1. Eat it2. Watch it3. Watch it watching you4. Watch it watching you watch it5. Use it as ammunition for your home made catapult6. Draw a mouth, a nose and some eyes on it with a black marker pen and call it Allan7. Use it as a door stop8. Buy another one, shove them both up your jumper and pretend they're breasts9. Paint it white and pretend its a football10. Paint it grey and keep it as a pet rock named George11. Cook it12. Pickel it13. Wash it14. Make a salad15. Make a piece of modern art with the leaves16. Hide behind it17. Grow it18. Sell it19. Use it as a paper weight20. Use it as a book end21. Play baseball with it22. Take it to the movies23. Buy it dinner24. Dress it up in sexy underwear25. Teach it to play chicken on the freeway26. Go skydiving with it 27. ask it how it would like to have it's name spelt 28. Cut it in half and use it as ear-muffs29. Freeze dry it30. Make green dye with it to colour a towel31. Sellotape it to your forehead32. [removed by the moderator]33. Chop it34. Kick it35. Cover it in whipped cream36. Trade it in for some celery37. Cover it in clear resin and use it as an ornament
36. Mistake it for a cabbage and boil it39. Recruit it into the Thingite Army40. Vote lettuce for PM of Britain, got to do a better job than some41. Buy one in a supermarket as a cheap and effective way to make your shopping basket look healthier and as if you are the sort of
person who would know what to do with a lettuce.42. Mash lots of lettuce in the floor to make your very own fake ice
rink.43. Grow then in the garden to make it look like you know what you
are doing when your mother comes round. 44. Pick it out of your **chicken burger when in a fast food
restaurant.45. Serve prawn cocktail in a huge lettuce leaf and then you wont
have to wash the plate up afterwards.46. Put one in the Tate Modern and win the Turner prize.47. Cover a lettuce in paper mache for your kids school project.48. Leave a rotten lettuce in the fridge at work and deny it
vehemently49. do it again the next week to see how long it take someone to
catch o 50. Use it as inspiration for a really silly guide entry51. Beat yourself around the head with it if your bored?52. Take lettuce, wait till it starts going brown at the edges, and
put it in some kebab meat and in pita bread stuff and its a kebab53. Feed it to your pet bunny54. Feed it to your tortoise (not too much as its actually toxic to
give too much to tortoses)55. Wrap it round yor feet and hold it in place with string to make
recyclible shoes56. Make lettuce icecream57. Use to disguise a hidden camera to be able to get secret images
of tortoses58. Take the lettuce leaves and sew them together to make a sheet59. Take out the heart of the letice and use the remaining bit as a
bowl to put fruit in60. Make a lettuce curry61. Cover it with poison and leave it in the garden to kill slugs62. Cover it with poison and leave it in the garden to kill
neighbours63. Throw it at polititions64. Worship it as a divine creation65. Genetically modify it so that it produces chocolate proteins and
therefore produceds chocolate lettuce?66. Make a sugar sandwich, by placing sugar on a lettuce leaf and
fold it over and then eat 67. shread it then use it to stuff a sofa
68. shread it in the office shreader to prevent corporate spies stealing shreaded info and reasembling it.69. keep a few lettuces on the dashboard of your car to engourage people to think you are mad and therefore not steal your car.70. stab several lettuce with several javelins and then use them as hat stands.71. spend a whole morning thinking about lettuce as a way to aleviate the boredom and horror of having to be at work on a Dobry72. Buy another one and feed 5000?73. Buy some peas and make a scale model of the Solar System?74. Freeze it in liquid nitrogen and then bash it with a hammer?75. Pull all the leaves off and stitch them together to make clothes?76. Bad puns77. Use it as a pin cushion (but only if your pins are made of stainless steel)78. Cut a hole in the top, stick a candle in it and use it as an alternative to a Jack-o-lantern at Hallowe'en. Or as an interesting centrepiece for the table at Christmas dinner.79. Shred it and sprinkle it on the garden as fertiliser.80. Liquidise it, add a bit of sparkling water and attempt to sell it for extortionate amounts of money as the latest must-have health drink81. Post it82. Using the individual leaves as packing when having to transit glasswear..83. Sit on it84. Paint it so it can be wilsons stunt double from 'castaway'85. Use it as a toilet paper substitute86. Use it to make potpouri87. Spray it silver and hang it on the christmas tree88. Wear it as slippers89. Draw on it and stick pins in it like it was a voodoo doll90. Shred it and roll around in it likes its the money you dont have91. Use it to make fuel for one of them environmentally safe cars92. Start a compost heap93. Use it as cheap writing paper94. hollow it out and wear it as a hat95. Cut it up into a pair of underpants96. Talk to it and hope it grows97. Cut three hole in it and use it to bowl98. Draw a face on it, shove your head inside your jumper and pretend the lettuce is your head.
