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| "..cause after all, she's a stargazer.." |
8.24.02 - Why hello! I'm alive, everyone! Summer is coming to an end and you know what that means! HOME! I get to go back home!!! woooohooooo... I miss my room more than anything. Well, not Ryan. I feel like the last time I wrote was years ago. My last entry in here... I just remember feeling so out of place in Virginia with all the "softball players" and "softball parents" who yell and scream and wear shirts that say "I don't have a life my daughter plays softball" and I guess it was worth it that I went to the nationals and tried my hardest because I was reassured, I guess that's the word, that this is the end of competitive softball for me.
...I think there's this one feeling that I get everytime I think of softball...it's the feeling of pride and glory... but this whole year I've been getting the feeling of shaky confidence and I just don't want to remember it like that. I feel like if I play again this year...I'm going to be dragging it out and developing this kind of hatred for the sport. Well that's my thinking. And more logically speaking, I want to have more time to spend in other activities and finding out what I really love to do. I really want to start something on my own in my school. I figure the place is just a gathering of people who see things with such a narrow mind. I'm going to start asking girls who would like to express themselves in other ways than in "springtime" to send me poetry, or images, or even short stories. They would send them all to me and I'd include everything in a little phamplet sort of thing. Then I'd edit it all and I'd make a few editions of it all during the year. It sounds like a plan to me, I just hope the "faculty" lets me do it. They piss me off with what they let students know and do. Anyway I'm going to stop complaining about school and teachers, because I'm sure I'll do enough of that during the year.
...Ryan is coming over today!!!! WEEEHOOOOO. He's staying for 4 days and we're taking the train home on the 28th. Well, he's going to go home :( and I'm going to get picked up by amanda's mom, and she's going to take us to nicole's house and then since it is nicole's party...we are all going to the city... "what's going on in the city?" hahaha ...god ...good music.
Me and Ryan are going to stay up late every night and play video games and talk and eat junk food... I'm so excited. I do have a lot to be excited about. I am even excited about school...I know that's really lame... and I am going to hit myself for saying that once I start getting homework again.. but I'm excited about Ryan!!!, I'm excited about Nicole's party and seeing her, amanda, and char, and I am excited about going back to Queens and running into my room and jumping on the bed and blasting fun music and dancing around and being able to walk around and get everything I need, and being able to see Ryan every weekend, I mean it's all so exciting!!!! I LOVE IT!!!
7.19.02 - Hello... I'm in Virginia. Don't even get me started explaining how incredibly boring it is. I never missed my home this much. I'm here for the world series softball tournament. We've been winning and surprising everyone. We're undefeated and I have a feeling we're going to keep on doing really well. This is my last time playing softball with all the girls and I'm enjoying it I guess. I talked to Nicole the first day I got here on sunday. I talk to Ryan every night and we keep eachother updated on the really exciting events of our day. oh yeah...so so many. I miss Ryan more than ever. Everything in existence practically reminds me of him. Me, Casey, Christine, and Jess went to the crackerbarrel yesterday. I'm never going to sit in the smoking section ever ever again. I was convinced last night that I was going to get lung cancer because of all the second hand smoke I was breathing in. Well anyway, we are going to the mall now. I'll try to get back on here again, all these business people keep hogging the computer. I miss Ryan... so so so much. I love himmmm. I can't wait to see him Sunday when I come home!!! HOME!!! I can't wait. Nicole also got us tickets to the less than jake show. Yes, things to look forward to... break my heart and discard the evidence oh yeah, coheed and cambria.. as nicole said..."the band of the summer"
7.7.02 - "strum this broken harp, we were struck by the chords from their hearts, this is forever" -At The Drive In is pretty amazing. It's addicting, actually. I'm addicted.
...Ryan's birthday was on the 4th and I got to spend the day with him. I had an amazing time with him. Today he is going to the beach with his friend, and I miss him terribly. I think he feels bad for me since I basically have nothing to do here in the Hampton's. But, I don't need pity. My uncle gave me enough of that yesterday. "Don't you feel bad that all your friends are hanging out together and having fun, while you're stuck here with your family doing nothing?" Yeah, that made me feel unbelievably good. I'm strong I can take it, although I don't know how much longer I can.
