[06 Jan 2002|10:15pm] [ mood|relaxed ] [ music|trance radio at www.digitallyimported.com ]
wow, i'm so glad that I got most of the site up. I've been working
all night and some of today, and the Me section is done, as well as part
of the WWW. I'm hoping to have this all done by the end of the
week. Last night I was up till like, 4 a.m. arguing with Dave -
lol, the fun never stops. He's a crazy kid, I'll give him that,
and just as stubborn as me, so it was hard to try and win an
argument. I really hate fighting with guys though, especially
boyfriends, because it's so pointless, and even if you make a point, who
really cares? It's not like he's gonna remember it, only the fact
that you fought. I was mad at him because his cousin wasn't going
snowboarding today, so all of our plans got messed up. I wasn't
really mad at that, more the fact that he called his friend and got a
ride, but not for me. I guess it's just cause I feel like he's
been letting me down lately, and we're not even going out, so it's not
like I should care...but I do. I dunno. I really do love
Dave, I just wish he'd see where I'm coming from more often. And I
know he wishes I didn't talk about my past so often, and I do feel
really bad about it, and I'm trying not to mention it. I was so
stupid to mess things up the first time we went out. I
dunno... anyway, today Kristin IMed me, and of course, started a
friggin fight, like always. This time though, I didn't just sit
and try to work it out. She's really getting me fucking pissed,
and the next time I see her, I'm thinking about just dropkicking her in
the face. I hate when people make me that angry, and then I get
this rage...that's how I fought Heather and Jesse. And Kristin is
topping them both - calling ME the skank when she's the one hooking up
with girls and practically humping Luis. And she totally
denies that they had anything planned for Saturday, like I'm stupid or
something. It doesn't matter though, I'm gonna try and stay outta
this and just stay away from them, cause if they spend their time
planning shit like that out, then they are scumbags. And it'll get
them in the end, on it's own. Oh well..I'm goin to find something
to eat, since it's snowing hard, I couldn't order pizza. peace
 
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[04 Jan 2002|4:43am] [ mood|depressed ] [ music|"blurry" - puddle of mudd ]
I know I haven't written in a little while, but I've had no real
ambition. Lately I've just been really thinking, and watching TV,
and trying to figure out life that I haven't really gone on the internet
at all. People are starting to get pissed cause I'm not answering
IMs or e-mails, but I guess when it comes down to it, I really don't
care, cause I'm getting really sick of people. I'm sick of trying
to hide my feelings so everyone thinks I'm a "better"
person. I'm sick of being someone I'm not. How can I be a
better person if I'm fake? And lately, I've just gotten tired of
all the bullshit that goes on, everyday. Ever since I've moved
here, it's just gotten worse. It's like I can't relate to anyone
here, and when I do, I end up losing them or messing things up, or
finding out that person wasn't who I really thought they were. I'm
tired of not having a true friend to sit and really talk to me, and try
to understand me. It's not that I don't love my friends to death,
but mostly they're guys, and let's face it, I can't really go to them
completely open and talk about whatever I want. Life just sucks
here, and even though I thought it sucked in Dunellen, I realized how
many chances I let slip by and how many people I misjudged and
underappreciated. And I've especially been thinking about the
past, and as much as I had told myself I was mature and cool, I really
was just immature and I didn't know how to handle anything. And I
still don't. Thankfully, I can look back at things and realize I
did wrong, and have the courage to try and fix it, but some things I
know I just did wrong with, and it can't be changed. And I have
the power to try and do the best for right now, because that's all that
really counts. Mostly when I say the past, I mean I've been
thinking about Jesse and Rich. I guess I idolize those two
relationships because I never really felt that way about anyone but
them. Rich of course was my first love, and I cared and still care
deeply for him. I was talking about him to my mom about him a
little while ago, and she thinks I'm retarded for still thinking and
talking about him, but when I really face it, that relationship shaped a
big part of my life. And I miss him. And as much as we fought
and as stupid as I was, I really wish we could've worked things out, now
that I look back. We were good for each other, and I know we both
screwed up, but I still love him to death and I know I'll never forget
him...even if he doesn't want to remember me. I wish I had the courage to call him and tell him that, but
based on the last time I tried that, I'm too afraid he'll just tell me
what I already know - that we just can't be together. And I couldn't
stand him telling me that again, because that broke my heart completely
last time. I know how we fought and I know it
was extremely hard with us being so far...and now even farther.
