Joke Page
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and returned a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the
dead
parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments
later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The
cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said,
your
parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then
turned
to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$620?" she cried, "$620 just to tell me my bird is dead.?!!"
The vet shrugged.
"If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20,
but, .... what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when
he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do
you do this? Come with me running through the forest. You'llll
see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and
goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit
again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think
about your health! Come running with us through the pretty
forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and
all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and
giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel
so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat
the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to
help us all!"
The lion answers, "That rabbit makes me run around the
forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they
end up leaving together. They
get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on
a shelf all the way along the floor,
middle size bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge
enormous bears on the top shelf
along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this
guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one
that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and
actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
She turns to him ... they kiss
... and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy
love. After an intense night of passion with
this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to
any prize from the bottom shelf."
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all
have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86
year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The
receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a
therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in
bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell." "My
dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely
natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life,
the man came right out and asked his
wife
during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come you never tell me when
you
have an orgasm?" She glanced
at him casually and replied, "You're
never
home!"
DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his
secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't
contain their passion, so they rushed over to
her place where they spent the
afternoon making passionate love. When
they were finished, they fell
asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They
got dressed quickly. Then the
man told his secretary to take his
shoes
outside and rub them on the
lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked
thinking him pretty weird. The
man finally got home and his wife met
him
at the door. Upset, she asked
where he'd been. The man replied, "I
cannot tell a lie. My
secretary and I are having an affair. Today we
left work early, went to her
place, spent the afternoon making love,
and
then fell asleep. That's why
I'm late." The wife looked at him, took
notice of his shoes and
yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on
your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR!
You've been playing golf again, haven't
you?"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible
accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn
from his body. His doctor
assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that
his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery,
since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would
be
$3,500 for "small," $6,500 for
medium," and $14,000 for "large." The
man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged
him
to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man
called his wife on the phone
and explained their options. The doctor
came back into the room, and
found the man looking quite dejected.
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man
answered, "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
A Husband and his wife had a
bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The
husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you
headstone that reads: 'Here
Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah,"
she
replies, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here
Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last!"
DRUNK SEX:
A drunk gets up from the bar
and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling
scream is heard coming from the
bathroom.
A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through
the
bar. The bartender goes into
the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk
is screaming. "What's all the
screaming about in there?" he yells.
"You're scaring my customers!"
I'm just sitting here on the toilet,"
slurs the drunk, "and every
time I try to flush, something comes up
and
squeezes the hell out of my
balls."
The bartender opens the door,
looks
in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A man goes to his doctor and
says. " Doc, I have a problem. My
girlfriend is sleeping over
this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is
coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra
pills
to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3
Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your
age. I will give them to you on the
condition you return to my
office on Monday so that I can check you
out."
The man says "You have a deal,
Doc."
Monday morning the man returns
with his arm in a sling. The doctor
asks
"What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody
showed up!"
A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has
only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm
Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketballplayer. The Lakers
need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the
first
parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary
Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President
of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York
Senator, a potential future President and, above all,
the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the
second parachute and jumped out
of the plane.
The third passenger, Rev. Billy
Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a
10 year-old school boy, "I am
old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian
will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."
The boy said, "It's ok; there's
still a parachute left for you. America's smartest
woman took my school backpack."
A German, an American and a Newfie are on death row. The Warden gave them a
choice of three ways to die
1) to be shot,
2) to be hung,
3) to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom He was dead).
Then the American said, "Just hang me." (Snap he was dead).
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him his
shot and he fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered
what was wrong with this guy. Then the Newfie said give me another
one of those shots, so the guards did, now he was laughing so hard he was
almost peeing his pants. So finally the Warden said, "What the hell is wrong
with you?"
The Newfie replied ! "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid there might be something wrong with
her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise
of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied:
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."
Three men, one American, one Japanese and one Irishman
were
sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there
was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly.
"That was my pager," he
said, "I have a microchip under the skin
of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone
rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his ear. When he finished he
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a
microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly
low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided
he had to do something just as
impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and
went to the toilet. He returned
with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his
behind. The others raised their
eye brows and stared at him.
"Well, will you look at
that, I'm getting a fax."
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to
himself, "Maybe I'll
go to that
whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout."
The redneck walks
in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman
and says, "I've got
5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately
escorted to a room
with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner.
The woman shuts the
door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and
finishes his
business. He then realized that that was the best sex
he'd ever
had.
The following week,
the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and
offers
it to the woman. He
is the whisked off in to a small room with a few
benches
and a double sided
mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and
women
alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two esbians
then proceed to make
love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next
to him and exclaims,
"Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good."
The man then
chuckles and says, "You should have been here last
week,
we had a man
screwing a chicken."
