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I Hate the INTERNET
Der Verrückte Mann Spricht :
o3/29/o4: not a fan of life I dont know why i'm updating this crappy site. There's nothing really to update. I still work 70 hours a week at a job I hate for barely enough money to pay my bills. I'm still in a lame band with no name, no concept, and no real music. And I'm still working on my shitty comic book that will probably never see print. That whole numbness that has blanketed my life has now been replaced with a general feeling of despair. Every day, i have to struggle with my suicidal feelings and who knows when my time will actually come. I've increased my smoking habit to two and a half packs a day so that maybe I can get lung cancer a bit quicker. And I've found that its harder to lose if you don't try at all. musically, i've been listening to the new Local H, the new Eels, and Jimmy Eat World's latest release (I still can't get enough of it) If anyone wants to come see me to "cheer me up" it would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sad and alone. This makes no sense:
12/o1/o3: Just in time for CHRISTMAS!!! So I should start with an update on my life. My pathetic life. Which, now, is actually more of a life than I've ever had before. I still work at Round the Clock family restaurant at 909 w. lincoln highway, schererville Indiana. Its loads of fun. So much fun that I sold my soul for a promotion. Now, I'm the midnight manager of the restaurant. waiting on tables was a lot more fun, and less responsibility. But the lack of a soul is such a fun feeling. so,im sitting here at 7am on monday december 1st, wondering why im not sleeping. everyone else in america is either sleeping or waking up for work; and im just sitting here playing on a computer. I'm not a big fan of holidays. I usually just drown them out with sudsy BEER, and this year, i have my own drunken apartment, so i'm sure there will be tons of fun things this winter. or i could just sleep.
o7/15/o3: Remember me? I don't. Yeah, I'm living in Schereville. I work every night at Round the Clock on Rte. 30. Every night except wednesday from 7 to 3 in the morning. The job is fun. SO FUN THAT I'M GOING TO DO IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! no I'm going to ozzfest courtesy of Cristina, Thanks. Everyone should give her a round of applause for her random act of kindness. That act of Karma will come back to you in bundles of joy and love. I rebought OK Computer by Radiohead, and it went from the case to my CD player, where it remains now. Can't get enough of Thom. Lots and lots of funny things have happened at my work, but I can't really recall any of them because my my current mindset. Once again, I've drifted into the slums of depression, sitting on a dirty curb with angst and despair waiting for the next bus out of town.
I was talking to someone about despair and the implication to human emotions. Technically, despair is the complete loss of hope, but he argued that despair was a state where life is worth than death, and obvious extreme. And I wonder, how can you argue against an extreme, when the literal deffintion of an idea is taken out of context and exploited.
That's why I hate lawyers. Good luck, Nick.
I've all but given up on my book discussing Religion. I'm about half way done with it, but i have no zest for religion anymore. Its now a useless artifact in my mind. So, I see no need to pursue something that I'm not interested in. I will miss making fun of Wiccans.
Don't worry, my zeal for writing is still here, I've decided to focus on obtaining my childhood dream of being a comic book writer. Time to make momma proud.
My birthday is coming up soon. And I'll be 21. AND, I get to go to work that night, so it'll be fun. I don't know what else to write right now. My life is pretty void of any comical activity. If I ever get a scanner, I'll put some Oscar on the internet, its good times, but I need a new computer first, and I don't foresee that in the near future.
but my computer is letting me work on my website, so there should be more updates.
o4/12/03: So Sad. Well, I moved out of my house, which explains my absence from the internet. I'll be back soon though. I'm still working at the shithole bakers square, but looking for a new job. Um. Yeah. I need money. Badly. And my job keeps fucking me over. But I'm sure you don't care.
