Christmas Past - Present - Future


Christmas 1997

“Josh?” Justin called out as he knocked on the bathroom door. No answer. He looked around the small hotel room. No, he has to be in there, Justin thought. He heard movement behind the door and knocked again. “Josh!”

“What is it, Justin?” came the faint reply.

Justin frowned at the door. “The guys are ready to leave,” he said. Everyone had just finished their Christmas dinner, and now the members of *Nsync planned to go to a new club they’d found here in Hamburg.

“I changed my mind, Justin,” JC said. “You guys go out and have fun.”

“Josh, what’s wrong?” Justin asked, trying the doorknob and finding it locked. Looking down, he noticed for the first time there was no light shining from the crack at the bottom of the door, which meant JC was sitting in the dark. There was no window in the bathroom of the hotel.

“Nothing’s wrong,” JC assured him, though to Justin it sounded less than convincing. “I just don’t want to go out.”

“Josh, come out so I can talk to you!”

And they were back to no reply.

Justin looked around the room that JC shared with Chris. He spied Chris’ suitcase and rummaged through the messy clothes until he found what he wanted. Returning to the bathroom door, Justin used Chris’ pocketknife to jimmy open the door.

JC was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, head resting on them. At Justin’s entrance, he looked up, startling the younger man with his tear stained face. Before they could speak, the sound of the other three sounded outside the hotel room. Justin quickly shut the bathroom door again and opened the other door just as Joey was set to knock.

“Guys, I think Josh and I are staying in tonight,” he told them.

“Anyhthing wrong?” Lance asked.

Justin shook his head. “No, we just changed our minds, that’s all,” he lied. “Chris, could you stay in my room tonight?”

“Dude, you know JC won’t sleep with you until you’re 18,” Chris reminded him. “Why torment yourself?”

“It’s not about sex,” Justin said, casting a glance over his shoulder to the closed bathroom door.

“He’ll stay with us,” Joey assured him. “Just make sure you’re back in your room before your mom finds you, okay?”

Justin nodded, smiling as he watched his three friends walk down the shabby hotel corridor. “Merry Christmas,” he called out.

Chris spun around. “You, too, runt!”

Justin was sitting on one of the beds when JC finally came out of the bathroom, causing the older man to stop short. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

Justin shrugged. “I decided not to go out,” he explained.

“Because of me?” Justin didn’t answer. “Justin, you don’t need to stay here with me.”

“I know I don’t need to,” he said, getting off the bed and heading toward JC. “I’m staying because I want to.” Justin stood in front of JC and lifted a hand, running a gentle thumb down JC’s tear streaked cheek.

“I don’t want you feeling sorry for me,” he said, grabbing Justin’s hand and holding it.

“I don’t feel sorry for you,” Justin assured him. “But I know that you’re sad, and I want to help.” He twisted his hand to where he was now holding JC’s, and tugging gently, pulled the other man closer to him. “I love you, Josh…why shouldn’t I want to spend Christmas with you?”

JC squeezed his eyes shut. “Because…” he started, but didn’t finish his thought.

But Justin knew. “Because you’re family didn’t want to, so why should I?” JC’s eyes locked with Justin’s. “Isn’t that what you’re thinking?”

“I..I..”

“See, I know how you think, Josh,” Justin said, moving them both over to one of the narrow beds in the room. “And I know that right now, you’re thinking that there must be something wrong if your own parents don’t want to spend Christmas with you. And since they don’t want to be with you, you feel you don’t deserve to happy right now.” He sat on the bed, and pulled JC down next to him. “Am I right?” he finished with a soft smile.

JC didn’t answer, but his eyes filled with tears. Justin felt his own eyes start burning, and pulled JC close to him, maneuvering them both until they lay down on the small bed. He held JC close as the older man cried silently against his chest.

Justin silently cursed the Chasez's. They were the only family of any *Nsync member who didn’t travel to Germany for Christmas, and JC had felt their absence keenly. He’d always felt like an outsider in his own family, and this just added to it, in Justin’s opinion.

So Justin held him close as he cried his sadness out, holding JC’s thin frame to him, for once giving the older man the support and strength he’d always given Justin.

Minuets, maybe hours later, JC stopped crying, rubbed his face against Justin’s soaked shirt, and turned red eyes up to meet Justin’s. “Thank you,” he said, his voice hoarse.

Justin leaned down and brushed a kiss upon JC’s brow. “Anytime,” he assured him. “I love you, Josh. And though it may not help, I want you to know that you’re my family now, no matter what happens.” He leaned down a bit more and kissed JC’s swollen mouth. “You’re my everything, Josh,” he said.

JC reached up a hand and rubbed a finger along Justin’s mouth. “As you are to me, baby.” He looked at the clock. “You’d better go, Just…it’s getting late, and Chris will be back soon.”

