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Three days ago today, 9 months ago that day, i met the man i love more than anything in the world, i met the man i am willing to do anything for, and the man i hurt more than anyone i ever wanted to hurt. I never really realized, just how much i really wanted to grow old with him, how much i wanted to be with him, how much i want to be with him for the rest of my life, until just a couple weeks ago, when everything happend, and we almost broke up. When my "friends" both betrayed me and helped me, when he told me things that hurt more than any torture could, when i realized the honest truth about myself, when i realized i hated who i was. Now im trying, striving, praying to be diffrent, trying to salvage my relationship with this man, trying to make him happy, trying to gain trust, trying to make our relationship stronger than it ever was. But no matter what i do, something gets in the way sooner or later, someone says something, whether it be a lie or be the truth, someone makes some snide comment, whether it be me or him, something has to remind me, or ruin a perfectly good day for me, because of my ignorance and my stupidity. Well now im going to have to do the hardest thing in the entire world, bring my life, my fantasy, my world, to a life altering halt. Im going to break up with him. Why? because like i said, i'd do anything to make him happy, and for some reason, no matter how hard i try or want to try, it doesn't happen, a day later, a week later, a month later, something comes up, and i get blamed or yelled at, and it cant make him happy. the last lie that was told, was the straw that broke the camels back. Im tiered of him hating me for who i was and loving me for what we had and whats going on now, im tiered of being a little slut in his eyes, and maybe he'd be better off with out me, maybe then, he wouldn't have to deal with the lies, and the truth, he wouldn't have to deal with the stress of worrying about if im cheating or not, or if im getting drunk or not, or what im doing, he wouldn't have to worry or care at all, he would be free to go out and skate, and have fun, and maybe eventually love again, get past me and live his life to the fullest, without me dragging him down with my immaturity and irrisponsibility. He deserves so much better than me and all i want for him is the best, i dont want to be his ball and chain anymore. I want to make him happy, and I figure, this just might be the best way to do it. So for those of you who knew me, and for those of you who dont, say goodbye to me, and who i was, cuz i'll never be the same girl again. its time for me to grow up, and its time for me work through my issues. and maybe one day if im lucky, we'll meet again, and i'll be the person i want to be, better, responsibal, mature, grown, smart, beautiful, and everything he wants me to be.
Happily ever after, Thats how they want you to think it will be but its not not at all in reality the deaths, the tears, the fears, the falls through it all we still go on the broken hearts the cheating gfriends so much pain that never ends the fake smiles that seem to make everything ok but no for you, because you know the pain wont go away bright and cheery, but oh so weary because inside your heart is breaking in two.
if i leave here tommorow would u still feel the same would u hear me at night when i whisper your name would u remember me each day and know that our love was so true would u remember our time together when i was holding you would you break down and cry a river of endless tears would u be able to feel me if ever i was near would u understand my feelings could u deal with the pain our would u go crazy and try to take all the blame would u know that i still love you through all the pain and the sorrow i caused you would you still be in love me me if i left here tommorow?
i sit in the park, where i wait to dwell for this guy i love so well he took my heart away from me and now he wants to set me free i see a girl on his lap he says things to her he never said to me i ran home to cry on my bed not a word to mother was said father came home late that night he looked at me from left to right he saw me hanging by a rope he took his knife to cut me down and on my dress a note was found Dig my grave Dig it deep Dig my grave From head to feet and on the tope place a dove and remember this, i died for love...
minutes after the big fight i realized it wasn't right i heard the yelling in my head but all i saw was a sea of red then that night i laid awake in bed and reviewed all the things i did then the intense red calmed to blue and i knew the things i had to do i shouldn't have done the things i did i was just being a stupid kid im glad that you understood because i didn't think you would either way i shouldn't have done that to you now the blue faded to white and i smiled knowing everything would be alright
i cant describe this love i have for you its the only thing i know thats true and when the sun goes away u brighten up the rest of my day i cant describe the way i feel my heart tells me this love is real you know that when all my days and nights are through i will still be loving you.