There was this really old guy at
an old-timer's dance, and the problem
was
that he hadn't had any sex for a
long time. He'd been dancing with all
the
grandmas all night, but still
hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old
grandma and said, "I'm having no luck
scoring a woman. How about
coming back to my place, I'll give you 20
bucks!"
She says, "I'm willing, let's
go."
They get back to his place and
after a bit of foreplay; they head for
the
bedroom.
He loves the sex and can't get
over how tight she is for such an old
woman. He thinks that she's got
to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance,
he rolls off of her and says, "Wow!!!
Lady, if I had of known you were
a virgin, I would have given you 50
bucks."
Surprised, she says, "If I had
of known you were actually going to get
an
erection, I would have taken my
pantyhose off!"
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his
weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining
enough weight. He then
asked if the baby was breast or bottle fed.
"Breast fed", she replied.
Well strip down to your waist", the doctor
ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded
and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk".
"I know", she said,
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"
After spending the night with young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."
Jacob (92)& Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding & on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in and addresses the man behind the counter - -
"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes"
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism? Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills? Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob turns to Rebecca - - "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!
When you have had one of those take this job and shove it days, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You will notice in small print the statement that " Every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, " I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company !!! "
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, a handkerchief, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did." "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."
"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"
Mrs. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He answered, "To get my teeth!"
Two nuns from abroad have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the nuns points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?"
"I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor.Sometimes the bull wins."
There were three boys all in third grade: a short boy, a tall boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the short boy got an idea.
"I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the tall boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.
"Alright," said the short boy, "Lets play."
The short boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest wee wee wins 5 dollars from the others. And so the short boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the tall boy pulled down his pants. His wee wee was about the same size as the short boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied,
"No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Madonna, Britney and Christina!
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill.
She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a First Happy Anniversary!
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to crap when you hear the price!"
Never Ask A Women About Her Personals!!!
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
Is it in His Kiss? Nope. It's in the Fence
An eldery couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife.
Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes she says I remember it well"
"Ok," he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned somthing about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" the old man says,
"fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."
Why Do Teens Show Too Much Skin?
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row
in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field
right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the
stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?
A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches everyday! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it"
"Why" he said.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said,
"That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God...
It's too late for you...
You've already got the neck and gizzard!!"
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.
He is taking all of her background information and asks her,
"Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.
Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says...
'Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
A women and her three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and she was on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying a taco, She smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then she realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked, and he said "No". she kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me.
"Then she said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
She just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.
So,she asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. She was mortified but some kind elderly people made her feel a lot better, when they stop by the table and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Barnyard Sleep
A scientist, a salesman, and a politician are driving along the countryside, and decide to spend the night in a small inn. "I only have two free beds, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," says the innkeeper. The scientist volunteers to do so and makes his way out to the yard. A short time later, when the others have settled into there beds, the scientist knocks on the door. "There's a cow in the barn. I'm Hindu and it is against my religion to sleep next to a sacred animal." So the salesman says, "Okay, I'll sleep out there then." He gathers up his blankets and heads to the shed. A few seconds later he is back, saying, "There's a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish and it wuld offen me to sleep next to an unclean animal." So the politician is sent to the barn. A minute later there is knocking again, only this time much louder. The scientist and salesman open the door and see that it's the cow and the pig.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability
to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and
faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock
and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package.
It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease."
And you know, she continued... "I think it's working...
I haven't had a cold all winter!"
News Flash!!!
The Death of The Energizer Bunny
Shocks the World!!!
Known best for, "going and going and going..."
passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later he went on a business trip.
When he came back he asked how things had been.
"Well," she said, "our neighbor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.
"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him.
"What did you do?" he asked.
She looked at him smugly and said:
"Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Back to Top
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
Back to Top
An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife has fallen three times this week."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the
wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says
"Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too." but she just drives faster and
faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit
cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer the car toward a bridge overpass
piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything
you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife
smiles and says,
"The airbag."
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and other costs."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see this new attraction. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Pinata'?"
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Uh - Oh... Little Bobby & The Maxi Pads
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.I read the box in the cabinet.
Body Form
24 unscented regular maxi pads
I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen??? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions".
Now fast forward a few months...
It's Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
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Uses for Vaseline...
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some
research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time.It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Well....."
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Well madam, I am astonished with your honesty.
Out of all the people who have completed our research questionaire, you are first to admit using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me, how you use it during sex?"
"Oh, why of course.
It is quite simple really,..
the first thing we do is lock the door.
Then we just smear it all over the bedroom doorknob,
this way the kids can't get in."
~ Sisters of Mercy ~
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks:
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go In Peace
You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy
A man wants a pet that can do anything so he goes to the pet shop and asks the owner if he has any ideas. The shop owner suggests a dog. But the man shakes his head. The owner says, "How about a cat then?"
The man replies, "No way! Cats are useless. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? Hmmm, I've never considered a centipede. Yeah, why not?" So he takes the centipede home.