o3/o1/o3: That just looks weird. You're never truly alone until you're in the dark. I've been thinking a lot about how we don't like the sun. Because there's too much noise when the sun's bombarding me with its rays. And then I thought, and this is just me talking, that maybe I'm not crazy! Maybe the sun talks to me!! And this is why I'm glad I don't open my mouth much. This institution regrets to inform you, the reader, that certian amends have been made to the general liberties you percieve as yours. I had to change a flat tire the other day, but the lugnuts were on too tightly. A pressure wrench or some other mechanical hoogey whatsit had them on super tight. I don't think the Incredible Hulk or Stan Lee himself could get them loose. I tried with a tiny four way, but got no where. So I went and took a power nap. After an undesignated elapsed period of time, I awoke and returned to my task. With great feats of superhuman "nap oriented" strength and leverage, I managed to loosen all four lugnuts (And *popped* my shoulder too) Now, I'm going to conduct a study of the affects of naps as opposed to actually sleeping. So, this should be a RIOT!! My car still sucks shit. My job still sucks shit. My hair still sucks shit. But I "don't have to do a lot of heavy lifting".
And, yes. I was pissed when I heard Fred Rogers was dead.
o2/19/o3: Do to thyself what thou wilt. what does that mean? If I knew, I'd be set for life. I wonder, if someone ever figures out the meaning of life, the creation of the universe, what's going to happen? If we all knew where we came from, and knew why we were here, what would happen? Would that person win a prize for figuring it all out?
o2/18/o3: SITE UPDATE We have the pain you need. We'll cut your wrists and bleed. We're set back here every day. We're here to make you decay. You can't shut us out any more than the light. And your vision just adds to our might. We're coming to take your soul. And take whatever is Chatter's toll.
I'm off my medication again. Its only day three and I feel like I've slipped right back to where I was when I first started taking it again. I was so close to winning this time. And now its going to go to shit again as I sink to the bottom. Humans are five. They are five because of their five senses. Those shape the reality that they percieve. The devil (or the supernatural) are six. They must have six senses. The sixth sense, as defined by modern physicists is an awareness of space time. If I was suddenly struck dumb, had no response from my skin cells, my ol factory gland, my ear drums and my eyes, I would still know where all my molecules are. I still know where my hand is when I move it from its location in relation with the rest of my body. but I'm crazy. Right now, there is a red fluid leaking from a pipe that has been severed. Several cells have been alerted of the breech and are now trying to patch the walls in the pipe until new cells can form a stronger hold. Unfortunately, someone keeps severing the pipes. This attack on the system demonstrates a disruptance in the natural flow of an environment. Shock prevails, but is eventually overcome by a system that is ready for the random rebellion. So, what brought this rebellion into existance? Humanity, not insanity. Where as the idea of a random rebellion or attack on the system could be seen as insane, it happens every day around us. We see blatant disregard for anything's well being every day. And what started these random acts? Free will. Free will gives us the choice to deviate from the natural occurance of a system. If we don't like the way a system is treating us, we lash out at it, as terrorists do against an oppresive state. So, free will is the thing that is disabling humanity's ability to be part or a collective consience. Humans sub consciously try to rebel against things they don't understand. Free will is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the universe, and I'm sick of having to think about it every god damn day of my life. I'm also sick of facing the same cycle of sadism every day when I wake up. I'm constantly faced with everyone living THEIR life, and not caring about anyone else's life. It makes me sick to be a human. And it makes it hard to be empathetic to anyone else's problems. So, until humanity decides to work together, I'm divorcing it as my race, and starting my own. fuck you.
