A mirrored life


Sometimes a different decision can change your life.

Bowie, Maryland—1989

“Dude, come on!”

Josh looked down at his drawing, noticing intently that something was wrong with the roof of the building. “Jason, thanks, but I don’t think so.”

“But you love to dance with that lame group of yours,” his friend kidded. “Why not do it where I’ll be…and it’s in Florida!”

Josh laughed. “Jason, there’s no guarantee I’d get picked.”

“You would, Josh. I’ve seen some of the auditions. You’re the best out there.”

For a moment, Josh was tempted. It might be fun at that. But then he realized how out of the world thinking something like that was. To dance, and even sing on a television show? That didn’t happen to normal people like him. “Jason, thanks. But no, I’m not going to the audition.”

“Okay, Josh,” Jason said. “I’ll see you soon then, okay?”

“Hmm?” Josh was already back at work at his drawing. “Oh, yeah…see ya.” He hung up the phone absently, pencil fixing the error in his work.

Memphis, Tennessee—1989

“Mom!” Justin ran into the house, slamming his schoolbooks on the counter. “MOM!” he cried again.

“I’m right here, Justin,” Lynn said, coming into the kitchen. “What ever is all this noise about?”

“Here!” Justin dug into his bag and pulled out a flyer. “Look! Singing lessons! Dance lessons!” He shoved the flyer at his mother. “Can I do it? Can I?”

“Justin, slow down.” Lynn took the flyer from his son’s hand and pursued it carefully. A local music teacher was offering singing and dancing lessons for children, ages 10-17. Lynn looked at her son’s excited eyes. “Is this something you really want to do?” she asked.

Justin nodded enthusiastically. “I really, really do, Mom,” he said. “I want to sing. And Dance. But mostly sing.”

Lynn smiled. She’d never been able to deny him anything. “All right,” she said, laughing as Justin whooped and danced in the kitchen.

Bowie, Maryland—1992

“Come on Josh!” Roy said as Josh came down the stairs, dressed in his graduation gown. “I want a picture.”

“Dad, I took pictures already,” Josh protested.

“Those are for everyone else,” Roy said. “This is for me, and my super bright son who graduated high school in three years.”

Josh blushed at the compliment. It really hadn’t been that hard, he thought. Studying was easy to do when you didn’t go out at night. Josh smiled at the excitement and pride in Roy’s eyes. “All right, Dad,” he said, fixing his mortarboard and standing next to the fireplace.

The three years of high school had flown by for Josh, and his acceptance at the University of Maryland seemed to also be an easy accomplishment. If only Josh’s inner turmoil could be quenched so easily.

“Is Sarah happy about you coming to school?” his mom asked from the doorway.

Josh swallowed a sigh and turned to his mother. “Yes, she is,” he told her. Sarah was his girlfriend, and his parents loved her. Josh, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as sure about her. She was a nice enough girl, but Josh was…no. He tamped down that feeling, that thought, and smiled back at his parents. “She’s ecstatic,” he assured them.

Memphis, Tennessee—1992

Justin wiped his nose and eyes again, thinking about facing everyone after losing. Losing! How could he have lost?

“Justin, it’s not the end of the world,” Lynn said, trying to assure her son. “If you look at it, at least you get to be on television!”

“Mom!” he protested. “I’ll be on tv, yes, but as a loser!”

“Stop that talk right now,” Lynn scolded. “You are not a loser. You got that far, Justin. That’s way better than most people get.”

Justin sniffed, considering her words. He had been on StarSearch, true, even if he had lost. That’s something, anyway. And he still had his music. And basketball!

“Mom, can I try out for the basketball team?” Justin asked, sitting up and facing his mother.

“Basketball?” Lynn said. “Why basketball?”

“I love it, Mom!” Justin gushed. “It’s the best game in the world!”

“And your music lessons?”

Justin shrugged. “I’ll do them, too.” He saw his mothers’ skeptical look. “Mom, you know I can do it. I’m getting A’s already…what do you say?”

She cut a glance at Justin. “Have I ever been able to deny you anything?”

