Hide in plain sight


JC accepted the glass wine with murmured thanks and a tight smile. “Please keep it coming,” he instructed the flight attendant, taking a sip of the rich red liquid.

The woman automatically nodded, obviously used to celebrity passengers and their demands.

JC leaned back into the leather seat, ignoring the skeptical glance from Tiny. His mind blocked out the instructions on keeping his seatbelt on while in his seat and the fine for dismantling the smoke alarm in the lavatory. Instead, his thoughts raced with self-doubt about this trip, and self-loathing at how, even now, the slightest of Justin’s whims could make him return.

He thought it was over. This time, he thought it really was the end of them as a couple, a pair. And still…JC wondered exactly what had happened, where it went wrong, and why, after everything that had been said and done, he still couldn’t say no.

Despite his continued resolutions, he still couldn’t stop loving Justin.

He closed his eyes and played it all back in his mind…

Six months ago.

JC walked into the kitchen, smiling as he spied Justin at the table. He placed his dishes in the sink just as Justin raised his head. JC noticed that he was on the phone. He watched Justin take the phone away from his ear, covering the mouthpiece. “Do you mind?”

JC blinked. “What?”

“I’m on the phone, JC.”

“So?”

“I’d like some privacy, if you don’t mind?” Justin explained.

Privacy. JC stared a Justin for just a bit more, then walked out of the kitchen, wondering what the hell that was about. He and Justin had been together for almost ten years…there was very little in the way of “private” between them anymore.

He sat on the couch, flipping channels on the television as Justin came into the room. “Done with your call?” JC asked, settling the TV on MTV for lack of anything else.

Justin shrugged, grabbing his jacket. “I’m going out for a while,” he told JC, feeling in the pocket of his jacket for his keys. “Don’t wait up.” And he was gone.

What the hell was that about? JC wondered. They had plans with Joey and Kelly tonight…and now, Justin leaves? Without an explanation, or anything? JC rose from the couch and went to the window, watching as Justin drove from their house. He was on the phone again.

JC felt a stirring of something deep inside of him. Something that felt a bit like…fear.

Later that night, JC roused out of sleep as Justin climbed into their bed. He peered at the clock, noting the time was indeed late, 3:14. JC sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Hey,” he said, reaching out and touching Justin’s back as he sat on the bed. “Where ya been?” he asked sleepily.

“Why the third degree?” Justin replied.

JC felt Justin’s back tense under his hand. He lifted his hand off his lovers back. “Didn’t mean to pry, Just,” JC explained quietly. “But I think it’s a valid question. We had plans with Joey and Kelly tonight, remember? I had to make an excuse for you.”

“I don’t need you to make excuses for me,” Justin said harshly.

JC felt his own nerves start to fray. He sat up more, turning on the light next to the bed. “What the fuck, Justin?” He watched Justin walk to the bathroom. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Justin turned to JC with heated eyes. “Nothing is wrong with me,” he hissed, balling his clothes in his hand before throwing them at the wall with an angry toss. “Just get off my back.” He stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

JC stared at the closed door in surprise.

Justin never came back to bed. JC awoke early, realizing at once that Justin’s side of the bed hadn’t been slept in at all. JC scrambled from the bed, but knew instinctively that Justin wasn’t in the house.

JC found a note in the kitchen. Gone to my mom’s for a few days. Don’t call. Justin.

“Fuck that,” JC said to the empty house, grabbing the phone and dialing Justin’s number. Voice mail. He dialed Lynn’s house in Memphis. More voice mail. He’d try later.

Three days later, and still no word from Justin. He dialed Lynn’s number once more, actually shocked when Justin’s mother answered this time. “Lynn!” JC said with surprise. “Can I speak to Justin?”

“Hello, JC,” Lynn said, her voice a bit scolding. “I’m fine. How are you?”

JC sighed. “Lynn, I’m sorry. But I’ve been trying to get a hold of Justin for three days, and this is the first time I’ve actually reached an actual person and can I just speak to him please?”

Silence. “He’s not here right now, JC. But I’ll have him call you as soon as he can, alright?”

Something was wrong. “Lynn, what’s going on?”

“I have to go, JC.” And she hung up the phone.

JC stared at the receiver in his hands.

Again, late at night, JC felt Justin come to bed. This time, JC didn’t speak to his lover; instead, he just watched as Justin undressed and slid into bed. The feel of Justin’s touching him suddenly surprised JC, pulling him close and stroking JC with strong, hard, and amorous hands.

No words were exchanged. Justin stripped JC of his boxers, grasping JC’s now hard cock and stroking him to a fast, sharp orgasm. Before JC’s shuddering even stopped, Justin had pushed into JC, pumping faster and faster before finally collapsing onto JC’s chest. JC’s hands fluttered across Justin’s sweaty back, his mouth licking lightly at Justin’s salty cheek. Justin’s head rose, and their eyes locked in the shady moonlight that came through the window. Justin suddenly pulled away, twisting to face away from JC and pulling the sheet over his body.