o2/17/o3: I need a scanner I have so many comics that I want to put on the internet for you all to read (all three of you) but I have no scanner. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. for those of you wondering where I've been these past five days (all three of you) I've been working my ass off waiting on people that don't give a rats ass about the things that I do for them. and that's ok. I've also been playing my guitar and "jamming." I don't have any songs yet.. YET. And even if I did, I don't have the technology available to bring them to you. I've been focusing all my attention on getting my car working and moving the fuck out of my house. So, yeah, little time for the internet. I try though, I honestly do, but its so hard to make time, especially when it takes me half an hour to load the angelfire home page, and every other page after that. Neh. I've been listening to the radio and what not, and heard a commercial about how the radio station was going to have updates on a "WAR EFFORT" should the US plan to take "MILITARY ACTION" against Iraq. I saw this as a shitty ploy to boost ratings, and a campy way for the media to try and help out the "WAR EFFORT" I strongly feel that the US should stay the fuck out of Middle Eastern affairs, much like the Monroe Doctrine bans the Eastern peoples from meddling in AMERICAN affairs. These constant attempts that the US is making to show everyone how to live their lives is only making us look like bigger and bigger hypocritical assholes. If I were president, I'd try to fix my own country before fixing other peoples' countries. A prime example is the fact that no real drastic measures have been taken to tighten security around harbors that import and export foreign goods. Someone could easily sneak in a bunch of Anthrax amid cheap Korean toys. BUT WE HAVE A COOL NEW BUILDING AND A "DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY." I don't know about you, but I sure feel safe. and how about fixing our economy? the last time I checked, this was supposed to be a capitalist economy. One based on a free market. But I'm never able to bargain (except at flea markets.) As soon as I figure out how to combine socialism, capitalism and anarchism, I think the world will be a better place. but what do I know, I'm schizophrenic.
02/12/03: Lets get a party goin... I think that Andrew W K is the closest thing to a modern day Baccus. The God of Wine or whatever. No one captures the pure spirit of partying hard as AWK does. And to them, I tip my hat. I'm really starting to get pissed off at pop music. Its getting on my nerves more so than usual. So, I'm banning the radio in my home, car, etc. I also listen to ONLY my music. Ha. I feel better, more sane. For some reason, I can't concentrate when all I hear are people rapping about selling drugs and performing sexual acts with every woman they meet. I mean, its cool and all, but cool in the same way as G.I. Joes were cool when we were little. And "Alternative" music isn't much better. But I hate everything. o2/o6/o3: Either he tries too hard, or not hard enough. I'm tired. its 2 am, and im tired. im not physically tired, my brain is tired. i've been having really bad headaches lately, and the background noise is getting louder. but my brain's normal. im tired of rebelling against myself. this entire world is a revolution, just one string of smaller rebellions, its like the world is trying to destroy itself. i should feel better about myself in being intune with nature by being self destructive, but I'm not.
o2/o4/o3: I'm sinking. apparently, the whole point of life is to wake up, work a shitty job so that you can further fund the complexities of running a government, a government that still owes you money, nonetheless, and then using what little money you have left to save until you're unable to work, but still have to give money to the government. And at what point does this make sense? sure, we're all working together as a team, the government's got our back, what with providing us with police and fire protection, after all, we all know how it costs trillions of dollars a year to make sure that no one is breaking laws. And I know that the federal government is spending out money as wisely as it possibly can. They're not, say, financing a war because someone's daddy had a fight with them, and now his son want's to prove something. And I'm almost positive that the money's not being spent on patrolling our borders or supporting the uneducated people in the country because the school systems are so poor and simple that no one gets any skills, but rolls to fill, like finding the right piece to put into the puzzle. I don't know, I"m rambling now, but I'm extremely mad at the government right now. I hate giving my money to someone who doesn't deserve it. I hate being promised that I'll get "paid back" and never do. I hate not having a choice on how I spend my money. I hate not having a choice when considering HOW I get my money. But most of all, I'm pissed because I have to work, like all the other american PEOPLE, while the american POLITICIANS sit around in nicly apholstered offices, flipping coins over what "constitutional rights." can be "ammended." I do have to congratulate the american government, they do a better job of pimping the people they govern than Castro of Hussein.
o2/o3/o3: There's red wax dripping from the eyes of a skull. I saw an old friend from high school at work today. we ate lunch together every day our senior year. we acted together in a small play for experimentals. I saw her, and started conversation with her, and she didn't recognize me. she treated me like some weird guy hitting on her. I don't know how that makes me feel. Being forgotten is worse than dying.