"Wash the floor," he tells the centipede and twenty minutes later, the floor is immaculate! He is absolutely amazed.
"Clean the bedroom," he says next. Twenty minutes later the room is spotless.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thng I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says, "Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later...no centipede. Twenty minutes later...no centipede. Thirty minutes later...still no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. He can't imagine what could hace happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over? Where is taht centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it..and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man say's, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store half an hour ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"
The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes, okay?"
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Sneezin' Away
An elderly woman is on a plane, politely making small-takl with the young man seated beside her. About half an hour after take-off, the young man sneezed. But instead of emitting the usual "aatchoo!", the young man writhed about in his seat screaming "YES, YES, YES!" before rolling over and taking a nap. The lady found this behavior a little strange, but decided not to say anything. After all, he was a nice young man.
About fifteen minutes later, the young man awoke ans sneezed for a second time, and, once again, writhed about in ecstasy. This time he jumped up and down, slapped his thighs, and screamed 'Whoah, baby! YES! YES! YES!'. before rolling over and taking a nap.
The elderly woman was shocked and rather miffed at his strange behavior, and thought to herself, 'If he does that again, I'm definetly going to tell him to settle down.'
Another 15 minutes went by and the young man sneezed again. This time he proceeded even bigger and better than before. He leaped, bellowed, writhed and wriggled into the aisle of the plane, knocking over the drinks trolley, whilst doing cartwheels up and down the cabin. Fed up, the elderly woman turned to the young man and chided, 'Excuse me, young man! Must you really create such an embarrassing ruckus everytime you sneeze?'
The young man apologized, and explained that he was suffering from a medical condition, 'You see, everytime I sneeze, I have an orgasm,' he explained.
'My goodness!' exclaimed the woman, "So what do you take for it?"
"Pepper" the young man replied.
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The Brain Surgery
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, still asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane,he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered,"Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting...
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
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~ Falling Asleep At Church ~
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
The Pope and Celibacy
There was a Pope who was loved by all men, and when he died and went to Heaven Saint Peter met him with a warm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, we are honored to have you here. Your dedication in seving your fellow man has earned you great respect here, and for this we grant you free access to all parts of heaven. You may go anywhere and speak to anyone. Now is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have spent many years trying to work out the mysteries of the Universe. I have spent many hours pondering questions that have confounded philosophers through the ages. I would dearly love to read any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old. I would love to see what was actually said, first-hand."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to eh Heavenly Library. The Pope sat down and began to read the true history of the Earth. Some time later a scream of heart-chilling anguish rang out from the bookshelves of the library. Angel came running. There they found the Pope, with a look of complete horror on his face, pointing to a single word on an old parchment, saying, "There's and "R" - it's "celibrate!"
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~ The Baptist Preacher ~
There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said...
"HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up!!!
In his frail voice said ....
"SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."
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Cowboy to the Rescue!!!
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk
into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust
from their throats. They stand at the
bar, drinking their beers and talking
quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys.
The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
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You Bet Your A$$!!!
While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there wasa great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business. To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S A$$ SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S A$$ OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A$$
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines read:
NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read:
NUN PEDDLES A$$ FOR TEN BUCKS
Meet Jack Schitt Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree.
In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of NeeDeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Snieola (who really didn't have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father)
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.
Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.
The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company lauched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell like Schitt Down Under."
But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she diceded to hyphenate her name. She became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.
Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.
These athletic brother, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt.
But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals ans "Schitt Creek."
(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)
size="6">Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he's still be alive today!"
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Greetings from Jamaica
A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meer him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he misses one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passes away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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size="6">Katelyn and Connor
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
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Q & A
A nuclear scientist and a blonde are sitting on a bus together. The scientist leans over and asks if she would like to play a game. He says, "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $10 and vice versa." She's tired, so she says no, but he keeps persistng. "Look, then, you pay me $10 if you don't know the answer, and I'll pay you $100 if I don't know the answer." He thinks that since she's a blonde he's sure to win the game. So she agrees. The scientist asks, "How big is the Great Wall of China?" The blonde says nothing, but simply reaches into her purse and hands over $10. "My turn now," she says. "What flies to the moon on Monday and returns on Thursday?" The scientist looks puzzled, and whips out his laptop computer ans searches his CD encyclopedias. He rings up all his scientific buddies and puts the word out to find an answer. Meanwhile the blonde has fallen asleep. Some time later, when he has exhausted all his contacts and can not find the answer, he nudges her awake and hands her $100. "Well, what is the answer?" he asks her in frustration. In silence, she reaches into her bag and hands him $10.
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DOING IT
- Help desk people tell you how to do it, hang up the phone, and laugh at you with their co-workers.
- Firemen do it with a big hose.
- Crooks do it with a gun in their pocket.
- Telemarketers do it with their mouths.
