Thoughts from the Seamouse
8/06/03 Wednesday
Do you ever look up and realize that you've stopped? Waiting though you didn't realize it? It's a moment where a part of you thought, "This is it. I've been waiting my whole life to become the real me and to know what it really means to 'just be myself' around others, and to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to know who I am and what I want, and I feel it about to happen. Any second now..." But it doesn't happen, and a few seconds later, you realize you've been holding your breath and staring into space. Maybe somebody has been talking to you. Maybe the phone has been ringing. Maybe you've read the same paragraph twenty times without absorbing a word, caught in this unexpected little reverie.
And now you're back in reality, and you're still not you. You still have to twist just so to fit right in your outline, you still have to filter your thoughts to make sure that the words that come out would be in character to the person you've erected in the window of your face for other people to shake hands with until the real you is ready to stand there.
But for now she's still floating, patchy and half-formed in that tank of precognitive goo where every idea you've ever almost had sits waiting for your powers of introspection and understanding to get with the program and arrive where they've been waiting for you all along.
Maybe you can even see the tank. Your feet stick to the floor near the controls in that dreamlike quagmire where every step is an odyssey of will and effort, stymied in the muffling influence of your own doubt; "I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, not smooth enough, I'm too enthusiastic, I'm too impulsive, I say the wrong things, I laugh too loud, I haven't thought enough about this, my feelings/sensations/reactions/emotions/ideas aren't valid yet because their source is still not developed, but it will be someday, someday, someday..."
But when? How many more incarnations before this reticent part of you snaps to and says "Now. Now. I am formed. Here are all the faces, all the factors, all the memories, and I see them clearly, and face the world as the sum of these parts, and it is enough." When?
7/14/03 Monday
You know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to impress those who have impressed me. I'm tired of filtering myself. I'm tired of shadow-puppeting behind the screen of what I think those around me want and expect me to be. I'm tired of striving to perfect a mask that nobody would appreciate, anyway. It's always a defense. If they reject the mask, then bummer, but at least it was the mask that got rejected and not me, right? But then I'll never know if my real face could ever find acceptance. Look at me. This is me. I'm tired of hiding. I'll have the energy again for it tomorrow. Today, I'm tired.
12/31-02 Tuesday
Again, we face the ending of another year. What suffering has been alleviated? What goodness has been shared? What have I done to shine a moment of happiness into the life of another? I pray it is more than I think. Lessons were learned, regret has come and gone. That the New Year be fraught with challenge and obstacles, and that in the face of opposition I may grow and shine, I am hopeful.
12-24-2002 Tuesday
I've been meeting a lot of great people lately. I mean really great people. Smart, interesting, decent people. I can't seem to really let myself open up to a single one of them. I don't think I want to date anybody. I'm pretty sure I don't, because that comes with having somebody think they own you and making demands on your time. These things I don't want. At the same time, though, I am human, and I get lonely. I want to really connect with somebody. Snuggling would be nice, too. I really miss touch.
10-31-02
Thursday
Wow, so this Hallo-year was a waste - Autumn snuck up on us so fast that I never even really thought of what to be, much less putting togeter a show-stopping costume. That'll change next year - just need to pick something fabulous. Ideas?
And now for something completely different. I've been thinking a lot about civil disobedience. Nothing exceptionally rash, but rather the ideas behind it. When does it further a cause, and when can it just be a setback? When is civil disobedience warranted? What happens to the people who get arrested? Do their new criminal records really have any effect on their lives, or do things continue pretty much as usual? Feel free to respond to this or any of my other musings. just send mail to gypsy58381@aol.com
10-26-02
Saturday. Actually managed to wrangle a day completely free of obligations. It's a much-needed respite to sort of recharge the ole' batteries. I've kind of been catching a lot of flack lately about veganism.
Warning, the Rant begins here
I don't make it a secret that I'm vegan and gradually pursuing a more active role in animal rights. Some of my friends and coworkers have been approaching me lately and (trying to) back me into conversational corners about my reasoning.
