The shrill beep beep beep of the alarm jolted Justin out of his sleep. He reached a hand over and slapped the clock quiet, then snuggled back under the covers, leaning close to the warm body next to him. He loved this time of day. For nine minuets, he was alone, but not alone. He was separate, but connected. He was warm and loved and comforted by the man lying next to him. They’d been together for almost two years now, and still, every morning, Justin reveled in the fact that he was loved. That JC loved him. The alarm sounded again, and this time, Justin reluctantly left the bed and the man and stumbled into the shower. Dressing quickly, he returned to the bedroom to kiss JC goodbye. “’mmbye…” JC murmured, snuggling closer to the pillow Justin had vacated. “I love you,” Justin said as he reset the alarm for JC. “’mmmlovetoo,” Justin smiled. He sat on the bed, his hand snaking out to pet the curly head lying on his pillow. JC’s hair was a bit damp, making Justin frown. JC slept fitfully for a few minuets, tossing off the covers as Justin watched. Justin glanced at the clock, swearing under his breath at the time. He quickly pulled the covers over JC and left the room. Justin’s morning flew by. He’d transported six patients, and visited the peds ward during his break, but thoughts of JC kept creeping into his mind. He stole a quick minute to run outside for a smoke and use the phone, calling JC at work. The phone rang five times before a woman’s voice answered. “Seattle Times, Copy Editing, Lydia speaking.” Justin blinked at the phone. “I’m trying to reach JC Chasez,” he said. “JC isn’t here today, can I take a message?” “He’s not there?” Justin voiced his surprise. “Where is he?” The woman was silent for a moment. “Who is calling, please?” “Justin.” “Hold please.” Justin took a deep drag on his cigarette, counting to ten before someone came back on the line. Another woman spoke. “Justin? It’s Terry.” Terry worked in the cubicle next to JC. Justin had met her a few weeks ago at the paper when picking up JC one night. “Terry, some one named Lydia said JC isn’t there.” “That’s right,” Terry said. “He didn’t come into work this morning, and didn’t call, either.” Justin’s mind flew back to JC’s damp skin and restlessness. “Thanks,” he said, hanging up the phone unceremoniously. He glanced at his watch, then walked back into the hospital to use a house phone to call his supervisor. *** Justin burst though the door of their apartment. “JC!” he exclaimed. He stopped short as the familiar smell of sickness that he was so used to at the hospital assailed his senses. He opened the bedroom door and found JC still in bed. The covers were a shambles, the bathroom was a mess, and poor JC was lying in a huddled ball, shivering in the middle of the bed. “Jayce,” Justin called out, approaching the bed and reaching for his lover. “Jayce, baby,” JC opened water blue eyes. “Oh, no…go away,” he said, turning away from Justin. Justin blinked in surprise. “No, baby, don’t,” he said, pulling JC back toward him. “What’s wrong?” “Sssick…don’t…go…way…” JC shivered again, curling up to warm himself. Justin reached down and pulled the covers back up to JC, who grabbed them in grateful relief. “Shhh, it’s okay,” Justin said, patting JC on the back. Justin felt JC suddenly go stiff, then shrug Justin away from him. “Go…away…don’t…see…gonna…be…sick…” He tried to scurry off the bed. Justin knew exactly what was going to happen, and calmly reached down for the trashcan, handing it to JC just as the older man became violently ill. Justin left the bed, going into the bathroom to both give JC some private time and to clean up the bath area. From the looks of things, JC had been sick quite a lot this morning. Justin quickly scrubbed the toilet and sink, spraying Lysol everywhere and gathering the towels and the bathmat that had seemed to be in the line of fire. He stuffed them into the hamper, then pulled out a fresh towel and washcloth, which he dampened with cool water, as well as clean sheets from the linen cabinet before rejoining JC. “Okay, lover,” he said calmly. “Time to get cleaned up.” JC looked up at Justin, his face pale, his skin damp. “Please, Justin, go away,” he pleaded. “Nope,” Justin said simply. “Give me that.” He took the trashcan away from JC, then pushed the older man gently until he lay down on the bed. “You’ll feel better after you’ve cleaned up.” JC shook his head slowly. “I’ll only feel better after I die.” Justin’s hand stilled for a moment. “Don’t even joke about that,” he said, his tone serious. He lifted the cool washcloth and lightly stroked it down JC’s body, cleaning off the sweat and sick from the morning. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” he asked, replacing JC’s underwear for clean ones. “Didn’t want you to know.” “And why is that?” “Too much trouble…always sick…God’s punishment…bothersome…” JC had started shivering again, Justin noticed, so he quickened his movements. He dried JC off, the pulled him into the bedroom chair to change the sodden sheets. He slipped JC back under the covers as the older man shivered even harder, his skin now hot to the touch. “You’ll never be a bother to me, baby,” Justin told JC, smoothing back the hair from his face. “Yes….said it…won’t love me…too sick all the time…can’t lose Justin…can’t lose him…not sick not sick not sick…” Justin watched as JC fell into a fitful sleep. What did he mean, I won’t love him if he gets sick? Justin wondered. With a last pat and quick kiss on his forehead, Justin left JC and walked to the kitchen. He looked up a number and quickly dialed the phone. “Hello?” “Tyler?” Justin asked. “Yes.” “God, I’m glad you answered,” Justin told Tyler. “Last thing I need right now is to speak to your mother or father.” “Justin!” Tyler exclaimed. “What’s up? Why are you calling?” Concern tinged Tyler’s voice. “Is Josh alright?” “Yes. Well, no. He’s sick, but I think it’s just the flu,” Justin said. “Tyler, I need to ask you something. Was JC sick a lot as a child?” Tyler whistled through the phone. “Was he ever!” he confirmed. “I was about eight, but I remember Josh was home from school a lot, not sure what it was, something like asthma or mono or some such. But yeah, he was sick a lot. Then, all of a sudden, he wasn’t.” “He just got better?” Justin asked. Tyler was silent for a moment. “No, now that I think about it, he really wasn’t any better, but he ignored it. Not, not ignore, but hid it. If he had an asthma attack, he didn’t tell anyone. I knew, because he’d get the shakes and stuff, but once he got to high school, he never missed any days. He was a perfect son, kinda hard to live up to.” Tyler chuckled. “Well, until he punked out and went gay, that is.” “And who took care of him?” “My mom did.” And there it was. “Okay, Ty, thanks.” “Anytime, Justin. Four more months, man!” Four more months? Oh, yeah. Four more months before Tyler turned 18 and came to live with them. “That’s right, Tyler. Take care.” “You, too. And take care of my brother.” “I will.” Justin hung up the phone slowly, then walked back into the bedroom. He sat in the chair next to the bed, holding JC’s hand as the older man slept fitfully throughout the rest of the day. The room grew dark, lit only by the light from the bathroom, and still, Justin sat with JC. He watched intently as JC slept, thinking on what Tyler had said, trying to sort it all out. JC had been ill as a child, and now considered that to be a burden to anyone who loved him. Justin shook his head slowly, wondering what kind of mind trick his parents had played on him. Justin mentally recounted what he knew of the Chasez’s. He knew they were religious people, but also that they had a hard time accepting the differences in their son. And now, Justin discovered JC’s mother had had a hard time accepting JC’s illness as a child. That was something Justin understood; he, too, had been called a burden by his mother. It was late when JC finally woke up, bolting to a sitting position in the bed, eyes wild as he searched for Justin in the dark. Justin reached over and flipped on the lamp. “You’re here,” JC told Justin. “Yep.” “I thought I’d dreamed you.” Justin chuckled as he made JC lie down again, covering up the older man before pulling the chair close to the bed. “You mean dreamed me completely, or just today?” he joked, holding JC’s hand. “Today, here.” “Nope. I called you at work, only to find you weren’t there and hadn’t called in, so I came home early.” JC frowned. “You left work early? For me?” “Shouldn’t I have?” “No,” JC argued. “I’m fine. I was fine, I’ll be fine. Just a little bug. In fact.” JC pushed the covers off and started to get up. “I’m all better, so I’m going to get up.” Justin stood up, blocking JC’s exit from the bed. “Lay down. Now.” Justin’s voice booked no argument. “You’re not better. Less than a hour ago you were puking your guts out.” JC flinched at Justin’s words. “But that was then…” “But nothing.” Justin again pushed JC