o2/o1/o3: I don't like earth. I was wondering if I was the only person that still feels part of nature. I mean, does anyone else go out into a forest or secluded area, or even anywhere, and try to tune into what's happening around you? I'm not talking about meditating and being "at one with the universe" and crap (well, maybe in a way) But I'm talking about being aware of what's really happening in your environment. I don't know, I do that, but I'm crazy, and it might just be one of my "things." Not only am I waiting for the punchline, my life is constant writers block. I wrote a bunch of songlyrics but they're pretty boring. They're as stale as my guitar work. I don't know, eat some pie or something.
o1/31/03: Good Charlotte isn't punk rock, its just embarassing. I am punk rock. I am many other things, but I have been schooled in the ways of punk rock, much like the jedi masters the force, I can be punk. While many of you see this ability as useless, it brings me much joy in my pathetic life. I find something amusing about being PuNk RaWk. It makes me sad when bands like Good Charlotte exploit the fact that they're punk rock. Its ok to be punk rock and famous, as long as all your songs aren't about BEING punk rock and famous. there is a huge argument about selling out and being punk rock, so I'll clarify it for you. You become famous when a large collective of people come to your shows, buy your cds and merchandise. You're punk rock when you carry the punk rock lifestyle with you. If you don't know what that is, I encourage you to research it. its a lot of fun. You SELL OUT, when you start being famous, and brag about it by writing songs about how you're famous and punk rock. To set it into perspective, when I was in high school, there was a small punk rock scene. half of them liked punk rock because it was fun music to play. shows were fun to attend, and its always fun to be different. The other half got off because they were "so punk it hurts." Bands like Good Charlotte, Unwritten Law, Blink 182 and, to a certian extent, New Found Glory have all sold out by changing the content of their music, they no longer sing about being punk, but how cool they are because they are famous. This is selling out. Bands like Green Day, AFI, and Sum 41 are famous, but keep the message the same. They are still punk, not retards. Good Charlotte makes me sick, and i want to kill their fans, and the band.
o1/29/o3: I ((heart)) pie Its sad when the highlight of your day is that you got three free pies from work. I was having fun despite the slowness of the business. I was walking around the kitchen doing my impressions of Stuart Smalley. And then it became retard night. Retards started coming in like roaches to a dollop of dropped stale whipped cream. Whip cream. Mmmmm... pies. My section was suddenly filled with down syndrom children. And it was not fun. There was a song I used to sing at Aurelio's. It was called "Retard's Night." I sang it to the tune of "Ladies Night." and danced around the kitchen like John Lovits whenever a phone girl would drastically mess up an order or something. I kept humming it in my head all day for me. And that's... ((ok)). My dog is a bigger asshole than I could ever hope to be. And, on that note, I'm going to sign off, and go to sleep... but probably not.
o1/28/o3: Don't die, Timmy. I have a new place to live, maybe. I just need to raise 700 dollars in the next two weeks. ...Right. Guess I'm not getting a new guitar. But its still good that I'm moving out of my house finally. It makes me giggle.
o1/27/o3: This isn't a blog, I swear. I actually am working on new pages for this site. I'm going to start posting daily comic strips, and then special week end extravganzas.... well probably not, but, you know. I just need to scan some strips in and then "stay true to the dream." .....that's not going to let it happen, is it? I've taken to saying "You're making baby Jesus cry whenever someone does something bad at work. My co-workers stare at me blankly and then just laugh. I love baby Jesus. For those of you who are dorks, read the following part. for those of you who aren't, just hum and scroll down until you see "A SIGN." then just keep humming, I guess. Anyway, my character in this game i play on the internet just got accepted into a clan. I know it sounds gay, but it actually rocks, because they're making my guy beefy. Being in a clan on this computer game is like getting the cheat codes. I just was unable to do this because I'm too much of an antisocial asshole, and not ubercore enough to keep up. I guess. But now, I'm just shutting my mouth and hanging out. What I love about it is that its a fresh PK clan. and that means that I'm about to be competing with some bad ass gamers and getting the crap knocked out of me. But it only makes me all the leeter. HA!
