dear mariah.. the world's not big enough for the both of us..

"..cause after all, she's a stargazer.."

12.29.03 - Wow, big update time? I'll make it short. Senior year has been hell as far as school goes, but everything else has been going so well. I'll be 18 in less than a month, and I'm really excited about that. I've definitely felt more independent (I hate that word) probably from being able to drive, hang out when I want, and sleep over Ryan's. Well, now that my parents have been dealing with Jimmy constantly and calling him a "druggie" or sometimes preferably a "drunk," they've definately taken a load off of me. I'm starting to realize that I don't HAVE TO hang out with certain people just because I feel bad for them, that's the wrong reason to do something like that. Instead I've begun to spend my time with friends I am happy with, and don't feel obligated to cling to all the time - like Katya, Angelica, Katherine, and Sameeah. So, many things have happened this year so far, and there are so many things to look forward to - for my birthday I am taking a few friends and Ryan to see Rilo Kiley at the Knitting factory, I am going to be in a game show in February, Ryan and I will be going out for 2 years in March, I just might get into a college I will enjoy, and who knows how things will work out? I have a feeling that the worst part of senior year is over. No more research papers, SATs, or applications to fill out. And writing class has been great because it's a big learning experience, very overwhelming, depressing, yet exciting at the same time. Life is complicated. So much has been left out, but I'll write again soon. by the way -- I'm currently reading Invisible Monsters. Get the Kill Bill soundtrack and tell me you don't get freaked out.

8.19.03 – I’ve been reading a lot lately and it’s been helping me think more clearly about what matters and what shouldn’t matter as much. I’m so excited about my writing class this year; I already bought a big blue notebook for the year. I’m such a dork. Well, Ryan and I have been spending lots of time together lately. He has a bunny now, it’s adorable and it loves to bite my nose. I haven’t gotten any chances to spend time in Queens, but you can’t do everything. I’ve been working nights, some days harder than others because I haven’t been feeling too good with my allergies. Ah, but anyway it’s not all that bad. I’m still very upset about a planned trip that didn’t work out for the DUMBEST FUCKING REASON ever. Anyway, I have a new bike that I picked out and paid for. Thank you, Ryan, for your help. I’m excited because now I don’t have to ride a bike that doesn’t brake and has a seat that goes painfully up my ass when me and Amanda go bike riding. It sucked like Victor and his anal beads. Everything is good. Only one more week of this, which is making me anxious. I’ll be seeing everyone soon.

7.29.03 – Two nights ago Nicole and I ventured to see a band that made an insanely crazy night worthwhile. Rilo Kiley was one of the top 3 best bands I’ve ever seen live. I can’t even describe the experience. I want to go back to it and see it again. I can’t describe the absolute amazement I still have about them. Two encores! They fucking rocked the place. It poured while we tried very hard to get a taxi outside the Bowery Ballroom. My new sneakers were soaked and my damp hood made my hair stick to my forehead. We finally succeeded and apparently we made a scene because a nearby group of kids were cheering for us when we got in the cab. I hadn’t been out with Nicole alone for a while and it’s great to have friends like her. I don’t have many good friends, but the ones I have, I love to death. We spent an hour in Penn Station and I totally looked like I was homeless, and I told myself that if my “aspirations for the future” don’t work out, I’ll be happy being homeless in Penn Station for the rest of my life, and Nicole agreed. I was nervous my car wasn’t going to be there when we got to Bayside. But, it was there and we rejoiced by blasting some really bad music. It was about 2 in the morning and I had never seen Queens so deserted. Glen Head meant one thing to me – food, clean toilets, two Dixie cups, and SLEEP. Thanks Nicole for everything. Rilo Kiley made me realize once again that there are a few bands that make music that mean THAT much to me, and they are one of them.

7.15.03 - Sometimes I don’t ever think I’ll be able to write because I’m too concerned with not offending people. I don’t see a way to do what I want to do without offending a few people in the process. Maybe that’s what’s making me stressed all the time. Le le le le le le le LOW sentiment has got me feeling low