*"Im not supposed 2 love you, im not supposed 2 care. im not supposed 2 dream @ night, wishing u were there. im not supposed 2 wonder where u r or what u do, im sorry i cant help myself, im falling in love w/ u"
Immature love says: i love u, cause i need u. Mature love says: i NEED u, cause i LOVE u.
You're NOT friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'M man enough to admit it
Nothing is more painful than realizing he meant the world to him and you meant nothing to him
"the course of love never did run smoothly, but either it was different in blood or else misgraft in respect of years"
Frustrated cuz i cant tell if itz real; mad cuz i dunno how u feel. sad cuz i need u day & night; angry cuz u wont take my hand; aggrivated cuz u dont undastand. disappointed cuz we cant b 2getha; but still u'll b n my heart 4 eva
he broke ure heart, he shattered it like glass...when he comes crawling back say honey kiss my ass
well thats all..for now..until MIKE gets online..helllp me.!!!!! im melting..like the witch i am. ;)
"How can I prepare myself for a fulfilling life?" I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are people who have some parts like me but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it. I own everything about me- my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be -- anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all the words that come out of it -- polite, sweet and rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud and soft; all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, and all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately aquainted with me. By doing so, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests. I know that there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me and therefore I can engineer me. I am me and I am okay.
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| Date | stuff |
|---|---|
| 2/09/03 | First time w/ this whole..log thingy..i gotta get used to it. lol. thanks mike. |
| 2/10/03 | sad day its been...coulda been my happiest and instead ...as usual i end up w/ tears streaming down my face. i cant stand how i live my life..i dont understand how..i ..can..be such an asshole to people..but then..you dont understand jackshit about what im talking about. peace. |
| 2/13/03 | Hey...cool shit. lol. one day left till valentines. :) happy allie. Mike finally helped me out w/ that music shit. hopefully its playing. im eatin skittles cuz they are cool. i like penguins. im sorry i dont make much sense but happy allie. :) very happy.g2g. peace.love. :) happy valentines day |
| 2/14/03 | VALENTINES DAY. :) |
| 2/17/03 | today has been great. lol. i gots to get new animations. talked to me bestest friend...charlotte...i luuuuvs her..:) hehe..we got lots of plans for the future her and i! lol the world had better watch out. uhh..good byes. Peace |
| 2/25/03 | hey yeah cool. not much time to talk. bored. lol. just got finished w/ a super hard science project and now im taking a break and im about to go home..then to a basketball game...hmm... james is coming. im not the basketball type i dont think. lol. yeah well. write more later. hugs. peace.:) |
| 2/28/03 | i just hit james w/ a chair, hahahah, funni. lol. well..hmmm i dont know why im writing but im bored, at babysitting, so i figured. lots and lots of boring stuff. james spent the night the whoooolle weeks. lol. im such a loser. well. im gonna go find little animations to put in so. yeah. peace. |
| 3/5/03 | well..someones missing. my grandma actually. i dont know what to think, except i want her here, she shouldnt be missing. i dont know, maybe im strange. but. if anything happend i dont know what i'do but..im gonna go. buh byes. love. allie |
| 3/15/03 | haha i was supposed to have Saturday school today, but u know..i dont, so im like boo on them :) |
| 3/16/03 | daddy's birthday, 3 months till mine, went out for dinner, had fun, saw Daredevil, KIMS BACK!!! talked to my ex, cried for the first time in WEEKS!!!school tommorow :( |
| 3/17/03 | St.Patrics Day, Joy, and i have ISR. boo. James and i aren't doing so well, hopefully things will get better. talking about it might help, problem is how do i put things into words? I dont know. I've got ISR tommorow too. maybe i'll talk to him tommorow. maybe i can talk to him tonight |
| 4/19/03 | hahaha. everything is so wonderful. dont ask why. i wont tell you. its the last Saturday before spring break is over..booooo....Sunday. Easter. 420. no plans..im going to sleep. well...peace. expecting important peoples soon. buh byes. luv...someone |
this is dedicated to
- The Man I Love
u ShOuLd ChEcK tHeSe OuT