- Physicists do it with a big bang.
- Pet shop owners do it with hamsters.
- Consultants tell you how to do it, charge you a fortune, but never actually do it themselves.
- Spies do it under cover.
- Statisticians are 95% confident that they do it.
- Hackers do it with bugs.
- Mortgage bankers do it with interest.
- Radio operators do it with frequency.
- Blonded do it with anyone.
- Golfers do it in 18 holes.
- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.
- Radio DJ's do it on request.
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Priests in Hawaii
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passes them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking towards them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walked away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."
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The Most Powerful Word???
Well, SH*T...
Sh*t may just be the most powerful word in the English Language.
You can be Sh*t faced, Sh*t out of luck, or have Sh*t for brains.
With little effort, you can get your Sh*t together, find a place for your Sh*t or decide to Sh*t or get off the pot.
buy Sh*t, sell Sh*t, lose Sh*t, find Sh*t, forget Sh*t, and tell others to eat Sh*t.
Some people know their Sh*t while others can't tell Sh*t and shineola.
There are lucky Sh*ts, dumb Sh*ts, crazy Sh*ts, and sweet Sh*ts. There is bull Sh*t, chicken Sh*t, and horse Sh*t. You can throw Sh*t, sling Sh*t, catch Sh*t, or duck when Sh*t hits the fan.
You can give a Sh*t, or not give a Sh*t. You can find yourself in deep Sh*t, or be happier than a pig in Sh*t.
Some days are colder than Sh*t, some days are hotter than Sh*t, and some days are just plain Sh*tty. Some music sounds like Sh*t, things can look like Sh*t, and there are times when you feel like Sh*t.
You can have too much Sh*t, the right Sh*t, the wrong Sh*t, or a lot of weird Sh*t. You can carry Sh*t, have a mountain of Sh*t, or find yourself up Sh*t creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to Sh*t, and other times you swim in a lake of Sh*t and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your Sh*t, you don't need to know anything else!
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The Toughest 5 Questions Women Ask
The five questions are:
1. - "What are you thinking?"
2. - "Do you love me?"
3. - "Do I look fat?"
4. - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the amn does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear, I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thnking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - baseball
b - football
c - how fat you are
d - how much prettier she is than you
e - how he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this questions is, "Yes." for those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answer include:
a - I suppose so
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love"
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answer include:
q - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight look good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct respose is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," asked the wife."What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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>False Teeth
A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him - "I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth."
The guy looks at him and says -"sure you can-try these", and he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair of false teeth.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man reaches again then says, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
"Ok," the guy says, "I have one more pair...try these."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and thank the new found friend that just saved him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid," said the dinner speaker...."Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
"Dentist? replies the guy...I'm no Dentist...I'm the local undertaker!"
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Gone Fishin'
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went into town. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. So he grabs his rod, the pail of worms and his sister and heads off.
He returns home with baby sis in tow and storms into the house. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
"No Ma," the boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
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Ten Pieces of Advice and Truisms
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape...
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship...
"I apologize" and "You are right".
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crown while it's still warm.
The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
Never pass up the opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living will "really is" the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
And Finally...Be really nice to your friends and family...You never knoe when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
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Learning China Speak
(English phrase followed by Chinese interpretation)
Are you harboring a figutive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. - Why So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay awhile longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was schedules for next week. - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Rules of the Road: Chicago Edition
- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Chicago driver never uses them.
- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by someone else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work. Illinois is a no-fault state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
- For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
- Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
- The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Chicago look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Chicago police car parked in the median.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in the Chicago area during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or moce over doesn't mean that a Chicago driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
- Please remember that there is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in Chicago.
- Always slow down and take a really good long look when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.
- Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially the pickup truck driver with the stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Chicago is the home of high-speed slalom driving thant to IDOT, which puts potholes in key location to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- It is traditional in Chicago to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
- Seeking eye contace with another driver revokes your right of way.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
- Remember that the goal of every Chicago driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real Chicago women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye-makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Real Chicago men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
- In the Chicago area, flipping someone the bird is considered an Illinois salute, this gesture should always be returned.
- Extra points are given for combination maneuvers.
- Real Chicago drivers will always offer to drive because everyone else's driving is inferior.
- If you are new to the area, watch the Blues Brothers to get an idea of how to drive in Chicago.
- If you are a pedestrian in Chicago, God help you!
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Top Ten Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer....
10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND THE NUMBER 1 WAY TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER IS....
1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."
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St. Peter
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Book to see if the guy's name there. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm., well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers harassing this poor guy. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor man.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
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Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarassing to me.
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began he ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around.
I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off.
When my husband and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!"
The Judge said, "Me too".
Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me.
He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Monday....
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Quotes to live by
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two week's notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to lineup quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way Republicans were running the country. Which turned out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afrain of vacuum cleaners."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty vilent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!"