7.2.03 - Happy Anniversary Ryan! Someone's going to be 18!! in 2 days! Today was the first day of my summer job. I am working at IGA and it has been quite an experience. I made a few new friends and I also learned a lot about the Supermarket and how to ring things up (because it’s not always as easy as you think). I like the manager and the other workers too. They’re all basically nice. (Not like the rest of the Hampton’s population). The customers can be incredibly mean or, if you’re lucky, very nice (I got a tip today!). The job isn’t bad overall, I’m still training but I have a good feeling about working there the whole summer. My arm muscles are going to be huge by the end of the summer. It keeps me somewhat fit physically standing up for seven hours and packing bags with heavy items. So that’s another plus. I also get an hour break for lunch and two 15 minute breaks. Other than work, my summer is going to consist of seeing Ryan (his birthday is the 4th), hopefully seeing friends (going into Queens a couple of times), going to the beach, and reading all eight books on my reading list. Should be fun. Oh and I forgot about the incredibly addicting pinball machine we have in our renovated basement and the pool table (upon which Ryan is going to kick my ass in pool). I might even have Char, Nicole, and Amanda stay over for two days, so they can see where I’ve been spending my summers the last few years. I’m more excited about this summer, much more than I was about the last three. I’m looking forward to my trip upstate with Ryan. And Siren Fest guys!!! Wooo! I’m a happy camper.

5.30.03 – Today, I passed the infamous ROAD TEST!!!! All I have to say is: GO ME! GO ME! GO ME!
Here’s a list of the top ten places I am going to drive to:
10. School
9. Bayville
8. The Park
7. Fast Food
6. Friends’ Houses
5. Work
4. Bay Terrace
3. Jillian’s
2. Shows
1. Ryan’s house

5.11.03 – So, it’s early and it’s Sunday, and Ryan is coming over later. Does anyone else really like the new Third Eye Blind song? Well, some things are new… that are worth telling about. I have two reddish strands of hair now. Woo. Well, you really can’t notice, unless you look for it extremely closely. OK, well that wasn’t worth mentioning. Otherwise, Katya and I are planning on writing a book together and trying to get a manuscript done by the end of the summer. Although, it sounds a little, um, farfetched… I think we can do it. We have plenty of ideas. Amanda and I kicked ass on Pump Friday… we were so hyper, we were singing and dancing at the same time. Congratulations to Amanda who won her job wearing fishnets and sneakers. Go you! We have conquered the level 6’s, now we just need to work on the Mexican’s on Prozac dancing with maracas one, without laughing, which is even harder. Alright, now that I’ve embarrassed myself, I’m going to get all showered for Ryan. Probably a good idea, right.

4.20.03 - So, I am back from the dreaded VA. And five days in Virginia playing softball could just about kill a girl like me because:
1. I hate Virginia.
2. I’m not bisexual.
3. I hate softball.
4. I hate both of my softball coaches.
5. I don’t drink or smoke.
6. I don’t like dirty Mexicans.
And that’s about all you’ll find in Virginia Beach, but on the other hand, I did share a room with the two Kellys and they were a lot of fun. We rented this three seater bike and nearly killed half the population of Virginians. Road Rage anyone? I must say eating in restaurants every night was great. But other than that, my “vacation” sucked major balls. And who the hell wants to wake up at 4 in the morning to take a plane at 7 and then another one at 9:30 and be forced to smile and say hello to the person you most hate in the world… Coach Steffen (as Kelly calls him) Ah God my hatred is so deep for the man.

I did get my belly button pierced, though, which was the highlight of my week. I wasn’t so nervous about getting it done as I was about using Erin’s ID instead of mine, because she is 18. It was the first time I did something like that. I was so ready to feel retarded when the lady would tell me that I had to be kidding by using this. But she didn’t say anything. Kelly kept like calling to me “Go Erin!” so I wouldn’t forget as I was signing the paper. It was pretty funny I must say. (by the way I did start writing my name and then I had to cross it off a thousand times so no one would see it) Well, the experience was one of a kind. I got it done and it didn’t hurt much, I was just being dramatic, that’s just me. I think it looks good, and Amanda said she might get hers done, so now we can be the lame-o Pump team with belly button rings. Go US! Alright it’s time to go….It is Easter after all and I totally forgot about that. I’m going to the Met game today and then I’m coming back home for a lovely dinner. Oh boy.

I’m seeing Ryan again Wednesday, and possibly Friday or Saturday!! And I hope to see Nicole and Char one day this week, as well as go to Jillian’s with Amanda!! Wooo, Amanda we have to go! Our skills are just too good. Ryan is getting the rest of his tooth surgery stuff done tomorrow, I’m nervous for him. He’s the best, I almost passed out yesterday and he helped me out. That Midol is really strong. Me and him are going to his friend’s party where you have to dress up like a celebrity. Guess who I’m going to be???!!! LISA LOEB!!! I can so pull that off. Alright, I’m a little too excited about this. Well, I’ll write soon, Happy Easter. And by the way, whoever said New Yorkers are rude should walk down the boardwalk in Virginia Beach and tell me what they think afterwards.

