still feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I still feel alone even though I know I am not. I could ask for not a better person in my life but Andrea. Sometimes, I don't think I deserve her. Something so perfect. Something that will be so great in life. I am thankful and I give credit to God. And perhaps I lose readers to the fact that I praise God on a frequent basis now but thats something Im willing to risk. Better to lose readers than my eternal soul. I give credit where credit is due. I don't know, this feeling of being lost is so paralyzing, I think spring break in North Carolina is just what I need. Why I am so lost is my own fault, my own stupid decisions, my own sins. I guess im feeling better...I mean I haven't accomplished much...just enough to tell me that I need to be better person in life. I want to be a prime example...God gets such a bad rep from those who claim to be followers and do wrong. I don't want to be responsible for that. You know, I can't stay mad at someone very long. My father was in out of my life since I can remember, he never was a stable factor, and when alcohol is added into the equation there is no such thing as stable. I'm so glad he realizes now what that stuff really can do to your life, I mean he's paying for mistakes he made years ago still because of it...I mean being on your fifth marriage isn't something to be proud of. And now that its more of my choice to see him and not his I think Im doing the same thing to him. Popping in and out. I don't mean to...but there are somethings he taught me well to do. I love that man to death...all five feet of him...lol. I can only hope that I am a good father, if God blesses me enough to have children. Well its time for me to say goodnight. Goodnight. i hope this finds you well...I love you guys. Josh
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03/22/04: Back in th swing of things
North Carolina, North Carolina was just what I needed. It was relaxing, it was soothing, and most importantly, it was just something I needed to do on my own. Although I did miss Andrea. I saw the beach, I saw a lot of pine trees...lol. My first day back to work was today, and although I thought it might feel like i've been gone, it really hadn't...more like I just had a long weekend away from there. I found my George Caleb Bingham disk that has all my work saved on it from last summer...I am tempted to read through it all...and then again I am afraid to. How can something you wanted to go away for the longest time become such a great memory...the human mind can distort and taint many perspectives...when I think Bingham now, all I think of is all the crazy times I had with the people I may never see again. Perhaps its my own psychological defense mechanism. It's amazing how the same song you have heard forever can be done acoustically and take on another shape completely...Sometimes mere thoughts flicker in and out, and although I'm not quite sure of their significance, they always catch my attention. Only appearing in sudden feelings of deja vu. Face down in my pillow, I use to lay there forever...I would much more prefer to at least dream of your face than come to the realization that you no longer existed within my own life. You completely removed yourself with not even so much as a proper goodbye. However, I believe you served your purpose and now, now I am at a part of my life I have dreamed of since I was capable of. Completely content with the one who I have finally found that is a complete match....I haven't heard from Jessica nor Lori in forever. It's beginning to get warm once again and who am I gonna ball with besides cash money? I am seriously missing playing some ball. God has been more than gracious over the past couple of months, and to a kid like me. A kid, who really doesn't deserve it. I hope this finds you well. We walk by faith, not by sight.
Just because you don't see something, doesn't mean that its not there.
04/12/04: It's been awhile
Whats right and whats wrong have always been explained to us so simply, and yet the act of doing such has only been conquored by one man...who also was God...who also himself has never been conquored...interesting...So it has definetely been awhile since the last time I posted...most of you who were loyal readers a year ago when I first started this page probably forgot about me and the page all together...however the significance of this page was never to draw a big audience...rather the right audience. Brad and I's acoustic band records this week...we are putting out a demo with three tracks. I am really anxious to get it done so we can make our portfolio and send it away to clubs and what not to play live...thats all I really want to do. I don't want to be a hardcore star...I just want to know what its like to play in front of a live audience...even if its only like fifteen people...hopefully more. Andrea rocks my socks. There isn't enough time nor space to completely explain how wonderful of a girlfriend she is. God is so awesome, he blessed me with the girl I needed most in a time when my need was consuming my life. I went to the home opener for the Royals...hands down it was the best game I've ever seen. End of spring semester is coming and I am so ready for it...only to take summer classes...lol...eh it happens. Work says that I have to cut my hair...it's not that long...Sometimes its hard to believe that its already been a year out of the W.C., I only miss a couple of people but its hard to go without hearing Mr. Hoppe's horrible jokes. Ms. Taryn Wolfe was in town this past week and I had the privelage of taking her to lunch at Macaroni Grill...first time that I have ate there...it was decent. Taryn told me about her extravagent life in NYC that sounds like it completely rocks...living her dream and will be making good money at it pretty soon...it rocks...and sometimes I think it would be great to get paid to play a sport or sing or write poetry...but God's will be done, not mine...I am happy with what he has blessed me with..a hardcore girlfriend, a place to stay, food...and a great life...matter of fact...everything on the face of the earth and the universe I should thank him for. and now... a picture of me and Autum...