Justin smiled, the sting of losing lessened just a bit.

Bowie, Maryland—1998

“You need to tell them, Josh.”

He shook his head. “No, it’ll kill them.”

Sarah sighed. “No, it won’t. They love you…you could do anything and it wouldn’t change that.”

“This would.”

“Try them.”

Josh looked at her, wondering how she could be so charitable. He and Sarah had dated through all four years of college, and had been engaged for two year since they graduated. But now, now she wanted him to tell his parents the truth. That he and Sarah were not getting married and it was his fault.

Because he was gay.

She’d helped him to realize it. Sure, they’d had sex, but Josh had never really enjoyed it, and one night, during a rather drunken confession, had told Sarah that while he loved her, he liked guys better. Josh, realizing what he’d done then next morning, had tried to cover it up with excuses and lies but Sarah had always known something was missing from their relationship. It was actually a relief for her to find out what it was!

Now, as their engagement was over, all the remained was to tell his parents.

“They won’t understand,” Josh repeated, turning off the ignition of the car in front of his childhood house.

“They will,” she assured him.

The front door opened and his parents walked out. Josh watched their smiling, welcoming faces and realized that Sarah was probably right. They loved him. He kissed Sarah on the cheek. “Let’s go and do it, then,” he told his friend.

Sarah smiled wistfully.

Memphis, Tennessee—1998

“Come on, Megan,” Justin said, his hands busy beneath the girl’s blouse. “You know you want me.”

Megan sighed as Justin’s hands caressed her breasts. “Oh, Justin,” she said, pushing her chest closer to his hands. “Yes, yes yes.”

Justin looked at her flushed face, illuminated by the moon through the car’s window. “You mean that?”

“Yes, I do,” she sighed, licking her tongue around his ear. “Make love to me, Justin.”

Justin kissed her hard, separating her lips and taking her mouth roughly. He pressed his groin against her hip, humping in time to his hands stroking her breast. He swallowed, humping harder. And harder. And harder.

He stopped, his hands stilled, his movements frozen.

Nothing. There was no reaction. No movement.

He was soft.

“Justin?” Megan whispered, her hands brushing against his crotch.

Justin shifted away, his mind racing. “I, uh, damn. I forgot the condom.”

Megan blinked. “I think it’ll be okay, Justin,” she said, reaching for him again.

He shifted away farther. “No, no…too risky.” Damn. Fuck. Shit. Whywhywhy…

“I’ll, uh, here.” Justin grabbed Megan close to him, kissing her deeply as his hand snaked under her skirt. He found her wet, his mind almost repulsed at the feel. Then his fear took over. No no no no you’re not gay you like girls you like girls you like girls make her come you like pussy kiss her feel her make her come . His hand worked hard against her crotch, rubbing and brining her to a quick orgasm.

She screamed into his ear, and Justin almost threw her away from him. Instead, he fought his instinct and held her close.

New York City—2000

“And that’s the presentation.”

Josh held his breath as the men in the room pondered his words. As one, they burst into applause, making Josh’s face split into a huge grin of thanks.

“A wonderful building, Joshua,” Mr. Jacobs, the firm’s senior partner said. “So much style, so much grace.” He shook his head at Josh’s drawings. “You’re an excellent architect.”

Josh nodded shyly. “Thank you, Mr. Jacobs.”

Murmurs of agreement surrounded Josh as the rest of the Board left the room. Josh busied himself with gathering his slides and displays, not realizing one person stayed in the room. Josh was startled as the man spoke.

“You really are gifted, Josh,” Ben told him.

Josh’s head whipped around. “Ben. I didn’t realize anyone was still here.”

Ben nodded, coming up to Josh and looking at the sketches. “A really good architect. Jacobs was smart to hire you.”

Josh blushed, ducking his head. “Thanks.”

“Good god, you’re adorable.”

Ben’s words shocked Josh. “What?”

Ben walked up close to him, so close, they breathed the same air. “You’re adorable,” Ben told him, kissing him lightly on the nose. “Want to get drink?”

Josh surveyed Ben. Brown hair, soft eyes, luscious lips. “Let me put this up and I’ll meet you at the elevator.”