4.5.03 - Why hello. I am too lazy to talk about my life. So, today I will talk about bumming out at home on a Saturday and swishing around in my purple slipper socks. It's been quite a morning. I was out playing softball and all before. This time, I actually didn't despise the American sport as much as I usually do. My teammates think I'm odd because I snort when I laugh and I'm not IN with all the sporty TMLA cliques, nor do I wish I was included. I bitch and moan and this makes me happy. I curse to myself and this makes me happy. I also talk about nonsense to myself, anything to get my mind off the game. So, it wasn't so bad being out there this morning with all the drizzle and cold air. Well, I'm just slipping around the house and this is the closest I get to school-free summer days in Queens, because I'm never here in the summer. Ryan is painting his dining room today. He's a good boy. Amanda is grounded until June for something that she is going to complain to me about later because it has to do with her mom overreacting. And well I really don't spend my weekends with much other people on a regular basis. So that's that.
"When you wanna get out, you get up and walk straight to the door" and that's what I'm going to do. Thank you, Lisa Loeb.

2.23.03 - Break down of my vacation: Blizzard. Skiing. Mountain. Hicks. God-awful-Ski's. Family. Food. Calling Card. Ryan Curry. Pump. "Old School". Rain. DDR. Lisa Loeb. Train. To Sir, With Love. Applebee's. "Dirty Work". More Ryan Curry.

And so. my vacation was rather um different. I've been having these uncontrollable bursts of emotion, whether they be out of anger or annoyance or of just plain confusion... I do not know the source. Lately, I've just been talking and not knowing why I started talking and then trying very hard to finish what I'm saying. Like now. Anyway, I wrote Nicole a letter early this morning. I tried to stay up to watch Christopher Walken and the Foo Fighters last night but that didn't really get anywhere. I fell right to sleep. I feel like adults in my family could care less about what I have to say about anything. Whenever I speak, it seems my mom and dad are trying so hard to figure out what's going on in their "strange" daughter's mind, that they don't even listen the slightest bit to what I say.
Well, I went over Ryan's house yesterday, and we had some fun. I think it was the best thing that it rained yesterday because everything just felt cleaner. The air felt better as we were up on the train platform. I've been having these odd dreams lately and I just think that it would be better off if at night, I didn't dream at all. I wake up and I feel all spent and confused on what was just going on. It's not worth it.
Does anyone find it a bit scary that all these buildings and roofs are collapsing in different places. Then these fires and freaky accidents occur. I don't know. I have a headache. I wish my Playstation would magically become plugged in and the DDR mat would fly open and I could play it right now. And if anyone wants to make some quick money... I'm willing to pay 50 bucks to anyone who succeeds at breaking my arm before the beginning of March.

2.17.03 - You know you're seriously obsessed when you find yourself looking at a site called DDRFREAK.com (and then putting it in your favorites, so you can check it out everyday)... I'm definitely obsessed. I'm going to be playing this game until I'm 90 years old. I've been pondering the much debated question... "Which machine is better? DDR or Pump it Up?" Well, well, well, let me tell you there is no answer to that question. Based on my research: people who are die hard DDR fans usually cannot stand Pump and they think it's a crappy imitation because DDR was the original dance game. Then you have, those Pump fanatics who claim that DDR is basically trash. Then again, there's those who enjoy both.
... In my opinion - There really is no comparison with the two of them. I have DDR at home and I think it's the greatest thing I own. I'm constantly playing it when I'm not on the phone or doing something in my room. I love it, and some of the songs are so much fun because the dances go so much with the music. (Dynamite Rave, Midnight Blaze, Overblast, etc) It's the greatest invention ever. Then, I also enjoy going out to an arcade and playing Pump it Up. I think I like it so much because I go with Amanda and I'm dancing with someone and I'm laughing (and tripping) and trying really hard to do well. Other than that, I mean the dances are different. There does exist a difference in the two. For some reason, I think DDR is more challenging in a sense because there are so many different speeds that you have to be ready to step at in the same song. But then again, in Pump, I notice that it is also similiar once you get to the more difficult songs.
... Well here I am debating this like it's such a serious topic. Pretty sad, actually. Anyway, there are my opinions. Happy Skiing to me tomorrow. Family Vacations. Don't you just love them? (with my cousins also) I'll be sure to have a grand ole time! oh yeah.
Love, me.

2.3.03 - "so don't confuse why we put you here or your automation for individuality"

malaise. what exactly is malaise? We're all victims of it. Yet, it gets the best of us all too often. IT's the easy way out of most situations. IT's also the most unfortunate. The word also looks like mayonnaise.