...Well anyway, sometimes I wonder why people get so sucked into info-mercials. (they've been on my tv for an hour already) I think its because they make the items look so cool and work so perfectly that it absorbs the people watching. And then they say to call because thousands have been sold. It makes me laugh. Oh and now, my mom turned on some really corny soap opera, already someone was killed, someone had sex, and a couple broke up. These shows are way too much. The characters are so dramatic. Now they have little kids waving flags and singing God Bless America at some guy's funeral, while a guy and a girl are in the back making out. It's really irritating... who does this??? NO ONE!
...I'm going with my mom to check our mailbox later. It's at the post office and we have to drive for about ten minutes to get there. That's the Hampton's for you. I hope I get a letter from Kaleena or Nicole. That'll be my excitement for the day.
7.1.02 - I'm feeling somewhat content.. and I'm rocking out to Dave Feels Right by Saves the Day.. I'm wondering why they always seem to address Dave in their songs as opposed to the other members of the band.. but I'm mostly thinking of Ryan-his eyes, his face, his voice-just him.. I miss him.
6.30.02 - ...Hmm I have lots of things to catch up on... I'll tell you about everything all during the week. I hate recapping things that happen everyday because it makes everything seem so ugh "oh and by the way" when it really isn't. I could never be a reporter because I have this strong belief that trying to put something in words most often loses whatever value exists in it. Well, I'm not saying all the time... But those people who can capture what they want to get across entirely in their own words are brilliant..to me, at least. Maybe I just feel that way because I always think people are brilliant if they can do something that I struggle with. I'm starting to think that's a bad habit because I think so much of people like this.
...My mom is really going crazy about the cruise in August. I feel bad. Last September I remember she went to some shop to buy 16 pink (fake) roses so that she could give them out as favors for my sweet sixteen. Meanwhile, come December, I decided not to have a party. So, she has all these roses and sweet sixteen decorations piled up in her room. You would not even understand how guilty I feel. And then on my birthday it felt so weird not having a party, or not seeing anybody close to being my friend. So my mom made me pose and she took pictures of me as if it was my big party. She took me and Jimmy to some new Italian Restaurant and it was depressing. But, now that we decided to go on a cruise instead, my mom feels a bit better. Although she's putting way too much of her energy into planning it, I guess she feels she has to do that. She doesn't really understand that I'm not really a teenager like she was... She was the beautiful, popular cheerleader, every guy wanted her, went out with a new guy every week because she felt bad for them, kind of girl. Definitely NOT me... AT ALL. I'm more of the independent, to herself, not anything beautiful, almost mature, into one guy (ryan), weird sense of humor, sympathetic, emotional type of girl. hmmm... she's one of those people who will just never get it. She thinks everything I do or have is "the new thing" like most adults, I guess. I've come to the conclusion that most of our parents' generation must have been all into keeping up with the trends. Wow, I think I could just talk about irrelevant things for hours...
...Well, I started reading "perks of being a wallflower" and I'm really into it. Charlie is so real. He reminds me of myself I guess... actually he reminds me more of Ryan. I think I've always been a wallflower. "I see, I take in, and I understand" Well, you might not agree if you're reading this because my thoughts are all jumbled and off on a tangent. For the most part I do understand... Charlie's teacher told him that he thinks about life too much and he doesn't participate in life enough. I guess that is true about me. More when I was younger than now. I've gotten much better about participating. Participating used to exhaust me and thinking used to get me going. As a kid, it was always me reading in a corner. It was always me talking to my stuffed animals, or sometimes even to myself because I felt that no one else would even consider me worthy of listening to. My parents always spoke for me while I was growing up, and I never used to think what I said would have a matter in anything. I still catch myself thinking like that once in a while and I feel like I'm five years old again. I always preferred watching, observing, listening to anything else. And so, I've come to the conclusion that I am a wallflower. I've always lived to feel infinite.
6.25.02 - why hello. I'm here and yes, well obviously. I got my report card today and I went to school with my new glasses and I think I got compliments... I don't know if you would consider "hey lorina, cool new glasses, you fucking faggot" a compliment...but to me I guess it is. I felt loved somewhat. Well, Everyone bombed the Chem Regents. Thank God I did decent, and in global and math, I did fine.
