36 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says,
Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he
roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. MacGuyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips,
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until
he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck
giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people
who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck,
and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris'
Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it
back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked
Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The
only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the
syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass--at
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant--he just refuses to put
up with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up,
he's pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
33. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
34. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of
35. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
36. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like