Today I found out that Mr. Cordero.. probably one of the most influential people in my life (Ryan being the first).. is coming back to teach next year. Good news, everybody!! He's teaching Creative Writing!! So, there's something to look forward to next year. And I'm very grateful. Lisa Loeb is now, in my opinion, the coolest girl in the world. I've gotten used to listening to her songs while doing homework. It helps me be all clearheaded and calm and all that good stuff...
...the adventures of Victor and Denny have been taking up all my thoughts. Amusing isn't the word but it's the first word that comes to mind.

1.30.03 - Today was a fun fun day in the city with Monika. We went on a tour of Columbia University. I really really liked it. I can just see myself going there and loving it. Anyway the rest of the day was.. umm confusing. I got a bit lost in Jackson Heights after I took the 7 train, now that was not fun. I was trying to find Erika's house. Yeah, well that didn't work. That was pretty dumb, but it ended up working out well because I ended up taking that train to Main Street and my dad picked me up. I wasn't in the mood to go to her house after she told me that someone was going to be there. I am not too fond of this person. Anyway. I'm home now and I have a list of shows that I am hoping I am definitely going to attend and I want to make sure that I don't forget them. Oh and to Nicole... Pretty Girls Make Graves have he coolest shizzas. ahaahha.
---Friday - 2*28 - Coheed & Hopesfall (at the knitting factory)
---Saturday - 3*15 - Mates of State (in Brooklyn)
---Friday - 3*21 - GlassJAw (at Roseland)

1.29.03 - Why hello. I updated lots of pictures, you should check them out. You can get a look into my life I guess. Well, in a way. I just have to get more pictures of me and Ryan. I'm taking a midterm today. And I haven't studied a bit. Maybe I'll get to that or maybe I'll just sit around and eat. That one sounds like more fun. I'm out.

1.27.03 - Hey. How could I describe my mood right now? Ryan left a couple of hours ago. Today was just one of those days that you want to grasp on to so badly and just open your hand and remember everything that happened and keep it all to yourself. We went to see 25th Hour (with Ed Norton and such). What an incredible movie. It was just so moving. As Ryan said it was just the way it was presented that was so great. Towards the end, I just broke down crying. It was so unexplainable. (is that a word?) All of the colors in some scenes.. and just the ongoing theme of the music and the acting ... and just everything about the whole movie just fit. I loved it. By the end of the movie my face was all puffy and red and Ryan kept squeezing me and trying to make me laugh. I stuck my finger in his nose and then I felt better. We walked home and it felt like 3 below zero. It didn't bother me the majority of the time, until I realized my face was so numb that when I smacked myself I didn't feel it. Fun times though.

... Another thing. I just read the most pathetic journal of all time and I want to shout it to the world just to see if I'm not the only one who thinks so. First of all, this girl comments on when her personal "things" start and end. I mean I can understand that. Then she only seems to include comments on what she gives does in her little boyfriend world and she describes it too. And I know anyone who is reading is probably telling me to stop whining and just don't read it if I have a problem with it, but you know I just want to say that this really bothers me. And I didn't include any examples because it's really not something anyone wants to hear. I just don't get it really. That's all I have to say.

1.23.03 - Why hello to all you people with horribly pale faces and blank stares. Don't ask? ok. Anyway, I'm in school wooo... rebellion is exciting. I am 17 everybody. I had such a great birthday... my whole birthday weekend was awesome. I also have my permit! And now I can forever remember my surgery because my face is swollen and bruised in the picture! Isn't that just a can of peanuts? once again. don't ask? ok. Well I have to get going. January is such a crazy month. School seems to be most stressful and life in general seems like it keeps tumbling down a hill and hitting rock after rock after rock. It's not always a bad thing. It can actually bring about something that will help along the way. Nicole wrote me the sweetest letter. Ryan is the sweetest guy. Dance dance revolution takes up all my time! It's great. My mom and dad got me a sewing machine! I'm so excited. Hey char, nicole and amanda guess who went to the city the same day we did!!?? The Local 7 LI hardcore crew! hahaha. Jesus how do they take themselves seriously? Well, guys, I find myself exchanging notes making fun of Katya and Alee in Math. It concluded with Katya smelling like Russian dressing like she always does. From Alee of course. The bell just rang. See you all soon.

