Justin crawled his exhausted form toward the edge of the bed as the alarm clock sounded. With a considerable amount of effort, he swung his weary legs over the edge, encircled his stomach with agitated arms and sat shivering. When the security of his arms lost its strength and comfort, Justin’s shaking fingers grasped the side of the mattress desperately, while he steadied the spinning dynamics of the room. The blond placed a hand on his forehead, shaking his head lightly and feeling his clammy skin. Damning himself for his unexpected carelessness, he glanced at his overbearing alarm clock and scowled. Another day had passed without a single word from JC and the enthusiasm of Justin’s ambitions had tempered as time ticked by. He glanced at the phone and sighed, an overwhelming sense of loss, insecurity and loneliness ambushed the young man’s grief stricken core. As his confident shoulders slouched, he whimpered. The cloud of despair that hung possessively over Justin saturated the tormented soul in a merciless shower of doubt, pain and guilt. It would not be readily dismissed this time and Justin regretfully knew this. There was only one-way of redeeming his sense of reality and disposing of the callous and unforgiving feelings that dwelled within him. Only one sure way for him to get his emotions under control, to experience release. Justin rolled his upper lip under his lower and turned his head toward the bathroom. He felt a familiar pull and he fought an internal battle to ignore it but he was weak. Nearly as weak as he had been before, when it first started. The lonely pop star hadn’t experienced the overpowering urge for nearly five days; he had been strong then. Justin began rocking his torso back and forth, balancing his sleep heavy body with his impossible grip. He focused his attention onto the carpeted floor praying for his need to pass; he glanced at the door, eyes shimmering. He had lost the battle. Justin stood from his perch and ambled in the direction of his bathroom rubbing his arm in anticipation. He glanced over his shoulder at the phones that surrounded his bed and sighed. The only thing that would stop the inevitable, the high-pitched ringing of the phone, but it did not come. Josh hadn’t called. The emotional heartache too much, he needed to purge himself of it, substitute it. He slowly opened the portal of his hell and crossed the barrier; it’s too late to turn back. The blond closed the door behind him, staring at his reflection. Justin touched the mirror leaving greasy impressions of his fingers and traced a path down to his heart. He closed his eyes. “Too much. I need… I need to get rid of it.” The blond singer slowly unbuttoned his nightshirt and allowed the satiny material to fall onto the marble floor. Justin’s blue orbs diverted their attention to the small mechanism balanced on the edge of the sink. He inhaled acutely watching the item blur as he reached for it. “Too much,” he mumbled grasping the item. With trembling hands, he prepared it for its new purpose. He slumped against the bathtub, tears running rampantly and placed the object near his skin. Justin found relief. ** Two days had passed since Justin’s emotional breakdown and still JC hadn’t called him, hadn’t fulfilled his promise. The young man, although spending most of his time in bed, didn’t sleep much, and eating was an issue as well. Justin couldn’t justify being happy while JC was miserable. He stared at the phone. The doorbell rang loudly, careening throughout the large house, and knocking Justin out of his trance. He slowly made his way off his bed and down the stairs opening the door. Chris and Joey stood side by side on his porch, offering him genuine smiles. The blond couldn’t resist their infectious grins and returned it. They stood staring at each other for a minute or two before their silent reverie broke. “Um… you gonna let us in or what?” Justin scratched his head, “Yeah… of course. Sorry about that.” “Are you still in your pajamas? It’s like eleven o’clock or something,” Chris stared hard at the younger singer, observing the emotional cracks in Justin’s exterior. The blond rubbed the back of his head and smiled, “Seems like it.” “It’s kinda hard for us to enter your house when you’re standing in the way.” Justin laughed, “Sorry Joey. Come on in.” The blond moved away from the wide opening and stood behind the door watching his two friends enter. He swiftly closed the door and led the