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Preacher and the Bike
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal!"
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start.
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, - "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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Pearly Gates
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates srike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second."I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers an toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attace and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"
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Carrots
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.
One at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live....The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life."
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If's Then's
If Kitty carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey!, it's after the 90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G, he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married , in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
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Choo Choo Train's
An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.
Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle...WOOOO--ooo--OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meants or his impending danger.
Predictably, the old boy is hit--fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO...
Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.
His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"
The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
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Movie Theater Balcony
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and notced this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's our name?" "Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
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First Class
On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?"asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her.
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues....
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone shodl be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...."
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The REAL meaning of automobile names:
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW- Bought My Wife
BUICK- Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET- Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE- Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT- Fix It All the Time
FORD- First On Rust and Deterioration
GM- General Maintenance
GMC- Got a Mechanic Coming
HONDA- Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI- Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE- Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB- Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA- Too Often Yanks Overprice This Auto
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW- Virtually Worthless
Little Tommy
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning center. In a last ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was don he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!" "Well, then," she asked. "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
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Hitchhiking on a Bike
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too mucha nd he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvetter found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed,..."and you're not going to believe this....but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
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Baseball Buds
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world. For their entire lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 80 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed way in his sleep after watching the RedSox victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few night's later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that ,yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're the star pitcher tomorrow night!"
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Never Tell Her She Has a Big Butt!!!
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said....
"Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife bacame mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to is wife and said,
"How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She replied.....
"You don't think I'm goin to fire up this big A$$ grill for one little old weenie, do you?"
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Samurai's and Flies
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 peices! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two...." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH. A gust of wind filss the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"
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Dear Abbey
Dear Abbey: I have a man I never could trust. Why he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!
Dear Abbey: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Abbey: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these two words: I'm Gay.
Dear Abbey: I've been going steady with this man for 6 years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?
Abbey: I don't know. What's he getting?
Dear Abbey: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Abbey: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abbey: Are birth control pills deductible?
Abbey: Only if they don't work.
Dear Abbey: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten ound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Abbey: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
Dear Abbey: Do you think about dying much?
Abbey: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
Dear Abbey: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
Abbey: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Abbey: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Abbey: Yes, Run for public office.
Dear Abbey: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I have heard a lot about you?"
Abbey: It depends on what you've heard.
Dear abbey: What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Abbey: Night and Day.
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The Meeting of the Mindless
A man stumbles into the neighborhood bar and walks up to the only other patron in a bar, who is also drunk, and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's ahve another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '72."
"This is unbelievable!" the frist man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '72, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regular patrons and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!"
DRUNK SEX:
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A man goes to his doctor and
says. " Doc, I have a problem. My
girlfriend is sleeping over
this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is
coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra
pills
to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3
Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your
age. I will give them to you on the
condition you return to my
office on Monday so that I can check you
out."
The man says "You have a deal,
Doc."
Monday morning the man returns
with his arm in a sling. The doctor
asks
"What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody
showed up!"
A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has
only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm
Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketballplayer. The Lakers
need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the
first
parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary
Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President
of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York
Senator, a potential future President and, above all,
the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the
second parachute and jumped out
of the plane.
The third passenger, Rev. Billy
Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a
10 year-old school boy, "I am
old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian
will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."
The boy said, "It's ok; there's
still a parachute left for you. America's smartest
woman took my school backpack."
A German, an American and a Newfie are on death row. The Warden gave them a
choice of three ways to die
1) to be shot,
2) to be hung,
3) to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom He was dead).
Then the American said, "Just hang me." (Snap he was dead).
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him his
shot and he fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered
what was wrong with this guy. Then the Newfie said give me another
one of those shots, so the guards did, now he was laughing so hard he was
almost peeing his pants. So finally the Warden said, "What the hell is wrong
with you?"
The Newfie replied ! "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid there might be something wrong with
her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise
of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied:
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."
Three men, one American, one Japanese and one Irishman
were
sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there
was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly.
"That was my pager," he
said, "I have a microchip under the skin
of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone
rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his ear. When he finished he
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a
microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly
low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided
he had to do something just as
impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and
went to the toilet. He returned
with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his
behind. The others raised their
eye brows and stared at him.
"Well, will you look at
that, I'm getting a fax."
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to
himself, "Maybe I'll
go to that
whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout."
The redneck walks
in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman
and says, "I've got
5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately
escorted to a room
with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner.
The woman shuts the
door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and
finishes his
business. He then realized that that was the best sex
he'd ever
had.
The following week,
the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and
offers
it to the woman. He
is the whisked off in to a small room with a few
benches
and a double sided
mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and
women
alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two esbians
then proceed to make
love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next
to him and exclaims,
"Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good."
The man then
chuckles and says, "You should have been here last
week,
we had a man
screwing a chicken."