1.3.03 - "the disco ball spins away another year" what an odd way to start off the new year. The first part was a lot of fun and good times, the second.. well... New year's eve was spent in Bayville, at my cousins' house. I had some fun here and there. Lisa, Robert, and me played some mary kate and ashley sweet 16 and almost cried laughing at how "awesome!" and "like totally cool!" it was. We played a lot of Hunter for Xbox, which was fun for a time, until I realized that it was just a repetition of pressing the R button to kill mummies emerging from the ground. I played some Mancala while listening to the "adults" talk. It was my Grandma's birthday and she looked like she had a lot of fun. And Cake was good so no complaining from me.
...On the first day of the new year I journeyed out to Ryan's. What a beautiful day. ah. The train was so peaceful and my new mp3 player played the hits. haha. We ate some more statisfying food and a nice old piece of pie, while watching Wayne's World and playing Matt Hoffman. wooohooo. what a day.
Yesterday was our 10 month anniversary... so GO US! oh yeah. I met up with Ryan, Greg, Roslyn, Shane, and Will at Forest Hills and we rode the train to Penn. This was quite the day. Urban Outfitters supplied Ryan and I with exquisite shoes and fine clothing. It's just our store. I wanted like 50 things but I had to restrict myself to 2. If anyone wants to get me something for my birthday. Get me a shopping spree there (or maybe a gift certificate would be more feasible). thanks. That would be the perfect present, besides DDR... which Ryan (the Ryan who is way too good to me) is giving me soon and I can't wait!!!!! So, We walked our usual walk around the city and ate at Johnny Rockets, looked in the lots of stores, went to St Marks. Got some good old compact discs (the boysetsfire/coalesce split for me, and indecision for ryan). Ate some pizza at Penn and I sat across from Ryan dazed by his beauty and my gratefulness to be sitting with him eating pizza, just like we were 10 months ago in a little pizza place in Rockville Centre. It's so amazing how much we love eachother. I could never be without it.
...well today (which starts the odd second part) I woke up at 8 and I got dressed quickly. My dad drove me to the dentist (or oral surgeon, I forgot what he would be called). I took an X-ray and I sat in the dentist chair while the distressed assistant put this blinking contraption on my finger which attached to the other part on my upper arm. Then she put on two more contraptions to attach my arms to the chair. She turned my arm so that the vulnerable whiter part was facing them. By then the laughing gas had been on for a couple of minutes and I felt like I knew what was going on and what was supposed to happen but I couldn't do anything about it. I really didn't like that feeling at all. I felt the shot go into my arm and I knew it was happening. It was this really irritating pain that wouldn't give up. I swear I think he poked like four spots in my arm to get to this one vein. He kept telling me to make a tight fist, but I couldn't because I was getting so sleepy and frustrated at the same time. He started yelling at me and I heard him say that my vein popped, which would explain the terribly big bruise in that place. Then he stuck the goddamn needle IV into my hand and did what he needed. I felt it, but I was starting to slip out and I fell asleep in a matter of seconds staring at this picture of sailboats in front of me. When I woke up, it felt like I had only been there 5 minutes, but they said I was finished and I was so relieved and yet so tired that I started crying. My dad said he felt really bad for me because there was all this blood on my arm and over my mouth. The lady said that the anestesia (don't know how to spell it)made me really emotional. Then I don't even remember coming home. I went right upstairs mumbled something barely coherent on the phone to Ryan and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up there was lots of blood coming from my mouth and I took out the gauze and spit blood for a while. I worked up enough energy to go online and talk to Ryan about everything. He made me feel better about it with his e-card he sent me. It was so sweet. I went up to the couch in the living room and watched some new direct tv movies and eat chicken soup, while cuddling in blankets and holding icepacks to the sides of my face. I took some medicine and it's still hurting. I'm still sore, I am talking with a lisp, and I can't open my mouth all the way, what do you expect from four wisdom teeth being pulled out and then stitching up the gums. Anyway, I'll be ok, I'm feeling a bit better as time goes on and I'm glad I got it over with today. Better now than later. Back to sleep for me.
---------much love.

12.25.02 - It's 10:28 am. No one is up. It's Christmas. Last night was a long night. Everyone was here until I don't even know when because I fell asleep at about 1:30. It was fun. My cousin Lisa and I tried to occupy ourselves because our brothers hogged the computer and the game systems. I got so many nice present from my aunts and uncles and my grandparents. I felt so greedy getting presents this year. I don't know why. I never felt so guilty about getting presents the way I felt yesterday. But anyway, it's Christmas. well, My Aunt Margie quit smoking. She looks so much better already. She told me she has her old motorcycle jacket that she wants to give me. how cool is that? It has the zippers and the tassle string things hanging down from the sleeves too. I can't wait to see it. Um well as usual my Aunt Joanne got terribly drunk and started boxing with my 9 year old brother and my 10 year old cousin. It was pretty funny. Then she started playing the drums. My Uncle Danny and my Uncle Bobby were singing to Christmas songs and me and Lisa just sat there and tried not to notice how much they were killing the songs. My dog Buster was so tired last night, he fell asleep on everybody's coats. Milo followed me around and we had some fun listening to everyone yelling and screaming over a vicious game of crazy eights. (You DO NOT want to see my family, especially my grandparents, playing cards. It's the worst if it's hearts or crazy eights. And it could get even more violent if you add in money. whoa you don't want to go there.) I managed to get about 10 minutes of Donkey Kong in while my brothers were all playing this new computer game they got. Food was very good (especially the chocolate pie). I talked to Ryan a bit on the phone... and Everyone liked my room. (I know, I know, It's because it's mine) And it was overall a great Christmas with the family. Today is a day of relaxation. -i'll update later.

