Part 22


History Lesson

“Jayce?” Justin played with the buttons on JC’s shirt, the movie he’d been watching forgotten as something he’d been thinking about for a while crept back into his mind.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

His hands rubbed absently on Justin’s head as it lie on JC’s chest. “Sure.”

“It’s kind of personal.”

“If it’s too personal, I won’t answer it.”

“Really?” Justin looked up from JC’s chest.

“No, of course not.” JC laid his book down on the coffee table. “I’ll answer anything you ask, Justin.”

Justin scurried along the couch, sitting up and watching JC do the same. “When did you know?”

“When did I know what?”

“That you were gay.”

“When I was fourteen I had an idea, but when I was sixteen, I knew for sure.”

Justin was intrigued. “What happened when you were sixteen?”

“I kissed both Steven Appleby and Rosanna Smith on the same night.” He grinned. “And I enjoyed it with Steven way more than with Rosanna.”

“So, what happened then?” Justin cocked his head. “You didn’t come out then, right?”

“God, no.” JC laughed.

Justin waited.

JC sighed. “I guess you really want to know, right?”

Justin nodded.

“It’s kind of all mixed up with being punk, and rebelling that way first. It was easier to be punk, more of an evident rebellion against my parents, my upbringing.”

“But, why did you rebel?”

“My dad wanted me to go into the seminary, and follow him at the church.”

Justin’s eyes widened. “A pastor?”

JC grinned again. “What, you don’t think I’d make a good one?”

“A hot one, maybe.”

“Thanks, I think.” JC shook his head. “I just couldn’t do it. Go to the seminary, I mean. Up until then, I was the perfect son. No one ever suspected I might be gay, I kept that part really hidden.”

“Is that why you were sick all the time?”

JC smiled softly. “God, you’re smart. It took me six months with a shrink to figure that out.”

“A shrink?” Justin was stunned. “Something else you haven’t told me about.”

JC held up a hand. “Hold on. Let me start at the beginning.”

Justin settled himself more comfortably on the couch.

“When I was getting ready to graduate from high school, my father decided I should go into the seminary and follow him at his church. The congregation was willing to pay for my education, as long as I came back and served there. I realized that, regardless of my feelings for God and my love of my parents, I was not going to do that. I was already interested in punk music, so my first rebellion was that. I punked out, making everyone worry about me and my state of mind. Hence the trips to the psychiatrist. I learned there that what I was really trying to escape from was the fact that I was gay, and that I could never be a pastor if I was. So, I left.”

Justin blinked. “You ran away?”

“To LA. Just like Tyler did. Anyway, I lasted about a week, then crawled back home. I told my folks I was ready to go to school, to stop being punk, and to do what they wanted. I even went out with girls.”

“Oh, my.”

“Exactly.

“Did you…”

“Sleep with them?”

Justin nodded.

“Yes, I did.” JC saw the question in his eyes. “And no, I didn’t enjoy it much. But I did it, with one girl especially. I was even engaged to her, and the wedding was planned and it was getting close when I knew I couldn’t go through with it.”

“That’s why you have a tuxedo.”

“Yep. Her name was Cheryl, and she was a very nice girl, and would have made a perfect pastor’s wife. But the closer the wedding got, the sicker I got. I’d conveniently forgotten what the other shrink had said, about getting sick because I was fighting being gay, and just forged ahead with the wedding plans until I ended up in the hospital.”

“The hospital…”

JC sighed again. “A mental hospital, Justin. I had a nervous breakdown.”

Justin grasped JC’s hand. “You don’t have to finish this.”

“It’s okay, Justin.” He clasped both of Justin’s hands in his own, gaining strength from the other man. “I realized when I was in the hospital that I was hiding. Hiding who I was from me, from my parents, from Cheryl, from the world. I had to tell them and I had hoped they’d understand and accept me. Well, you see how that worked out.”

“So, you moved here?”

JC nodded.

“And what about…never mind.”

“What?”

Justin ducked his face. “What about other men?”

“Oh. Well, yes. I did have a few affairs before met you, but never anything long term, or important to me. Not like you.”

“And were you…” Justin’s voice trailed off.

“Was I what?” Justin shook his head, his cheeks hot with embarrassment. “Justin, just ask. No secrets, remember?” Justin shook his head harder. “Come on! It can’t be that bad!”

When he spoke again, it was so soft, JC had to strain to hear the question. “Were you a…you know…with the others…I mean, the other men…were you…on the bottom?”

JC considered Justin for a moment. “Actually, you were the very first I did that for.”

Justin’s head snapped up. “What? Really?”

JC smiled. “Yeah. With the others, I was always, well, you know. But with you, I felt. . That is was right. That is was. Oh, I don’t know…safe.”

Justin’s mind flew back to the stock room in the warehouse in LA. “Even that first time?”

JC nodded. “Even that first time. There was something about you, something I trusted, something I needed. Somehow I knew, deep down, that you were special, that you were the right one.” He lifted a hand, stroking Justin’s cheek. “That you were the only one.”

“But you still like to top, right?” Justin looked puzzled. “I mean, you’ve topped me.” His blush deepened. “God, this conversation is weird.”

“Yeah, I like to top.” He pulled Justin in for a kiss. “And I’ll top you whenever you want. But there’s something about having you inside me, having you around me, and giving that part of myself to you that seems right, that it’s the way to do things, and that you’ll always keep me safe.” He laughed. “Does that make sense?”

Justin nodded. “Yes it does. And it’s making me horny, too.”

“Now, why am I not surprised by that?” JC kissed Justin again. “Any more questions?”

“How do you want to do it tonight? Top or bottom?”

JC nipped at Justin’s lips, biting a bit hard and smiling as Justin groaned in response. “Why don’t we just take turns?”

Justin pulled JC close, devouring the older man’s mouth, sealing the idea with a kiss.



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