men into his kitchen. “Do you guys want anything to drink?” “No thanks. We’re just visiting,” Joey lied, sitting down in the offered chair. “We haven’t seen you in a couple days. What’ve you been up to?” “The usually,” Justin answered fidgeting near the sink. “So has JC called?” Chris inquired, knowing exactly what Justin’s issue was. “No,” he whispered. “I’m sure he’s been extremely busy with his album and stuff. I…” “Don’t be stupid, Justin,” Chris snapped. He walked in the direction of his youngest friend. “He’s making you wait.” “Wha…what do you mean?” Justin looked away from the older brunette. “He’s…making… you … wait.” Justin huffed, “I understood what you said, Chris.” Justin placed his hands on his hips, “I want to know what you mean.” Joey stood from his chair, “It’s pretty cut and dry Justin. I don’t think there’s a hidden message.” “Fine, whatever. I just… I don’t like waiting.” “That was made clear when you jumped into your solo effort,” Joey sneered. Justin’s lips quivered instantly to tears, “I don’t need this shit.” The blond pushed his self from the counter and made toward the door. “I’m tired of this,” he said over his shoulder. As he stepped through the passage, his bicep was ensnared causing a small shot of pain through his system. “You’re right Justin. You don’t need this shit and Joey was out of line. What you do need is swift kick in the ass.” Justin pulled his arm from Chris and stared at the shorter man. “Stop sulking. If you’re that God damn insistent on becoming a part of JC’s life again, you need to understand that you don’t come first.” “I…” “Shut up and listen.” Chris pushed the younger man through the doorway and into his living room. “Sit down.” Justin sat. “You can’t expect JC to drop everything, no matter how bad it is in comparison. It’s his life now. It’s what he replaced you with.” The eldest singer paused and considered the words he would speak next. “He’s moved on.” He watched Justin’s façade crumble. Chris sat beside the disenchanted blond and whispered, “You need to, too.” Justin turned his head in the direction of Chris’s voice and leisurely blinked his lashes. “Why…” he said through thick lips, “Why are you saying these things?” “Justin,” another voice entered their conversation. “If you want JC back you’ve gotta start over. We’re not telling you to completely give up on the idea that one day you’ll be together again, but in reality,” Joey paused, “that’s not gonna happen in four days.” Chris continued, “You broke everything when you left Justin. You broke his trust, his belief and his heart. You need to gain each one back slowly, not all at once.” “I can’t take that.” “Justin, don’t be unreasonable,” Joey quipped. “I…” Justin stared at auburn eyes, “I couldn’t. I don’t have that much time, I need him now. I can’t live without him.” Joey smirked, “You seemed to be living just fine without him. With your solo career and all.” The younger brunette regretted uttering those words when Justin’s barriers broke down in front of them. Chris wrapped a consoling arm around the sobbing blond and scowled at Joey. His attention turned back to Justin when he felt the younger man moving. Chris watched Justin absentmindedly rub his arm and flinched when he observed the younger man grimace. “Justin, what’s wrong with your arm?” Justin snapped out of his fit of tears, “Na…nothing.” The blonde’s face paled and then the mask was reset. “Mind your own fucking business.” “Excuse me.” “Get the fuck out, both of you.” Justin stood from the couch and maneuvered toward the staircase. “You know the way.” The young blond climbed the stairs by two and ran into his room, closing the door and locking it. He looked at the bathroom door again and then down at his arm. Deep down in the abyss of Justin’s sullen heart he knew his friends were right. He couldn’t be able to win back JC quickly; it would take time. “I can’t take it, not that long.” Blue eyes stared hard toward purgatory and a resigned breath escaped his lips. The draw of his misguided salvation was too great causing the despondent to enter into its enticing trap. ** “Something ain’t right with him,” Joey commented as the two men exited the house. “No shit Joey.” Chris rubbed his growing beard. “How’s he gonna fix JC, when he’s broken himself.” Joey placed his hand on Chris shoulder, “One step at a time, I guess.” “He’s gonna need just as much help taking that step as JC does. I think we have our work cut out for