12.22.02 - I'm so happy!!! VACATION IS HERE!! I keep thinking that I have to go to school on Monday...BUT I DON'T!!! AHHHHHH.. HOPESFALL is my new thing.. yeeehhaaaa .. new glassjaw merch is up, so I can now get that shirt that some incredibly evil person stole from me and the hoodie Ryan's been wanting for so long..

..Well let's see what's been going on... On Monday I was sick with this really bad burning feeling ...I don't think anyone wants to hear about it.. so I'll just describe it like that. I hate hate hate peeing into cups at the doctor's office. I wish they had caps on those things or something. I never get it into the cup and if I do.. it spills and I end up getting like two drops in the cup. GODDAMN! So yeah. guess who was at the doctor's office when I walked in!?? Amanda ... wow... crazy stuff. My first day of absence was pretty cool. I listened to all of my old music I haven't heard in like a year.. it reminds me of back then. fun stuff. I was dancing around and having such a fun time being stupid. I think everyone needs a day off once in a while, it's like therapy.

...I can't think of what happened on tuesday and wednesday. I found out that Alee was also absent on Monday, which is really strange because we're both never absent and we ended up not being there on the same day. Um, this whole upsetting thing involving one of our friends at school occurred. Rey and Pam were especially upset. They told me something that really made me feel better about myself. On Thursday, in religion class, we listened to the Lion King soundtrack and everyone was singing to it, it was something you don't usually do in religion class. I love the teacher, she's so cool, I don't think she gave us even one real test this year. On Thursday, was the painstakingly dragged-out Christmas Liturgy. I wish Katya was there, we would have occupied ourselves counting how many times the word "welcoming", "peace", and "gift" were said. She's still in Russia though. Afterwards, me and Amanda took the F to the city. I was searching for the hoodie Ryan wanted in Urban Outfitters... couldn't find it. I was very sad, but then we saw these cute puppies in the window of a pet store. And I was happy again. Friday, hmmm at school everyone gave eachother gifts and stuff. I gave some cards and socks to my friends. (They were cool socks) Angelica made me these mini cupcakes that were so good. Pam was filming everyone for a tape she's sending to her boyfriend. The Christmas play was so fucking long and boring. I didn't enjoy it too much. But then the whole auditorium starting singing and going crazy afterwards and that's always funny. Some girls in my school make me crack up.

...Friday night Ryan came in and my mom went shopping while we were in the car for like an hour. I don't think she realized how long she was taking. We got some really good subway! SUBWAY IS ALWAYS GOOD! Then we came back home and played Turtles in Time, watched some movies, and helped my mom with the Christmas tree, because she's psychotic with them. My dad said that she bought three and they all looked exactly the same. Pretty funny when you think about it. On Saturday, I took the train to Ryan's and we had a good ole time. He gave me the best Christmas present I've ever gotten. We watched some tv, played some Tony Hawk (got my ass kicked many a times) and we walked to Baskin Robbins to get a milkshake that tasted like someone shit in the cup and didn't wipe it off enough, so they just covered it with ice cream. (that was pretty gross) Then, Ryan made me the best meal I've had in so long. AHHH I can still think of it now. I ate so much and I couldn't stop because it was so good. It felt so great to be full afterwards because I really have not been eating right at all at home. Then when I came home, I called Ryan and we played pool on yahoo. I don't know why, but we were having so much fun.
...well, I should go. The medicine the doctor gave me isn't working too well, and it's starting to bother me. I'm going to play some Donkey Kong and try not to concentrate on it. Diddy Kong is the coolest.

12.01.02 - Why is everyone so sad lately? Is it just me, or is everyone just so GODDAMN DEPRESSING! Stop feeling bad and Get up and dance, do something fun, play Pump, or sing to Good Charlotte if you have to. Just cheer up for the sake of everyone else around you.
P.S. I haven't showered in 3 days.