...Anyway, yesterday I hung out with Kimmie for the first time. We met at Queens Center Mall and took the subway to the city. We're were so similar in so many ways, I wish we would have starting hanging out sooner. We went to St. Mark's and looked at shoes and clothes. Then, we walked to K-Mart and spent about 40 minutes looking around for ice cream and trying to figure out how to pay for our raspberry waters with the self-check out. I was almost a rebel at one point. Then we sat and drank our waters and talked about school, music, friends, and such. Afterwards we went to Barnes and Noble and talked about books and our childhood reading obsessions. I bought Perks of being a wallflower and Kim got The Little Prince. We sat and talked for a while on the subway home. Then we went to the mall and conversed over some strawberry and raspberry cheesecake ice cream. We went to lots of stores looking for bathing suits, playing with toys, and buying notebooks and pens. Then we sat outside and I couldn't stop looking at the sky. It must have been 4 different shades of blue. I kept thinking about leaving after this week and how much I would miss it here. How much I rarely get to spend time with anybody who means something to me. With anybody I care about, I can hardly see anyone over the summer. Summer is supposed to be fun. It isn't when I'm stuck in my summer house and I can't see any of my friends. I'm alone out there. I'm trying not to complain but it's only the truth. After yesterday, I thought about how close I felt me and Kimmie were just by hanging out together that one day. After all, I don 't have too many close friends that are girls, only Nicole and Char, who live too far for me to see them regularly. Plus, I feel like when I do see them, our time is always rushed. But with Kim, I didn't feel rushed at all. It usually takes awhile for me to come around and call someone my friend, but not this time. She's one of my best friends already. Sometimes I just get lost thinking and sorting these things out. I think I might be getting confused again... oh well.
6.21.02 - hey y'all. I had quite the day with Ryan. Hm... I got myself my black thick rimmed nerdy glasses today. ah yeahhh. Hmm I'm so in the mood to go to a really fun show. Fight club = excellent movie, glassjaw = awesome new cd, applebees = cowboy burger, ryan = sexy. well, yes that sums up my night...oh yeah and the best thing about it was laying on the grass in the front yard listening to Ryan's voice, and catching lightning bugs. Haven't seen those in a while. I guess that means it's offically summer. :)
6.16.02 - The weekends just seem to be getting better. I had quite an interesting time at Amanda's party this weekend. It was quite an experience.. The highlight of the sleepover was sleeping in a tent in her living room. It was Amanda, me, Nicole, Char, Justine, and Jen. I'd have to say that we had a very diverse group of girls. Justine -very into her looks and all dressed up, Amanda -goes with the flow and always finds something funny with everything, Jen -laughing at her own jokes and never shutting up, Nicole -with her emo glasses and a camera glued to her hand, Char -wearing some cool outfit and debating which bag to buy at H&M and then not getting one at all, and Me -being myself, but my happy self that dances around and sings in the parking lot. I had a lot of fun. We went to Jillian's and then to TGI Friday's and then came back to Amanda's and watched Thirteen Ghosts. Char had a screaming fit when Matthew Lillard came on. The movie was pretty good, but a little unrealistic at times, like the average "horror" movie. In the morning Ryan and I decided to go to the city. We took the subway in to Grand Central Station. We walked to Times Square, St. Mark's Place, Irving Plaza, the Virgin Megastore, and lots of other cool little stores. We ate at Johnny Rockets, they had THE best milkshakes I have ever had in my entire life. Ah, they were amazing. Ryan and I are bargain hunters... oh yes... we bought our punk rock belts on the "streets" for 5 bucks. Ryan got a black one and I have a red one. He seems to have this obsession with me and red. Thumbs up. (wow I just said thumbs up and it's even more pathetic because I'm not even bothering to delete it) Anyway, Ryan saw a couple of his friends at Penn Station and we said hello. We ate this really good pizza at Penn, and then we went to K-Mart and I picked out my future bedroom color... it's this really nice blue... ahh I wish my parents would let me paint my room... I wish my parents would let me do a lot of things... but anyway. Since I didn't give up anything for Lent, I'm going to give up complaining, yes I am, but it really doesn't matter that Lent passed a while ago because I have issues with the Catholic Church. I'll follow my own rules and just give up whatever I want when I want to. Oh yes, I'm a rebel. wooo watch out. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. ahah I always wanted to say that.. and I finally got the opportunity. Back to the point I never had... Ryan is the best and just sitting and talking with him in his favorite spot in penn station and him leaning on my shoulder with his snow hat and his blue eyes, it made everything feel so right. It made me think of how much I really really need him. Then in the train ride coming home, I just wanted to show Ryan how much he meant to me, but I didn't know how...how I could show him. I don't think he'll ever know... it never feels right saying goodbye to him... I don't feel empty at all, I guess it's just that I'm missing my best friend. We belong together.