JC stared at the ceiling for hours, watching as the room lightened enough for him to get up. He left Justin still sleeping, moving to the kitchen and making coffee. The phone rang, and JC jumped to answer it so it didn’t wake Justin up.

“JC?” It was Johnny.

“Hey, Johnny,” JC replied. “What’s up that you have to call at,” JC peered at the clock. “Six-thirty?”

“Look, JC,” Johnny said cautiously. “I know you guys are smart and all, but please, next time you go to New York, take Tiny or Eric with you, okay?”

“What?” he asked, completely confused. “I haven’t been in New York.”

“Geez, then Justin went alone?” Johnny complained. “The boy’s a moron, JC. You have to keep him under control.”

“Johnny, what have you been smoking?” JC stirred sugar into his coffee. “Justin was in Memphis, seeing Lynn for a few days. He wasn’t in New York.”

“JC…” Johnny’s’ voice sounded sad. “Justin was New York. There’s a picture of him leaving the hotel yesterday.”

“You must be mistaken,” JC whispered. “He was in Memphis, Lynn said so.”

“JC, look. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but…”

“No, you’re wrong,” JC insisted. “He wouldn’t lie to me, Johnny. He wouldn’t.”

Johnny sighed. “Let me send you the picture, JC,” Johnny said. “Maybe there’s a reason why Justin didn’t tell you. And JC,” Johnny continued hesitantly. “Call if you need anything.”

JC hung up the phone and moved over to his laptop, flipping the machine on and booting up his e-mail. Sure enough, there was a new mail from Johnny with an attachment. JC opened the picture.

It was Justin, leaving the hotel they stayed at in New York. The date on the wire photo was the day before yesterday, the second day Justin was supposedly in Memphis. JC stared at the photo, his eyes burning and his mind racing at the possibilities.

JC was still at the table when Justin finally entered the kitchen. The younger man went to the cabinet and got a cup, pouring himself coffee before joining JC at the table. “Good morning,” Justin said, his voice tentative and his eyes avoiding JC’s.

“Is it?” JC asked.

“What does that mean?” Justin said. “Look, Jace, I’m sorry about last night. I just, I just really needed you.”

“Is that right?”

Justin seemed to finally notice JC’s sharp tone. “What’s the matter?”

JC turned the computer towards Justin. “You want to tell me how you managed to be photographed in New York when you were supposed to be in Memphis?”

Justin seemed to pale at the picture. “Josh…”

“Are you cheating on me?” JC suddenly asked the question that he’d been avoiding for days.

“Josh…”

“Are you?”

Justin closed his eyes, then opened them again to gaze at JC intently. “Yes,” came Justin’s simple reply, shattering JC’s world to bits.

“Bastard,” JC said simply, rising from the table and brushing past Justin without another word.

Six months later

JC thanked the flight attendant for the refill. He realized that they would soon be landing in Memphis, his mind continuing his remembrance of the events of the past half-year.

JC had left that day for LA. The other members of Nsync kept trying to get them back together, but JC resisted any and all attempts. Justin had betrayed him. He didn’t know how, or why, or with whom, but yes. He’d betrayed JC so that there was no way JC could forgive him. JC had stayed in LA, writing and recording his second solo album, and pretty much staying out of sight of press and friends. For all intents and purposes, JC had disappeared from view.

Justin, too, seemed to have disappeared. Chris said he talked to Justin a lot on the phone, but he’d been living in Memphis with his mother since the break up, and no one had seen him.

So, JC asked himself again. Why am I now going to Memphis to see Justin? JC had received an e-mail from Justin, asking…begging JC to come and see him. JC had decided to go, if only to find out once and for all what had happened, and why Justin felt so willing to both abuse JC’s love, and take it for granted that he’d come back when asked.

JC was surprised to see Trace at the airport to pick them up. “What the hell are you doing here?” JC asked Justin’s friend.

“Picking you up,” Trace said simply.

JC rolled his eyes. “No shit. But how did you know I was coming?”

Trace didn’t answer; instead, he led JC and Tiny to an SUV parked at the curb. Eric, Justin’s bodyguard, was driving. Tiny got into the front, and JC joined Trace in the back.

JC spoke as they pulled away into traffic. “Answer me, Trace,” JC insisted, his voice sharp. “How did you know I’d be here?”

Trace turned from looking out the window. “Because I sent the e-mails,” he admitted.

“You…”

“I had to get you here,” Trace said with a shrug. “Justin needs you.”

“Justin…” JC pondered. “Does he even know I’m coming?” No answer from Trace. “Does he?”

Trace shook his head. “Look, JC…”

“No, you look, Trace,” JC interrupted angrily. “I’m tired of being dicked around by Justin and his friends. Eric,” JC spoke to the bodyguard. “Turn around. I’m going home.”

“He’s in the hospital,” Trace said quietly.

Eric had pulled the car over to the curb, awaiting orders. JC had quieted at Trace’s words, unable to say anything further. “Go on, Eric,” Trace ordered.

