No use in sleeping…morning’s just outside. I’ve had about all I can bear. He sighed heavily, burying his face in the pillow to block out the sharp stream of light shining into his eyes. 6:30 am. August 29th, 2002. Perhaps one of the biggest days of his life. He was exhausted. Physically, mentally. Emotionally. He sighed again, rolling over onto his back, one arm slung across his face. He didn’t bother trying to get to sleep. He’d been trying all night, unsuccessfully. It was hard to take. All of it. The schmoozing, the rehearsals, the dancing, the singing. Being solo. He missed the guys more than he cared to let on. It killed him being away from them for this long. It was an eerie feeling knowing that they wouldn’t be on stage with him tonight. At least not for the performance anyway. And JC. His best friend, the one who’s opinion counted the most in the world to him. He hadn’t spoken to him in days. Weeks, maybe. He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that it seemed like forever, and it was killing him. Yeah. It was too much to take. He needed JC. To reassure him, to hug him tightly and tell him it would be all right. His stomach clenched as he thought of the day ahead. The night ahead. His first performance as anything other then NSYNC. His first performance as Justin Timberlake. Solo. He squeezed his eyes shut and pretended that he didn’t need JC at all. Chris and Joey would be there, after all. He rolled over and pretended that it was the same. *** Tears don’t need permission... He pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing the tears that slid down his cheeks. Because it wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth crying over. It was Justin’s decision, not his. Justin needed a life of his own, and Justin always got what he wanted. Had gotten what he wanted for as long as JC could remember. He rubbed at his face, wiping the wetness on his jeans and tugging his hat even lower on his head, covering the shimmering blue eyes that held emotions he wasn’t ready to reveal. Fear. Anger. Resentment. Sadness. Love. He shook his head and slid out of the limo, forcing the famous smile and waving at the crowd. Chris stood next to him, Joey on his other side. His brothers. His best friends. In his own limo, Justin took a deep breath, eyeing his bandmates from behind the tinted glass of the window. He closed his eyes, willed away his own tears, and stepped out of the limo, met with cheers and hoots and hollers. He took a step towards the three men, smiling at Joey, nodding at Chris. JC didn’t look at him, and he was whisked away for an interview before he had a chance to speak to any of them. In the theater, management had strategically placed him for seats away from the rest of *NSYNC. He leaned forward, trying to catch JC’s eye. But JC was wearing that damn hat that covered his entire face, and Justin got more frustrated by the second. “Justin honey, what’s the matter?” Lynn asked, patting Justin’s knee. “Nothing,” Justin muttered. “Nervous.” “JC?” His head snapped up and he eyed his mother carefully. “What?” She smiled gently. “He’ll get over it, honey. He always does. He’s proud of you. He’s just scared is all. Jealous, maybe.” Justin scoffed. “Jealous? What the fuck for?” “Don’t use that language around me, young man. And why wouldn’t he be jealous. You’re the one with all the talent, sweetie, and you’ve found a way to use it that doesn’t involve him.” Justin’s insides boiled with anger, his eyes narrow. “JC is one of the most talented men in the industry, and if I ever hear you talk about him like that again, you’re not going to like the outcome.” Lynn’s jaw dropped and Justin turned his attention to the stage, drowning out her apologies. When a random MTV official waved him down, signaling that he had to prepare for his performance, his heart raced. He stood, wiping his sweaty palms on his hands, and looked to his brothers. “Where ya going?” Chris teased. “Gotta perform,” Justin mouthed, the nervousness written all over his face. Chris smiled, giving him the thumbs up. “Good luck!” Justin nodded and headed backstage, a million thoughts racing through his head. *** This could be forever, this could be for now… JC stood back from the others, watching the screen intently, arms crossed. Amazing. He was just. Amazing. Hit every move. Every note. Every smile. Every flick of the tongue. Amazing. JC felt his heart swell with pride for his friend. He tried to convince himself that the beating in his heart was excitement. Not pain. Justin was going to be huge. He was going to be the most in-demand solo artist in recent history. Solo being the operative word. Solo meant no *NSYNC. Solo meant on his own. Solo meant… Forever? No, JC thought, shaking the thought from his head. But it wasn’t that easy for him to dismiss the idea. At the beginning, he was convinced that Justin’s solo project was just that. A project. But in the past few weeks, his beliefs were starting to fade. At JC’s birthday party, all Justin could talk about was the album. And suddenly there was a World Tour? Where was JC when that memo was posted? “Yo, C!” JC was startled from his thoughts by Chris, who was clapping him on the back. “Come on, man! We gotta go attack our boy!” JC smiled weakly, following Chris and Joey towards a hopeful-looking Justin. He watched as they congratulated him, told him how great he was. Chris planted a wet kiss on Justin’s cheek, and Justin laughed, wiping it off with the back of his hand. JC held back, hands shoved deep in his pockets, head down. When he felt Chris and Joey brush past him, he got the nerve to look up. Justin stood there, looking at him expectantly. “Nice job,” JC said. “Looked good.” Justin nodded, looking at his feet. “Thanks.” When Justin looked up again, JC was gone, following on the heels of Chris and Joey. JC wouldn’t even look at him when they were on stage. *** Meet me in New York City, from there we can drive away… Justin downed his beer and scanned the area below him. He hung over the balcony of whatever house he was at. He couldn’t remember right now, and he really didn’t care. All he knew was that JC was here, and he was bound and determined to find him. Turned out it wasn’t as difficult as he’d thought. Because JC found him instead. “Hey.” Justin jumped, looking over his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, suddenly very interested in the empty glass of beer he was holding. “Brought you another one,” JC said, handing Justin a full glass and removing the empty one from Justin’s grasp. “Thought you could use it.