Lance was thinking hard, what could he or Joey have done that was affecting his band mate so badly? He tried to think of everything he had done or said to JC over the past few months and quickly realized that he hadn’t said more than two words to him in all that time. But he still couldn’t think why JC was so upset. He decided to try and talk to Justin one more time. “Justin” Justin looked up from staring at his hands and stared at Lance. “What?” “Justin please tell me why JC is so upset” “I can’t but you’re a smart guy, you figure it out” “I’m trying but I haven’t said or done anything that I can think would make him unhappy with me” Justin sighed softly and said so quietly that Lance had to strain to hear it “Talk to him” Lance got up and walked towards the bunks, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. As he neared JC’s bunk he could hear little sniffles and the shuddering intake of breath that comes from crying for hours. He pulled back the curtain, saw JC and gasped in horror. He had one of his pant legs pushed up to the knee and he had a maze of small cuts littering his calf. Some old and some brand new, he had a razor in his hand and was just about to make another cut when he looked up and saw Lance. “JC” Lance started to cry and JC sat frozen like a rabbit in headlights. Lance reached across and gently took the razor from his hand. He told JC to scootch up and then he sat down on the bunk next to JC. The older man looked terrified and moved as far away from Lance as possible, his back pressed up against the wall. “JC what’s wrong?” JC shook his head violently and when Lance reached out a hand to touch him, he visibly cowered. Lance moved closer and JC had nowhere else to go. Lance reached out a hand again and touched JC’s face, JC closed his eyes as everywhere that Lance touched felt like it was on fire, he made a small whimper and started weeping fresh tears. “JC why are you doing this to yourself?” “Because I deserve it” “What? You can’t have possibly done anything bad enough to warrant cutting yourself” “You don’t know” “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you more and I swear that will change but please talk to me” JC looked up and straight into Lance’s eyes, which were shiny with tears “Do you love him?” Lance looked surprised and cocked his head to one side before saying “Yeah I really do” “Please leave now” “JC” “I said leave” Lance got up and left the bunk, walking back to the front of the bus in a daze. Everybody stared at him waiting for an answer but he didn’t know what to say. Joey spoke first and as Lance sat down he reached for his hand. “Lance what did he say?” Lance burst into uncontrollable tears and Joey held him to his chest, stroking his hair and shooting questioning glances towards Justin who just looked down at the floor. Lance’s sobs started to subside and in a shaky voice he said “He’s hurting himself but he still wouldn’t tell me, just asked me if I love you” Justin looked up sharply and stood up as he walked to JC’s bunk he shot back to Lance “Were you born stupid or is it something you learnt?” Joey shot a warning glance at Justin but he had already bent to JC’s bunk. JC was just sat in the same position as before, minus the razor with a blank look on his face. “Josh” JC turned his head violently and spat “Don’t call me that” Justin slid into the bunk and looked at JC’s leg. “How long C?” “It doesn’t matter” “It does matter, you matter” “No I don’t, how can I? I’m in love with one of my best friends and he doesn’t love me back, what kind of horrible person am I? Joey is my friend but I would hurt him for Lance if only he would want me. I deserve to be punished” “You have to try and get over him” “You think I haven’t tried? I pray to god everyday that I had fallen for Chris… or for you” Justin reached out to touch JC’s face and JC leant forward taking Justin’s lips in a rough kiss. Justin kissed back for precisely a second until he came to his senses and pushed JC away. “Justin I wish it was you” Justin touched a finger to his lips and started to back away. “God I’m so sorry Justin please forgive me… god I need another razor” “NO! Don’t ever do that to yourself again C, swear?” “I can’t swear” Justin took JC in his arms for the second time that day, and rocked him to sleep. His mind was working overtime. Why had he kissed JC back? He looked down at the sleeping man and stroked his soft curly hair and for the first time in his life he cursed god.