The English Language

"Then you should say what you mean." The March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "At least I mean what I say-that's the same you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!" Said the Hatter.
"Why, you might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see!"
---Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

We all groan when having to sit in school and be hammered in english with importance of gramatical and puntuational correctness, however it is important, if you want to be understood correctly. Don't look at me like that! Would I bore you people? Here are some laughable attempts at the english language.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died and was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husban who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat of do anything untill he know.
8. I am very much annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter: I have given birth to a son weighing ten pounds, I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate any my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. (My favorite quote of this whole list!)
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a difference?
14. I have no children as yet, and my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been ill in bed with the doctor for two weeks, but he doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

"An old, old man once said to me:

'I've dug a well at the top of a tree

I've found a nest in the caspian sea

I've caught a fish in a cup of tea

I've put some sugar in the air

I've seen a kite inside a pear

I've found a worm with 12 false teeth

I eat my meat with a holly wreath

I decorate my home with cheese

I catch the mice upon my knees

I do declare the truth you'll see

If you puntuate this carefully'."

Can YOU understand what the old man was really trying to say?

back
HOME