And sometimes our relationship just seemed bad - I thought I could do
much better. Little did I know how hard it is to find someone that
truly cares, and that's all I ever wanted. And when Jesse came
along, I saw something in him that I don't think anyone else saw.
Even though he doesn't exactly want to work things out, I know he cared
at one point, and I know I still care about him. He was everything
I wanted, if he could just forget trying to put that front on to make
himself seem cool. I just remember the letters he wrote to me and
all the things he told me, and I still can't believe I see him now and
he's so distant. I know he thinks I didn't really love him, I've
told him to his face and he doesn't believe me. But that's
alright, because I did love him. And I still do. I wish I
could say the right things to get through to him, but if what I tell him
with all honestly doesn't work, then only time can help.
I know this is all just me spewing all the thoughts in my head in one big paragraph, but I feel better when I write it down. And I'm hoping that if anyone does read this, and understands where I'm coming from, then I've at least accomplished something. I got this really nasty entry on my guestbook the other day that basically said I was stupid for writing my life down. Well, personally I think whoever wrote that (they didn't write their name or e-mail, how cool are they?) is stupid, because at least I can write down what I feel and get it out, and then look back at what I was doing and judge myself. I could care less if I'm the only one that reads this, it makes me feel better. And if you're coming to my site which is based on everything about me and you don't like me or the things I do, then I'd say you have too much time on your hands. And especially to write to me about it. How pathetic can we get? Now that my rant is done, I guess I'm gonna go into what's bothering me most. Ugh, after a stupid, long struggle to tell Jay that I just don't like him as a boyfriend, I finally got the nerve to sit down and truthfully tell him how I feel, he went into this big rage and hates me now. Which I don't understand, because he was the one who told me that as long as I'm honest, he won't get mad. And it's not that I was lying about liking him...I did, I just didn't want to hook up or anything, and I knew the instant I felt weird with him hugging me that we weren't meant to be. I'm sure he'd be a great friend, just not anything more. It'd be great if this was my only problem with Jay. But SINCE he hates me SOOOOOOOOOO much now, he felt the need to tell Kristin and Jordan and Vic and pretty much everyone else at Jay's...so now ALL THESE PEOPLE who have NO BUSINESS trying to help out are getting pissed at me, just because I told the kid the truth. Normally, I'd be upset about this. I even reacted at first the normal me way, and I called Dave and told him about it, and since they all hate Dave and threatened to shoot him if he ever set foot in Jay's house, I told him that too. Which he found hilariously funny because he thinks everyone at Jay's is a dirtbag. (and I'm not arguing with him on that one anymore) He isn't worried, but what did make me feel a little better is that he said if anyone touches me, they're dead. And I trust Dave's word, cause he can be crazy like that. It just felt good knowing someone had my back. And he's not the only one, Jay Britten calls me pretty much every day and is really starting to become a great friend. He's hung out at Jay's longer than anyone, and yet he was the one to call me and tell me what was going on. I really respect him for that. I don't think I'd have the good in me to trust someone I hardly knew, and well enough to stand up against my best friend for them, but I'm so thankful to him. And now that I've talked to them both, and kind of got an idea of what everyone at Jay's was planning, I had to start thinking about what I was going to do. And basically, it's nothing. I figure everyone at Jay's is all talk...and if they're not, then let them come. They're being stupid and have too much time on their hands to be worrying about everyone else. So I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to...worry about myself first and if any problems from them do come up, I deal with them. I really don't care anymore. I do have faith in a couple people there, even though Kristin told me that they "hate me". But then again, she hates me too, so there's no real point in believing her. And that's not talking shit, that's telling it how it is. That's the other thing that I'm gonna completely stop. A lotta people here feel the need to indulge of every detail they've heard about someone - true or not. And I had been doin it too. But now I really don't want to talk about anyone, good or bad. It's just causing problems for me, and then you have to defend yourself on everything you say. It's just not worth it, and everyone's mad in the end anyway. Well, I know this entry is long and rambles on, but I figured I'd catch up from the week I missed. It's soo early in the morning. I'm going to sleep.