Memphis, Tennessee—2000

Lynn looked at Justin in shock. “Are…are you sure?” she asked, her voice a whisper.

Justin smiled softly. “I’m sure, Mom.” He took her hands in his. “I’m sorry if you’re disappointed, but I had to let you know.”

Lynn pulled back in shock. “Justin! I could never be disappointed in you!” She smoothed the hair back from his face. “All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I know, Mom,” Justin said. “And I will be happy.” His eyes sparkled. “How can I not be happy? Remember…I’m gay!”

Lynn laughed in spite of herself.

“It’ll be okay, Mom,” Justin assured her.

“And this move to New York? Are you sure that’s necessary?”

Justin sighed. This was harder than telling his mom he was gay. Justin had wanted to move to New York for years, knowing that he needed to be there for his music. “Mom…it’s what I want, what I need.” He wiped the tear from her cheek. “You understand?”

Lynn looked at him with a sad smile. Had she ever denied him anything?

New York City—2002

“There he is!”

Josh smiled as his friends cheered his arrival. “And to what do I owe this honor?”

Simon smiled, grabbing a beer and handing it to Josh. “And why wouldn’t we celebrate the youngest ever junior partner in the prestigious firm of Stephens, Jacobs, and Lyle…Architects at Large!”

Josh laughed as his friends whooped with noise and celebrity. It was true, he’d made junior partner faster than anyone else had…and he was proud of that.

“Thank you, thank you,” he said, shushing his friends. “I deserve all the honors and accolades you can give me…but I’d prefer hard cold cash!”

His friends hooted and threw peanuts at him. “Knock it off, fellas,” Jennifer, the waitress said. “Go sit down and watch the new boy perform.”

“Jennifer, when will you marry me?” Simon asked.

“When I get desperate, and you turn straight,” she replied, pushing them toward their normal table.

The Boxer Club was an atypical gay bar. It catered to those who wanted to drink, talk with their friends, and listen to good jazz. It wasn’t a leather bar, nor a casual fuck bar. It was, to Josh and his friends, a second home.

They moved to their table near the stage, still ribbing Josh for his promotion, still flirting with Jennifer as she brought them more drinks. “Be quiet and listen to this guy…he’s good.”

“Jenny, you think they’re all good,” Simon complained.

“Trust me on this one,” she said as the light lowered.

A spotlight shone on the piano, and suddenly, a boy walked out. No, not a boy. A man. No, not a man, Josh thought. An angel. His face was surrounded by a riot of blond/brown curls. His mouth was pink and wet and oh, so needed to be kissed. His eyes…his eyes were blue, dark blue, piercing blue, and were looking straight at Josh.

The music started, the man played, and Josh fell in love.

New York City—2002

The applause overwhelmed Justin as his set ended. He broke his gaze away from the man at the close table, and stood, shaking, bowing, then ran off the stage.

He closed the dressing room door and slumped against it, his heart pounding. It wasn’t performing here at the Boxer Club that had made him react this way.

It was the man. The man at the table with the chocolate curls and dazzling blue eyes and kissable mouth. The man he couldn’t take his eyes off.

Justin cursed himself, realizing he acted like an idiot, like a schoolboy with his first crush. He’d even sung to the man! He cringed, realizing that he and his friends were probably laughing at his naivety.

A sudden knock on the door startled Justin, making him jump away and stare at the door in surprise. His heart beat fast as he opened the door, shocked to see the man from the table standing there.

“Hi,” the man said. He seemed nervous to Justin.

“Hi.”

“You’re…I wanted to tell you how good I thought you were,” he told Justin.

Justin swallowed. “Thanks,” he whispered. “I, uh, I’m Justin,” he said, holding out his hand.

“I’m Josh,” the man said.

They shook hands, holding on for countless minutes

“Justin…this may sound silly, but. Do you believe in love at first sight?”

Justin smiled, pulling Josh inside and closing the door. “I didn’t before tonight.”

Sometimes a different decision can change your life.

But fate always finds a way.



Lisa Chasez Stories
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