Justin shook his head. “Nope, I’m all yours tonight,” Justin said, continuing at JC’s puzzled look. “I asked Chris to stay in my room tonight,” Justin explained.

“Justin,” JC warned. “You are not staying here tonight.”

“Try and stop me,” Justin said smiling, then looked at JC with serious eyes. “I just want to sleep with you, spend Christmas night with you, and let us hold each other,” he said. “Is that so wrong?”

JC sighed, and moved up the bed, flipping their positions until JC was holding Justin. “No, there’s nothing at all wrong with that,” he assured him, reaching out to flip off the light. “I love you, Justin,” JC said, pulling him close. He reached down and kissed the curly head resting on his chest. He realized that Justin was right. That he was JC’s family now. But more than family. Justin was JC’s whole world. Maybe it wasn’t going to be such a bad Christmas after all, JC thought. As long as I can hold my world in my arms .


Christmas 2001

“Ring the bell.”

“My hands are full.”

“And mine aren’t?” JC shifted his packages and rang the bell with his elbow. “Infant,” he said under his breath.

But not low enough for Justin not to hear. “Prick,” Justin said, just as Joey opened the door.

“Hey ho!” Joey said exuberantly. “Merry Christmas!” He reached out and grabbed some packages from JC. “And how is my favorite couple this fine holiday season?”

Justin shoved by Joey without answering, causing Joey to turn to JC. “What’s up with him?”

“He’s an idiot,” JC answered, leaning in and bussing Joey’s cheek. “Where’s the baby?” he asked.

Joey laughed. “Okay, she’s inside.” He lead JC into the living room where they found that Justin had already acquired Brianna, and had the baby on his lap. JC glared, but Joey’s hand on his shoulder prevented him from saying anything. “Please, no fighting today. It’s Christmas!”

JC looked at Joey and smiled. “You won’t hear a word from me,” he assured his friend, sitting down next to Lance and across from Justin. “Hey Lance!” JC said, hugging their band mate.

“Merry Christmas, JC,” the bass returned. “What’s with you two?” he asked, nodding his head toward Justin.

“Nothing important,” JC assured him, but his glare at the younger man belayed that opinion.

“Nothing important,” Justin told Chris as he bounced the baby on his knee. “He’s just being stubborn and pig-headed.”

“He’s just being irrational and perverse,” JC told Lance.

“I mean, do you think it’s any reason for him to be so unreasonable about?” Justin asked Chris.

“You must agree with me,” JC told Lance. “I mean, it’s ridiculous, don’t you think?”

“And he never, ever gives my ideas any credence,” Justin complained.

“Comes up with all the cockamamie ideas,” JC complained

“I mean, what else could I do?” Justin asked.

“I had to say no,” JC theorized.

“Don’t you agree?” they both asked at the same time.

“JC,” Lance said, getting up from the couch. “I am not getting between you and Justin on any issue, including this one.”

“Justin, I’m not getting involved,” he said, taking the baby from his lap and handing her over to Lance, who placed the baby in JC’s lap.

JC smiled at Brianna as the baby steered wide, blue eyes on him. “Aren’t you the prettiest baby in the world?” he asked her.

“Sure you don’t need a second opinion on that?” Justin asked, glaring at JC over the baby’s head.

“No, I know a baby when I see one,” he answered, not looking at Justin at all.

“Dinner’s ready!” Phyllis called out.

The sat at the table, marveling at the selection of foods and complementing Joey and Phyllis as the makers of the feast. Joey tapped a spoon against a glass to quiet the crowd.

“I just wanted to say thank you to you all for coming here for Brianna’s first Christmas,” he said, smiling at each of his guests. “She may not remember it, but I will.” He picked up his wine glass, indicating for the others to do the same. “I ask us all to raise a glass to us all…wishing us all health and happiness and most of all, love.”

JC drank his wine, catching Justin’s eyes across the table. Their eyes caught, and JC felt a thawing of his anger at his lover. Justin must have felt the same, as JC watched his eyes soften, and a slight smile touched his lips. “To love,” JC said, lifiting his glass across the table to for Justin to clink.

“To love,” Justin agreed.

They found each other after dinner, slipping into the guest room together. They’re lips met in a soft but hungry kiss.

“I’m sorry,” JC said, nibbling Justin’s mouth, sucking his bottom lip.

“Me, too,” Justin said, running his hands over JC’s back, hands slipping up to grab his head through is curly hair. “I hate fighting with you.

“Me, too,” JC said, mouth slipping down to nibble Justin’s neck. “Let’s agree not to fight any more, okay?” he asked, moving against Justin with a slow, sexy thrusts.

“Oh, yessss,” Justin agreed. “And thank you, Josh,” he said, returning each thrust.