99. Don't use it as a door stop100. Do a duet with it101. remove the centre, impale on walking stick and use as umbrella102. use it as an ear plug.103. use it as a plug for a bath/sink.104. keep it next your computer and hit the computer with it when windows does something strange.106. love it.107. hate it.108. fill a room with them, and have a kind of ball crawl room.109. hide it in friends jacket pockiets and have a game where you have to guess how long it will take for the person to find out they have it in their jacket pocket.110. Race them.111. Place bets on them whilst they are racing.112. Send it to the moon.113 use it to suffocate someone by putting one up each of their nostrils and a particularly large one in their food hole.114. use it to predict the maximum velocity of a falling lettuce?115. Teach it to ride a bicycle?116. Paint it red and use it to frighten taxi drivers.117. Put it onto the spindle of a record player and watch it go around and around and around...118. put it on a plinth as a kind of organic statue... 119. Hang it on a gold chain and wear it round your neck.120. Hang two on loops, hang them round your ears and audition for a part on Eastenders.121. Put it forward as the Green candidate at the next election122. Use them as a new form of currency.123. Slice it carefully, and use it as disposable place mats and coasters.124. Christen your daughter it.125. Worship them as gods.126. Use them for tissue paper.127. Mash them up, and collect the fibres through some complicated process to produce paper.128. Pile them up and cement them together to form a wall.129. Borrow a MiG 21 and drop a few on Paris on April 1st.130. Feed it to a Guinea Pig. My guinea pigs love lettuce.131. Feed it to me, I'm not over keen on them, but i am starving.132. Wire it up to teh national grid and use it as a cheap form of street lighting.133. Inpregnate it with perfume and use it as an nice looking air freshner.134. Make a marmite and lettuce sandwich and feed it to Orcus.135. Drill a hole in one, and attach a whatsit to it to make a key ring136. Count 42 of them to provide reassurance.137. use it as a teddy bear, by attaching a large one to two small ones for legs, two small ones for arms, and a slightly larger one for a head. hollow it out and cover your head with it to protect yourself from teh bugblatter beast of trall.138. hollow it out and use it as a french letter? 139. Smoke it.140. Set fire to it for warmth..141. Burry it in the local park, and mark the spot with an "X".142. use it as a bouy.143. Find 1001 things to do with it and then declare yourself "lettuce user master of the world".144. Dress three up in fasionable clothes, get them to record a cheesy pop song and become the next bit hit boy band. 145. Hide one in your underpants and wonder about with it ther146. clean it.147. forget about it while you're trying to find 101 things to do with a cucumber.148. pretend it's a cucumber.149. throw it at actors after a bad performance.150. use it in a magicians act (pull a lettuce out of a hat).151. chop it into tiny little pieces then feed it to your fish.152. use it instead of tupperware.153. paint it blue then take it to the doctors.154. use it as the next regeneration of Doctor Who.155. put it in jail.156. get it drunk.157. send it to someone as junk mail.158. give it away as a christmas present.159. arm wrestle it.160. play chess with it.162. lose it.163. leave it at school.164. put it in a cage.165. use it as an excuse to go to africa.166. Clone it.167. take it apart then try and put it back together again.168. take it apart and use the pieces to build a computer.169. lick it.170. use it as a sick bag.171. watch television in it.172. use it as a mouse trap.173. put it on your pancakes.174. put it in a sandwich.175. Hold it hostage.176. use it as a cannon ball.177. give it to someone as a present.178. stand on a bridge with a friend, a large supply of lettuce, and play "poo lettuce". 179. Send it to University and find out if it can get a degree.180. Hand it over to the united nations.181. Use it as a form of public transport (well, it will stand a good cahnce of being more effective than the trains, busses tube etc, in the UK_).182. BE proud of it.183. Use it to prop up the NHS.184. Use it to prop up the government/dome.185. use as giant sized snooker balls.186. Use as an eyeball replacement/alternative.187. use as a globe and paint map of world on it.188. Sponser it to run in a marathon for charity.189. Evolve it.190. Use a lettuce dog to round them up from the field.191. Give it a insecurity complex.192. Send it to the shrink.193. Use it to test dangerous chemicals/drugs on.194. put a message inside with your phone number and address on and throw it into the sea, to see how far it can float in the ocean.195. Get an infinite number of them and see how long it takes them to write the complete works of Shakespere. 196. trade them as pokemon cards.197. count them.198. use it as a floppy disc and save data on it. 199. use it as a floppy disc, save your homework on it, then feed it to your dog.200. take it to the pub and get it drunk.201. torture it.202. get the BBC to ban it.203. make it a swear word.204. called it the Starship Enterprise NCC1701-Lettuce.205. sign it.206. Campaign for it.207. Give it to nighthoover. 