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[22 Dec 2001|7:13pm] [ mood|pissed ] [ music|"coke" - flickerstick ]
finally! i got my computer and shit back from being grounded.
:\ fuckin jesse man...me and like, everybody, found out he was at
the library and we didn't have nothin to do so we headed over there just
to mess with him. and then i found out he went down to dumont that
day he told me he was in nyc...so i hooked him (again). then he
ran home and told his parents (ha!) and they called my dad. i
denied it and shit, but my dad grounded my for like 2 days. not
bad. it was pretty funny to see joe holding him and then jay go
off on him. i dunno, we were all against him (including jordan)
but now jordan says he's cool with everyone. i'll change that back
soon. rite now i'm supposed to be cleaning up my room, i just got
really bored. tuesday is christmas...yay! i still gotta get
to the mall and get presents...this christmas isn't like last year,
where my mom went out and got everything in like, november. my dad's just giving me money so i'm thinkin of
buying a bass or a drumset. hopefully jordan comes to his senses
about jesse soon so i can start practicing either drums or bass for his
band. hmm, k, back to cleaning. :]
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[17 Dec 2001|2:00pm] [ mood|shaken up ] [ music|"under the bridge" - rhcp ]
oh man, i think if i wrote out everything that happened yesterday, i'd
have a page a mile long. yesterday i was sitting in jason's house
doing nothing with jason, britten, haley, joe, jesse, kristen, and a
bunch of other people, and we're all pretty bored, so jesse gets this
idea to go steal caffeine pills from quick check and we could take em.
he went alone and comes back with like, 10 sheets. so me and a
couple other people (not everyone) went and took like a sheet each, plus
a couple more, so each of us had about 15-25 pills in us. i
figured i'd get real hyper real quick, but after about an hour me and
like 2 other people started pukin, so it wasn't too good. i was in
the bathroom, and i just felt like complete shit. jason came and
sat next to me, and stayed with me for like 3 hours. it was like
my whole body was paralyzed and i felt so sick that i couldn't stop
myself from puking. i finally got up and jason's mom drove me, jay,
and jesse to a pay phone and jesse called my dad and convinced him to
let me sleep over jesse's... cause i didn't wanna be left alone in case
my heart stopped or something. we got back to jesse's and then his
parents started freaking out, so of course he lost his temper and broke
the door off and like pushed his mom down or something, and then they
were screaming at me to get up and get out, so jesse like half-carried
me and we were gonna go to the park, but jesse's dad came with the car
and we got in. we told him what happened, so he drove me home, and
i asked my dad to drive me to the hospital. on the way in the car,
my whole left side was tingling and started going numb..i was so scared
i was gonna be paralyzed or something forever on the left side.
when we got there i ran in and told the guy what happened, so they
brought me to a bed and i kept puking. they took blood and got me
hooked up to an iv, and then i had to tell my dad what happened and
shit, and it turns out he wasn't mad. they pumped my stomach and
gave me this charcoal stuff i had to drink so it would absorb all the
acids in my stomach, so i stopped feelin sick after a couple
hours. i couldnt go to sleep tho, i felt so wired. i had to
stay though, because with that much caffiene in your veins, you can
die..the doctor scared the shit outta me. i'm all right now, but
i'm still really, really worried about everyone else, cause they didn't
go to school i heard, and i hope to god that they didn't fall asleep,
cause your heart stops...jesus, i can't believe how stupid we
were...from now on, i'm stopping everying, i don't even think i'm gonna
smoke stoges anymore. this is some scary shit we were messin
with...
