Dose of Reality

There are days when everything seems so down
And I think of the days in my past
I wish I was back living them again
They seemed to have gone too fast
But then I remember I'm here, the present
Even though the thought can be so mean
And I think maybe I'm imagining the past a little better
Than it really had been
And then something comes along in my life
And it seems like deja vu
It reminds me that the past had it's bad points
Which is something I already knew
I just need the reminders
So I can be happy that my life has moved on
And I thank the gods for the daily doses of reality
That keep me going strong

New Year's Resolution : To Tell Him How I Feel

The moments that we shared
Now in past
We tried to work it out
But we didn't last
You've gotten over it
All is now behind you
But I sit here still
And wonder, "What will I do?"
I read your letters
And dream you're still here
To understand me and hold me
All I want is you to be near
Cause I can't live without you
And I just can't move on
You're the one for me
Even if I've let you down
I know I promised myself it's over
I should just give up and move on
But how can I give up on something
That once for us was so strong
My love wasn't a joke
No one's meant as much as you
And now alone I sit here
Knowing there's nothing I can do
So all those times you promised to love me forever
Promised that your love would always last
I guess what hurts me most baby
Is that forever ended too fast

Someone There

This place is so dark
In my bed I lie
Why can't there be someone
For a shoulder to cry?
No one understands
It's everyone on their own
Looking out for only themselves
And so we're all alone
What's a friend?
I wish I knew someone true
Cause nowadays it seems
Like fighting is all that I do
Everyone wants to be cool
And talk smack behind your back
And honesty and trust
Is something they all seem to lack
It used to be better
When I lived back home
Ever since I've moved
Everything's just gone down
Maybe it's them
All set in their own hometown ways
Maybe it's me
Have I changed these days?
All I need is to be understood
Maybe it's too much to ask
All I need is to be myself
And get out from under this mask

Judith

We fought every day
With no relief
Everything was so hard
Our talk was so brief
Too much time was spent frivolously
On things that didn't matter
And now she's gone
A relationship tattered
She had been my savior
And an enemy too
She had been my teacher
Showed me what to do
I grew up under her reign
And now she's walked away
She didn't think twice
She wanted it her way
But that's how she is
And how she'll always be
But I was her daughter
She didn't think of me
It's love and hate
Mixed feelings grab at my heart
I don't know what to feel
Now that we're apart
I miss her eyes, her face
The hair that we shared
Her hands, her nails
The cigarette in between her fingers paired
The way she'd laugh and smile
Even though it was rare
And the way that she'd cry with me
When I needed her there
I miss our apartment
That we lived in for so long
I miss the way we had each other
So in hard times we could be strong
And yet I'm still so angry at her
It's so hard for me to deal
Ended a relationship by choice
For her nothing, for me so real
I'm trying to get over it
Her place I'm trying to fill
But she's my mother
And I love her still

Mary Jane

She's the smartest
And the prettiest
(and she knows it)
She
(is uncaring but pretends she)
Cares
(and she's convincing)
She laughs
(inside at the misfortune of others)
She says, "Poor
(ugly)
Girl, Poor
(stupid)
Boy, things will be
(the way they are; I am the best, so much)
Better
(than you)

Breathe
As of August 23, 2001

Well, baby, I thought I'd let you know
That I've moved on
Finally, for once in my life
I decided to be strong
I heard you been messin around
Broke new babe's heart
Not much surprise for me
You were a player from the start
I sit back and laugh
Watch you ruin your life
Runnin around with everyone you can
Makin it all one big strife
You made me hurt bad, baby
And that I'll never forgive you for
Playin games with my head all along
Tore my heart up till it was sore
But I got someone new
He's gonna be good for me
I might even fall in love
Feel the way we used to be
Don't get me wrong now
I'll never forget the times we shared
Your name is forever part of me
And at one point I truely cared
So this is finally goodbye
Memories all packed up
I won't have to think about you no more
So goodbye baby, and good luck

An Etched Memory
as of August 21, 2001

I heard about you today
Seems you're a new person
You've always been material for breaking hearts
It wasn't the first you broke
Maybe you should consider what you've become
It could be for the better
I don't know you anymore
Not sure if I'd want to
And as much pain as I've gone through
All I've ever wanted was you
It's the old you I miss, though
I don't understand what happened to the one I loved
So changed that 
Even when I break down at old memories
I always have to ask myself
If maybe they're all just a false front
And maybe you were no different
Did you ever really love me?
All I know is that my heart still belongs
To someone who doesn't exsist anymore
Crying doesn't do me much good
Silly, really, how I cry for you
Instead of us
And how I wish I could go back
When I know I can't
This time,
Sorry won't do me any good

Dick

I thought I found the one
I'd be with for a while
The one who'd make me smile
The number I always dial
But I'm disappointed
Cause I was let down
Tell me
How you gonna promise me
Something you don't know?
You don't understand
You just pretend
But I can see right through you
And I know where you come from
What you're thinking too
I know you don't love me
Cause we've got incompatibility
Relations are all sugarfree
One of us down on the knees
Beggin please
Help me cause I can't deal
With you, with this
This isn't bliss
All you bring to me is pain
And I don't want it
Don't need it
Just realized this
Sorry baby
You know I do
Love you
Care for you too
But it don't work
So now we're through

Aftertaste

The world was sweet while your tongue was in my mouth
With the lights down low even here was a happy place
And I was safe from the world in your embrace
But the lights are on and your lips are gone
And I'm left with this
Horrible
Aftertaste

Forever

I thought we would be together
Forever
He promised me
Forever
I would be his girl
Forever never seemed so long
Til i realized he was gone
Forever
Now I'm alone
Forever
Crying in my pain
Forever
I'm going to try and smile
Forever
But inside I know
Forever
That hes gone
Forever
Oh now I see him with another girl
He's promising her what I've heard before
Forever
Is going to sound like paradise for her
But then she will notice
He is gone



June 24, 2001...until eternity

"Together Forever"
Is now a broken dream
I thought we'd be together always
And now I'm living my life without you
All of our memories
All of our hopes
All of our love
What will they be years from now?
And it's been so hard...
Knowing what I know now
Realizing what I should've
Way back when I still had you
If only we had known
I wish I could take back all the pain
Childhood lovers
You'll always be my first
...why are we doing this to ourselves?
We were so happy together
And what are we now?
Never meant to be seperated
We are broken
But I can still see your smile
I can still hear your voice
All still fresh in my mind
You'll never see
But it's killing me inside
Knowing the phone is at an arm's length
But I can't call you
And I'm all alone tonight
Because you can't be with me
And I lie here and think about you
Wonder where you are
Who you're with
and Are you happy?
But I know these questions all are left unanswered
So as these realizations
Come into my head
I know I have to move on
I want to thank you
For all we've gone through
And for what you've given me
I would not be the same without you
Forever and always
I'll love you
And I miss you

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