Tilt


"Only if you want to."

He hears the words spoken out loud, and for a brief instant, wonders who it was that said them. Then he realises it's his own voice. JC looks at him, concern in his eyes.

"Of course I want to, J...I wouldn't have offered to stay and talk if I didn't." He indicates the door, which he's left half-open after coming into the room a few minutes previously. "Want me to close this? Those guys can be kinda distracting when they're getting ready to go out on the town."

"You don't say," grins Justin, as the sound of Chris and Joey laughing drifts into the room, followed by Lance telling them to settle down. "They do sound pretty hyper."

JC grins back. "Yeah...well...you know." He gestures vaguely in the direction of the laughter. "They have a bet on about who'll get hit on the most. Joey's got some serious money riding on it, apparently." He rolls his eyes, and walks over to the door to close it, just as Chris pushes it open and bounds into the room.

"Come on J! You ready? So many women, so little time....and you're not even dressed." He glances at JC and shakes his head. "What about you, C? Are you ready?"

JC looks across at Justin as he answers Chris. "I don't know if Justin wants to go...Justin? Uh...do you--?" Concern darkens his face. Justin isn't himself...hasn't been for a while now, and JC doesn't know why. He thinks that maybe Justin was about to tell him something...something important. JC figures there has to be something that's making Justin act the way he has been. Like a cat on a hot tin roof is the phrase that flickers in his head, but that's not it...not all of it, anyway. He's been on edge, jumpy...hypersensitive. JC knows that sometimes he misses a lot of things, but this, he can't miss. It's not like Justin to not have something to say, or to be so hesitant about saying it.

And Justin does hesitiate for just a second before replying. "Yeah Chris, give me 5 minutes, and I'm ready, ok?" He looks over at JC, and shoots him a look - JC isn't sure he's seen it at all because it's gone as fast as it appears- and then drops his eyes as JC starts to speak. "Are you sure, J? Because--"

"Yeah, I'm sure", Justin replies. "No problem. We'll talk later....it's nothing that can't wait."

JC isn't so sure.

***

Chris and Joey are off somewhere, probably dancing, but more likely comparing notes on how well their little wager is progressing. Lance has been on the phone for the last 15 minutes, and then tells JC that he's going back to the hotel to go over some paperwork.

"Ok," replies JC. He's only been half-listening to Lance talk all evening anyway, as his attention keeps drifting back to Justin, who has been strangely silent all night. It's not like Justin at all, thinks JC....he's usually commenting on the music, the people, the atmosphere. Commenting on anything and everything, relishing the sound of his own voice and being the centre of attention. Tonight he's spoken barely a handful of words and instead seems to be directing all his energy into drinking himself into some kind of oblivion. JC is vaguely concerned that Justin is drinking at all, but when he tries broaching the topic, Justin tells him to mind his own fucking business. JC's been trying to do that , but it's getting increasingly difficult as the night goes on, and Justin's mood seems to get darker and darker.

Lance leaves and JC figures he'll try and talk to Justin again, now it's just the two of them at the table. He can see Joey and Chris at the bar, both talking to some random woman, so he figures it'll be a while before they're back. He looks across at Justin, who just glowers back at him, swaying slightly in his seat across the table.

"Uh....how you doing, J?" He figures he'll try and keep it low-key for a start. Justin glances up and indicates his glass. "It's empty. Make it full." The words are a command. The look in his eyes is a challenge. JC is unsure how to respond. He's never seen Justin like this, and it's making him nervous. He looks.... JC doesn't think he's ever seen Justin look dangerous before, and he feels like he's stepping into the unknown.

"I...uh...I think you've probably had enough," he says in what he hopes is a fairly neutral tone, but Justin picks up on the slight hesitiation in his voice. "Well, fuck you," he hisses, and stands up, weaving gently on his feet. "Just, y'know... fuck you." JC flinches at the words, the way they're delivered, but he stands up too, and grabs Justin's shoulder in a firm grip. Justin tries to shrug him off, but JC refuses to let go. "I thought I could tell you anything." Justin starts to say, but then shakes his head. "Anything. But...fuck. Yeah. Fuck you."

"Fuck everyone, huh, J? Yeah, fuck that. C'mon, let's go." And he steers Justin towards the door. He can feel Justin trying to pull away, but it's only half-heartedly....the alcohol in his system has slowed down his reaction time, and JC's sobriety has the upper hand as he guides him outside and into the cool night air.

***

JC is sitting by the window working on some lyrics when Justin emerges from his room late the next morning. His eyes are bloodshot and he looks like hell. Chris is playing some video game that bleeps loudly at random intervals, and Joey is watching tv. Lance is in his room, doing god-knows-what. JC thinks it's something to do with contracts and documents and things like that, but he's not sure. Lance doesn't tend to elaborate much unless pressed, and JC never really thinks to ask anyway. He figures Lance will tell him if it's something he needs to know.

"How's the head, J?" asks Chris, with a grin. He's been waiting all morning to tease him about the hangover he was certain he'd have. "Fancy something nice and greasy to eat? I'm sure Joey can scrape up something. You know...line your stomach and all."

Justin smiles weakly, visibly blanching at the mention of food. "Uh, no thanks. I've decided food is over-rated. Alcohol too. Sleep however, is good. As are painkillers. We got any?" He rummages half-heartedly through a jumble of packets on a table, wincing at the noise. "My fucking head is going to split in two."

JC gets up and goes into the bathroom, and emerges with a a packet of aspirin. "Here. And drink plenty of water."

Justin mumbles a thankyou, but doesn't look at JC.

"Hey J, are you....I mean, is everything--?" His words are cut off. "I'm fine. I just need sleep." And the door to Justin's room is closed in his face.