I was at a pool hall the other night (playing pool of course) and I added the perentheses to explain that as soon as I stepped into a building that said "POOL" on the front of it, I was welcomed by a wall of computers, all networked together, playing CS on the internet. A small tear came to my eye, and I grabbed the nearest table to the cluster in the corner blowing eachothers heads off and getting violent. They were nerds, but they were nerds that were fun to watch. In respects to my pool playing that night, My horrible playing came nontheless from lack of Metallica. I selected all of Master of Puppets, and got ready to win a few rounds, and then U2s War album kicked in. Which wasn't bad, but it affected my game. Damn jukebox.
So, yeah, there will be Oscar pages coming soon. I just need to scan. I'm also going to put another feature on this site, that I'll explain at a later date. So, I'll leave you with this picture:
Have you ever thought about time? I mean, really thought about time? Why does time beat the crap out of us, and how come we know so little about it. Someone, please enlighten me. I've just been thinking about Mayan culter again, being the weird history buff that I am, and I keep thinking about how everything moves in cycles. I know this idea sounds simple, but I never really thought of our galaxy as a cog in the universe, ultimately a piece to a bigger puzzle. I say this because that made me take into account how its one more factor on things work on earth that a lot of people don't recognize. A lot of people don't realize that the Mayan culture, calander and religion DID take this into account, and were the closest to nail it on the head. Their predictions on celestial events, such as meteor showers, planetary alignments, moon phases, comet paths and other things were documented at the height of Mayan civilization. Their calanders set the exact date of a particular eclipse that happened in July of 1991. But for some reason this knowledge was lost. And why? The Roman empire conquered all of Europe, parts of asia, and africa. When they unified the empire, they imposed the calander created by Julius Caeser. That calander stuck with the residents after the fall of the roman empire and the development of nations in europe. the calander then made its way over to the Americas when Columbus discovered America. And then the shit hit the fan for the locals. But you all know the rest of the story, right? I don't know, that's just another way I'm crazy. I research, and embrace Native American and Mayan beliefs more than I'd embrace god for the sole reason that their beliefs were centered around nature, not for the glory of one individual, like some pimp using people for his advantage, but for the wholesome of your environment. So, that's why I try to keep in touch with nature.
o1/26/o3: Super Bowl = Super Gay I was right in my thinking that the commercials would suck less than the game. Too bad you can't bet on shit like that, huh? There are certian things that I do, often, that look crazy, but to me aren't. Like, I frequently stare at myself in the mirror. really stare. I stare into my eyes and stare. Is that really crazy? because it gives me time to see what other people see when they look into my eyes. I stare at myself and see the stranger looking at me, and I him. But I"m the stranger. I don't know, it seems normal to me because it actually feels like there's two people there. I guess that's why its so sad. I was hardcore more into comics today, someone started talking shit about Garth Ennis and I couldn't shut up. I wanted to kick my OWN ass. I still wish I could work more on my comics, or at least my cartoons. But I haven't touched a pencil in months. That just adds one more notch on the capped potentials that I contain, and I feel even more like shit. I think I'm going to go play my guitar and converse about the universe for a bit.
o1/25/o3: Beck Owns You Hmmm. With the upcoming Daredevil movie, I've been thinking about comics a lot lately (more so than usual. Dorkmode is set to HIGH) And I've been rereading and contemplating Alan Moore's WATCHMEN. A lot of people give me crap for reading comics because comic books are about super heroes that fight evil. Its corny, saturday morning cartoon crap. For the most part, a large portion of comicbookdom is like that. The shit I read isn't. Getting back on track, The Watchmen is an excellent read. Its a unique depiction of the 80's. It shows the world as a gritty, harsh reality that no one sees but a few. Moore kicks my ass by developing different characters and interplaying them with more confusion than a fun fun game of Clue. One of the characters, whom gets murdered in the beginning and starts off the whole story, is named the Comedian. Rather than be some Jim Carrey type, plastic man form of comic relief, he was the hardened one of the bunch. He wasn't funny, he just saw the truth in everything and didn't give a fuck. And that's what Comedy is most of the time, right? Comedy is simplification of an idea that will strike ones mind and cause it to recognize and sympathize with the comedian. But what does that knowledge do to the comedian? I'm sure you all have no idea what I'm talking about, but it makes sense to me.