6.12.02 - Why do I always find myself saying I'm sorry. Life is too short to be sorry. I'm going to miss Mr. Cordero so much. He told me he loved me since the day he met me. I'm going to buy him something nice over the weekend in the city, when I go with Ryan. I think I'll get him somethign from St. Mark's because he used to hang out there. I was bawling in English today. I honestly believe it was the only class, this whole entire year, in which I have learned some things that are valuable. It's always the good people who leave us so quickly. I feel like I've blinked my eyes and my sophomore is over. It's the truth. I want to embrace every moment of my life because one day it'll all be gone. All this thinking makes me think about Ryan...I love him and I never want to lose him.never ever ever. <3
6.10.02 - It's me, oh yes, I'm back again. Wow, I was way past insanity when I last wrote in this journal, as you probably said to yourself. Well, I've gotten over that extravangza (did I just use that word correctly?) much better than I thought I would. I was talking to Nicole a couple of nights ago...she told me I was missed at the show. That made me feel better. I never really thought I'd be missed by a friend, for some reason it never occurred to me until this week... I could always thank Nicole for being honest with me. On the other hand, Kaleena also wrote me a very disturbing letter. I wish I would just give her more time and effort. I feel like I've been selfish lately by not calling her and writing back to her in what takes me two weeks. I never really realized how much she needs me. I'm going to call her and tell her everything will be ok. Because I know it will. But I don't think I even know that much... I just hope it will. I get confused between what I know and what I want and I what I think I want sometimes. Honestly and truly, I know that I want the best for her, and that she deserves the best. She moved to Florida and she's been there for about a year. She hates it, and people have constantly been telling her "it'll get better"... I can't even begin to comprehend how much it hurts to be surrounded by people-family, friends, and strangers- who continuously insist to you that it'll get better. She's been such a strong person, and just know Kaleena, if you read this, and I hope you do... I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you and I haven't noticed this before. Don't do anything that will hurt you. I'm going to see you in August and we're going to have a great time. We're going to be together like we used to be... and even Nicole and Mand"ee" are going to be there... just like old times...me and you... and we're going to list all of our inside jokes and use up 10,000 sheets of paper while planning your marriage to iron chef...You just wait...
...and I just wanted to say that I love my friends...not all of them...but the few that stand out to me...Kal, Nicole, Char, Camille, Amanda, and my husband Ryan...you're my best friends.... whether you know it or never will...I just wanted to say that you mean so much to me and I love you....I'm sorry I'm all emo, but that's just me...you guys know that....
6.3.02 - Why helllooooooo....I'm in school and I'm taking time out of my messed up schedule to write in this lovely little journal of mine. I wish it would fucking storm but hey that's alright...I'm only missing glassjaw tonight, one of the most amazing bands in this entire world. and I'm only missing out on seeing Ryan, the most beautiful man alive...and seeing him all happy and being all "dangerous". I think I'm going to cry ...but you know what I'm not. I'm not going to cry...I'm gonna fucking kick someone's ass. The next nun that tells me to tuck in my shirt, the next girl that tells me I look like I just rolled out of bed...the next girl who stops in front of me in the hallway to talk to her friend...and the next teacher that gives me a homework assignment that'll take 2 hours to do, that I don't have...I'm gonna fucking go ballistic and kick the shit out of all of them. Well there's the motherfucking bell, I have to get on with my joyous day at school. talk to you later.