I asked my mommie to develope mine but she hasn't had time yet...Well I hope everyone out there is doing great. I hope that God blesses you all and I love you.
05/04/2004: Who doesn't have a xanga?
You know, as I grow older, I really don't care whats considered trendy and what isn't....and yet at the same time xanga, the place that I went to in order to be surrounded by people who liked to express themselves on the internet has turned into the trendiest thing ever. I mean its great for those who are doing it...Im just not so sure that its for me. I mean I won't give it up mainly becuase I enjoy the satisfaction of all the comments on that page as well as the accessability to other people's pages. I also am glad thought that I have my original site as a fall back plan. I do know that this is a rather bland site and yet at the same time I'm still proud of it because I did all the programming myself. I didn't use a fill-in-the-blank template...I figured out the language enough to do some stupid tricks and I went to work....okay...life has been awesome. God is all around me..well he's all around everybody but I am just now starting to notice it with my heart. Most of religion for a lot of people is just head knowledge bu they don't take the time to take it to heart. I am ready for school to be out. I am ready for a break...and at the same time I am ready to start a part of my life that has never really been that great. My servant and giving life. We are suppose to give to others and to serve others and yet at the same time I lack so much in that department. I think this summer is a prime opportunity for me to turn that around.
The music just takes me over sometimes...pouring through my ears and into my mind completely erasing all the current thoughts. It feels me with a calmness that I lack most of the day and I yurn for. Suddenly I can breathe again and life seems to be a little easier on the mind. As I stop to realize what has just happened my mind can just concentrate on the beautiful lyrics and notes that hypnotically feed my soul. As if I had been deprived of such sound before, I play the selected music back over and over again....longing to feel such calmness once again. That's what a good song can do for me...especially when it has to do with God.
It's been awhile since the last post from someone other than my girlfriend....I wonder if it's better off this way. I mean, the purpose of this site was never for the comments...it was for me to shyly speak to a girl who ended up completely ignoring me...lol..how funny it is that the intentions for a certain thing can fill a purpose that wasn't close to the original one. There is this immaculate band called "casting crowns" that I am really into right now. I have started to write to myself on a constant basis...more like leaving notes for myself to read in the future...I get alot of joy out of reading my old writings just because after awhile you forget that you wrote it and its like someone else wrote it. Perhaps we change so much as people that after a certain time period the person who wrote it truly does not exist in the person reading it. It's been awhile since I have been this wrapped up in an angelfire writing...its like after awhile it felt like a chore rather than what it is...theraputic...fun...and interesting. Regardless of who or who doesn't read this...it helps me out so much still. Even though life has gotten so much better over the months...I still need this page to express myself. But I do appreciate those who do read this. Another Band that rocks my socks is "dogwood." Oh man do they rock.
