Part 7


Life has no order, in general. Look at how I'm feeling inside inside. It's chaotic. There's no sense of order.

That's why we make rules, to put a little sanity within the chaos. That's what we try to do, at least.

I don't understand any of it. I desperately try and connect those floating dots of logic, but I end up with a disturbing figure every time, and at times I feel like I can't, not anymore.

But I do accept that fact. I have no other choice.

Life has no order.

I didn't mean to drop in on their conversation. I didn't expect anyone to be in the studio that early, not Lance and most certainly not Justin, he was never early, I'd always be the one to call him at our house just to wake him up two hours after I arrive, so to me this sudden change of constitutionals was to say the least, confusing. I look at my feet, just saying his name in my head. It wakes up the hope inside me. Something I should really not be feeling at this point.

I'm not over him, over us..

But I soon recover from the feeling once I catch that viperous tone from Lance.

"No one appreciates being taken for granted, Justin."

"I know." Came my former lover's quiet reply.

"Then WHY? Why did you sleep around, when you knew perfectly that JC didn't play such games. I think he wasn't even playing at all Justin, the man was obviously head over heels for you.. Joey. He told me that you slept with Tony, I think that was the final straw."

"I just need to feel wanted,"

"Have you lost your mind?! Where have you been the entire time?!! You were wanted!! Were you insecure with him..?"

"I never seem to know what he's feeling and thinking. It scared me to death Lance. It's like one day he'll decide he doesn't want me anymore and I can't take that."

"So, you hurt him first."

"Yes..."

"There was no need. You just gave him a reason to hate you."

"I just love him too much.. I love him senseless.. I didnt.."

"Now look what you did, beautiful one.. A broken friendship, a painful break-up all under your belt, when you could have avoided all of it. You should have given JC a chance to prove his worth before all this."

I could sense the hint of dismay in Lance's voice, that wasted feeling riding on every word. Indeed everything was a waste, but there was nothing to cry over. Nothing was left to save. It was something irrevocably disheartening.

It makes me wonder if there's anything left of us at all.

I was pining to hear more from Lance but I couldn't, all I really could pick out from Justin's loud crying was.'miscommunication.'

I couldn't be bothered. I shouldn't be. But then again why did I feel like embracing him.

But I can't, not anymore. It was not my place.

I cleared my throat and straightened, staring through the glass, my gaze landing nowhere but the wall they both leaned on. They both looked surprised and Lance backed away slowly and looked at me. Lance greeted me politely, and I greeted him back, civilly. Joey's beloved. How lucky Joey was that he found such a pure soul. Without that inborn lust and that innate liar that poisons everything. Not like me, not like Justin. Not like any of us.

One in a million, Joey was very lucky, and he knew it.

My thoughts returning to the present and I caught Justin looking at me.

I didn't wait for Justin to say anything; I don't want to see him cry.

Deep inside I hate myself for making him shed those tears.

I turn around. I feel his eyes on my back.

I walk to the piano and started playing. No particular song in mind. Just playing.

Playing out whatever note I could and make music out of it. If only the world weaved itself like music, when every note falls into place after you set down the rhythm. Life was never like that, it always defied the plan.

I guess that's what makes it worth living for, at times.

Through my mindless music making I heard a soft, imploring voice slice through the mindless sounds that echoed within the studio. Mindless.

That was how I felt without even knowing why, without wanting to know why. Except for my accusation.

"Lance's going to meet Joey for breakfast."

I nod. But I felt Justin sit on the stool next to me, facing me, breath so close it landed on my neck at some obscure distance, that fallible angle that made me feel. something other than the angst I've been feeling for the last 48 hours.

"How are you?"

"Okay."

I didn't even ask him how he was. How cold of me.

"Josh..please look at me."

I oblige, I saw his eyes, he was sorry he even asked me that. I knew how my eyes appeared before him. They were distant, but deep inside I was surprised, as Justin's eyes were so expectant, they were loving.. kind and soft. I blinked and managed a weak smile, looking at him with less conviction and more expectation.

I couldn't help but blink back, threatening tears. Yes, he could still stir in me those impromptu emotions, and those I cannot control. I felt so much for him. still.

His face flickered through a lot of emotion before finally he settled on what seemed to me was a pretty smile, that kind I first fell in love with.

I managed a civil smile and was able to spew out a low _expression of welcome. concern. I don't know. Suddenly I feel my heart racing.

"Justin.. your eyes are red." He closed his eyes and leaned closer, resting his temple on my shoulder, and I felt him tremble against me.

"I've..I've been crying.."

"Wh.." Shut up, JC!! You idiot!

"Over you."

"I miss you, Josh.. I'm sorry.. I just..."

I stayed silent, this wasn't the conversation I was aiming for, I could just see myself melting for him, in his arms again..but what can I do? It pains me to see him this way.. I want to..

"I would do anything! Anything that'll make you forgive me.. I swear. And I'll stop sl..

"Justin."

He lifted his head.

His blue eyes which once shone so brightly.. were now red and puffy.

Then he leaned closer.

And closer.

Until his lips met mine. Just soft flesh, laid against one another, feeling through the skin, and I could feel myself giving in.I wanted to scream..

*Don't touch me! Stop playing with me!*

But my lips stayed that way.against the warmth, I could feel his taste seep inside me and I leaned closer, closing my eyes, until the salty taste of tears graced our lips.

I lifted my hands gently to feel Justin's face and wipe away his tears, when I noticed his cheeks were dry.before long I felt Justin's hands on my face smoothing over a warm feel of water down my cheeks. My eyes stung, they remained close.

And this time, it was me who was on the verge of breaking.

Despite the heartache, the indifference, the struggle to break free.

A matter of sense and a matter of loss. Separation was some strange entity indeed and I felt the emptiness of not being with him for the first time. I wish to whichever god was there that Justin felt it too.

Our lips parted and I did not dare open my eyes, gasping as I felt his lips softly on my eyelid. I tried stifling a sob, but it escaped my lips nonetheless. He held me closer, and I cried quietly in his arms.

His lips seemed to lessen the pain of crying, and the softness in his touch as he held my nape was tragic and beautiful at the same time. The loss of him hit me, fully.

And I felt so close yet so far from him, because no matter how close he held me, there was nothing between us now.

I had ended it.

My silent suffering disturbed as he slowly tilted my face, I had my eyes closed still, and I felt his lips on my chin.

"I still love you. Please."

He kissed my lips.

".another chance..I'm begging you.."

Not again. Those words.. they sounded so familiar.

"you don't have to answer now.. just save a place in there for me." Justin patted my chest.

Of course Justin, you're the only one. But I had no absolute answer in my heart. My head and heart spoke differently. Caution won over logic. but for how long?

I nodded, dumbly and was crestfallen. My forehead now resting against his forehead, before I started crying again.

I didn't mind the vulnerability; for once that mantle of leadership was set aside. I'm human too.

The world is chaotic.

As I lay in my cold room, on my cold bed. I pondered on the chaos. I'm only human and I can only pluck out the sensible things by sheer luck and a little faith.

The world is chaotic. That's why we make rules.

The human heart is another phenomenon.that's why we break the rules we made in the first place.



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