Night vision


I, I’m so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
‘Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you
Let’s, let’s stay together
Lovin’ you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

— The Reverend Al Green

“The *carousel*? Serious? C’mon, man. No. That’s a ride that’s just too, well, queer,” he said next to me.

And I didn’t have to glance sideways at him to see the teasing smirk on his face. I heard it in the quiet places of his voice. And it sounded just like he was 16 again. God, how beautiful he was at 16. I remember well.

“So you got something against queer now, do you?”

The smirk laughed softly, and still I only listened, without turning. “Nah. Not me. I’m all up in that game. You know that, baby.”

“Cool. Then let’s go for a ride. ‘Kay? Look at it up there. It’s so gorgeous on the hill, all lit up and spinning slowly in the dark, like something magical in a fairytale kingdom.”

“Yeah……….and we’d sure as hell look like a couple of fairies if we pranced all up on that thing,” he protested again. And I could picture from so many memories that carefree shrug of his shoulders and the pouty twitch of his nose.

His fingers brushed the inside of my wrist as we walked in late-evening shadows. And, at the touch, a thousand bursting fireworks set themselves off and spread flames through my gut.

“No way. Not if no one saw us. See, I was thinking we could find us one of those little stationary carriage deals to sit in, along the inside track, you know……….so we could make out.”

I barely heard the tiny gust of air he let out, but I recognized it instantly as one of his caught-off-guard snickers. And then his firm, warm upper arm rocked against mine for a brief, innocent second.

“Reality check for you, baby. We’re, like, famous, remember. If we got found all over each other, we’d be SO busted.”

“Maybe not.”

“You’re kinky, Jace. Really, now. Public places and all,” he said, sly snicker at its best.

“And you’re chicken shit.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Not!”

“Then prove it.”

I pressed my eyelids shut so tightly to hold in the exquisite mental image of his grin, the one I could feel dawning across his face and lighting up everything like the Second Coming of Christ. No one in the thinning groups of people at the carnival surrounding the two of us seemed to notice anything. And that was just perfect.

“Merry-go-rounds,” he finally responded softly.

“What?”

“Mother ship to Jace. Come in, por favor.”

“Shut up, ass clown.”

That glowing, arousing laugh again. “Ass clown. That’s fresh. Got to remember that one. So am I, like, keeping you awake, babe?”

“No. I was just, okay, sort of distracted, if you don’t mind, by how we were walking in step with each other……….so easily, without even realizing it.”

“We always do that, C. Like we got the same internal rhythm or something.” And he nudged me again then, as if he were so very proud of this.

“Yes. We do.” There was more I could have said, thought of saying. But I didn’t. Because he understood already. “And so what were you mumbling back there, J? Before I zoned?”

“Oh, yeah. We called ‘em ‘merry-go-rounds’ back home. Same as a carousel, I ‘spose. You know, a southern thing.”

*Yeah, I know. And I adore southern things……….one of them so much more than others.*

“If I call it that too, will you ride it? For me?”

“I think maybe I’d do just about anything for you, Jace. And I think maybe I’ve always felt that way, and that I always will.”

His words were soft and simple, picked up by only me, but rippling with silken insinuation — an unspoken claim of “this heart-and-soul thing we’ve got going is not like anything I’ve ever known before, Jace” and a subtle promise of endless days and nights like this one, just him and me.

At least that’s what I heard. And when his bony hip bumped against mine purposely for emphasis, I knew that’s exactly what he’d meant.

“I love you too, J,” I told him back, and it came out like a quiet murmur, not meant for anyone but him.

But it had been loud enough for its target. He laughed, and it sounded like oozing butter and falling feathers. His long arm slid across my shoulders and around my neck like an affectionate python, and he pulled me closer to him in one of those macho-friendly sort of embraces suitable for public viewing.

“I know you do, babe. So let’s go catch us a carousel and make out. You wanna?”

“A merry-go-round. And I do wanna. With you, I can’t help but wanna.”

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

His mouth was warm and hungry on mine, there in the semi-dark, the two of us tucked away in that booth on the ride far up on the hill of the carnival. Moving slowly in giant circles while painted wooden horses rose and fell under multi-colored lights next to us. “Suitable for public viewing” no longer an issue because we were alone. All the kids who would normally flock to this attraction had gone home to bed.

Wet mouth on wet mouth, sliding and consuming. Rough tongues invading and exploring for more sweet taste of each other. Sharp teeth sinking into swelling cushions of lips, capturing and nibbling, urging further and higher. Sucking in and exhaling out fire. Warm and hungry. Slick and soft. Mind-numbing and breathless. Romantic and erotic at once. Deep and maddening. Begging for more.