11.27.02 - Well, now that I just drank a bottle of Sunny Delight.. I feel like I'm about to throw up. What's worse was when I took the last sip, put the bottle down and looked at the little printed expiration date on the side of it.. Yeah. It said September 2002. That was a good one right, and I was wondering why the orange juice wasn't looking too orange. It's ok, it's not the first in a series of incredibly stupid things I've done in the past few days. I won't even go into that right now, there's too many. And I'll probably start laughing and crying at the same time thinking about them all, because I am so emotionally disturbed right now for no reason at all. I'm not sad, or anything, I'm actually particularly happy (the result from being with Ryan and seeing Glassjaw last night). Today I went on a mission with Katya and Angelica. We went thrift store shopping in Jamaica and we took the incredibly long subway into the city to find the thrift store that never existed. It was fun anyway I guess. They're funny, especially Angelica with her stories. We were eating muffins and brownies in this deli, and we were sharing this small carton of milk with three straws. It must have looked pretty funny. Anyway, we came home with one scarf (and a teddy bear which we didn't even need, but we just bought it out of pity), meanwhile we were supposed to have all our clothing bought and ready for the part of the Macbeth play we're doing Friday. It'll turn out good, everything will work out. (this is me being optimistic) Oh well, Thanksgiving tomorrow wooo. food food food. fun fun fun. I got the play on Friday at Katya's house. Ryan's going to be in it. wooo. Ryan will make anything look good. Go Ryan. So I am lucky enough to be with RYAN on FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! Then, I have Pump time with Amanda on Sunday. WOOOHOOO this weekend is going to rock!

11.17.02 - Sometimes I don't know why I call this thing a journal. I think I just write in it when I have something to say, rather than writing to record what I do each day. Here's a little recap of the week to go along with the journal aspect. The whole week I went to bed late because it has been uncomfortable sleeping with the dry air, the stuffy nose, and the aching earring. I don't want to take it out because then it'll close up. So I'm just trying to bear with it until it gets better. Hmm, Amanda wasn't in school until friday. I never really realized until this week how much of a difference it is when she's not in school. Hmm, the funniest lunch table conversation was with alee, reyenne, and venus... somehow we got into dscussing Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart.. you can only imagine how much funny that was. Umm, my mom started me with these SAT tutoring classes. The lady is pretty cool, so I don't mind it much. So I guess it seems I'm going to be going to these every thursday (for an hour) until april. (which seems like too long of a time for me, but that's just my opinion). And of course, You know the deal with "the same high school shit" (bane). So, I don't have to describe it. MY ROOM! looks great!!! I can't believe how nice it came out. I still have to put up my mirror and put my bead curtain on my closet opening, and put up all those posters and pictures. I probably won't fully finish until the end of november.
hm, what else? oh the weekend. Friday Nicole and Char came in and met me, Ryan, and Amanda at meum domus (latin). We went to Arby's and met up with the chinese rhino child, that was funny. We ate and all that good stuff. Then we walked over to see 8 mile. Which was very good, might I add. We came back to my house, and char and nicole left, and amanda left and came back because her mom turned out to be out partying. (just kidding). So after all that, my mom drove amanda home, and I said goodbye to ryan at the train station. On Saturday, I had a super fun time with Ryan. I felt bad for him, his whole side of his mouth and face kept hurting him from his visit to the dentist. Yeah, that "mothafuck" fucked that shit up. Me and Ryan ate some good old food (pancakes) and watched some good old tv (food network, crocodile hunter). Before I knew it I had to leave. The weekend went all too fast. Now it's sunday, and I'm worried about my dad because he went to the hospital this morning for the second time, with my mom. He has this really bad infection affecting the whole side of his face. I haven't gotten a chance to see him since late last night. So I hope he's ok. (wow this whole "little recap" turned out much longer than I expected.)

Now, the issue that's been on my mind most probably the majority of the time since I heard the news. By the way, did anyone see how funny Adam Sandler was on SNL last night! Ok now.. into the matter that matters. I know sometimes people don't take me as seriously as I intend for them to, but I guess that's just the way it goes. Straight Edge. This is something that is claimed by some, yet lived by few. It is something that is often disreguarded and laughed at by others. It's something that is plain out misunderstood by others. Yet, straight edge is something taken to heart and of tremendous meaning to those who are dedicated to it. Now, I just heard something disturbing. It involves drinking and acting fucking stupid. I don't know just how to explain what I want to say. I just feel angry, they have so much going for them. They act like it's the greatest thing to do. They think it's so much fun, meanwhile I feel like I'm here and they are 200 miles away when I see them. I'm afraid that will turn into their only "fun" and that's all they'll ever do. oh well. Sorry guys. i'm disappointed, and I've learned something. Never to hold any of my friends in high reguard because they are on the same level as I am, and it's too painful when something like this happens. I don't know how to explain and I don't see any reason why any of this is happening.