There was this really old guy at
an old-timer's dance, and the problem
was
that he hadn't had any sex for a
long time. He'd been dancing with all
the
grandmas all night, but still
hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old
grandma and said, "I'm having no luck
scoring a woman. How about
coming back to my place, I'll give you 20
bucks!"
She says, "I'm willing, let's
go."
They get back to his place and
after a bit of foreplay; they head for
the
bedroom.
He loves the sex and can't get
over how tight she is for such an old
woman. He thinks that she's got
to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance,
he rolls off of her and says, "Wow!!!
Lady, if I had of known you were
a virgin, I would have given you 50
bucks."
Surprised, she says, "If I had
of known you were actually going to get
an
erection, I would have taken my
pantyhose off!"
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his
weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining
enough weight. He then
asked if the baby was breast or bottle fed.
"Breast fed", she replied.
Well strip down to your waist", the doctor
ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded
and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk".
"I know", she said,
"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"
After spending the night with young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."
Jacob (92)& Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding & on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in and addresses the man behind the counter - -
"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes"
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism? Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills? Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob turns to Rebecca - - "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!
When you have had one of those take this job and shove it days, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You will notice in small print the statement that " Every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, " I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company !!! "
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, a handkerchief, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did." "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."
"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."
"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"
Mrs. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He answered, "To get my teeth!"
Two nuns from abroad have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the nuns points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?"
"I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor.Sometimes the bull wins."
There were three boys all in third grade: a short boy, a tall boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the short boy got an idea.
"I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the tall boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.
"Alright," said the short boy, "Lets play."
The short boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest wee wee wins 5 dollars from the others. And so the short boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the tall boy pulled down his pants. His wee wee was about the same size as the short boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill.
She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a First Happy Anniversary!
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to crap when you hear the price!"
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. She was mortified but some kind elderly people made her feel a lot better, when they stop by the table and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
An eldery couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife.
Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes she says I remember it well"
"Ok," he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned somthing about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" the old man says,
"fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row
in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field
right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the
stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?
A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches everyday! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it"
"Why" he said.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said,
"That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God...
It's too late for you...
You've already got the neck and gizzard!!"
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.
He is taking all of her background information and asks her,
"Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.
Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says...
'Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
A women and her three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and she was on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying a taco, She smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then she realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked, and he said "No". she kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me.
"Then she said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
She just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.
So,she asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
A scientist, a salesman, and a politician are driving along the countryside, and decide to spend the night in a small inn. "I only have two free beds, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," says the innkeeper. The scientist volunteers to do so and makes his way out to the yard. A short time later, when the others have settled into there beds, the scientist knocks on the door. "There's a cow in the barn. I'm Hindu and it is against my religion to sleep next to a sacred animal." So the salesman says, "Okay, I'll sleep out there then." He gathers up his blankets and heads to the shed. A few seconds later he is back, saying, "There's a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish and it wuld offen me to sleep next to an unclean animal." So the politician is sent to the barn. A minute later there is knocking again, only this time much louder. The scientist and salesman open the door and see that it's the cow and the pig.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability
to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and
faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
"Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock
and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package.
It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease."
And you know, she continued... "I think it's working...
I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Known best for, "going and going and going..."
passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said again.
A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later he went on a business trip.
When he came back he asked how things had been.
"Well," she said, "our neighbor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.
"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him.
"What did you do?" he asked.
She looked at him smugly and said:
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about.
Your wife has fallen three times this week."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
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An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the
wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
"The airbag."
"Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
divorce."
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too." but she just drives faster and
faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit
cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer the car toward a bridge overpass
piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything
you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife
smiles and says,
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico, because labor is cheaper and other costs."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble to see this new attraction. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When it's time to test their system, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him. He falls back toward the cheering crowd, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Pinata'?"
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks:
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go In Peace
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting...
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said...
"HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up!!!
In his frail voice said ....
"SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys.
