Classic Action Stars Missing From The Expendables
The Expendables was like the world's greatest Thanksgiving dinner. The table was set with almost all of my favorite dishes and there was plenty of creative violence too. Then Expendables 2 came along and reminded us all why Christmas kicks Thanksgiving's ass. It has all your favourite dishes from Thanksgiving plus a few and then an assload of presents to boot. Seeing Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis on screen together in the first one was amazing, but seeing them on screen together shooting terrorists while Chuck Norris provides back up almost caused my meatus to explode like Superman sticking his finger in the barrel of a shotgun. I needed plenty of rest afterwards until my penile thrombosis went away so I began researching and debating amongst my friends about the top ten missing 80's action stars from Expendables 2. We refined our search by only including prominent stars who were popular in the 80's and early 90's but are largely forgotten and not working now (Sorry Nicholas Cage). They had to be "serious" action roles (Sorry Hulk Hogan and Mr. T) and I also decided to automatically disqualify anyone who appeared in Highlander II (Sorry Christopher Lambert and Michael Ironside). And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give you the Top Ten Classic Action Stars Missing From The Expendables...
10. Peter Weller as... Razor Sharp
Besides being a kickass cyborg and Buckaroo Banzai, Peter Weller should be included on the strength of his amazingly cool voice alone (He was recently cast to do the voice for Batman in the animated Dark Knight Returns adaptation).
9. Sam Elliott as... Shot Glass
The slot for hard assed old bastard was tough to fill. Clint Eastwood was (Unfortunately) disqualified for still having a venerable career and Connery was disqualified for being in Highlander II. It came down to Kristofferson and Elliott. I think Blade and Ghost Rider cancel each other out, but Elliott was also cast as the dude to stop THE FUCKING HULK (Even though that movie was the absolute drizzling shits) and he mentored the greatest badass that's ever existed, Dalton from Roadhouse.
8. Michael Biehn as... Ice Cold
Michael Biehn went on a tear through the 80's as James Cameron's golden boy with starring roles in Terminator, Aliens, and the Abyss. Unfortunately he wouldn't go on to star in many big movies after that (Navy Seals repsresent!), but amazed us all in great supporting roles such as one of my all time favourite villains, Tombstone's Johnny Ringo (See also The Rock, Art of War, and Planet Terror). He truly has Biehn there and done that.
7. Lou Diamond Phillips as... Native American tracker Peyote Firehawk (Or as Central American tribal revolutionary... Aztec Agave)
Besides being remembered as a pioneer of ethnic actors everywhere, LDP has also already played an iconic role with a terrible name (Chavez Y Chavez in Young Guns).
6. Martin Kove as... Euthan Asia
Besides being the evil dojo master of Karate Kid fame, Kove was also in Rambo II and a massive assemblage of 80's bullshit.
5. The Holy Trinity of 80's action Ghosts!!!
Charles Bronson, Brandon Lee, and Patrick Swayze as... The Brothers Purgatory
When Barney and the gang must travel to the plane of death in pursuit of their quarry, they will run across the Brothers Purgatory, a trio of dead brothers who will aid them in their quest while kicking undead ass along the way!
Lee left us way too soon, but gave us The Crow and Showdown in Little Tokyo (Alongside Dolph If-You-Don't-Act-For-Long-Enough-You-Get-Worse-At-It Lundgren).
Bronson defined the gritty weathered action hero. No one ever made a pencil thin moustache look so cool.
Swayze gave us so much. He gave and gave and gave until finally he had nothing left. From Roadhouse to Point Break, Next of Kin to Black Dog, Swayze gave us his best. He was the consummate badass with a sensitive side. Swayze deserves one more picture on here.
4. Carl Weathers as... Kettle Pot
Carl Weathers was a legitimate athlete before he was kicking Rocky's ass. He was a linebacker for the Oakland Raiders under the mighty Madden himself! Throw in Predator, Action Jackson, and... fuck it, Happy Gilmore, and he cracks the top 5.
3. Kurt Russell (With an eye patch) as... Balls Deep
Kurt Russell was almost disqualified for still having a career but thank God for this list, Death Proof was 5 years ago. Big Trouble in Little China and Tango and Cash are true classics, but Wyatt Earp and Snake Plissken will always put Kurt near the top.
2. Wesley Snipes as... Simon Phoenix
Just let Wesley Snipes play Simon Phoenix again! Simon says there's a wormhole or something! MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! FUCK!!!
1. Steven Seagal as... Baron Von Deathblade
Steven Seagal has been in 39 movies. 57 of them have been action films. His blues album has killed more people than the Holocaust (Regardless of whose numbers you're going by). Steven Seagal would be the perfect villain alongside Snipes for Expendables 3.
Honourable mention goes out to Lemmy Kilmeister as the dad of Jason Statham's Lee Christmas.
Father Christmas.
Fuck it, here's another Swayze pic
T-Bagz is an avid action junkie