***

"Can I talk to you?" Justin appears, silent and catlike, at JC's side, and JC almost drops the cup of coffee he's holding.

It's been a week since Justin has deemed to speak more than a sentence or two to him, and never without the others in the room. JC was confused at first - had he done something wrong?- but gradually he stopped taking it so personally. Joey pointed out to him that maybe the latest tabloid gossip about Britney's new girlfriend might have had something to do with the sombre mood Justin has been in, but JC thinks -no, he knows -there's more to it than that. This isn't the first new girlfriend she's had since coming clean with Justin, and he's pretty sure Justin stopped caring about them all quite some time ago. JC didn't say any of this to Joey though, because part of him wants to believe that Joey is right...that this is all some sort of delayed reaction from Justin, and it'll go away soon enough and Justin will be back to the same old pain in the ass he's always been. JC doesn't quite know how to deal with this new, silent Justin. He's used to being the silent one, the one who's always lost in thought.

"Well? Can I?"

"Uh...sure. Here, or --"

"Yes. Here." Justin seems very sure of himself, and JC feels that something has changed...shifted somehow. Just what that is, he doesn't know, and again, as he looks as Justin, he thinks dangerous. But that's ridiculous...Justin is just Justin, same as always. Sure, the curls are gone, and in their place is a closely shaved head, but that's all part of growing up and moving on. Justin said so himself, as JC watched him shave off the halo of curls not long after Britney told him it was over. She was sick of hiding it, she'd said- she had a girlfriend now, but you know, she'd really appreciate it if he helped her keep up the facade of a relationship. For the sake of her career and all. Justin seemed to take it all in stride, after a few rough days..and then of course, had come the hair thing. JC still couldn't believe he'd actually shaved it off, but he was used to it now. Kinda liked it, in fact. Chris had called him Samson for a while and Joey grabbed him by the shoulders and rubbed his knuckles across the closely cropped skull every chance he got until Justin had yelled at him to cut it out, Fatone, because that hurts, damnit. Lance just touched his own hair reverently and shook his head, while chuckling. JC was just happy because Justin was happy, and shaving his hair off had been like a transition somehow....boy to man. But then came the darkness, and the mood swings and the half-started and never finished conversations, and somehow the balance tilted again, crazily this time. Crazily enough for JC to notice, and to feel uneasy.

"So...." JC is unsure what to say. He was getting used to Justin's silence, and now this. "So." he says again, helplessly. Justin watches him, which just makes JC all the more nervous.

"So." repeats Justin, and JC doesn't know if he's being teased, or if Justin just can't figure out what to say. He sure as hell doesn't know what's going on, and if Justin doesn't either, well....

"So...I...I...um." Justin doesn't sound quite so sure now, and JC thinks that it's now or never...if he doesn't say what he wants to say, then it'll never be said, and Justin will always walk around in a black cloud and things will always feel....well, crazy, he guesses is the right word for it, and he'll never know what the--

"I think I'm in love with you, man. Fuck. I mean....fuck. I do love you. I'm in love with you. There. I said it. I mean. Fuck. I said it. I fucking said it." Justin is a bundle of energy, pent-up nervous energy- you can almost see it sparking off him as he paces around JC, who is standing, blinking. Almost as if waking up from a dream. Blinking at Justin, as if closing his eyes and opening them right on back up again will help make sense of what he thinks he's just heard.

What the hell has he just heard?

"You love me." It's a statement, not a question. JC figures if he says it, if he risks being laughed at by Justin because What? Why would I have said THAT? You know I'm into chicks, man, then maybe it'll stop his head from spinning, and the room from tilting crazily on all kinds of weird angles. Because, yeah....even Justin laughing at him in amused horror would be better than the bizarre rush of all kinds of emotions he's feeling right now. "You love me.".He says it again, because he's not sure if he did actually speak it out loud the first time. Maybe he's just dreaming, and any minute Joey will come into the room and tell him to wake up, like now. Because he's had this dream before, and he knows how it goes. It never ends well, because when he asks, Justin always tells him he was just kidding. Ha ha...guess the joke's on you, JC. I had you going there for a while though, didn't I? And then he always smiles that dangerous smile.

But then Justin touches his arm, and he realises that yes, he's definitely awake. Just in some parallel universe where he's just been told by one of his very best friends- who he was pretty sure was straight as an arrow- that he's actually in love with him. JC looks down at Justin's hand on his arm and blinks again. Nope...not dreaming. Not a parallel universe even. But definitely....different.

"So....say something, C. Anything. Say anything. Just...say something. I'm kinda, you know...freaking out here." Justin doesn't sound so dangerous now. Just kind of lost, and maybe a little hopeful too. JC thinks he can deal with that. Lost and hopeful is easier than dangerous, and after what Justin has just said, JC doesn't think anything could give him much more of a fright anyway.

"Well, uh....," JC starts to say, then sees the look on Justin's face. He knows he has to choose his words carefully, and he also doesn't think it'll be too much of a stretch to find the right ones. " I just wish you'd told me earlier," he says finally, and sees the smile on Justin's face. "You know, to save some time and all." JC smiles too, because suddenly he realises that he's known all along. He just didn't see it. Not until Justin chose to show it to him. It wasn't in anything as obvious as shaving off boyish curls, or in drunken confessions. It was in all the things left unsaid...the things too hard to put into words. Funny really....he writes the words, Justin sings them...and neither of them could say what needed to be said until it was almost too late. He shakes his head and smiles again, and Justin looks puzzled. "I...didn't freak you out too much?" he asks, touching JC's face with a hesitant hand.

"No, not freaked out, J. At all," replies JC, closing his hand over Justin's, and moving the fingers gently across his lips. "Not at all."

And JC watches as Justin smiles again, and thinks that he hardly looks dangerous at all.



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