The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S A$$ SHOWS
PREACHER'S A$$ OUT IN FRONT
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A$$
NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN
NUN PEDDLES A$$ FOR TEN BUCKS In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of NeeDeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe produced 6 children: Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts. The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company lauched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell like Schitt Down Under." But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she diceded to hyphenate her name. She became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt. Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt. These athletic brother, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring: But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa. Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals ans "Schitt Creek." (From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!) When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he's still be alive today!" Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he misses one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passes away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she passes them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking towards them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walked away. One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Veronica." You can be Sh*t faced, Sh*t out of luck, or have Sh*t for brains. With little effort, you can get your Sh*t together, find a place for your Sh*t or decide to Sh*t or get off the pot. buy Sh*t, sell Sh*t, lose Sh*t, find Sh*t, forget Sh*t, and tell others to eat Sh*t. Some people know their Sh*t while others can't tell Sh*t and shineola. There are lucky Sh*ts, dumb Sh*ts, crazy Sh*ts, and sweet Sh*ts. There is bull Sh*t, chicken Sh*t, and horse Sh*t. You can throw Sh*t, sling Sh*t, catch Sh*t, or duck when Sh*t hits the fan. You can give a Sh*t, or not give a Sh*t. You can find yourself in deep Sh*t, or be happier than a pig in Sh*t. Some days are colder than Sh*t, some days are hotter than Sh*t, and some days are just plain Sh*tty. Some music sounds like Sh*t, things can look like Sh*t, and there are times when you feel like Sh*t. You can have too much Sh*t, the right Sh*t, the wrong Sh*t, or a lot of weird Sh*t. You can carry Sh*t, have a mountain of Sh*t, or find yourself up Sh*t creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to Sh*t, and other times you swim in a lake of Sh*t and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your Sh*t, you don't need to know anything else! 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear, I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thnking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this questions is, "Yes." for those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answer include:
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answer include: 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct respose is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," asked the wife."What would you do if I died?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"said the wife after a long pause. The guy looks at him and says -"sure you can-try these", and he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair of false teeth.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man reaches again then says, "I have another pair...try these." "Ok," the guy says, "I have one more pair...try these." With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and thank the new found friend that just saved him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid," said the dinner speaker...."Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
"Dentist? replies the guy...I'm no Dentist...I'm the local undertaker!" He returns home with baby sis in tow and storms into the house. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
"No Ma," the boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape... The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship... When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
Never pass up the opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living will "really is" the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
And Finally...Be really nice to your friends and family...You never knoe when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan! "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two week's notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to lineup quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way Republicans were running the country. Which turned out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afrain of vacuum cleaners." "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty vilent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!"
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.I read the box in the cabinet.
24 unscented regular maxi pads
I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen??? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions".
Now fast forward a few months...
It's Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
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A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some
research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time.It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Well....."
"Well madam, I am astonished with your honesty.
Out of all the people who have completed our research questionaire, you are first to admit using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me, how you use it during sex?"
"Oh, why of course.
It is quite simple really,..
the first thing we do is lock the door.
Then we just smear it all over the bedroom doorknob,
this way the kids can't get in."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy
A man wants a pet that can do anything so he goes to the pet shop and asks the owner if he has any ideas. The shop owner suggests a dog. But the man shakes his head. The owner says, "How about a cat then?"
The man replies, "No way! Cats are useless. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? Hmmm, I've never considered a centipede. Yeah, why not?" So he takes the centipede home.
"Wash the floor," he tells the centipede and twenty minutes later, the floor is immaculate! He is absolutely amazed.
"Clean the bedroom," he says next. Twenty minutes later the room is spotless.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thng I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says, "Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later...no centipede. Twenty minutes later...no centipede. Thirty minutes later...still no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. He can't imagine what could hace happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over? Where is taht centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it..and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man say's, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store half an hour ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"
The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes, okay?"
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An elderly woman is on a plane, politely making small-takl with the young man seated beside her. About half an hour after take-off, the young man sneezed. But instead of emitting the usual "aatchoo!", the young man writhed about in his seat screaming "YES, YES, YES!" before rolling over and taking a nap. The lady found this behavior a little strange, but decided not to say anything. After all, he was a nice young man.
About fifteen minutes later, the young man awoke ans sneezed for a second time, and, once again, writhed about in ecstasy. This time he jumped up and down, slapped his thighs, and screamed 'Whoah, baby! YES! YES! YES!'. before rolling over and taking a nap.
The elderly woman was shocked and rather miffed at his strange behavior, and thought to herself, 'If he does that again, I'm definetly going to tell him to settle down.'
Another 15 minutes went by and the young man sneezed again. This time he proceeded even bigger and better than before. He leaped, bellowed, writhed and wriggled into the aisle of the plane, knocking over the drinks trolley, whilst doing cartwheels up and down the cabin. Fed up, the elderly woman turned to the young man and chided, 'Excuse me, young man! Must you really create such an embarrassing ruckus everytime you sneeze?'
The young man apologized, and explained that he was suffering from a medical condition, 'You see, everytime I sneeze, I have an orgasm,' he explained.
'My goodness!' exclaimed the woman, "So what do you take for it?"
"Pepper" the young man replied.
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, still asking him how she looks.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane,he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered,"Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
There was a Pope who was loved by all men, and when he died and went to Heaven Saint Peter met him with a warm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, we are honored to have you here. Your dedication in seving your fellow man has earned you great respect here, and for this we grant you free access to all parts of heaven. You may go anywhere and speak to anyone. Now is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have spent many years trying to work out the mysteries of the Universe. I have spent many hours pondering questions that have confounded philosophers through the ages. I would dearly love to read any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old. I would love to see what was actually said, first-hand."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to eh Heavenly Library. The Pope sat down and began to read the true history of the Earth. Some time later a scream of heart-chilling anguish rang out from the bookshelves of the library. Angel came running. There they found the Pope, with a look of complete horror on his face, pointing to a single word on an old parchment, saying, "There's and "R" - it's "celibrate!"