I wonder if I'm the only person that ever gets tired of thinking.
o1/23/o3: I'm retarded. Sometimes, whole days can be summed up into one, short sentence.
o1/22/o3: Simon doesn't say much. Am I the only person that thinks that American Idol is the biggest waste of time? The first one was complete crap. The winner sounded like shit, and where is she now? HER FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME WERE *GASP GASP* ONLY FIFTEEN MINUTES!! For some reason, she's not tearing up the charts anymore. Oh well, guess its time for the next best thing. Only one question remains. Who gives a rat's ass? Sure, the ratings may prove me wrong, but we can already tell that the American Television Viewing Public aren't as bright as they'd like to thing. Paulie Shore was able to float a show for a season. And right now such "reality" television shows are doing monstrously well. Look at The Surreal Life, or those crappy dating shows. And who the fuck says that Simon knows what he's talking about? He's just some repressed homosexual english twat that's snooty about life, fashion and current trends. If all it takes is a cynical attitude and a bad haircut to be an expert on something, then I should have it made. And can past contestants compete in American Idol 2? If so, I'd like to see the same exact winners as last time, I just think that American Idol is a worthless piece of garbage ranked on the same level as the Miss America pagent. Its just something for people with no lives to sit down on their evening and live vicariously through the people on the screen. After all, everyone can be a famous singer at heart, because ever sounds miraculous. Especially in the shower. But John, aren't you just saying all this because you're mad because YOU can't cut it on American Idol? Oh yeah, I'm real sad that I can't win a contest where only gay people with bad hair, and little strawberry shortcake look a likes rank as the elite. I'd like to see the lead singer from The Used or The Vines compete and just beat the other contestants to death with empty beer bottles and microphone stands. THERE'S a show I'd watch.
o1/21/o3: Rape Me james joyce, the genius, once tried to convince himself that his daughter was also a genius and not just some deranged schizophrenic. but someone said to him that when he used his magic fingers to scuplt literary art, he was diving in a vast ocean. when his daughter unknowingly did the same, she was simply sinking. am I diving or sinking? Orwell describes a world where individual thought is a bad thing. a cold, heartless society where its ok to be one of the collective. at the same time, he shows a sadness brought upon by a sacrifice. a sacrifice not unlike sinking to the bottom of an ocean, sitting at the bar of a sinking ship, drowning your sorrows as you drown your soul. as you sink. am I diving or sinking? if i stay here with you girl, things just couldn't be the same. cus I'm as free as a bird now. and this bird you cannot change. maybe i started off diving, with my own self contained underwater breathing apparatus. but then my eye was caught by a glimmer. a glimmer of a lost civilization. and i dove further to appease my inquiring mind. to soak up all the knowledge in the sea. unaware the whole time of how vast the sea is. so my tank is empty now and im not diving anymore. I'm just sinking. and soon I'll just be another relic on the ocean floor. they say that drowning is the most peaceful way to go. my psychologist once told me that. she said that it was like being back in the womb. you were surrounded by a sense of warmth, equilibrium as the water filled your lungs, then nothing. the sweet warmth of nothingness. I'm sitting here playing guitar right now, I'm listening to free bird and trying to play along. Earlier I was playing Nirvana, Foo Fighters, System of a Down and a little bit of Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I like to think I can play the guitar, but that's just the ego talking. Every guitarist has a huge ego. because they can create. People admire them, because everyone wants to be like them. Everyone wants to be as star. I just want to play music. And when I do, no one listens. They just wait for their turn to play the guitar. They wait endlessly for me to finish my songs, wanting to play the few notes they can play on one string. How come when you go to a concert, you sit on the edge of your seat and you invest yourself into the performance at hand, but when I carry