I believe what brought along my stability is of course God, and the person he works through the most in my life, Andrea. She is so amazing, she is truly a great friend, and more importantly, a great girlfriend. I think Damien said it best the other night at work when he said "You're a nice guy,..so how did you end up with her...I mean nice guys finish last." And I totally agree...for the longest time I finished last...but finally I stepped up to the plate and God let me know it was my turn to get a hit. A grand slam, for a matter of fact. Well, words are running short now, and my thoughts are lost in sleep. My thoughts are no longer entertaining, nor are they deep. So I love you all, and I love my God, he has blessed my all, for when I needed him the most, he came and heard my call. Sincerely His. Joshua
06/16/04: "I think God has done me many-a-favors by just ignoring some of my prayers. I know he is the one who has said ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened...etc. but maybe somethings weren't suppose to happen at all." - Josh Ferro (last year's entry in June)
It's been a year; it's really hard to believe, but it has. A year since God made it appoint to begin what essentially would turn into the most intricate summer of my life. So many lessons I would learn; so long I would take for them to finally sink in. In retrospect, that summer was the most important summer that I have lived through so far. It destroyed what little foundation I thought I had; or maybe it merely destroyed what dellusions I had of one; and created one I would have never of guessed. It took my life in a completely different direction, a direction that only God could understand at the time. I, myself, was clueless, miserable, and distraught because of it; and yet, all was completely necessary in order to begin to rejuvanate a life that was dead by sin, and hallow with pride. In all truth, I had such a good time that summer. This time last year, I walked into a classroom full of girls, and girls that showed interest in who I was. I felt like I was invinsible, on top of the world, untouchable. I felt that since I graduated, I was wise beyond my age and that my train of thought was not only immaculate, but so hard for others to grasp due to its complex nature. I wrote my poems, which I still find to be great, but lies. I wasn't looking for love, I was looking for lust, and for that matter, a different way to lie to myself in order for me not to feel bad. Life was shiny and purposeful then, now all I see is a dull, let down of a life. Even now when I close my eyes, and I think back to that part of the summer, I am overwhelmed with good feelings; it was the feelings that followed the next month that was equivalent to an uppercut to the jaw by mike tyson. No doubt, I was living a life that was pleasing to me, matter of fact, it was always about me. God was setting my life up perfectly to find him eventually; but the main key, the one blow that drove the nail home was her. Damaging to touch, and deadly to kiss, she was all I thought i was looking for. She too, seemed wise for her age and had a brilliant glow about her; and like a kid with a.d.d. she was the shiny thing that always lured my attention away from the main focus. I remember, I tried to act soo cool around her, like I do in front of every girl I had interest in...mainly by acting laid back and as if nothing in the world could bother me. I was such an idiot. An idiot that followed his path of destruction right to the crash site...
To
Be
Continued
09/16/04: I'm back.
So just when you think I fell off the face of the earth I come back out of the blue with some information for you that is just wicked sick. First off, I want to say hello to everyone. All that our out there that I can still call my readers...if there are any. So the last three months have been great...one might say that they are more than enough. I'm still rockin' it gangsta style with B-rad, a.k.a. b-money, and Andrea is still just as brilliant as before. She is the earthly motivation that I need on a regular basis and is my anchor when everything is about to slip away. I'm back in school now, and I am ready for Christmas break. Classes are aiight. Tuesday was my birthday and I am now 20 years old. It's wierd being out of my teens....Things have stayed consistent in a means by always changing. My friends have been having some rough times. I haven't done a good enough job keeping in touch with a lot of good friends. I still love all of them. I would do anything I could for my friends...and yet sometimes I think we all take advantange of our friends. How hard is it to tell them how much you appreciate them? There is certaintly not enough love going around now-a-days. We all need encouragement, so why are we mean to each other. We all need each other to pick each other up when we fall and if you honesty don't believe that to be true, perhaps you need to humble yourself. I get humbled on a regular basis and I need it that much. God is still number one in my life and always be. He is such a perfect role model on not being fickle. He is always the same, and always will be. His love endures for ever.
Ths marks the second year highschool has gone on without me and I'm still getting use to the idea. I miss alot of the people I use to see on a regular basis. Some of the closest of friends I havent talked to in what seems like months.
I didn't finish the story I was gonna continue because of the time seperation that was between then and now. If you really want me too...I can. Just post a message and let me know. I want to say so much, I want to respark this website, I want to use it as a tool to keep in touch with everyone...perhaps intergrate it into everyone's webpage to keep in touch. I am thankful for the ones who still view this and I love everyone. I think for old times sake I will leave off with a poem.
11-27-04: I pretty much just want to scream right now.