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[13 Dec 2001|10:56pm] [ mood|better :] ] [ music|"fight music" - d-12 ]
whats up? ah wells im better. i went out after haley called
me...she wanted me to meet her at jason's :]
hehe..that kid's so cute.. i'm prolly goin over there tomorrow
sometime cause she wants to chill, so whatever. of course, guess
who was there? jesse..and he was hangin all over nicole.
they like each other i guess, but i really hope she realizes the way he
is cause she's so nice. she doesn't deserve that either. and
when i went to kyle's, he was there too, but i didn't really see
him. he was on the phone with marissa, big surprise.
everyone i talk to tells me to fuck him, that he doesn't deserve me
worrying, but i dunno..it's just like, i need closure or
something. i still need him to just come to me, without being a
fucking asshole, and just talk to me and be sympathetic..cause i'm not
the one who fucked things up this time. and i don't even know why
i need that, it's not like i even like him anymore. it's just i
haven't felt that way about someone in a long time, so it's such a shock
to me to lose someone again. at least i'm handling it better than
i did in the summer... i'm not even sure i want a relationship
anymore, cause i find that once you start goin out with someone, it's
like you want them to change, and obviously if you liked them in the
first place u liked them for them; changing just fucks shit
up. i dunno, i'm just tryin to get through my life, hopefully shit
will work out. i'm out, gotta get up early tomorrow, meet the
normal people who actually go to school. lol peace
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[12 Dec 2001|12:09am] [ mood|tired n worn out ] [ music|"stronger" - britney spears ]
ok so i haven't blogged in a couple days. wow today was bad.
really, really bad. i woke up depressed, so that sucked, and jesse
had slept over so i was tryin to make the best of it. but, since
im so stubborn, i just stayed in the other room for like an hour...and
then i heard jess talkin to someone on the phone. i figured it was
jordan, so i was like, whatever. then i went and picked up the
phone in the other room...and who is it other than his fucking
ex-bitchy-girlfriend. and he was talkin some shit about me.
seriously, i dunno went thro my head, but i went ape shit. i
stormed into my room and just swung...he turned his head, and it got him
right in the nose. it got worse. i didn't get off..i kept
swinging and i picked up his head and smashed it into the chair, and
then finally he kicked me or something and i just stopped. when he
got up, there was blood everywhere. and when i say everywhere, i
mean, EVERYWHERE. it looked like i had just killed someone.
it just splattered everywhere. i was so shocked, and i guess i
didn't really know what to think. i started laughing hysterically,
i guess because on one hand it was so funny that i had beat up jesse,
the love of my life, a GUY who always acted so tough, and then also
cause i had no other emotion...i was just so hurt. i told him to
get out, and he said he had no where to go, so i told him to go back to
marissa, and then i spit in his face. he spit right back, so then
i was really pissed off..and i started laughing again. i don't
really know what happened next, but my laughs started becoming sobs, and
i just sat down right in the middle of my floor and cried....and
cried...and cried. more because of what i felt...nothing. it
was the worst feeling i've ever felt..more than when i lost rich, more
than when my mother left me, more than anything. it was like..i
didn't want to sit, didn't want to stand, didn't wanna see or hear or
think, didn't want to love, didn't want to hate, didn't want to
BREATHE...didn't want to be there. at all. and i guess just
all my hurt came out at once, and i went into like a trance. i
don't really remember it, all i know it that i kept thinking just a few
thoughts..."i loved you".."how could you do this to
me".."i'm sorry",, "it's just like rich"...and
"I just wanna die"i actually wrote it with an eyeliner pen all
over some box that was near me. so finally jesse was trying to
clean up some of the blood and he came over and tried to wipe it from my
face, but i wasnt moving, cause i couldnt, so he tried to stand me up
and get me to go in my little storage room thing, so finally i semi-woke
up and went with him, but i couldnt think still, so i wouldnt smoke the
cigarette he gave me and i just sat there. i kept repeating "i
wanna die"...i guess cause i did, and that's so unlike me.