around my guitar, and I play my music, you don't listen, you just stare at me and wait for me to finish. is it because I dont charge you money? maybe i should stop playing guitar unless people pay me. I know its selfish, but its the only way people will listen. How did Cobain become successful? He wasn't that great of a guitar player. sure, he wrote tomes upon tomes of music, and developed his own theory behind music. But the main thing is that everyone wanted to be him, right? How am I supposed to do that? Everyone wants to be Jimi Hendrix. Everyone wants to be Eric Clapton, everyone wants to be Elvis Presely. no one wants to be John Sullivan. No one knows who John Sullivan is. one of my associates found out my name was john sullivan the other day. I've known him for a couple years, and he found out who I was yesterday. "Isn't John Sullivan someone famous?" "no, john sullivan is just a schizophrenic artist mistaken for a genius at times." I replied. when I do things like that, i sink in the back of my head. When I say things like that, everything gets quiet. even the voices in my head. Even they can't argue with statements like that. I slept for four hours last night. the other eight hours were spent sitting in my room playing
guitar and reading. sometimes i think my insanity has grown because of my lack of sleep.
other times its just because i get so bored at night sitting on my bed, staring at a closed, blocked
window. at 3;30 on a tuesday morning, almost everyone is asleep. and Im sure no one thinks about
me when they're alseep. and if they do, im even more sure that they forget
about it when they wake up. if i were to kill myself, i would be dead for
at least 8 hours before a single person thought for a single second about
the entity named john sullivan. and im sure that they would have no clue that
that entity no longer existed. it would be like looking at an old wrinkled
dollar bill. you dont think about george washington. you dont know george washington
he's dead. he's been dead for over 200 years.
o1/2o/o3: carry on my wayward son Its been almost two months. I keep having these bouts of insanity. You know, where I flip out, get all suicidal, hate life and everyone and everything. And then I look back on it all, and its not bouts anymore. Its not that I "have a bunch of nervous breakdowns" I'm just always fucked in the head. I'm always going to feel like this, and I'm always going to flip out. Its just a matter of time. You may wonder if this makes me sad. It does. Everyone thinks I'm oblivious to the world around me. They think I don't realize how fucked up I am, and how fucked up I've let my life become. But I see it all. I see everything clearly. A lot clearer then most of you assholes. I just don't brag about it constantly. I don't point out everything in life. If I were to do that, people would get even sicker of my voice. I don't know, I think its an accomplishment that I've survived this long. Everyday, I try and kill myself. Why do you think I do drugs? To hang out with the people? Right. No. The rest of you have it easy. Maybe not the rest of you, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of you don't have three other people in your head screaming at you all the time. I'm just sorry that I can't be good enough for anyone. It gets really lonely on the bottom of the shit pile, looking at everyone dancing above the heap and having a good time. But for some reason, I'm not allowed to go out and play with them, isntead, I'm supposed to sit here and think. Just sit and think about what I've done, the sins I've commited, and why I'm such a bastard in the eyes of God. I'm not good enough, and I'll never be good enough. All the other kids are better than I am. I should just shut up, work in a factory, and move out on my own. That way, the police can find my corpse when my neighbors in the apartment next to me call because of a strange odor coming from my apartment. And then my boss will wonder why I never came in when I was scheduled that one night. Or why I didn't answer my phone when he called to see where I was. When he called to yell at me. And then he'll fire my corpse for not coming in, and set to hire a replacement.
11/22/o2: Update I haven't been able to keep this update thingy ((up))((to)) date because of lack of internet. Soon will be a full update.
RANDOM SHIT:
THE Band
Diary Archives
coming soon.
LOOK, BUTTON/BANNER THINGS. I AM INTERNET!!
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