12|06|02 FRIDAY

[and the famous line goes "To be or not to be: that is the question] Is there no more compassion in this world? I know that I'm affected by it knowing that people just don't care anymore, and because of this, I think that I'm just going to let the world win. Even though I know that I'm one of the more fortunate ones, this world does not seem safe enough for a poor soul like me. Nobody cares anymore, and everyone sins through life—cheating, stealing, killing—there is nothing in the world for me that I can reason to live for.

Pessimistic as I am, knowing and letting them win is the biggest sin of all. So close to suicide, but what can one do having no hope and faith? Standing corrected, to have no hope in yourself is the ultimate killer. Nobody understands me, and I'm too stubborn to have these embedded thoughts taken away from me. God knows I pray to ask Him to pacify my heart, and I know that works, but it's too hard and I'm too tired of trying.

One disappointment after the next. It's sad knowing that you were actually happy and content hours before, but the overwhelming bad always overweighs the good, and when you know that that's happening too often and too frequently, you know that you're at the end of the line.

I'm barely twenty years old, and I'm sure that I will suffocate in my angst and sadness. Heart attacks occur. Hypertension clutches your heart, and if people only knew how it feels to have your heart crushed, then they will have lived these days of my life. It's not worth it. It's fucking not worth it anymore...

11|30|02 SATURDAY

[ah!] Guess who I saw at the Comedy Cellar?!! RAY ROMANO! Well, I didn't exactly get to see his act, but Amylou and I took a photo with him. Anyways, I was forced out of my house around 11:00 at night due to stupid Sandwich Boy nagging my mother for my permission to go see the show. It was freezing outside and I got home at 3:45 in the morn. Great big fun. Sense my sarcasm please.

*Gag* I haven't been outside for like two days. I've just been stuffing my face with pointless fatty foods and sitting around like a slob. I'm so gelatinous...

11|23|02 SATURDAY

[ice skating!] The University of Arts in Philadelphia didn't come to visit yesterday, so I just skipped Government to chat with Michelle. Gosh, I really have to get going with all these college applications. O__o I asked Kramer for a recommendation to Cuny Honors. I hope it will go well.

Well I'm off to go ice skating with Winnie. I hope it will be fun and that I don't bust my bum too many times...

11|16|02 SATURDAY

[long conversation] Ah, an understanding. I feel better now...

11|16|02 SATURDAY

[heart diseased] I hurts inside...

PUSH - MATCHBOX 20

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough.
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in,
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved,
By a hand that's touched me,
And I feel like something's gonna give,
And I'm a little bit angry.
Well, this ain't over, no, not here,
Not while I still need you around.
You don't owe me, we might change,
Yeah, we just might feel good.

I wanna push you around,
Well, I will,
Well, I will,
I wanna push you down,
Well, I will,
Well, I will,
I wanna take you for granted,
I wanna take you for granted,
Yeah, yeah, well, I will.

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me,
Like I'm a little untrusting,
When I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya,
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me.
You couldn't stand to be near me,
When my face don't seem to want to shine,
'Cause it's a little bit dirty.
Well, don't just stand there, say nice things to me,
'Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged,
And you, you don't know me,
Yeah, well, I can't change.
I won't do anything at all...