you know it's bad when i feel that depressed, but i really didn't want
to live anymore. and then jesse got upset too, and tried to talk
to me. i still cant believe what he said. "you never
loved me brit, but it's okay, you don't have to hide it." i
can't believe he could think that, when i loved him more than anyone
ever before. and i guess he thought i didnt cause i didnt
"show it", but how could i ever? when he was making fun
of me to jordan? when he was stomping around the house mad at
me? when all we did was fight? now that i think of it, i'm
not even sure why i loved him, because i know i deserved to be treated
better than that, but i guess it's because he tried his best..i
guess. still, from what he tells me, his ex treated him like shit
and he was so sweet to her..maybe he would've been to me too had we
stayed together that long, but i was so good to him...at least i tried
to be. anyway, getting back to him tryin to talk to me in the
storage area...i dunno what happened, but i kept crying....and then dave
called. at first i didn't know who it was cause jess answered, and
then he told me it was dave and i called rite back, and i couldnt even
talk, i just kept sobbing. i dropped the phone, and i think it
scared him, so he came over. i can't even imagine what he thought
when he saw us at first, cause we both were so bloody, and jesse was
trying to shh me. the first thing jess said to dave was "she
fucked me up", i guess that's what stopped dave, cause i know
how he is about guys hitting girls, and he even asked jesse if he hit me
back. i can't even explain how glad i was that he came, it just
helped me so much to know someone was there for me. so then
jesse's parents came and we all went out to eat, and jesse seemed
distant, so i tried to ignore it. they dropped me and dave off at
my house so i could go home and dave could call his mom, and then rite
as dave was gonna call, jesse called. i dunno why, but he wanted
to come over. so him and his dad did, and then me and jess went
upstairs, but nothing happened. he didn't talk..i don't even know
why he came over. then he left. the most recent thing that's
happened was jordan calling me, and that's just to ask what happened.so here i am sitting at my computer, perfectly fine, except for a missing contact lens, a bruised fist, and a broken heart. i still don't know what's goin on...it's just so confusing and so unfair right now. i know me and jesse aren't getting back together, i just can't do that to myself. this was just something that i can't take back...as much as i'd like to. i dunno what he even feels, and i don't think i'll ever know, especially now that he's going away to the shelter or wherever for a month. i still am in shock from today; i just don't know how i could ever feel this low, when it could've been so easily to get out of it before i had to feel this way. and it doesn't even matter anymore; i'm not gonna try and think about what's gonna happen to him...cause i can't. it's over, and that's that. if he wants to try and go back to marissa, then that's all fine and good with me..they deserve each other. i'm gonna go for better things...things i deserve. i guess this is the end of my blog, and the end of jesse. what we do for love........it's just too bad.......
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[09 Dec 2001|1:21pm] [ mood|hungry ] [ music|"do for love" - 2pac ]
ugh..today my dad's makin me clean up. it's gonna take at least 5
hours just to clean my upstairs room and bathroom, so i have no idea if
i can even do anything today, which fucking sucks. hopefully i can
get at least some shit done and definately get my downstairs room clean,
so i can go get some furniture for it. i still have people sitting
on the floor...lol. yesterday matt came over from watchung, my old
town, and we just chilled. i couldn't believe he actually got
someone to drive all that way, cause it's like a 45 min drive. my
other friend marc came over too, but he lives a lil closer. lol
matt actually took a good pic of me, and a couple others, so i just
gotta get a parallel port cable and i can scan em. i gotta get
more pics of friends and stuff cause all i have is pics of people from
dunellen and green brook. well, i guess i'm gonna go start
cleaning. bye for now
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[08 Dec 2001|10:40am] [ mood|unorganized ] [ music|"love this way" - eden's crush ]
i just
woke up. lol. i'm a mess right now, but i'm about to go take
a shower and get ready as soon as I'm done writing this. all day
yesterday i was out and around cause i got up around 7. well,
actually, i didn't go to sleep. i have no idea how i stayed up the
whole night, but it involved a lot of caffeine and aol. jesse
called this morning early cause he needed his shoes, (lol i wore
em last nite cause i was sick of my boots) so that's why i'm up.