And his thigh slid against mine over and over as he pressed me further into the corner of the bench. A hot, electric current sizzled between us when roaming fingertips brushed tight abdomen skin just under the hem of a shirt. I could have sworn I stopped breathing there for a few minutes in the dark and forgot where we were and that what we were doing was forbidden, while we touched and kissed and groped and moaned as if we were in high school getting away with some desperate, heavy petting.

Must be more “date nights” kept replaying in my head. Must be more date nights at amusement parks and carnivals. Fuck both of our crazy-busy schedules, which were about to get tons busier and crazier. Must make time for more being together just like this. Just us. Cloaked by this mysterious shroud of invisibility he seemed to have woven for us.

Did no one recognize us or even *see* us? It certainly seemed that way. We hadn’t been approached all evening. Were these stupid hat disguises working *that* well? Or were we really even here at all?

Maybe we were in a surreal, alternate universe where we didn’t have to hide this “heart-and-soul thing.” I didn’t really care, sitting there scrunched into that seat with him and his delicious heat all over me, devouring me. No, I didn’t give one big damn. And he hadn’t seemed to care either, all day long — not on the rollercoaster or the bumper cars, not in the House of Mirrors and Horrors, not at the miniature hoops game where he insisted on shooting free-throws until he won that stuffed black panther and had grinned, so big and beautiful and full of everything, when he could finally hand it over to me, blue warmth scanning my face.

“Here, C. For you. Sexy and sleek. Just like you are.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You know it,” he’d growled quietly. And “I love you, I love you” had slinked through the playful beaming laugh.

“Ssshhhiiittt,” he hissed as he eased up off my mouth, there in the secluded near-dark on the carousel. My head fell back against the wood behind me, but I still felt his thudding heartbeat under my palm. “Jace……….you taste so……….fine……….I can’t ever get enough.”

“Must be that damn cotton candy,” I whispered, panting too. “Or the chilled cider we had afterwards……….or the—”

“No, baby. It’s not artificial……….It’s all you……….so fucking sweet.”

“Hmm.” I think I must have licked my lips a few times over since *he* tasted so damn good too. “Same here. ‘Lips like sugar. Sugar kisses.’”

“Ah, I know this one. Don’t tell me……….The Smiths. Right?”

“Close, babe. Echo and the Bunnymen.”

He snickered and snuggled nearer, warmer. “That was my next guess.”

“Sure it was.”

“It *was*.”

“Okay, it was. So tell me……….Is this a ‘queer-go-round’ now?”

“How ‘bout we make it an ‘*us*-go-round’? You and me. Cool?”

“Iced.”

“I dig this place, C. Us being here together rocks. Awesome idea. Thanks for the invite.”

And I could have held him there forever, hovering over me and exhaling steam, heartbeats in tune with each other. “Justin……….Yes. Let’s do it again……….soon.”

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I should have seen the next part coming. I should have felt it, anticipated it. After the carousel make-out adventure, I most definitely ought to have expected either Fate or *him* to lead us through the few people left in the park toward the……….

*Oh, c’mon. No. Not that. Please.*

It, too, made huge, dramatic, twinkling-lights circles in the cool night air. But this one — by walloping contrast — turned in lazy rotations upward, around, and then down again. Simply and beautifully.

*Fucking Ferris wheel. Just no.*

“Hey, J. You about ready to bounce on out of here? I’m starved. Let’s book and get some real food. My treat. ‘Kay?”

“Nah, man,” he answered excitedly, ignoring completely my fancy attempt to head him off with a bribe. “We didn’t hit THAT yet,” and he pointed toward the flashing steel monstrosity looming ahead.

“Man, we can skip it if you want. Doesn’t look all that thrilling.”

He laughed as if I’d just told the funniest damn joke ever, all light-hearted and happy. And — call me hokey, yes — but I could almost see the glimmer of his perfect teeth reflecting on the pavement in front of us as we shuffled along. The little-boy eagerness flowed off him in lit-up waves. Again, he could have been 16 once more.

“It does to *me*, C. Check it out, man……….just turning ‘round and ‘round, slow and steady, taking you up and then bringing you back down in a giant circle, showing you the whole landscape and shit with every spin……….C’mon, babe. We’ve got to give it a go. That was my number one fave thing to ride at the state fair when I was growing up. It’s awesome. How ‘bout it?”

We were getting closer and closer to the towering contraption with each step, I knew. Unable to avoid it, I looked up, WAY up, and shuddered. “You go ahead, J. I’ll stay down here and watch.”