us.” “What we need to do is bust some heads at Jive. They’re the reason our front men are dying here.” “Yeah, we need to let JC know that Justin breaking up with him was Jives idea. I think that will be the first step that we take.” Chris turned around and faced the large mansion. His deep brown eyes taking in the entire view, “We start tonight, agreed.” “Yeah, I’ll call Lance and let him know what’s happening.” Chris slid a sideways glance at Joey, “Let’s go.” ** When one o’clock rolled past the blond contemplated calling JC himself. He felt better and his emotions weren't getting the better of him. He smarted slightly when he sat down on the edge of his bed, getting ready for another lonely afternoon, when the phone rang. The number on the caller ID read, Unknown Number. Justin tilted his head and stared at the phone resting on the sheet while it rang, waiting for the answering machine to pick up. You have reached the Timberlake-Chasez residents and we’re busy right now, so leave a message. Justin’s heart wrenched when he heard the programmed machine and the pain resurfaced tenfold. He hadn’t changed it since Jive forced them to split up. A tear slowly meandered down his cheek. He waited for the caller to speak. “Umm…” a timid yet familiar voice began. “Justin?” Justin quickly picked up the phone and could barely control his excitement. The emotional distress he felt before were now fading into the recesses of his mind. “JC.” The blond heard a soft sigh, “Yeah.” “Where are you?” Justin tried not to sound anxious, “My ID didn’t display your number.” “Oh, um…” JC sighed again, “I’m calling from a pay phone.” “Why?” “It’s hard to explain.” “Why,” the blond mumbled. “Justin,” JC’s voice was tinted with annoyance. “S…sa…sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” “It’s all right. I shouldn’t sound like I’m hiding anything from you. Sorry.” “No, no. You’ve every right. It’s none of my business anymore. I know that.” “Justin,” the brunette’s words softened. “Why did you come over the other night?” The blond fiddled with the dirty sheets on his bed. “I wanted to see you,” he said honestly. JC was surprised by the answer and the honesty with which it was uttered. “Really?” he questioned. “You weren’t checking up on me.” “Yes, huuh,” Justin was surprised by his own answer. The older man smiled into the phone. “You’re being especially honest today. Why?” Justin ignored the brunette’s question. “Can we talk?” Justin waited for JC’s answer, “In person,” he added. He was disappointed in the brunette’s words, the change in subject. “Umm… you need to change your message.” “I don’t want to,” Justin meekly confessed. “You’ll need to.” “JC.” “Look, Justin we’re not together anymore and that was by your choice. Remember,” JC remarked tersely. “Yeah, I remember,” Justin sighed and bit his bottom lip. “Can I see you?” “I don’t think that would be a good idea right now. BT and I are finishing up his album and were going out for lunch.” “Oh,” Justin answered. JC recognized the anguished tone of Justin’s and sighed. He closed his eyes and whispered, “Yes, you can see me. We can talk, but that’s it.” Justin let out a rush of air, “Thank God.” JC smiled. “We’ve got a group meeting with Jive Thursday morning, are you gonna be there?” “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” “I don’t know, solo career,” JC remarked snidely. “You know the reason why you dumped me, stealing my dream,” he finished anger dripping from his words. “JC,” the younger man whimpered, “I know you won’t believe this, but I’m sorry. I was wrong.” “Were you ever.” “I’m sorry,” he whispered painfully. He continued in a voice barely audible, “Believe me.” JC’s heart skipped when he heard the pain in Justin’s voice. He rejoiced a little in knowing that Justin wasn’t spared any pain, that it hurt Justin just as much to leave him. “Does it hurt?” he whispered back wanting to prove his theory, his hope. Justin instinctively looked at his arm, “Yes.” “Without me, it hurts.” “Without you it hurts so much,” Justin curled in the fetal position and wept, unable to control his emotions, his feelings. JC gripped the receiver tighter, leaning further into the phone, “Don’t cry, Justin. Please don’t cry.” “Please, believe.” JC pushed back his own emotions, “After the meeting Justin. After the meeting we can talk. Can you wait that long?” “No,” Justin answered truthfully. JC smiled again, heart fluttering, “Good. I’ll see you at the