into the bed. “Get in there. Now.” JC complied. “I just don’t…” “…want to be a bother?” Justin finished for him. JC nodded. “I’m not your mother.” JC’s eyes shot to Justin’s, widening in surprise. “What did I say?” JC asked, his voice a hoarse whisper. “That I wouldn’t love you if you were sick, that you didn’t want to be bothersome, that you’d be too much trouble and I’d leave you.” He held JC’s hand again, his thumb rubbing the delicate veins in his wrist. “I was sick a lot as a kid,” JC explained. “But I’m all better now, so let me…” He made to get up again, only to find Justin pushing him back to the bed. “If you move again,” Justin said with steel in his voice. JC got back into bed. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “For what?” “For getting sick.” “Jayce, people get sick. I deal with it ever day, remember?” JC shook his head. “But not with me. You shouldn’t have to deal with it from me.” “Why not?” “Because.” “Not a good enough reason.” “Because it’s gross.” “Again, not good enough. As I said before, I deal with it everyday.” “I just…” “You just?” “I just don’t want to disappoint you,” JC said in a small voice. Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You could never disappoint me,” Justin told him. “I love you. You, JC. Not some idealized version of you. Not someone you think you have to be to keep my love.” Justin kissed JC’s hand, holding it to his cheek. “You don’t have to be perfect for me. All you have to be is you. And if you happen to get sick and spew all over the apartment, oh well. That’s what Lysol was invented for.” JC laughed. “I’m sorry,” he told Justin again. Justin shook his head. “It’s okay,” he told the older man. “Though I’m kind of wondering how you were going to stay healthy for the rest of our lives.” JC blinked owlishly. “The rest of our lives,” he repeated softly. Justin gave him a surprised look. “Aren’t we in this together? For the long haul? Lovers forever and all those other kinds of syrupy sayings?” “I didn’t expect, I mean, we’ve never discussed it…the future, I mean.” Justin scratched his head. “Hmm, I guess not.” He kissed JC’s hand again. “I’m not a romantic man, Jayce. I’m guess I’m better with the physical, showing you how much you mean to me.” He sighed. “The words…the words are hard. I’m not used to…so it’s hard for me to say some things. But I love you. You’ve given me everything. There is no where I want to be than by your side.” “Even if I’m sick?” “Especially if you’re sick!” Justin exclaimed. “You’ve given me so much, Jayce. Helped me, loved me when I didn’t deserve it.” “You always deserve it,” JC interjected. “AS DO YOU!” JC’s winched at Justin’s emphatic shouting. “Not so loud!” he said, his hand coming up to rub at his temple. “I’m sorry,” Justin said, leaning in and kissing JC’s head softly. “How’re you feeling now? Still woozy, or you think you could handle some water or soda?” “Water would be great,” JC admitted. “Then water it will be.” Justin left the room for a short bit, returning with a small glass of ice water. “Sip it, don’t gulp,” he instructed. JC chuckled. “You’ve learned a lot,” he observed. “Nah, I’ve just puked a lot,” he corrected. “Remember?” he said at JC’s questioning look. “I used to be a punk, a hoodlum, and I drank.” Justin took the glass from JC and placed it on the bedside table. “I was headed to an early grave. Until someone very special found me.” Justin smiled when he saw JC’s cheeks pinken. “Wow, I can’t believe I can still make you blush!” “I didn’t do anything, really,” JC said, ducking his head and blushing even harder. “I was lucky to find you.” “Fuck luck,” Justin said. “I wanted you, from the moment we met.” JC raised his eyes. “Me, too.” Their gaze held for a moment before Justin groaned. “Dammit, don’t get me hard when you’re sick!” he scolded. “I’m sorry,” JC said, smiling. He yawned loudly. “Wow, cannot believe I’m still so tired.” “You’ve had a hard day,” Justin said, pulling up the covers as JC scrunched down in the bed again. “Go to sleep,” he said, leaning down to kiss JC on the brow. “Thank you,” JC said, grabbing Justin’s hand and keeping him from leaving. “No one…I mean, thank you for taking care of me.” “Anytime, baby,” Justin said, flipping off the light. “We’re in this together.” He watched as JC slipped into sleep. Justin paused at the door. “For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness or in health. Till death us do part,” he vowed quietly. It was a vow he planned on keeping.