So
I’m out.
After a year of fighting it, a year of leaving only to come back again and again,
I finally feel like I’m ready to be out for good. I finally feel like myself
again, not like the man I don’t know, the man I don’t remember being.
The man I hope never to be again.
It’s been awhile since I felt that way. For the first time in a while, I was able to take a good look
at the man I’d become. A man I
hated. A man everyone hated.
A man Josh hated.
And that’s how I know I’m ready to be out of rehab. Back on my own. Because I was able to see what that man had
done, and I never want to be that man again.
I lost everything because of my addictions. The group, the fame, the fortune…Josh. Everything that mattered to me was suddenly gone, because
suddenly the only thing that mattered was when I would get my next fix.
The group is over. Done. I can’t
have get the fame back. I can’t have the fortune back. I don’t think I even want it back.
But Josh.
I want Josh back. And I’m going
to get him.
Funny, that’s what I said the first time I saw him…funny hair cut and all…I’m
going to get him. And I did.
And he loved me. And I loved him.
And it was perfect.
And then I fucked it all up. All of
it, with the drugs, the alcohol, the hookers…I ruined everything.
But I know that with his help, I can make it. And I’m going to get him back.
I dial his number, and it’s ringing.
I’m shaking. Fuck, what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What
if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he hates me?
“Hello?”
My heart stops beating. That voice.
That smooth, sexy voice. God, I
didn’t know until now how much I missed it.
“Hello?!”
Shit. “Uh…JC?”
“Yeah?” He doesn’t recognize
my voice. Doesn’t surprise me.
“Uh…hi. Do you know who this is?”
What am I, fifteen?
“Um…sorry, can’t say I do…”
I sigh. I don’t mean to, it just comes out. I was hoping he would recognize my voice, hoping he would jump
for joy when I called him. Now he
doesn’t even know it’s me.
“It’s…” Justin. J. JuJu.
Justy. Your baby boy. “It’s me.
Justin Timberlake.”
Silence. A deafening silence that
makes my heart pound in my ears. I’m
almost afraid he hung up.
“Justin. How’ve you been?”
Thank God. He’s still there. “Uh…well,
I’m out of rehab. Finally. And
this time it’s for good.” I
take a deep breath and try to fight the tears that are forming in my eyes. “I
don’t want to be that man anymore, JC. Ever.
Ruined too many lives. My own included.”
Again with the silence. Come on, Josh, say something! Anything!
“So why’d you call?”
Anything but that.
I called because I still love you, because I miss you, because I need you. I
called because…
“Oh, just to say hello. It’s been awhile.” Yeah. Something like that.
“Sure has.”
“So…um…you think maybe we could…I mean…” Fuck this is hard.
“I don’t know, Justin…”
“I…I just want to talk, JC.”
He sighs, and I imagine him running his fingers through the short spikes on his
head. “Ok, Justin. Be
here in an hour.”
I never knew relief could feel so good.
“Yeah, ok. See you then.” A
soft click as he hangs up.
I spend the next hour getting ready. I’m
wearing his favorite outfit…dirty denim jeans that ride low on my hips, a long
sleeve white shirt that he bought me…it hugs my body in all the right places.
I wonder if he remembers.
The drive over there kills me. Fuck,
I can’t stop shaking. Get it together, Timberlake. It’s just Josh.
I pull in the driveway and sit in the car for ten minutes. He
probably saw me pull up, probably wondering what the fuck I’m doing.
It’s now or never.
I ring the doorbell, wait. I
don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my entire life…
Except the first night I spent without him. The night he left. The night he told me he couldn’t take it
anymore, I needed help, he wasn’t going to sit around and watch me kill myself.
I haven’t seen him since then.
And then he opens the door. And I
stop breathing.
He’s more beautiful than I remember him; his hair is longer now, almost curly.
He’s got those same silver-blue eyes, the same chiseled cheekbones, the same
full lips that I have been longing to kiss for a year.
He’s not wearing a shirt, and I beg my eyes to stop staring at his chest, his
stomach, the tiny hairs just under his belly button.
He’s wearing draw string pajama pants that ride low on those diva hips of his;
this is torture.
He doesn’t say a word, just steps aside so I can come in. I
shove my hands in my pockets and look at the floor, kicking my foot at nothing.
I follow him into the house, my insides trembling at the sight of him. Did
I mention that he’s beautiful?