The SUV pulled into traffic again as JC found his voice. “What…I don’t understand…in the hospital?” JC turned to Trace. “Why?”

“Leukemia.”

JC’s eyes widened. “No…he would have told me. He…”

“Wanted you never to know,” Trace finished. “It, his prognosis, was bad at first, JC. And Justin is, well, you know how proud he is. How stubborn. Dammit, he didn’t even tell me until last month.”

“So you brought me to Memphis so I could watch him die?” JC accused.

“No, no,” Trace assured him. “He surprised all the doctors, JC, and survived a really hard round of chemo. Now he’s ready for a bone marrow transplant.”

“What am I here for, then?” JC asked.

Trace looked at him skeptically. “He loves you, JC. He needs you.”

“So?” JC turned away from Trace. He’d always disliked Justin’s sponge. “He didn’t seem to love me enough to let me know about this. What if I’d found someone new?” Trace laughed loudly and a bit uncontrollably, making JC dislike him even more. “What?”

“You still love him, JC,” Trace said as they pulled into the hospital driveway.

“How can you be so sure?” JC asked.

“You’re here, aren’t you?”

JC was halted from answering as they exited the car and entered the hospital. The strong smell of antiseptic assaulted JC’s nostrils the moment they entered. No one paid them any attention as they walked through the crowded lobby to the elevators.

“Just a few more things, JC,” Trace started as the elevator began climbing up.

“No more, Trace,” JC ordered. “Just leave me alone, and let me deal with Justin myself.”

Trace’s eyebrows rose at JC’s tone, but JC felt no remorse. He’d been lied to by Justin and tricked by Trace. He was in no mood for any more advice from anyone.

Lynn and Paul Harless were waiting in the small lobby on the Oncology floor of the hospital. Lynn hugged JC close, looking up at him with a quivering smile. “He’ll be so happy to see you, JC,” she told him softly.

JC had his doubts about that, but didn’t want to inflict any more pain on Lynn. Justin’s mother looked sad and tired and spent. JC loved her a lot, and his heart ached to think she’d borne this burden by herself. “Where is he?” he asked.

Lynn pointed to a door down the hall. “Here,” she said, handing a plastic package to JC. “You need to put this on.”

JC nodded, taking off his jacket and putting on the paper scrubs and stuffing his curls inot the hat. “He…Lynn,”

Lynn understood. “He loves you, JC. You’ll see.”

JC nodded again, and walked to the door. He read the sign that warned, “All Visitors Must Wear Protection” and slipped the mask over his mouth and nose. He opened the door slowly.

JC saw a pale Justin lying in the hospital bed. His eyes were closed, but even then JC could see the dark circles that rimmed them. Justin had lost a lot of weight, his features cast with an almost skeletal edge. His hair was gone, too. Not just shaved close this time, but bald for the most part, with some patches of fuzz remaining. Tubes and monitors were attached to just about every limb and orifice, making JC swallow at the sight of the needles puncturing Justin’s thin skin.

“What are you doing here?”

JC looked at Justin’s face again, seeing the horror on his face at the sight of JC. “Nice to see you, too,” JC joked, coming to the side of the bed. His voice was muffled by the mask.

Justin reached for the nurse call bell. “I don’t want you here,” he said, trying to push the button.

“Too bad,” JC said, taking the call bell out of Justin’s hands. He grasped Justin’s hand tenderly, being mindful of the IV’s inserted. “You’re stuck with me.”

“JC…how…”

“How did I find out?” Justin nodded. “Trace.”

“So you’re here out of pity?” Justin’s voice rose hoarsely.

“No, not at all,” JC said, his eyes crinkling in a smile. “In fact, he pretended to be you, e-mailed me and asked me to come to Memphis. No explanation given, and I didn’t ask for one, either. I jumped on the first plane here, not knowing what I would find.” JC looked around the hospital room. “Needless to say, this is the last thing I expected.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said.

JC laughed. “No, you’re not,” he corrected. “You’re stubborn and prideful and a complete idiot, but dollars to donuts Justin, you’d do it exactly the same if you had to do it all over again.”

A small smile creased Justin’s face. “You’re probably right,” he agreed, holding JC’s hand a bit tighter. “I’ve missed you,” he admitted softly.

JC snagged a stool with his foot and sat next to the bed. His hand lifted and stroked Justin’s smooth head. “I’ve missed you, too, baby,” he said. “And when you’re all better, we’ll have an in-depth discussion on love and trust and ‘for better and worse’ and all that crap.”

A frown pulled at Justin’s mouth. “JC…you know, there’s no guarantee this transplant will work,” he informed the older man.

JC brought Justin’s hand to his mask covered mouth, kissing Justin through the cloth. “Let’s just see what happens, okay?”

Justin nodded and yawned. “God, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’m just so tired.”

“Then go to sleep, baby,” JC said, holding Justin’s hand to his cheek. The warmth from Justin’s’ hand made JC stronger, knowing that life was still in his love.

“You’ll stay?”

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” JC vowed.



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