So here I am back to the site that launched this downward spiral that I call an internet life. I feel so much emotion when I look at Xanga now. The site that started so that I could stay in touch with the girl who launched me into a new level of my life has become the place that I absolutely...feel soo many different emotions about. Alot of xanga's have been dying here of lately and at first I never understood why yet now I feel I have a better concept and grasp of what really goes on. Xanga's become like humans and grow up...with the birth of your xanga you grow bigger and bigger until you reach a climax...which is different for all xangas and then after your climax its all down hill from there. I think my xanga is too old for the game now. I might put it too sleep and rediscover my roots once again. I miss this site. This site, that no one reads, that its passed by on several occasions. I have so many things that I want to say burried deep down inside of me but I can't. Xanga hasn't served me in that type of manner in so long its unreal and it's gotten to the point where I think I might just explode. I enjoyed break, and now I am ready for another. I don't want to go back to school...school is over rated. I miss my friends. There are so many friends that I have lost here of lately, well I have lost since highschool...some may because of my fault and some may be not my fault but I definetely know that it feels like I have lost alot of friends because of my decision to follow God on a more personal basis. The decision to actually have a relationship with Jesus Christ and all though I screw up alot continue to pick my sorry self off the ground and to march forward regardless of what I may face. Because of that decision I have lost a lot of friends and it blows. And you know whats even crazier? The person I figured who would run the farthest away from me because of it is still by my side as a friend. Luke has been there when everyone else has abandoned ship. I remember over countless conversations that people would question why I would associate myself with such a man...when Jesus was around, all the pharisees asked the same question. But Luke has been there and continues to mature into a better friend on a regular basis why all the fakes continue to fade. Perhaps I'm being harsh, and perhaps its all my fault. But this is me venting the only way I know how. I am twenty years old and I feel like...I am being selfish. This whole post is selfish. It's about me complaining cause I chose one life and now that I am here I am wanting treasures on earth rather than Heaven. I think that I am just hurt. I am hurt because I am no longer apart of so many people's lives that for so long were apart of mine and where they once was I feel the void and lonliness of that gaping hole. Yet there is not just one gaping hole, but several. I love all my old friends and yet I get labled as a jerk or I get labled as a sell out. I try to do things for people to help them out and all of a sudden i'm the enemy. The old me wants to start back up the "I am" anthem yet the new me wants to show unconditonal love and wait out this stupid thing in life we call pride. If no one reads this, and it goes unnoticed forever...I think I will be more content than if a billion people read this. This is me being real. This is me grasping my hurt that I have opressed for so long and finally just releasing it. Words don't mean much in this world any more, and yet neither do I. I fall back on what I do have; a God that will always accept me and a girlfriend who will always love me. I am content with that. I was merely just trying to open up so many conversations that have died out so long ago. Josh.
1/10/05: Modern Disciple of Christ
Ladies and Gentlemen, it feels soo good to be back. Colorado was brilliant. It couldn't have been any better and it was a great gift from God. Also, I found out that I only have to take two classes this semester, which rocks my socks off. In Colorado, I went skiing with the college group, some kids from Cali, and christian recording artist Chris Rice. It was awesome. Even got Luke to go along with me. I have so many expectations for this year and I am confident that it will prove true and just build off of last year. I am ready for alot of new things in my life. One would be a new job, but that is a want and not a need. As this year begins, I have one goal. I would like to start production of a book. It will be based on a story from my life but rather I incorporate it to include me in the book still remains to be seen. I also want to pick up on writing songs and poems again. I found that writing takes an amount of inspiration and my inspiration ran dry along time ago when my eyes of sorrow went to forgotten sorrow. What's more exciting about this year is how unpredicitable it is. Where I will end up come December of next year and what paths have been woven are totally unseen right now. I am coming up very shortly on being with Andrea one year, which is by far my longest relationship. that rocks socks. So overall, I miss a lot of friends still. I hope all is doing well and have found an abundant life. Josue.
The wind that's felt upon my neck,
the darkness of the night;
The stars that shine oh so high,
provide the only light.
Thoughts that form within my mind,
sadness soon appears;
Thoughts of all the friends I've had,
and lost through out the years.
Once we all got along,
once we stopped and thought;
of the consequence that would come,
from the hatred that was brought.
But since we have all "grown up."
and have our lifes to live;
we tend to say some hateful things,
tend still to act like kids.
1/30/05: Wow, one down, eleven to go.