he's goin to nyc today..imma miss him. i was gonna go to see the
tree with my friend, but we didn't get to make good plans yet. my
parents are goin today too, but i dont think they're takin me. so
i'm guessin i'm stuck home all day...lol. i'll probably work on
the page a little more; i really wanna get the "me" section
finished and start the you..the only thing I can't get right now is pics
and that's cause there'll be no one around to take em. I did get a
popshots camera tho, so i can get new pics on my site instead of ones
from like, last year. (the way i usually have it..lol.)
well, i'm gonna go listen to some good music (not sayin eden's crush is
bad, just can't take pop music any longer.) bye
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[06 Dec 2001|09:25pm] [ mood|deep ] [ music|"my sacrifice" - creed ]
lol...today
was a lot better than yesterday. i slept till 2, unless you count
the interruptions where people called me. i did nothing, but at
least i'm not bored or anything. i didn't really work too much on
the site, i'm looking for christmas presents for everyone and that took
a lot of time. i dunno what i'm gonna get jesse. i want something sweet but not stupid, and not
impersonal. hmm.. anyways.. me and jesse
and still fighting. and we didn't see each other all
day. it's kinda weird, cause i was with him for so long, but i'm
occupying myself. his bitchy ex-girlfriend IMed me again,
:sigh: but i found out she's some girl he met at the shelter, so from
now on all she is to me is a little shelter rat who isn't even wanted by
her parents. i might have to do some ass kicking.that aside... i think i'm gonna go to the movies tomorrow. i haven't been in sooooooo long..and i wanna see behind enemy lines. or i'll go shopping, either one sounds good to me. i can't wait till saturday; i'm going down to dunellen. my dad finally agreed to drive me, and i wanna see everyone. i'll probably go to matt's house, and andrew's, and stop in the break and stuff like that, but i don't know how long i can stay. k..well..goin to go surf some more and then download mp3s. byeee
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[05 Dec 2001|06:35pm] [ mood|grumpy ] [ music|"matrix trance mix" - the cynic project ]
ugh, today
was bad. i woke up so early (think 9:00) and didn't have breakfast
or anything. lol, and jess
woke me up too, so i was pissed. plus everything was gettin on my nerves.
i was so bitchy to jesse,
and i feel really bad about it. i just can't take any jokes right
now, my head's in a mess.i have a really bad headache so i didn't do much work on the page today,
but i did add music and shit like that. ew, and jesse's ex keeps
iming me whenever she signs on and says all this shit to me..i don't
even know her name..laura or lauren or somethin like that...so i'm ready
to go over there and personally kill her...damn bitchy girls. grrr
anyway, i have nothing to do tonight. i think i'm goin to go to sleep early. lol. i'm so tiredddddddddddddddd...........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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[04 Dec 2001|05:03pm] [ mood|lonely ] [ music|"texas" - primer 55 ]
well today
was pretty normal...so far. jesse
stayed over last nite but my dad's makin us sleep in seperate rooms so
that kinda sucked. i woke up pretty late today, so we didn't have
much time to do anything. i had to go to the doc at like 3 so by
the time i got ready we had to leave. it was kinda stupid, and my
dad was talking to him forever, so me and jess went outside and smoked a
stoge and caused some chaos with the water hose. lol. my dad
took him home after, so it's like the first time in 10 days we've been
apart. :'( now i'm just waiting for my dad to come
downstairs so we can go out.i can't believe christmas is coming up so soon. it's in like 3 weeks. my parents started planning out the party already, so who knows how that's gonna go. i have no idea what i'm gonna get everybody, and i made it easy for everyone by making a wish list this year. hmm..hopefully dad gets the hint. anyway, i'm gonna go get ready. a girl can never have too much time to redo her makeup, can she?
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