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DIARY ENTRY 6-29-99
My life is funny. Especially the people in it. I have had to realize that life does throw some painful realities at you and they test your strength. I have had to test my strength and realize I'm a whole lot more sensisitive and emotional than I thought I was. The things that go through my head everyday are like thousands of pins being stuck into my head. They hurt so much and all I really want in life is to find that someone. That one true love that will love me for who I am and not for my body. It makes me sad to realize that all the people I envy and all the people that mean the most to me in my life end up despising me or never giving me a chance to show the real me. I love so many people with a passion but I know forever in the back of my head that I will be alone. I'm alone in this world and you know what? I'm really lonely. I just wish that I could find a friend that will be a real friend. Anything that I want a friend to be I try to embody that so in a sense, I'm the friend that I never had, and will never have. I need to get away from things. Things are becoming all too familiar to me and I think I will end up going insane. I try to hide all these things, bottled up inside of me. I try to show the world and the people in it that I'm just a regular person so treat me that way but I know I'm not, I know I'm different. I miss when I was little, when things like this....didn't matter to me. All that mattered to me was that I had my best friend with me. But now its like all this stress and pressure is put on me. Whether to have sex, do drugs...etc. I just don't know much longer I can take this. I love......so much but I know he is only using me. I know I shouldn't love him at all and thats the sad part. I'm scared of what will become of me. I'm scared of becoming the person that I so dearly hate...

vile substance, putrid being . with hatred you come forth yet how can such a horrible entity bring relief into my life? my silly little fucking life? i have hated you from the day i layed my innocent eyes upon your coldness. my image altered, my eyes have changed. i grew up and somehow throughout it all, i accepted you. i now feel a need to come to you for some comfort. some relief from my meandering meaningless problems. yet you manage to steal somthing from me. which can never be replaced. my sense of understanding, my innocence or even my consiousness.you steal from me and rape me of the things the little joys i may withold. you steal people's dreams, hopes with ome sip it all goes away? quivering throughout your body and you still think it provided relief....sigh...things will never change. so just think, one more hit eh? yet time and time again. i let you strip me a this joy that lingers in my mind which i can never have. i have proven weak to you. my father, mother, sister. yet with each breaking minute you are in my grasp and the reality you show me. my insecurities you make seem as if never existed. yet my eyes do not learn. for however much i wish i was to of never come across you. things like you cannot change. i cannot change back . yet with all this pain you bring, i keep finding myself at your feet. yet again.

have you ever wanted someone so bad that it seemed like the core of your existence was only fufilled when then were around? you dreams seemed to circle around them, and yet throughout all your struggles they seemed to always never notice. funny how life works huh? things that are so close but so far. waiting waiting waiting for that one moment. because thats all life is. a series of moments and why not try to make each moment the best it could possible be. BREAK laws, break rules, have fun. god wouldn't that be awesome if we could all live like that. but maybe im just dreaming. heh, as usual. oh well thats the only way you can get through it all. when your dreaming life seems to flutter by like the wind. so whatever pain you might endure dreams always help you through. whatever the fuck am i talking about?? hahah i talk so much. half the time about shit i don't even know. i always do that. i always slip into some conversation with someone and totally lose it and by the end of the conversation i wont realize i was ever talking. maybe im going crazy at such a ripe age of 15 hahah. oh well, all you out there who are reading my god forsaken page. you probably think that i am crazy, you know what i have to say? AWESOME! but stop attacking me and trying to get into my head because you will get lost. believe me i get lost all the time. so before i go on ranting forever about nothing at all that is important. im just warning you now that im not your ordinary conventional 15 year old girl. well im sure you prolly have detected that by now huh?

days passing. i barely take notice anymore. everything sees the same. i can barely decpiher from each and yet i feel like im drifting into some piece of literature that i just read. calling out for help yet its in some foriegn language that only one other person holds the key to. yet he knows not that he has this. oblivious to such blatant things and i cannot futher in my operation. my helpers all aiding me along my way, yet the only person that can help me is me and thats what sucks. i can barely take this anymore. each day passing with such agony. barely concentrating on anything. cant focus and how can you call this by such a sweet name, for it is nothing of the sort. its suffering. or at least through my experiences. rumours floating around, they humour me. yet in the same time they hurt me. such lies and people believe them, but as long as i know the truth its all good huh? i just wish. i just wish that i could finally stop wishing and shit would finally happen for me. im tierd of waiting around. tierd of the one always being there. and then getting stabbed right to my face. whats the point of this. and yet people manage to say these are the best years of my life. my question to them. what the hell are you smoking?