5.10.02 - Today is the one year anniversary of Good Charlotte...char, nicole!!! remember that? how happy we were?!! That was one of the best days of my entire life.
Yes, I should be happy, but I saw something today that disgusted me more than anything ever has. I discovered that we, as humans, only feel comfortable where we are when we aren't aware of what's outside of our being. I remember this one lyric in a Juliana Theory song, which I will remember forever... "what you know to be paranoia, I know to be truth" and it just got me thinking... we live so comfortably because of the way we think. We block out everything we don't want to think about, even though it really is there. This is the only way for many of us to be happy, despite the fact that it's all in our heads. It's all what we make of it.
...My biggest fear in life is the fear that I am filling another person's shoes. The fear that I am walking on the road which people before me have traveled upon. And the worst part about it is that I can never be sure if this is true. It's something that can never be known because there are people who hold back and people who lie and people who only tell you things you want to hear. People who forget, people who hold on too much, people who feel hopeless, people who are selfish, people who are unrealistic, people who are self-centered, and simply people who don't care. These are the people of our world. No matter how much you trust someone, this is what people are made of. I'm so afraid that I am just another face in this world of distorted people. I'm so afraid that I've been oblivious to something which has been right there all along. I'm so afraid of being deceived, of being mistreated, of being undeserving, of being less, or even sometimes, of being more. I'm afraid. This is me. I'm pouring myself out. I'm opening myself up, and I assure you I'm going to get hurt. I want to let everything out, I want to do what I want to do. Maybe if I wasn't so pressured into doing the "right" thing or the "smart" thing, then, maybe, just maybe, I could be who I am. Maybe I could be the girl who is crying inside to get out. Only then, would I have no doubts and no fears about my being, and I would discover that I don't fit into any other person's shoes but my own. And I just might be able to lead my own path. And only then, will I truly live.
...To finally discover beauty in yourself. To discover the beauty within which can embrace the ones around you. To, at last, discover the beauty within yourself which can overpower even you. This is the true reason for living.
5.8.02 - Why, Hello it has been quite a while. Let's see... life has been pretty hectic. Today's wednesday and I have a four-day weekend! yeahhh. Softball has been crazy... the girls are all really nice, blah blah blah. all that bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I've been having fun... but wow, sometimes it's all too much to handle. All I want to do is be with Ryan... and I just might get what I want this weekend. My mom and dad have agreed to let him come with us to the Hampton's from Friday to Sunday. WOOOHOOOOO life is good. I'm so happy! Me and Ryan together...for that long...
...Nicole's journal always makes me laugh. She says whatever is on her mind and it turns out to be all these thoughts in one paragraph with no punctuation, and then it goes to something totally different right away. That's Nicole For you... There's no one else like her. And I think I'm gonna pull a "Nicole" right now because something just struck me... you know what I can't stand? I can't stand certain guys who think so much of themselves just because they play a guitar in a band. Just because they can pick on chords and play "punk rock" songs. And all they play are unoriginal emo songs about how much the girl screwed them over and now she's the one who should be crying. AHHH!!!!!!! Think of something that's not so typical. That's what you would call a poser.... that's a poser. DAMN!!! People these days... I can't stand too many of them. What happened to everybody? have they always been this lame? Was it just that I didn't notice? This confuses the hell out of me. Sorry, I just had to get that out.
4.16.02 - Hello. Yes, it has been quite a while since I have updated, but in short...my Easter vacation was probably the best vacation I've had in my entire life. I spent a few of my days with Ryan, and those were the best days. Almost everyday, I played softball, I got to see my closest friends-Nicole, Char, Camille, and Amanda, I got to spend some time with family, I even got a chance to catch up with my friend Kaleena in Florida, and Charlie a few blocks away. I got to see Taking Back Sunday twice with Ryan! The Victory show was amazing, and shows like that always seem to make me happy. The week after...I did get to see Ryan more, and it was all good and I'm sure I would have a lot more to say, but it doesn't matter right now.