“Hmmm,” JC moved back up Justin’s neck to his mouth, kissing Justin deeply. “Thanks for what?’ he said.

“For agreeing with me,” Justin said, running his tongue along JC’s lips, but stopped when he felt JC tense.

“When did I agree with you?” JC asked, pulling away slightly.

Justin’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not agreeing with me?”

“Of course not!” JC exclaimend. “I still think it’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard!”

Justin pulled away completely. “You haven’t even heard the whole idea!” he protested.

“I don’t need to hear the whole thing!” JC said. “What I’ve heard is plenty stupid.”

“You’re just being argumentative and stubborn!”

“And you’re being selfish and spoiled!!”

Chris, Lance and Joey listened to the exchange from outside the room, each shaking their heads in resignation. “JC’s right,” Chris said. “Justin’s is being really infantile about this.”

Lance raised a brow. “Don’t be dumb, Chris,” he chided. “You know Justin’s right about this, and JC is totally wrong.”

“What!” Chris exclaimed.

Joey reached in and pulled both men close, closing a hand over each of their mouths. “Chris? Lance?” he said, looking at each man in turn. “Merry Christmas, right?” They nodded. “No fighting?” Again they nodded. “Good.” He removed his hands. “Let’s get a drink,” he finished.

The three men left the hall with the sounds of JC and Justin still fighting trailing behind them.


Christmas 2005


Justin looked around the crowded mall, noting the long line. “This was a bad idea.”

JC shook his head. “No, it wasn’t,” he assured Justin.

“How can you be so sure?” Justin asked.

“Have I ever steered you wrong?” JC countered.

Justin pondered the question. “Well, you once told me I looked good in purple leather,” Justin mused.

I thought you did look good,” JC said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Then there was the time you tried to convince me to trade in the Beemer for a station wagon.”

“But it was a BMW station wagon!” JC protested.

“And let’s not forget the cornrows!”

“Okay, that was a bad idea. But that wasn’t really my fault.”

Justin raised a brow. “You’re the one who braided my hair in the first place!”

JC laughed. “All right, guilty,” he agreed. “But this isn’t a bad idea.”

“I still don’t see it,” Justin grumbled as a shopper bumped into him, her arms laden with so many packages she couldn’t see over them.

“Just watch.” JC nodded to the front of the line as a girl in an elf suit came out to speak to the crowd.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Santa has to leave for the evening and go feed the reindeer. He’ll be back tomorrow.” She pulled a curtain around the display.

Groans and murmurs could be heard from the line. Justin eyed JC, prepared to say “I told you so!” as the Elf Girl approached them.

“Mr. Chasez?” she asked, and JC nodded. “Santa’s ready for you.”

JC smiled. “Thank you, Melissa,” he said. JC held out his hand. “Ready for Santa?” he asked the small girl standing between him and Justin.

Elizabeth smiled, her two front teeth missing, her riotous curls bobbing up and down as she nodded her head. “I sure am, Daddy!” She reached up and grabbed JC’s hand, her other one already firmly held by Justin.

“And how about you, little man?” JC asked the small boy held in Justin’s arm. “You ready for Santa?”

Jack pulled a wet thumb out of his mouth. “Santa!” he yelled.

“Then let’s go!” JC said, escorting his family to the curtained area.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” came from the Santa inside the curtain. He was big and jolly, dressed in the traditional red suit and sporting a real beard. “Hello Elizabeth!” he called to the young girl.

The men released her hands as she walked bravely to Santa. They exchanged a glance as she climbed right into his lap.

“No fear in that one,” JC laughed at his daughter. “She’s all you,” he said to Justin.

“She’s both of us,” Justin said, then grunted when Jack wriggled in his arms, wanting down. They laughed as he ran over to join his sister with Santa.

Justin smiled, marveling at his family. They adopted Elizabeth three years ago when she was two, and Jack just last year. Each day he thanked God for his children. He looked over at JC. And for the love of his life. Justin moved closer to JC and reached out a hand.

JC took it instinctively, and turned to face the younger man. “We’re so lucky,” JC said, squeezing Justin’s hand as he watched the children.

“I feel like I’m the lucky one,” Justin said, eyes blinking back tears. “We’ve been through so much, but nothing has ever changed our love, has it?” he asked.

“We knew nothing ever could, Justin,” JC said with a laugh. “Let’s face it, both our fates were sealed the minute you walked onto the MMC set, all those years ago.”

“God, I was so young,” he mused, leaning into JC. The older man pulled him closer as they watched the children.

“And now we have more love to share,” JC murmured, holding Justin close. “Merry Christmas, Josh,” Justin whispered.

“Merry Christmas, Just.” He turned a brushed a quick kiss against Justin’s check. “Thank you for being my family.”



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