208. cuddle it.209. trade it in for a new model.210. sell it.211. buy it.212. play it on MTV.213. Write a song about it.214. Give it to the BBC so they can do a really dull documentary about it which they can show at peak time to ensure no one watches it.215. Put a picture of it on the front cover of an album.216. Give it to your brothers in arms.217. Be afraid of it.218. Pretend it is a jailhouse Rock.219. Tie a chain around its neck and take it anywhere.220. Steal it.221. Freeze it.222. Pretend it is a fish and put it in your ear.223. Ask little school girls if they want to come home with you and see your lettuce.224. Base a new dance routeen on its lifecycle.225. Learn about the interesting manner in which a seed of a lettuce must recive appropiate stimuli in order to be able to germinate.226. Use it as a model in a still life art class.227. use it as an key for an elaborate organic lock.228. invest in it.229. devolve it.230. Forget about it.231. Train it to do the washing up.232. stick it on your face with superglue and use it as a pretend wart.233. Use it as an excuess to bunk off work/school/college/torture duty.234. Use it for target practise.235. Line a bunch up in a room, and practise speeches/talks/presentations at them.236. Register it in the census and see if it gets a vote.237. Try and get a credit card for it.238. Take it into accident and emergency at the local hospital, and refuse to leave untill they revive it.239. Use it as a pretend kidney and transplant it into a sick relitive.240. Use it as silicon replacement matterial for breast enlargement cosmetic surgery opperations.241. Paint it and use as a false eyeball.242. Put it in a cradle and rock it.243. take some of the leaves and make a pot of lettuce tea.244. make it into a pair of blue shoes.245. Wear it with pride. 246. Pine for it.247. let it go its own way.248. let it immigrate.249. let it have a mid-life crisis.250. take it to market.251. Float it on the stock exchange.252. put it on the railway to Russia.253. Try to make it rust.254. Give it to your teacher instead of an apple.256. dust it.257. distress it.
258. make it one of the family.
259. make it earn its keep.
260. deduct its saliery.
261. Video it.
262. photograph it.
263. watch it decay.
264. Hide it under the seat in a friends car and see how long it takes them to find it.
265. Lend it to someone.
266. Borrow one from someone.
267. Give it its own armoured convoy
268. make bread out of it.
269. make bread with it.
270. make bread in it.
271. bake it in a breadoven.
272. cover it in batter.
273. cover it in breadcrumbs.
274. put it inside a loaf of bread.
275. smuggle it into America.
276. hide a bomb inside it.
277. put it in a foodmixer.
278. donate it to charity.
279. sell it at half price.
280. sleep with it.
281. but it a computer.
282. dress it up as Santa Claus.
283. put it at the top of your Christmas tree.
284. write your name on it.
285. but it a dog collar.
286. cut out a smiley face and use it as a lantern on halloween.
287. put it in your stocking.
288. use it as an excuse to procrastinate.
289. use it as an excuse to read the h2g2 post.
290. use it as an excuse not to read the Times.
291. give it an e-mail address.
292. put it in the freezer to eat next year.
293. get it to do your french homework.
294. Teach it to read hte BBC Radio Four news/shipping forecast.
295. Take it to german bite.
296. Send it to malin.
297. post it to silly automatic.
298. Send it onto Home Truths.
299. Teach it to attack John Peel300. Itch it.
301. Give it its own roadshow..302. Book it into a hotel.303. Give it "denial of service".
304. Let it reach retirement age and then get it a pension.
305. Take it to the gym.
306. Enter it into Lettuce Universe.
307. Call it Pat Armstrong.
308. Pick it up.
309. Fax it to a friend.
310. find its finger.
311. Tell it a storey.
312. Tell it a lie.
313. Make it stop spitting.
314. have mixed feelings about it.
315. Force it to call out the local police.
316. Don't get involved with it.
317. Start a vendetta against it.
318. make it cry.
319. tie it up.
320. take it to the dentist.
321. give it false teth.
322. buy it a toothbrush.
323. dye it's hair blonde.
324. make sure it is only viewable in classic goo.
325. force it to watch Doctor Who.
326. get a Dalek to Exterminate it.
327. get the borg to Assimilate it.
328. Get Mulder to create an X-File about it.
329. Get a women to impregnate herself with out so that she can have some cute little lettumans.
330. use it as a christmas tree.
331. use it as christmas wrapping paper.
332. Produce them in a collectible series and sell them to the kinds of people that like the collectible collections of things. Then, collect them.
333. Swing it.
334. Surrent it.
335. Surrender to it.
336. Tell it that "ressistance is fertile".
337. Kiss it.
338. Use it as a tampon/santary towel.
339. Stretch it.
340. compress it.
341. Send it down the long and winding road.
342. Take it to Scarborough fair.
343. Take it on a taxi drive.
344. Build a house of it.
345. Live in it.
346. Play air guitar with it.
347. Give it its own radio series.
348. Give it a job as Home Secretory.
349. Go into great detail about it.
350. Crush its ambitions.
351. make it back down.
352. Form an allience between it and the Liberal party.
353. Invite it to a conversation on MSN messenger.
354. Protect it.
355. teach it to sing (in perfect harmony )
356. make it the figurehead of a "we want a