The living room is dark; a fire
rages in the fire place and soft music drifts around my ears. I watch as he sits down on the couch, drawing one leg up and
placing his foot on the inside of his thigh.
I hesitate, not quite sure what my next move should be.
“You can sit down, Justin,” he almost laughs, nodding at the empty space on
the couch.
I sit on the other end, don’t want to invade his space or make him
uncomfortable.
He looks at me, and the way the fire is dancing in his eyes makes my breath
catch in my throat.
“Sorry it’s so dark, I was just relaxing when you called. Been a long
day.”
“I know what you mean. I’ve had
too many long days.” But he
already knows that.
“It’s been awhile, Justin. A
long while.”
A long while since I fucked everything up. A long while since I broke the heart
of the only person I will ever love.
“Yeah.” My hands are shaking as
I run them through the curls on my head, the curls I grew back because I was too
lazy to bother getting them cut. “JC?”
“Yeah.”
“I…I’m sorry.” And I wait.
Will he accept my pathetic apology? Or
will he glare at me through the same sad, angry eyes he glared at me through the
day he left?
He laughs bitterly. “Sorry for
what, Justin? Do you even know what
you’re sorry for?”
“I’m sorry for fucking up. I’m
sorry for ruining everything. I’m sorry for hurting you. I can’t
remember everything that happened, JC. Fucked
up, I know, but so was I.” I feel
the tears building up behind my eyes, and it’s going to be harder to fight
them this time. “But I remember
that I hurt you. And for that, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that…that it hurts,
Josh.”
And then the tears come. The hot tears, slowly at first, tracing tiny lines down
my cheeks, then faster.
“You’re damn right you hurt me, Justin!" he shouts, pounding his hand
on the cushion next to him "Jesus,
I would have done anything for you, and you threw everything we had away. You
didn’t even try to get better, not even when I was on my knees begging you to
get help! Fuck, Justin, do you have
any idea how much I fucking love you?”
Love you. Not loved you. He didn’t use it in the past tense. Please,
please let him still love me.
“I thought I was going to die without you. I hated not having you in my arms when I slept, waking up
without you.”
He’s sobbing now. Crying so hard
his body is shaking. He never
cries. And my heart is breaking, because I’m the one who did this to him.
I’m the one that put those huge tears in his azure eyes, I’m the one that
caused his heart to break.
“I miss you, Josh,” I whisper, so softly that I’m not even sure he hears
me. I look up at him, at the
beautiful man that means more than anything to me, the man that I caused so much
pain. “I need you.”
I edge closer to him, almost afraid he’s going to jump up and run away.
I know would if I was in his position.
But he doesn’t. He stays put, gazes into my eyes as I move closer, stretching
my arms out and wrapping them around his waist.
His skin is so soft, just as soft as I remember it, and it’s hot under my
fingertips. He closes his eyes and
nuzzles his face into my neck as I pull him closer.
His hot tears soak through my shirt and I hold him tighter.
“I’m so sorry, Josh,” I choke. “So sorry.” I run one hand up his arm, reaching up and smoothing his hair
as I whisper apology after apology.
“Justin.” He lifts his head
from my shoulder and looks up at me. My
heart breaks with each tear that traces down his cheeks. “Why
are you here? Why did you come here? Why did you call me?”
There are a million words I could use to explain why I came here, why I called
him. But I use only three.
“I love you.”
His soft blue eyes crinkle at the edges and his lips turn up in a small smile.
So I keep going.
“I miss you. I need you.”
“Need me?” he questions, laying
his head on my shoulder again.
“I need you to keep me sane, Josh. I
need you to help me stay on my feet. I need you by my side so I know I have
someone who…” I stop. I shouldn’t finish, because I don’t know if he
still loves me.
“Someone who loves you,” he whispers.
Thank you. God, thank you.
I jump when I feel his hand on my thigh. Cool lips press against my neck, and I close my eyes. He
plants small kissed behind my ear, along my jaw…stops just before he gets to
my lips.
“I love you, Justin. I’ve always loved you. Always will,” he whispers.
“It’s just been awhile since you’ve been yourself…and now that you’re
back, I’m never going to let you go.”
And I wait. To taste him. To taste
the cinnamon that I know will be on his tongue, to taste the sweet flavor of the
gum he’s constantly chewing.
He presses his lips to mine, gently. Licks
his tongue across my lower lip, asking for permission to proceed.
I part my lips to let him in.
And it’s the same. The same
taste, the same feeling, the same love.
It’s been awhile, but I still remember.