THE CHIVALROUS GENTALMEN
THEY SAID CHIVALRY WAS DEAD
Tied 1-1,
NEXT
do you remember me?
because I remember you.
This past week I went to a camp and one of the things they talked about was forgiveness. "Did holding a grudge ruin your relationship with someone?" And I answered them. I always look back at you, at us, and remember all of it. Why do I constantly look back, why can't I move on? Brian, it's because I love you. As my former friend, I still can't get over it; you were my close friend, and then it ended so abruptly. I just want to get something straight: I screwed up, yes, but I'm sorry. You were one of my biggest lessons in life. It became even more difficult to trust others and let them inside. You were that reason and I should be angry at that but no, I'm so so thankful for that. You've made me feel this way and though it hindered me emotionally it helped me get through things more easily. I miss you. I want to make things right, yet I know this desperate attempt probably won't help. Why why why do I keep looking back? I've made new friends, I've become even closer with the Special People and I've started relationships that I thought I could never, ever have. Yet why can't I get over this relationship? Our friendship that is now broken? It was so much fun with you, Bri. It's scary to confess someone you like them and with you, my fears came true. I still really do want to thank you for everything and I think I was meant to have romantic feelings towards you even though in the end they just got in the way. We should have stayed as friends, continued to be friends; played games like friends do, talk like friends do, confide in each other like close friends do. I know I don't deserve forgiveness and I know we can't go back the way things were exactly, but can't we at least mend these wounds? And if not your wounds, then would you find it in your heart to help my wounds? These problems that I've buried for ages, afraid to get hurt, afraid of everything. I thought I was a happy person but really I was just a flake; I ditched girlfriends for other friends and I ditched my problems for short-term happiness. For those who drink to get rid of their problems, I spent time outside of my house. And I remember that time you commented on Matt's parents; yes the way they treated and treat Matt was and is horrible, but they still love him. I love Matt so much, despite those things. Brian you might not care but I want you to know that I went to a Christian camp and I opened my heart and let God in. You might hate me even more, but I want you to know that now these problems I have don't have to be buried. And even before I went to camp I wanted to tell you these things. I want you to know, I want you to read this. If you can't forgive someone how do you expect anyone else to forgive you? Do you feel heavy with the weight of harboring a grudge? At least give me closure. But is that too much to ask? I don't know anymore. Why am I such a contradiction, an oxymoronic person...I feel this way yet I think the other way. I don't know anymore. Brian, I miss you. You were my close friend, how could I not have fallen in love with you? And now I just love you because I remember you as my close friend. You'll always remain like that in my memory, despite what has happened and despite what you feel. I don't remember what I told you because I've blocked it from my mind, but I will always love you, as my friend from Edmonton, my gaming buddy, my confidant, my tech. And now that I've finally accepted it, I'll love you as my former love, and I'll move on. I've moved on slowly. And I have found somebody, but I will still remember you. And appreciate you and what you've done to and for me. How could I forget you? Even if I block it out of my mind, the feeling I got when you hugged me still lingers. I've claimed many times that I would stop communicating with you, stop bothering you; just stop. But I'm stubborn and I'm Carrie and I can't. Maybe this will be my last message to you, my last...just something. I e-mailed you from here because you never had a clue about this e-mail address and I'm sure there is no way you could have blocked it. I know it's a risk because I'm exposing my full name and you probably deleted it before reading it. So why am I still writing this? Well maybe because there's this hope that I have. Why can't I just be your friend? Because you, Brian, deserve so much better. But you're a good person and maybe just maybe you will have read this, and finished reading this, and you may be tempted to respond to this. And maybe, if I'm lucky, if it's in God's will, that you and I will talk to each other again. I'm sorry,
pretty rad.
After all this time of not thinking about anything related to you, but then having moments alone where I am able to think about the past, I've come to realize something. I've come to understand why you did what you did. I finally know why you had to do what you did, and I want you to know that I forgive you completely. Because I did the same thing, because I realized the friendship I had with others. Because I realized what type of friends I had and I needed to change. And I want to say that I'm sorry that I was like that, that I was one of those people that you realized you couldn't be with. That I was one of those people who hurt you, that the relationship we had was more detrimental than beneficial. That this was meant to be and everything would be okay after. That we wouldn't have been able to grow the way we've had if we stayed friends. Because in the end we weren't really meant to be friends, but for some reason we were for a brief moment. And what was left from that was a mere memory, a memory and a lesson, a lesson that I finally understand now. So I guess thanks. It makes me feel more confident about my own decision because if you didn't do what you did then I wouldn't be where I am today. And in the end that helped me get through what I did to them. And I guess I've finally come to peace with what happened between us. And this will be the final, absolutely last thing I'll ever do. Anyway I'm rambling.
As Hamlet's ghost said, adieu, adieu, adieu. Remember me.
SOME POEMS I WROTE FOR YOU, I'M PRETTY POETIC