....Well, I just got the inspiration to write in my journal right now because of my English Class last period. We read this love story. And it wasn't a love story that was sappy and cliche. It was a story that made so much sense to me. Mr. Cordero is probably the smartest person I have ever met. I love his class, and I love hearing him discuss stories because he is so real and so brilliant. This story we read, it was about a kind of love, which in my opinion is the only true kind of love, but it was a love that these two people shared for seven years. They hardly ever talked to one another, they just exchanged smiles once in a while, but that was it. The guy, he wasn't the most attractive man alive, but he would read all these books and write comments in them about how he felt when something occurred in the story. He would write all his thoughts and his emotions inside this book. And when he was done, he gave the books to the one girl he loved. She also had a love for reading. She didn't go to college because she felt that she could gain all the knowledge she would need in life just from reading books. And so, she read every single book that he gave to her. She read every word he wrote in them. Over those years, she knew his true inner person. She knew the way he thought and the way he felt and she loved him for it. She loved him for the way he expressed himself. Their relationship lived and grew so strong over those years of trading books and written thoughts. They both never even spoke of how they felt, they just knew. And, That's what true love is.
...My teacher told us this..."A shallow person talks about other people, an ordinary person talks about things, but a great person talks about ideas." That is so true, and I just kept thinking about it... Ryan and I are always discussing ideas, sometimes we talk about things, like bands and music and such, but I'm in love with Ryan because of his ideas, and the same reasons why those two fell in love in the story.
Another thing that I just started thinking of, is materialism. I can't stand people who are obsessed with things. I can't stand people who base their success of their lives on their grades, or their awards, their possessions, or even worse how much money they make. That's not what being successful is all about. I once read somewhere that if you can laugh at yourself for doing something stupid, you'll be ok in life. I believe that's true also. To be successful is to be content with yourself and the life you've made for you. It's not about being happy all the time, because that's not possible. However, it's about feeling good about yourself, and seeing things in an overall positive way.
....Wow, I can keep going... Mr. Cordero asked my class if we think love at first sight is possible. Do you know, almost every girl in my class said "no". I raised my hand because as soon as he said that I thought of Ryan. He said that love at first sight doesn't necessarily mean that you fall in love with that person right away, it means that you just know that person and you would fit together. It's knowing by just looking at that person for the first time that there is something special about them. There's something that tells you that he or she is going to mean something very special to you. I had tears in my eyes, I kept thinking back. All I could imagine in my head was that night, it was freezing, it was dark, and I was satnding in line for the Most Precious Blood show outside of the Ethical Center in Garden City. I was standing next to Matt and Steven, they were talking about something, probably something stupidly funny, but then, I looked around me. I saw to my right and my left that there were all these kids, they all looked the same to me. They all talked really loud and thought they were cool. So I sighed...and then I looked just ahead of me and I saw the only guy there with shorts...I was thinking..."wow he must be cold" So, I looked up and I saw him...his face... he had turned around and looked right at me. There was this one moment that lasted for what I thought was more than one thousand moments. When his eyes met with mine, and everything else was blocked out. I couldn't see anything else around me. It didn't matter to me what matt and steven were talking about, it didn't matter to me what that the guys next to me were fooling around and talking about how wasted they were. Everything was beautiful at that moment. It didn't even bother me that this person was holding someone else. Because at that moment, it was just me and him. And at that moment, we shared something for the first time. I knew there was something special about him... something that I'd been looking for all this time, so confused, empty, and unsure. But at that momentm, I knew it was in this one person. After that once in a lifetime experience, it didn't even occur to me that I would never see this person again, it's strange because I knew deep down that I would meet him again. And after a while, somehow, I did get to meet him and know him, and everything just fell into place. He means more to me than anyone or anything. He just makes so much sense to me. Everything about him is beautiful. I never found such beauty, truth, and comfort in anyone before. It was love at first sight, because ever since that day he was standing by the tree looking into my eyes, there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with anyone else. Ryan, you are the person I could spend the rest of my life with. And Ryan, I know you always tell me I can't promise you that we'll be together for a long time. But, I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that I could never let go of you, because you mean this much to me. I love you, Ryan.
"...don't let them scare you..."
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`Lorina`
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