As if I should have to justify my attempts to alleviate suffering. So far, I haven't heard any arguments for eating meat that held any more weight than "I couldn't give up meat, and I don't want to, because it tastes good." I can't really muster any sympathy for the people who use that argument while miserable lives are ended in slaughter by the thousands every hour. "It tastes good" just doesn't stack up against that, in my not-so-humble opinion. Grr...
And if people can't be bothered to care about animal suffering, what about people? When we gorge livestock (meaning cows, pigs, and poultry that we intend to use for meat, eggs, or milk) on grain, we waste food that could go to alleviate masses of starving people. 60% of the land used for grain production in the US is devoted to feeding the livestock we eat. We could use a fraction of that land, preserve the rest, and still have enough to feed everybody. The waste is staggering.
The rainforests are being decimated to provide pasture for massive herds of cows being raised for meat. The rainforests have to go because we've bred more cows onto this poor planet than it was ever designed to support, and we see the ill-effects in the ozone, starving populations, and the disappearance of millions of species of plants and animals through destruction of their habitats.
End Rant
Feel free to write to me if you'd like to either argue these points or learn more. I'm always open to email.
09-13-02
Friday the 13th. How trite, but still this date keeps cycling around, completely unapologetic for the significance we've placed on it and for the blame and guilt we pass to it. I'd like to talk about shame. We all carry it. Some of us defend our shame, build fortress walls around it and shield ourselves from its edges with loud outbursts of prideful denial. Some of us care for our shame tenderly and tuck it under a pillow - our own secret - nobody needs to know and so we shield ourselves from the pain of the shame not by denying it, but by loving it. Which is the healthy way to deal? Is there any such thing as a healthy way to deal with shame, or does the existence of shame negate the possibility of a healthy behavioral pattern? Why are we so ashamed in the first place?
6.03.01
Life can be very frustrating. This is the beginning of a very whiny post, and I'm aware of it and it's my website, so I'm indulging myself, so either bear with me or skip this one. I've found something that I love doing - nevermind what exactly, and no, it's not that - i'm just trying to avoid specifics on the off chance that my readers might notice this pattern in their own lives with variations, in which case I won't feel so alone. As I was saying, I've found something that I love, and it was going so well, and I was feeling so productive and creative, and then I hit a dry spell, and now, even though I manage to eke out a little now and then, every time I sit down to this occupation, I find myself empty before I begin - empty and numb, and ready to jam a fork in my hand just to feel anything at all. I stand up and walk away from said occupation - problem solved, except that I keep going back, trying to get back that feeling of rushing creativity. Maybe it's just lack of confidence because I hit that dry spell. Thoughts, comments, derisions,and suggestions, please feel free to write to me on this one.
1.01.01
Ever hear a Pooh Bear song entitled Cottleston Pie? Very Tao. Lyrics at bottom of page
I graduated from the University of Denver with a BA in Biology on June 3rd, 2000, at the
tender age of 20. And now I feel like a compass that somebody set an iron coffee mug next
to. No direction. No idea what to do with my life. Using continued education to stall.
Not to go into excruciating detail, but this is my website after all, so I'll take a babble moment
at this point.
Science is out. For me, anyway. It's time to expand my proverbial horizons. I'm now taking theatre
and drawing at the community college (god I love cheap schooling), and am actually
looking forward to class time. Definitely a new feeling. This would be my first instruction ever
in art, and while it's frustrating not knowing anything, the potential, I feel, is there and is
worth pursuing. Still writing, of course, and I've gotten involved in the local theatre scene.
I assistant directed the Importance of Being Earnest (widely held to be Oscar Wilde at his best
), and just landed a role in Harvey. That's kept life pretty busy for me, but if I actually got some
free time on my hands I might decompose or something.
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.
A fly can't bird but a bird and fly
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.
Cottleston Cottlseton Cottleston Pie.
A fish can't whistle and neither can I
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.
Cottlseton Cottleston Cottleston Pie.
Why does a chicken? I dont' know why
Ask me a riddle and I reply
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.