Wow the irony of it all. I have lost my love for this site and have sold it all to xanga. Now, xanga is down and the thing that has been there for me all along is still up and operational. Not only is it operational, but I believe this month to be the second year anniversary of my simple little site. Isn't that rad? Hopefully I can refuel and bring this thing back to life. Speaking of life, life has been more than excellent. I will be changing from from frozen at Hy-vee to pharm. tech. which is really awesome, seeing how I will be working nights again and have time for church and to go to school with all the rest of the kids during the day. Also, I have been asked to pray about interning at the church this summer! That totally rocks my socks because I have had a curiosity about the ministry and if its right for me....actually more than a curiousity, but. I don't know, what made this site so great for everyone to read is gone now. All the sadness has dried up, nor is it glorified any more, nor do I blow it out of porportion like the "emoness" of me use to do. I have found a peace that is...great...Im not use to it but it is great. Right now for African American Lit. class I am reading a lot of rad narritives that totally rock my socks. After experiencing college, even at the community level my eyes have been opened up to soo much rad literature that I believe should be taught in highschool at the junior and senior level. I would much prefer to read Equiano than most of the insignificant stuff we read in C.P.E...well I guess it wasn't insignificant but it wasn't as rad as this stuff. Well it is not too long of a post but I have been working on adding more graphics and stuff to spice up the place a lil. I hope all is going well for everyone...if anyone reads this. Josue.
Well since age 12, I've practically been someone else
because I crucified myself with Jesus Christ's help.
Got school on how bad that I have been sinnin'
and dedicated my life to a whole new beginnin'
A lil rap for the folks.
07/08/05: I missed a couple months.
Wow so much to say, and yet not too much time to say it in. Well, I graduated from The community college ranks this past spring and I am headed off towards UMKC for the next two years for a B.A. in Spanish. Right now I am interning for Noland Road Baptist Church and it is turning out to be one of the most solid summers of my life. I am having a blast hanging with the other interns and with the kids. My mother had a heart attack two weeks ago and it was hard for me, but God has blessed me to have her still here today and doing better. Andrea and I are still doing amazing and I count that blessing every day. It has almost been two years since that faithful summer that sent me into my sprial that lead me to God. A summer full of memories and very special people. I can't be more happier now how it all played out...regardless of how wierd that sounds now or how rediculous it would have sounded then. Yet, as I look at this year, this summer, I believe that this will be just as special as well...it won't hold the same feeling of course yet it will be up there. I'm sure no one still reads this sillie sight, yet I haven't given up on it yet. This year, summer, is flying bye and I'm trying to grasp every minute of it. I miss a lot of things that this website reminds me of. The people that use to be associated with it, those who read it all the time, those who would check out a friend's thoughts. Yet we have gotten older and things are now changed. Change is necessary though, necessary for all. I pray that all is well with you guys. Much Love. Josue.
09/08/2005: God is faithful.
Wow, here it has been another significant amount of time since I last wrote and those who still view this page has more than dwindled away. That's okay, I will continue to write. School has been the main thing on my mind this past month. First it was just getting in and now its making sure that everything is taken care of. I am also looking for a job on top of that. Now here's the thing. I know that God will be faithful and provide me with an opportunity as long I continue to send out applications like none other. I know that he has that one job that will be mine and this is only a trial of my faith. Well I believe I should be faithful and that's why I am boasting in the Lord right now. Yes, still jobless, I boast in the Lord for what He WILL do. You see, I have a problem with my faith. It seems that the only time I can proclaim God as faithful is when he has already provided for me. Well I am going to procclaim him faithful now full knowing that it will come. Isn't that what true faith is? Then it comes to this...am I then only procclaiming him faithful when I NEED something? We serve one purpose on this earth and that is to glorify the Lord. Now I know one way or another the Lord will be glorified, for the Word declares that we serve a God that can never be frustrated. Yet at the same time we still have a choice how we will glorify him. It's best to look at this in a Micro, Macro way. In the small picture if i choose to follow God and out of the fullness of my heart pours out the joy that he provides and I praise him then that's glory for the Lord. In the big picture if I only praise the Lord when I NEED something and not every day well then in the bigger picture it says the Lord is quick to humble the proud. The word says that God makes the simplest things seem wise and foolish the intellegent. You see whether I follow God's plan for me or not he will receive his Glory....and I think that's pretty cool. Well I hope all is well. I have the prayer request of then the job the Lord Will provide for me. For the word says if you have prayed to the Lord in petition and meekness consider it already done. It also says in the book of matthew But first seek his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Well I hope all is well for everyone. If you have the time...drop me a comnent. I love you guys. Josue.
