It's never easy running from the pain or the truth. When I woke up, my spine hurt from being bent into a foetal position, keeping away the cold, sleeping away the loneliness. I guess I've always felt lonely. Even when I was with Justin, I've felt it. Though being with him eased the bite for a little while. Moments like these make one think of faults, now I'm thinking maybe it's me who did something wrong. But it's done and I'm here. There's no where to go but forward and I'm slowly dreading rehearsal, but I am the leader, serious one. Sort of. Though we are a group, my role is pivotal and I may sound sadistically egotistic but I do run the show most of the time. With Justin that is. Selfish, JC, selfish. Then my silent misery shattered once I heard a knock on my front door. I tip toe to the door, making my feet, though covered, make minimum contact with the cold wooden floor. I peek through the peep hole and see a mass of brown hair. I breathe in, and open the door, creeky-frint-sliding-door making me frown. I need to fix that soon. I nod affirmatively as I gesture Joey to come in. He wasn't in the mood for any chit chat, he had that serious look, and puffy eyes. Indicators that he became Justin's sounding board last night. And the puffy eyes indicated that he hasn't had sleep, which makes things worst. "He cried all night." Was his quiet greeting. "It'll pass." "You don't care?" "I do, though, I no longer feel the need to be his champion. " "Ending it made you happy?" "No, but it makes sense." "You give up easily, JC." "Don't say that." "Why not?" "Did you ever once consider how I feel whenever Justin kisses, makes out, fucks another person? How small I feel inside, how my self respect crumbles because I just don't say anything? Don't tell me I give up easily Joe, because I've waited for Justin for so long , I gave him all the chances he wanted. Is it wrong to at least give myself a chance to salvage whatever little self respect I have left? Is it so wrong for me to acknowledge my pain and do something about it, when obviously nobody else would?" I was ranting. Crumbling. But not shattering, within.just my walls. Joey quietly and slowly nodded. He had known my pain but stayed quiet and neutral. In the world we moved and breathed in, monogamy was rare. This industry moved in indecisive circles, we both knew that and the look in his face told me that I should have never expected much.because these things happen, because they do. A reason wasn't necessary. I expected too much from a relationship based on premises I should have mastered. I was looking for something real, in a virtual menagerie. "You expected too much." Joey finally voiced out those words. "I know." "It isn't Justin's fault, not yours either. A high profile couple like the two of you should expect these things. You took things too personally JC.. A lot of the things we do, they're not all real." "I know that. But I was looking for that reality, I wanted love Joe, the real thing, not sex, not a show. Just love, and the security that goes with it." "You are secure with Justin! He'll never leave you. Not like what you did to him no matter how many partners he has outside of your relationship... and this is the fucking music industry! The pop stardom life that comes with it. But nothing's personal... Nothing. At the end of the day, he goes home to you. That's all that matters." I quietly shake my head, not realizing that my feet were cold. "I don't expect you to understand Joe, I wanted a reality beyond the shows, after the lights die and the crowds go home, I wanted Justin to be there. Joey, our shows are rock and roll, but our lives outside of it..it's supposed to be real and I wanted Justin in it, but it wasn't meant to be." "Selfish." I wanted to cry, make him understand. "If you can't see it from my point of view, then at least hear me out.I made Justin my life, planned things around him, dedicated every breath to him, made myself believe that he loved me just like that as well. He was my entire world. Then one day I woke up, and he slept with Tony. My best friend." I let it all out.. the frustration.. the pain. Basking in the surprised look in Joey's face. "Then everything fell apart. Don't lecture me about the life of a celebrity, about the fickleness of the industry. I know the limits of performance and what's real. Sleeping with other people like us, is something I can forgive, maybe even forget. As fucking insane as that sounds. But he slept with someone I've known my entire life, my best friend. It doesn't get anymore real than that.. Tell me Joe, I'm standing here in front of you. Am I that evil? Emotionless?" Joey stood there calm, but his eyes were panicking, deciding for an emotion. Within the band he's my best friend, someone who rode my brain waves, I knew he was hurt that I am hurting, I knew he cared, and now I'm glad he knows both sides of the story. "Oh, C.." he stepped forward, it was the only sound he could manage. I stepped back, and nodded understandingly. He wanted to hug me. I can't break down, I don't want to feel at this point, If I let him hug me, I'll cry and I fear that I may never stop. "It's okay Joe, things happen. It isn't anyone's fault at this point. Not mine nor Justin's, we act and react. It was just me acting and reacting." I tap him lightly on the shoulder. "I'll see you at the studio later." He nodded. And I stepped on the side to let him pass. As he exited the door I quietly called out his name, watching him turn slowly to look at me. "Thank you Joe, for talking to me." He smiled sadly. "Id make things better for you and Curly if I could, C.. but I can't, I can only promise you I'd take care of the person I love, and spare that person from misery. Treasure the real things we have." I nod. Lance is very lucky... and so is Joey. "Then you and Lance have the battle half-won." He smiled. I nodded lightly then closed the door. My new home is dark, even when morning light spreads across the landscape in total dominance. I close my eyes and swallow a sob swelling in my throat. I have to be strong. I made a decision last night, and I know it was the right one. A consolation. I rub my eyes before preparing for my morning shower. It's too early in the morning to cry. So I don't.