Josh
couldn’t sleep. It was 2:00 am; he’d been lying in his bed for over three
hours, and he couldn’t fall asleep. He’d listened to Justin cry himself into
a restless slumber before squeezing his eyes shut and trying to find sleep
himself, but it just wasn’t working. He wanted to crawl into Justin’s bed,
wrap his arms around him, and hold him tight, whispering promises of forever.
But he’d promised Justin that he’d leave him alone. And now he was kicking
himself for it. He sighed heavily and rolled onto his back, staring up at the
ceiling.
How did it come to this? he wondered. How did it go from making
love to sleeping in separate beds all in the span of five hours?
Frustrated, he kicked the covers aside and pulled on a pair of jeans before
tugging Justin’s sweatshirt over his head. He breathed in deeply, inhaling the
scent of his lover, before quietly slipping out the door. He needed to think, he
needed to sleep, and maybe a long walk in the rain would help.
***
Justin rubbed his eyes and sat up slowly, blinking in the dark. His eyes were
swollen from crying, and he rubbed them again. “Josh?” he said softly.
“Are you awake?”
I shouldn’t wake him, he thought, rolling over on his side. Fresh
tears formed in his eyes when he remembered why they weren’t in the same bed.
The pain he felt when his mom brought up Lance. The look on Josh’s face when
he pushed him away.
He knew Josh loved him. And he wanted to believe that they’d be together
forever.
But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t scared to death that Josh might find
some reason to leave him, just like Lance did. And he’d done a pretty good job
of dealing with that fear, until his mom had opened her big mouth and brought it
all crashing to the surface.
He sighed and slid out of his bed, walking over to Josh’s and kneeling beside
it. “Josh, baby, wake up.” As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Justin came
to a startling realization.
Josh wasn’t there.
His heart beat wildly in his chest, his breath coming in short pants.
“No,” he said aloud, crawling onto Josh’s bed and bringing his knees to
his chest. “No, I did not push him away, please tell me he didn’t leave me,”
he whimpered to the empty room. Tears slid down his cheeks and he wiped them
away angrily, refusing to believe that Josh was gone.
He blinked at the clock. 3:00 am. Where the hell could he be?
Suddenly, he heard the door click open, and his head snapped up.
“Justin?” Josh asked, squinting at Justin. “Baby, what are you doing
up?”
Justin sniffled but didn’t answer, burying his face in his knees.
Josh walked slowly towards his bed, sitting down next to Justin. “Baby,
don’t cry,” he whispered, almost afraid to touch Justin.
“I thought you left me,” Justin whispered. “I thought you were gone, I
thought I screwed up again.”
“I would never leave you like that, Justin,” he said quietly, scooting
closer to Justin. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Justin whispered, wiping the tears from his face. “I’m
sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, baby. It’s ok.”
“It’s not ok. I freaked out on you. I pushed you away. I acted like an idiot.”
“But all with good reason, baby.”
Justin scoffed. “You can’t tell me that it didn’t hurt like hell when I
told you I was questioning your love.”
Josh winced, remembering. “Yeah. You’re right. It did hurt.”
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Justin whispered, burying his face in Josh’s lap.
“I just…my mom really got to me.”
“She was just upset, Justin. Probably wasn’t easy on her eyes to see me and
you…doing that, ya know?”
Justin nodded and burrowed his face deeper in Josh’s lap, sighing deeply.
“But she had no right to say that, Josh. None at all. She knows what I went
through with Lance, and she knows how hurt I was…and then she just goes and
makes a fleeting comment about it, like it meant nothing to me.”
Josh stroked Justin’s hair gently, rubbing at his temples. “I know, baby. I
was just as pissed as you were when she said that.”
Justin looked up and blinked, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“You were?” he said quietly.
Josh nodded, brushing the pad of his thumb across Justin’s cheek. “Yeah.
Because I saw how much it hurt you, and at that moment, I wanted to kill her for
doing that to you.”
“I love you so much, you know that?”
“Yeah, I do. And I love you too. And I don’t care if you don’t believe me,
and I don’t care if you’re scared. You’re gonna have to deal with me
forever, Timberlake, because I don’t plan on going anywhere until then.”
“Can we go to sleep now?” Justin asked through a yawn.
“Yeah, baby. You gonna sleep in my bed, or you gonna leave me over here all
alone?” Josh said, sticking out his lower lip.
Justin kissed him softly, sucking lightly on the lip Josh had stuck out at him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he mumbled against Josh’s mouth.
“Good,” Josh said, kissing his way down Justin’s neck. “Because
personally, I’m not very tired. And I was hoping maybe you would stay up and
play with me.”
Justin giggled and leaned his head to the side, giving more of his neck to
Josh’s mouth. “What did you have in mind?”
“Mmmm, I
dunno. Maybe
some of this,” he whispered, licking at Justin’s earlobe. “Or some of
this,” as his hand dipped into Justin’s boxers. “What do you think?”
Justin moaned, bucking his hips forward. “Sounds like fun.”
“Then what are you waiting for?” Josh asked, pulling the covers back and
patting the bed next to him. Justin scrambled in, tugging his boxers off and
falling into Josh’s arms.
He didn’t miss the whispered, “Forever,” that fell from Josh’s lips when
he came.