meeting. Bye.” “Bye.” Justin stared at the bathroom door and thought, Two days. That’s a long time. ** Justin arrived at the Jive meeting fifteen minutes late. Traffic had been extremely bad and he couldn’t call ahead to let them know because he was in the process of buying a new cell phone. As Justin turned the corner he was met with a loud agonizing scream. He saw Lance standing in the hallway staring at the conference room door. “Lance what’s going on?” “JC’s crashing pretty hard in there.” “How long do you think he’s been without it?” “All I know is he was like that when I came in here.” “Brian’s been gone for a couple of days,” Joey said as he came from the room behind them. “I’m assuming he’s been without it since the fucker left.” “He didn’t look to good did he Joey,” Lance offered. “No, not good at all.” “Well then, why isn’t there anyone in there with him?” “Right.” Lance leered hard at Justin, “Why don’t you?” Without another word Justin opened the conference room door and enter. Lance smiled. Justin found JC’s shaking body sitting on the floor and leaning against the far wall. The brunette’s head was turned away from the door and his eyes were closed. Sweat stained his cloths and dampened his pale skin and curly hair. The trembling man drew his knees to his chest and began rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently. Justin cautiously strode toward the breaking JC watching for any sudden movements. “C,” he whispered. “Its me, Justin.” JC slowly lulled his head in Justin’s direction and tilted it slightly. He opened his expressionless eyes and squinted them, focusing them on the blond. “Jus…” he whimpered and sobbed. “JC…” he knelt beside the older man and wrapped his arms around JC’s shoulders and head, pulling him into his body, his security. Justin placed his lips on the weeping man’s hair and rocked him ignoring the short stabs of pain. JC released his knees and unfolded his slender body grasping onto Justin, clinging for life. He closed his eyes once more and relished the feel of his old lover against him. He tipped his chin up and gazed into Justin’s anguished filled eyes. “S…sorry,” he mumbled between sobs. “I…need…a fix.” “JC, you’ve done so well without it.” Justin petted JC’s head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Look what it’s done to you.” JC harshly pulled away and screamed, “Done so well. Look at me. Look what you’ve done to me.” Justin flinched at the hurtful words, knowing that they were true. He reached forward anyway intending to embrace his hurt friend when the door viciously flung open. “There you are,” a familiar voice chimed. “I’ve been looking for you, sweetie.” BT glanced down at his watch and made a mental calculation. “I guess you need something, don’t you sweetheart.” JC stared wide-eyed at his new lover and nodded his head, grateful that BT would give him what he needed. The shaky brunette stood up and gracelessly stumbled toward BT. The blond man grabbed JC’s forearm and pulled him close. “I thought I told you to stay away from him.” He shook the brunette. “Didn’t I tell you that JC?” The brunette nodded again. “Now you want me to give you a fix, when you can’t do one simple thing for me.” “BT…I just…” “Forget it,” he pushed JC away from him causing the already weary man to fall backward onto the floor. The brunette instantly curled into himself. “Hey,” Justin yelled. “Don’t you fucking touch him like that.” Justin stood up. “Don’t you hurt him!” “Hurt him, hah,” Justin’s nemesis laughed. He knelt down to JC’s quivering form. “It’s because of Justin that you’re not getting what you want. Remember that, JC. It’s because of him.” BT stood up and walked toward the door. He tuned and addressed Justin one last time over his shoulder, “Now he’s really gonna hate you.” The blond singer lunged toward BT, arms out. The techno genius maneuvered gracefully out of the way, grabbed an offending arm and spun around. He pushed the larger man into the wall and pinned his arm behind him. BT reared his free hand back and punched Justin in the kidney, knocking the wind from him. He leaned into Justin, pressing his lower body against the trapped man’s. “You can’t win, Justin.” BT struck the blond again and let go of him, watching as he dropped to his knees seeking purchase from the wall. He laughed, “You’re just as pathetic as he is,” he thumbed toward the rocking brunette. BT turned and left room. Justin quickly gathered his poise and crawled