Topic: Discuss what you can positively contribute to this school and why you want to pursue an MBA.

Original Paragraph: I want to get into the school so I can pursue my career in the NBA. I can contribute a lot of stuff, like old towels and stuff for practice.

Comment: Although admissions essay questions may sound very general, you should have a very specific answer. You want your essay to be succinct, yet informative. The text of this essay is very well written, but it does not give the reader a sense of what is unique and desirable about this student. Saying that you "can contribute old towels and stuff" or "want to pursue my career" is vague, and doesn't distinguish you from anyone else who is applying. O, by the way, it's an MBA, not the NBA.

Revised Paragraph: I've spent several years managing challenging translation projects and working with linguists and customers from all over the world. At this point in my career, I feel compelled to reflect on the dynamic experiences I have had, and learn from them in an academic setting. I envision management school as a forum to examine all aspects of business, as well as a chance to build networks of colleagues with complementary interests. In planning my professional goals beyond business school, I have united my love of entrepreneurship, my previous experience with the translation industry, and my belief in the projected growth of world markets. I plan to start a product localization consulting firm that will not only provide translations of marketing materials, training manuals, and product inserts and labeling, but also counseling on the globalization of a company's products and documentation, taking into consideration the cultures of the target countries. My success in realizing this vision depends upon having the opportunity to develop greater managerial skill and to be in an intellectually rich environment with others who are passionate about business.

Result: A polished piece that grabs the interest of the application committee and makes them want to read more about how this applicant can contribute to the school and his goals for the future.

"Wow, thanks LGP. I couldn't have done it without you. Now I'm sure to get an MBA."