11.10.02 - oh well. I'm not too sure of the date right now but hey that's alright. Today Ryan came over and he is just the coolest guy. He took the train in and helped me out with organizing and cleaning my room the whole day. Since I just got my walls painted a really nice red and got some new wood furniture from my parents, I had to clean out some clutter and make it all neat and "undusty" (Amanda's language is rubbing off on me, even ryan made up a new word today in the car). He helped me out a lot and I had quite a fun day. We walked to Arby's, which just opened by Francis Lewis, it was mighty good. I felt like we were living together because we were alone almost the whole day. It was so nice.
... You know sometimes I don't understand why most people have this look on their face like "why are you doing this to yourself?" when I tell them I've been going out wth the same guy for 8 months. I just don't see why... because it's the best thing in the entire world. Honestly, it really is. "You're only 16, keep your options open" "you're so young, don't tie yourself down" but there is a difference between tying yourself down and being committed to someone. I'm committed to Ryan because I love him and I see beauty in him that I don't see in any other person. I guess sometimes i think back to when we first met and those first months and how crazy we were about eachother... and we still are.. but it's just so hard to explain.. it's like.. after we got through those first months, we became closer, the kind of closer where I can pick my nose and burp really loud and he wouldn't care... and the kind of closer where things that I have never really said to anyone before.. things that I didn't even know I thought about so much, were expressed and this sort of understanding between us formed. Strange. but I know why I'm committed, it's because I could never leave something this amazing. Someone who is just bursting with everything I love aout him. It's something indescribable, yet I try my best everyday to understand more and more. Sometimes when I walk down the forest hills station steps or I am in the back of the cab coming home from is house, I close my eyes for a second and I think "you know I really love him" and then I know it's at these moments that I do understand. Today was probably a day I will never ever forget... not because we did anything special, but because it was just an ordinary day with Ryan, a day that I found myself sitting down by my desk staring up at him and thinking "this is what I want every day forever and ever"

10.24.02 - My bus ride home... It wasn't one of those rides when you can't stop staring out the window and "marveling at the blue skies and how everything seems to blend in together so well with the trees and the houses and the little people hopping around like bunnies making you tingle with happiness." No it wasn't the type of bus ride when the bus driver actually stops when you press the button that goes ring ding ding. It wasn't the type of bus ride when the passengers sing "praise the almighty lord let's all be friends and actually move when a catholic school girl has to get out and walk home. No it wasn't.
And why does it seem like I'm pissed off? I'm actually not angry about the whole thing. It just wasn't my day I guess. It was the same old bus ride with the same old kids, and the same old urine smell haunting the whole bus, and the same old big fucking black kids, who probably can't even spell, should I even mention, speak correctly,... yet they spend their worthless time talking about me...not even trying to cover it up and whisper...No they shout it out so even the driver at the front of the bus can smirk. Fucking bastards. And not one soul on that bus had the decency to say "you know what, lay off" That is what pisses me off. How everyone just lets it go on is really sad and I'm glad to say that I'm not like anyone I was surrounded by today for those 15 minutes. It was 15 minutes of hell.

9.1.02 - do do doooo. Hey there. I just made a new screen name...it's XrearviewXdanceX.. I got it from this song I heard once, it's called "dancing in my rearview"...it's an amazing song, which is actually very sad. I forgot what it was exactly about because my friend, Kerri, told me a while ago. To be honest, it really is too sad to just mention it and go on to something else right away.

...Well I'm going home innnnnnn 3 days! woooooo. Tomorrow is going to be 6 months for me and Ryan.. We rock. I'm so excited. A few days ago I came in on the train with ryan early in the morning and I headed in to Queens where I met up with Amanda. She has really changed this summer (a good change). I'm glad for her. Anyway, Nicole picked us up with Char, and her two friends madison and colleen. They were cool. Anyway we went into the city and saw Rent and it kicked major ass. If I hear joey fatone's name one more time, I think I'll ram my head into the wall twenty times. They we had quite an experience at this french restaurant downtown and we can't forget the ferris wheel at toys r us. Now that was fun. At the sleepover, we did aerobics and sang to the Hanson video tape, and watched char, madison, and colleen perform mr downtown. what a party. Greek wedding was hysterical and the chinese food made my day.

...Being in Queens the next day for just a few hours made me feel so out of place. I really missed everything there. I never realized how attached I am to where I come from. I can't wait until Friday when Ryan will take the train in and I'll be all dressed up nice to meet him and we can go out and walk around. I'll be on the top of the world...woohooo. fun times for us.

"...don't let them scare you..."

`Lorina`
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