“Um, yeah. Like hell you will. C’mon, Jace. What’s the prob? I hopped the carousel dealio with you, babe. And that turned out first-rate WHOA, didn’t it? So now—”

“So now I *owe* you?” And I did. Owe him. I knew it. I bit my lip, regretting the accusation.

But his answer was subdued and gentle. “Well, no. You don’t owe me, Jace. I just thought we were……….you know……….kicking it and having fun.”

“We are, Justin.”

“Then why you don’t want to Ferris wheel with me? You don’t want to sit next to me now?”

Damn. He had that pretty pout down cold. Just like every other little thing he does and says. Razzle-dazzle loveliness — whether jacked up to high or simmering on tender. He’s got it all perfected to hypnotic. At least on me. How’d I get so damn unbelievably lucky?

“No, dorkass. Wasn’t I just sitting next to you in that carriage seat a few minutes ago?”

“Yeah. Awfully fucking close too, if I remember.” He nudged my arm with his elbow and winked. “So then what’s wrong with another little two-seater ride while we’re here and all? Say, babe? When the publicity machine gets cranked for your CD real soon and I have to go back to the U.K. for more shows, we won’t have a lot of time to do fun crap like this for a while. We gotta make the most of it, right?”

I sighed, harder and louder than I’d expected to. I hadn’t wanted to be reminded that we didn’t have much quality time left together.

“Your merry-go-round stayed on the ground, Justin. It was safe. That thing……….” And I begrudgingly glanced up at it, so much near now, again. “……….is high and dangerous.”

“C! Don’t tell me you’re—” He started to giggle out of control but then caught himself and stopped. “You’re not afraid, are you, baby? Dude, after all the gags and stunts and suspension cables and whatnot we use in concert? Does the Ferris wheel really spook you, man? You think I won’t protect you?”

“That thing creeps me out, J,” I confessed in a hushed voice. “It could malfunction or something and sling us spiraling sideways to a painful crashing death or strand our asses indefinitely up in mid-air……….Not a spot I’ve ever craved being in, if you know what I’m saying.”

We walked on a few more steps in rhythmic silence until he turned 180 degrees to face me, keeping pace beside me with a slow backward jog. Always so generous with them, he gave me one of the full-facial smiles — another of his expressive perfections. But a bit of the excited shine had faded now from his eyes, and when he spoke, some of the giddy expectancy was clearly missing from his voice.

“Okay. That’s cool. I didn’t know they weirded you out, C. No big thing. Let’s scoot if you’re still ready. My stomach’s getting its growl on too.”

Something inside me burst and deflated. Maybe I winced aloud. He wasn’t even going to try and persuade me to ride — although he easily could have. With just one more half-assed attempt. He’d always been able to talk me into anything. And I’d always been glad that I let him.

This time, however, he was conceding to me. Giving in to me. Loving me with a soft-spoken acceptance and not forcing his own wants.

*“That was my number one fave thing to ride at the state fair when I was growing up. It’s awesome.”*

“C’mon, babe. Let’s blow this burger joint,” he said casually and brushed against me as he spun around again, already miles and miles past disappointment.

I couldn’t do it, couldn’t deny him like that. Sure, it may have seemed like a tiny thing in the grand scheme of big muthas. But it was something he wanted.

“Hey, wait,” I rasped out and grabbed his forearm with signature blundering spazziness. It was his *hand* I wanted to take in my own and hold and hold, to absorb his warmth, to give him some of mine. But there was still the risk factor — even in this magical little darkened and unreal atmosphere — that we’d be recognized. And outted.

“Justin.”

“Yeah, C?”

“Hold up. One more thrill before we head out. ‘Kay?”

“Sure. I’m down with that. Which one?”

“That one.”

“The wheel?”

“Sure. Why not? You and me.”

“But you said—”

“I say a lotta shit, J. Now I’m saying let’s do it.”

And I could *hear* the pleased, slow-burning smile inching across his chiseled features. “Really, baby? You mean it?”

“You said you’d protect me, right?”

“Absolutely. All the way. Trust me?”

“Are we there yet?”

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I think every damn muscle in my body had cinched up beyond tight by the time it was our turn to take a cart. Almost no one was left in the park. Justin bristled again with that energetic anticipation and electric static next to me, making the hairs on both our arms stand out straight.

*Straight.* Hilarious.

“We’re up next, C. Our turn to board the baby,” he whispered and gently pushed me through the open gate.

The cute male attendant smiled at us with that knowing twinkle in his eye when he latched the steel bar across our laps. Like he always does, Justin giggled that “dawg” was hitting on me. I countered that we were lucky for a random gaydar ping from someone who, hopefully, didn’t know who we were.

