Gone


There’s a thousand words that I could say
To Make you come home…

Wasn’t that the truth. “I love you, I need you, I miss you, I want you, I’m sorry.”

Seems so long ago you walked away
And left me alone.

The song blared through the speakers of Justin’s sound system. He could have gone in to any room in the house and heard it.

The house was so empty without him there. Justin hated it.

...God, Josh, please come back…

It was his own fault that JC left him. He’d been a jerk, he’d broken one too many promises.

And he’d cheated on him.

The fact that Justin cheated on him destroyed JC, but the act itself wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that Justin had cheated with Lance.

Lance had apologized a million times over, hadn’t known what he was doing. He was drunk, and Justin took advantage of that.

He’d been drunk too, of course, but that wasn’t anything new. He was drunk most of the time.

And that’s another reason JC left.

He’d promised JC he’d stop drinking. He wouldn’t go to clubs anymore, wouldn’t drink at parties…but he did it anyway. Broke every promise he made to JC.

Except the one where he promised he’d love him forever.

I remember what you said to me…
You were actin’ so strange.
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change.

“I’m not going to stand by and watch while you kill yourself, Justin.,” he’d said the day he left. “It’s not the same anymore.”

And so he left, walked out the door. Justin didn’t know where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing…he didn’t show up at rehearsals, and they’d had to make up stupid excuses for JC missing the past two shows.

Was it something I said to make you turn away
To make you walk out and leave me cold.


Not something you said, Justin., he thought. Something you did.

If I could just find a way to make it
So that you were right here right now.


He’d do anything.

***

JC sat on the balcony  of his hotel room., staring out at the city below him. He heard Justin’s voice coming from the room.

I’ve been sittin’ here.
Can’t get you off my mind.
I’ve tried my best to be a man and be strong.


He didn’t know why he was listening to this song. It was just making him even more depressed. And as for being a man and being strong, the tears streaming down his cheeks showed that he was as weak as they came.

I drove myself insane
Wishin’ I could touch your face.
But the truth remains you’re
Gone.


Gone. Justin was gone…the Justin he used to know, the sweet Justin who’d do anything for him, the Justin who didn’t drink and didn’t cheat and didn’t lie…he was gone.

JC wanted him back. Wanted him back more than anything.

***

Justin lay sprawled across his bed, head turned to face a picture of he and JC.

Now I don’t want to make excuses baby.
Won’t change the fact that you’re gone.
But if there’s something that I can do
Won’t you please let me know.

He’d tried to make excuses, tried to explain. “It was a mistake, Jace. I was drunk, it didn’t mean anything.”

“You’re always drunk, Justin.”

“What can I do to fix it? Please, Josh, what can I do?”

“Nothing, Justin. This time, there’s nothing you can do.”

The time is passin’ so slowly now.
Guess that’s my life without you.
And maybe I could change my every day
But baby I don’t want to.


A week JC had been gone. It felt like a year. Justin wanted everything to go back to the way it was, the way it was before he needed alcohol to live his life, the way it was before he’d made so many mistakes.

So I’ll just hang around and find some things to do
To get my mind off missin’ you.
And I know in my heart
You can’t say that you don’t love me too…
Please say you do…

The day JC left, Justin pleaded with him. “I know you love me, Josh. You can’t say you don’t love me.”

JC didn’t say anything. Just turned and walked out the door.

***

JC regretted not telling Justin that he loved him. He did love him, loved him more than anything.

I’ve been sittin’ here.
Can’t get you off my mind.
I’ve tried my best to be a man and be strong…
I drove myself insane
Wishin’ I could touch your face.
But the truth remains you’re
Gone.


JC wanted to help Justin…but Justin didn’t want to be helped. He wanted to drink, and get high, and sleep with as many people as he could, then lie about it. The alcohol was ruining Justin’s life, and JC hated to see it happen…but there was nothing he could do unless Justin would let him.

What will I do
If I can’t be with you.
Tell me where will I turn too…
Now that we are apart…
Am I still in your heart?
Baby why don’t you see
That I need you hear with me…


Justin’s raw voice, the voice he used in the last verse of the song, floated through the room. JC shivered. That sound always sent chills down his spine…it was the sound of the man he loved pouring all his heart, all his soul, into that note…if only he put that much effort into their relationship.

***

Justin’s phone rang.

“Hello?” Justin said sadly, slurring the word a bit.

“Justin.”

No. It couldn’t be…could it?

“J-josh?” Justin whispered, tears pricking his eyes.

“Let me help you, Justin.”

“Josh…”

“You need help. Let me help you. I want to help you.”

“I don’t need help. I don’t…all I need is you.”

“You need help, Justin…if you don’t get help, we can’t be together.” JC prayed Justin would agree with him.

“Josh…fuck, Josh I don’t need help. I just need you.”

JC sighed heavily and wiped away a tear. “Good bye, Justin.”

But the truth remains, you’re…



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