MM: This is the greatest revelation ever! I've devoted my life to ALTAiRiSM!

RS: What exactly is ALTAiRiSM?

MM: C'mon MAN! It's like, totally being one with the white hole at the center of, like, the whole freakin' universe, like, man!

RS: Well, that's a broad answer. Exactly who or what do you worship?

MM: Well, off the record... Sparkplug! He's SO dreamy. It's almost as if he's only in the band to attract teeny-boppers! But seriously, we all gather at a church in Tacoma called the "ALTAiR of ALTAiR." We pray that ALTAiR will make an appearance to us and let us throw our naked bodies to their glorious feet and...

RS: ...and this religious following... is it all women?

MM: No, this is the 2K's man, like, there's some alternative life style guys there, like, you know, like. Like totally.

RS: Right, right.

We then interviewed ALTAiR, catching them just before they purchased Japan to reserve the rights to all new gaming systems before their American release.

RS: What do you think of this new religion patterned after you?

Erik: We just found out about it when we went home to visit our family. We are totally opposed to being worshipped.

Aaron: Speak for yourself, there's like 7000 women in ONE PLACE that want to get poked by me!

Casey: That's just like him. Seriously, we're not about that, man. Pass it along to them, we don't support their cause and we're not going to appear at their church.

Erik: Yeah, unless they threw themselves naked at our glorious feet.

RS: Well, they did say...

Erik: But I wouldn't REALLY do anything about it.

RS: Nevermind.

=============

RS: Well, what do you say to your "gods'" rejection to your following?

MM: (sobbing) I have NOTHING, like, left to live for!

RS: Don't you think that's a little harsh?

MM: I baptized my child in their sweat this morning! I may as well smother the child since it's going to be banished to Muzak Hell anyways, now, like, totally....

===============

Yesterday, a cult suicide occured as 7000 women and 12 gay men took their lives in the name of ALTAiR. Reports still show "Manna Machine: The ALTAiR Project" as being number one on the charts for the 60th week in a row now. ALTAiR had no comment, aside from the comment Aaron made, but the rest of the band refused to let it be printed. Since they own Rolling Stone, we are obliged to follow their orders. All hail ALTAiR.