The cool night air had crisped to cooler, and I gripped the solid bar in front of me tensely while my heart raced and raced inside my ribcage. The huge wheel was moving us now, backward and upward, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight, dreading. Then……….

“Jace, baby,” he hushed in moist falsetto at my cheek, surrounding me with his all-over warmth and softness. “Sit back, beside me……….It’s gonna be fun……….I’ve got you, my love. Relax.”

As if I ever had a choice at all, his strong arms circled my waist and pulled me back toward him, onto him. And I let go completely and folded against him. With one of his arms draped around my shoulders and the other slung over my stomach, the hot lump in my throat was tons easier to swallow. Especially when we peaked at the top of the ride for the first time at what looked to me like thousands of feet in the night sky. Give or take a few hundred.

“Justin.”

“We’re good, babe. Don’t be worrying. Isn’t it bootay-ful? The scenery. Look out there,” he urged and slipped his fingers through mine, clasping my hand in the hugeness of his own.

So I settled into him, rested my head against his neck, and opened my eyes. “Oh. Shit.”

“You okay? Scared?”

“Not so much……….anymore.”

“It’s awesome, isn’t it?”

“Awesome. Here with you.” Yes, completely awesome. The steam of his breath at my ear. His embrace hot and full all around me. Soothing. Reassuring.

“You sure this is cool? I never knew you were afraid of these, baby.”

“Very cool……….See, well, I had a bad nightmare once when I was a kid……….I fell out of the bucket seat thing………. from the top……….and just kept falling and falling……….It was scary as hell.”

He squeezed me tighter. I sighed. Warm and comfortable. Totally at ease with him. And the wheel continued to turn us in big, slow revolutions.

“I’m sorry, C. you never told me.”

“It never came up.”

“You like it then? Now?”

“I love it, angel.”

*And you ARE my angel.*

“See the laser show over there? Like it’s all just for us. Looks amazing from here too.”

“This is, like, exhilarating……….I could get used to this, Justin. Everything looks so peaceful and quiet from way up here……….in your arms.”

He snickered into my hair. “I’ve still got a spot or two of romance in me, baby.”

“I love you.”

“I love you……….And thanks, baby. For the ride. You know, the *whole* ride we’ve had together.”

“You make it sound like it’s about over.”

“Nah, I thought we were just getting started.”

“I like that better. Absolutely,” I whispered. “And, yes. It’s always been the best.”

Epiphanies and visions and revelations and flashes of realization happen in the strangest damn places. At the top of Ferris wheels, for example. Son of a bitch.

All these years we’d been friends, Justin and me — and often it seemed like there wasn’t a time in my history when he hadn’t been in my life somehow. Then these past few years we’d been together as more than friends, more than lovers — each other’s everything. And all that time I’d done my best to take care of him, be there for him through it all, give him whatever he needed. Especially when he set out on his own in big, bold *Justified* style. And I did it willingly, from my heart. Because in my heart is where he lives.

And now here he was, taking care of *me*, being what I needed, showing me the ropes of fresh, new adventures and convincing me I could master anything I put my mind to trying. Being in my corner and backing me up now that it was my turn to attempt something new and scary. Letting me know I wasn’t alone, that he was there. Providing me with confidence that I, too, could make it on my own. Like he had.

Giving back to me all that love I’d always given him, the love that had aged and matured with time and now tasted sweeter than any fine exotic honey anywhere in the world. As if it had come full-circle and fluttered between us like some gossamer spiritual connecting tissue.

“Jace? You zonked out, baby?” His voice grazed my ear, feathery and warm.

“Totally not asleep, J. Just thinking……….about how neato it is that everything always works out exactly like it’s supposed to.”

“Well……….ready to grab your little plush panther there and adios off this bitch now? We’re almost done.”

“Can we go one more round, angel? Please?”

“We’ve been on here for two whole rides already, babe.”

“Have we? Those sweet nothings you’ve been whispering in my ear must have put me in a trance.”

He giggled, and the hot, pliant mass of him shifted behind/beneath/around me — not to exit the cart, but to hold me closer. “First you balk at riding it, and now you don’t wanna leave it. You so crazy, Jace.”

“It’s all your fault. You feel so damn good……….One more turn. Please.”

“One more it is then, baby. ‘Cause you’re feeling awfully fine too.”

“Thank you, love.”

“De nada. Hey, didn’t I say I’m here for you?”

“Yes, and I trust you……….with my soul.”

“Ditto, baby. Always.”

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

FINI



Micki Stories
Back Home

Email: whatweallwishfor@yahoo.com