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There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
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Two cowboys from Arkansas walk
into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust
from their throats. They stand at the
bar, drinking their beers and talking
quietly about cattle prices.
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While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there wasa great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business. To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper headline read:
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read:
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines read:
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree.
Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Snieola (who really didn't have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father)
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meer him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
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It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
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A nuclear scientist and a blonde are sitting on a bus together. The scientist leans over and asks if she would like to play a game. He says, "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $10 and vice versa." She's tired, so she says no, but he keeps persistng. "Look, then, you pay me $10 if you don't know the answer, and I'll pay you $100 if I don't know the answer." He thinks that since she's a blonde he's sure to win the game. So she agrees. The scientist asks, "How big is the Great Wall of China?" The blonde says nothing, but simply reaches into her purse and hands over $10. "My turn now," she says. "What flies to the moon on Monday and returns on Thursday?" The scientist looks puzzled, and whips out his laptop computer ans searches his CD encyclopedias. He rings up all his scientific buddies and puts the word out to find an answer. Meanwhile the blonde has fallen asleep. Some time later, when he has exhausted all his contacts and can not find the answer, he nudges her awake and hands her $100. "Well, what is the answer?" he asks her in frustration. In silence, she reaches into her bag and hands him $10.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
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Well, SH*T...Sh*t may just be the most powerful word in the English Language.
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The five questions are:
1. - "What are you thinking?"
2. - "Do you love me?"
3. - "Do I look fat?"
4. - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. - "What would you do if I died?"What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the amn does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
a - baseball
b - football
c - how fat you are
d - how much prettier she is than you
e - how he would spend the insurance money if you died.
a - I suppose so
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love"
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
q - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight look good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him - "I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went into town. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. So he grabs his rod, the pail of worms and his sister and heads off.
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If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
"I apologize" and "You are right".
It's easier to eat crown while it's still warm.
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(English phrase followed by Chinese interpretation)
Are you harboring a figutive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. - Why So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay awhile longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was schedules for next week. - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
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10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND THE NUMBER 1 WAY TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER IS....
1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."
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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Book to see if the guy's name there. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm., well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers harassing this poor guy. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor man.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarassing to me.
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began he ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around.
I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off.
When my husband and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!"
The Judge said, "Me too".
Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me.
He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Monday....
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"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal!"
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start.
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, - "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates srike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second."I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers an toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attace and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"
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One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.
One at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live....The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life."
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If Kitty carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey!, it's after the 90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G, he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married , in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
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An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.
Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle...WOOOO--ooo--OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meants or his impending danger.
Predictably, the old boy is hit--fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO...
Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.
His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"
The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and notced this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's our name?" "Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
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On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?"asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her.
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues....
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone shodl be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...."
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The REAL meaning of automobile names:AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW- Bought My Wife
BUICK- Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET- Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE- Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT- Fix It All the Time
FORD- First On Rust and Deterioration
GM- General Maintenance
GMC- Got a Mechanic Coming
HONDA- Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI- Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE- Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB- Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA- Too Often Yanks Overprice This Auto
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW- Virtually Worthless
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning center. In a last ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was don he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!" "Well, then," she asked. "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
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A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too mucha nd he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvetter found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed,..."and you're not going to believe this....but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world. For their entire lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 80 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed way in his sleep after watching the RedSox victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few night's later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that ,yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're the star pitcher tomorrow night!"
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Never Tell Her She Has a Big Butt!!!A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said....
"Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill."
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife bacame mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to is wife and said,
"How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She replied.....
"You don't think I'm goin to fire up this big A$$ grill for one little old weenie, do you?"
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Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 peices! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two...." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH. A gust of wind filss the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"
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Dear Abbey: I have a man I never could trust. Why he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!
Dear Abbey: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Abbey: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these two words: I'm Gay.
Dear Abbey: I've been going steady with this man for 6 years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?
Abbey: I don't know. What's he getting?
Dear Abbey: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Abbey: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abbey: Are birth control pills deductible?
Abbey: Only if they don't work.
Dear Abbey: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten ound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Abbey: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
Dear Abbey: Do you think about dying much?
Abbey: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
Dear Abbey: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
Abbey: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Abbey: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Abbey: Yes, Run for public office.
Dear Abbey: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I have heard a lot about you?"
Abbey: It depends on what you've heard.
Dear abbey: What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Abbey: Night and Day.
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The Meeting of the Mindless
A man stumbles into the neighborhood bar and walks up to the only other patron in a bar, who is also drunk, and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's ahve another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '72."
"This is unbelievable!" the frist man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '72, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regular patrons and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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