VARSITY BLUES

(or “What the Fuck is This World Coming To?”)

 

First of all, I know this movie came out several years ago, but I didn’t have a webpage back then so fuck off if you have a complaint about me complaining about an old movie.

 

I never thought I’d see the day when a movie like this would be made….a movie about a bunch of jocks bitching and moaning and yes even CRYING about…what? ABOUT FUCKING BEING JOCKS!!!

 

Oh, wah, wah…we’re popular. Wah, wah…we get to bang the hottest chicks in school. Wah, wah… teachers have much lower expectations for us and that’s why we can still pass our classes even though we’re just Neanderthal muscleheads.

 

Fuck this movie in the ear! Shame on James Van der Beek for saying, “Yes I want to star in this movie and bring the first whiny bitch jock to the silver screen.” And Reggie Ray…what the fuck? Let me use a quote from a Kevin Smith movie to sum up all there is to be said about Reggie: “There’s nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep.”

 

And, of course, the most offensive part of the movie is Ali Larter. Any guys reading this who know what she looks like is thinking I’m gay after a statement like that. Let me clarify though, because BELIEVE ME my problem is NOT with her looks.

 

“Hi, I’m Ali Larter. I’m very pretty and I look absolutely delicious in the whipped cream bikini but I play a total skank who fucks anyone who happens to be the first string quarterback. Watch as my loyalty changes from Paul Walker to James Van der Beek faster than you can say, ‘Drop trou, bitch!’”

 

This is such a sad thing to have to accept: the realization that we live in a world where popular jocks with their easy A’s and hot chicks think THEY have it tough. Try being ugly and out of shape, assholes!

 

Oh, wait…you’ll have plenty of time for that after high school when your sports skills get you nowhere.