a tear falls. breathing becomes hard. holes drawn, yet its so much more that a hole. i feel like im dying and why should i feel this way? what is worth this. sadness. lurking behind everything. happiness a cover-up. falling into the void. its all in the way you see things. but there is no light at the end of this tunnel. just being lost in the darkness. reaching for a hand that does not exist. feeling for the lightswitch on the wall that will make all the glowing eyes dissapear, yet the are all a figment of my imagination. bright blues and reds flutter by and im lost in a dream. for my dreams are even being invaded and they are no longer sweet. just the face of... again again again. its haunting me and why do i feel this way. no names no names. my secret is safe with me. wishing i was in paradise wishing i was older. wanting to know what lays in the stars. what is there that will unfold for me. perhaps some luck that is not bad. trouble. i need to stay away from. yet im so naive i can't help it. build my shelter of protection away from any attacks yet they find a way to my sanctuary. believe, just wanting to believe. and just waiting as always. i need to realize this is wrong. stop making tears fall over something that is wrong. and no matter how much i try. how much i know what is right i just can't help it. its like being a marionette and getting yanked around. having no control over what you say or do or even feel. they just come out. words that i shouldn't say. feel that i should definitly not feel but why can't i stop thinking about....addiction to problems. addiction to whats wrong and all i want to do is stay out of it. but i just can't fucking help it.

so i let it happen again, i fucking let it happen. why am i so stupid at some points in my life. i don't even know where my mind is. i let myself become vulnerable again. AGAIN. when will i give up. i love too eaisly and i get heart broken. i waited a year. i year. what is wrong with me? why in a year couldn't i see that his desires rested not in me but in someone else. someone else unspoken of. how could i have been decieved for so long. was it my fault for being too caught up in a fantasy that was that and nothing more. or was it him who flirted with me and actually made me feel special even if he didn't like me? am i just a center for heartbreak? i swear to god im so hardened by the whole process of like and/or loving someone. im so emotionally drained i dont even know what to do anymore what will i do with myself now? i know i shouldn't talk to him anymore. i know i shouldn't make myself endure what im enduring yet i can't stop. this is where i become weak. i can't fucking stop talking to him. is it his face (prolly) or his personality? is my fantasy true or is it just deception. now when i look upon his face the inside of me feels like it is on fire. not like the desire that once burned but hatred. im better than this i tell myself. or am i. am i supposed to be subjected to this unworthiness over and over and over again??? why should i even try anymore when time and time again i prove not to be good enough. this year has passed by ever so slowly. at once my heart jumped at the sound of his name and now a i dread it. ive been successful at keeping my distance (was it really my choice?) and yet i fear seeing him again. i know that i will prolly turn into some stupid girl that will gaze into his eyes and fall deeply into an infatuation again. but i guess this is all part of growing up. you have to take the good with the bad. but honestly, GOD, how much more bad are you going to give me?

so ive realized that im disliking my friends more and more. i feel like im being sucked into this superficial void that ive been trying to dodge. i mean yeah i have met cool people this year. actually more than usual but i find myself searching for more. i dont know what it is. im lost as usual i guess. i also wonder if im the only normal one in a world of weirdos or the opposite. i mean i find myself being mean in reaction to other peoples stupidity but i wonder if i should censor myself. i mean whatever. im just tired of this place. im ready for a new environment. im tired of the same ol' shit with the same ol' people causing me the same ol' problems. yeah sometimes the problem changes to different people and the situation is a little different but im drawing more and more likenesses to them. i need new people. i need some excitement. you can only party with the same people so many times before it becomes a bore. sigh....WHINE!!

easily i fall again, why must i be this way? so uhm. yeah I LIKE YOU. god that feels great to get off my chest. im not even over the last "him" and yet i find myself falling for you already. how can this be true when i told myself im not doing this whole mellodramatic ordeal again. i haven't even realized i like you and yet im already jealous. how can i do this again but i feel like you'll be different. how? why? i do not know. maybe its just my obsessive compulsive disorder to want to be loved. maybe i want too much. what will you bring into my life? some more pain, which i can no longer endure. or perhaps relief. will you be my oasis in this desert heat? will i sacrifice everything i hold dear just to be perfect fo you? who am i really? i find myself conforming so easily for someone else's benefit. this time are you going to sacrifice something for me? i have only my heart to give to you and maybe it wont be enough as it has proven not to be. maybe you'll make me feel good about myself for once. maybe you'll show me i deserve to be loved too. maybe you'll be a lot of things. just maybe.