toward JC. Upon reaching the withdrawn man, he caressingly rubbed up and down his sweaty arm. “JC,” he whispered. No answer. “Baby, come on. Answer me.” “Get your hand off of me.” “No.” “Don’t touch me. It’s your fault, your fault that I’m like this,” he screamed. “Just get away from me.” He started crying again, “Just…just…” he sniffed, “get away.” “No,” Justin repeated and continued giving comfort. “I left you once, never again.” “Please… Just…” Justin moved closer toward the fallen male and grasped his quivering shoulders. He gently lifted JC up into a sitting position and stared into his red-rimmed eyes. The blond pulled JC closer and encircled his arms around the willowy frame, immersing JC in the love that radiated from his body. The younger man snaked his arms up JC’s back securing him against his chest and held him. They rocked together. “I need it,” JC whimpered “I know you do,” Justin said. “Just like I need you.” JC tipped his head back and stared into his ex-lover’s eyes. “Justin?” “Yes JC…” he closed his eyes, “I still love you.” He placed a small kiss on JC’s sweaty forehead. “I’m sorry I did all this, I’m sorry I’ve made you suffer. I didn’t mean too. I…” his voice caught. “I’m to blame for everything that’s happened to you. I know that and I’ve gotta live with it, but not without you. You can get over your drug addiction, but I can’t get over you.” “Why then…” “Why did I leave you?” JC balled his fists up and hit Justin in the chest. “Why?” Justin took a deep breath. “I’m a coward. I didn’t want to leave you, that’s why I told you it would be temporary. I didn’t want to. Hell, I… I couldn’t even stand up to Jive and tell them to fuck off.” Justin brushed a stray curl from his forehead. “Now…” he stopped rethinking his words. “I… I realize now that it wouldn’t have mattered if I had stayed with you. Our careers wouldn’t have suffered. Jive tricked me into believing that our relationship would be bad for my career. I was a fool and believed them. I was a coward and took the easy route.” The blond closed his eyes, “It wouldn’t have mattered cause even though I wasn’t with you; I still loved you. I still wanted you, but they wouldn’t let me come back. I was weak and you had to pay for my weakness. I’m so sorry, baby. So sorry.” “Liar,” JC whispered while tracing the patterns of Justin’s tears with blurry eyes. He settled back on top of Justin, leaving on hand on the younger man’s chest. “I loved you,” JC mumbled into Justin’s tear drenched chest, “but…” Justin heart wrenched when he heard the past tense usage of love, “Shhh…I know, baby.” They sat in the center of the room, limbs entwined as the minutes ticked away. Justin slowly rocked the brunette and racked his fingers through the tight curls at the nape of JC’s neck. The blond sat on his knees and one of JC’s that was nestled in-between his own, pressing gently against his phallus. JC reciprocated Justin’s position. The older man’s head was huddled under Justin’s chin, arms wrapped tightly around his salvation. The two men clung to each other until they were again disrupted. “Well, how the fuck do you like that?” BT walked back into the room and toward the embraced men. “JC?” The brunette looked over his slender shoulder and up at the intimidating man. BT held out a small bag of white powder. “Want some?” JC licked his lips and moved away from Justin. “JC?” Justin whimpered. The brunette stood up on weary legs and reached a trembling hand for the offered bag. When the bag of white powder was in his heads he turned and looked down at Justin, “I’m…I’m sorry Justin. I’m not who I was. I’ve changed.” “Come on sweet thing, let’s go somewhere a little more quiet.” Justin hung his head and stared at his hands, the hands that used to have JC trapped in them. Hands that weren’t strong enough to keep him there. Justin sobbed, “Please… JC…please.” JC looked at the bag of cocaine and than back at Justin, the bag and then Justin. There was only one thing on the earth that JC couldn’t resist and those were tears falling from Justin’s blue eyes. He handed the bag back to his boyfriend and knelt down beside his ex-lover. With a shaking hand he lifted Justin’s chin and wiped the tears away with his thumb, kissing the cheek it would’ve traveled down. “We’ll talk later,” he whispered. “Let’s go already.” BT wrenched JC away from the blond and wrapped a possessive arm around JC’s shoulders and guided the older man out of the room. Justin wept.