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You look stressed.” Justin scoffed, rolling his eyes and turning back to the railing, leaning against it. “Like you care.” JC sighed, leaning next to Justin, his arm brushing against the other man’s. They stood in complete silence, JC swishing his Cristal, poking at the strawberries floating there, Justin staring straight ahead, sipping his beer. “I do,” JC finally said. “Do what?” “Care.” “You could have fooled me, JC. Because fuck, you’re acting like I’m the last person in the world that you’d want to associate with.” JC didn’t have a response to that, partly because what Justin had said was true. Justin laughed bitterly, taking another swallow of beer. “That’s what I thought.” “Justin,” JC started, rubbing his temples. “Fuck.” Justin just stared at him through curious eyes. “It’s not that easy.” “I don’t get it.” “I can’t just…god, Justin! I can’t just let you go!” Justin blinked, swallowed hard. “What?” “Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!” “JC,” Justin said, placing a hand on JC’s shoulder. JC abruptly pulled away. “JC, calm down.” “No! God, Justin. No! I can’t…this is like…forever, Justin. For-fucking-ever. And I can’t let you.” Justin stared at JC, completely confused. “C…I don’t understand what you’re saying.” “Do you have any idea how fucking good you were tonight, Justin? How much people fucking loved you? Why, Justin? Why would you come back to me—“ JC stumbled over the word. “To us!” he added quickly. “When you have all that? When you can do it on your own?” Justin’s shoulders sagged as he reached for the railing for support. He couldn’t believe this. “JC, you…I’m not…this isn’t about that.” “Yes it is.” “No! I’m not leaving anyone, JC. I’m not! I love you guys way too fucking much to just walk away! How selfish do you think I am?” “I won’t let you do it. I won’t let you be the downfall of *NSYNC. I can’t.” “JC—“ “I’m leaving. The group. It’s…it’s over, Justin. I can’t let you ruin it for yourself. I’m…I quit.” Justin’s eyes widened, his heart in his throat. He knew JC had a manager, and he knew JC had been working a lot…but… Leaving *NSYNC? No. No fucking way. “No.” JC turned away, finishing what was left of his drink. “No, JC.” “I’m sorry, Justin.” “No! God damn it JC, NO.” Tears streamed down Justin’s cheeks, angry tears that fought their way from the blue of his eyes against his will. “I’ll keep in touch. Don’t tell the other guys, ok? I’ll…I have to tell them myself.” Justin stood frozen as JC walked away. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t let this happen. JC jumped when he felt strong fingers wrap their way around his bare bicep. “The fuck if you’re leaving, JC. Fuck you,” Justin hissed in his ear, gripping JC’s flesh tighter and pulling him towards the door. He whispered something in Randy’s ear, giving the bodyguard a stern look. Randy pressed something into Justin’s palm, and JC had no choice but to let himself be dragged away. “Justin,” he whispered harshly. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing.” The headlights of the Suburban flashed as Justin unlocked the doors, opening the passenger door and forcing JC inside. He climbed behind the steering wheel and started the vehicle. “Buckle up. This could be a bumpy ride.” *** Slip it into cruise control…just put the seat back let it down. They’d been driving for two hours. JC had no idea where they were, or where they were going. Only that they were probably almost out of New York and Justin had the cruise set at 80. He was almost afraid to ask. Justin’s jaw was set, his left hand gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles were white. They hadn’t said a word to one another. And JC had the sudden urge to crawl over and fuck Justin into the seat. Screw the fact that it would probably cause a major accident. Something about Justin right now…pissed off, fists clenched, fighting for JC to stay. It was turning JC on, and he couldn’t deny it. So he acted. For once in his life, he was going to take what he knew belonged to him. “Fuck you, Justin,” he said, staring at the younger man. Justin ground his teeth, looking at JC from the corner of his eye. He didn’t respond. JC moved closer. “Didn’t you hear me?” he said, softer this time. “I said…fuck you, Justin.” Still no response. JC reached up and pushed “play” on the CD player, knowing full well what song would blare from the speakers. Can’t nobody love you like I love you… Justin turned to JC and glared, reaching up to turn the song off. JC slapped his hand away, fast forwarding to the part he wanted to hear. Played number three, joint called Brain JC grinned, one hand sliding to Justin’s inner thigh. “You want me to make you swerve, Justin?” Justin pushed JC’s hand away, staring straight ahead. “Fuck off.” JC sighed, moving back to his seat, reclining it and closing his eyes. When he woke up, the sun was shining onto his lap, heating it up to an ungodly temperature. “Fuck,” he swore, wiping his brow. He looked over at Justin, who seemed to be barely awake. “Pull the fuck over,” JC said quietly, reaching for the air conditioning. “And what are you trying to do, fry me to death? I know you hate me, but death by heat? Come on, Justin. You can do better than that.” “I’m not pulling over. The air conditioner is broken. And I don’t hate you.” “Can we at least roll down a window then? Because fuck, I’m about to melt.” Justin almost cracked a smile as he rolled down the windows. Almost. “Where are we?” Justin shrugged. “You don’t know.” “No, I know.” “And you’re not telling me because…” “I don’t know.” “Can we stop? I gotta piss, man.” Justin did smirk this time, and JC felt a tiny weight lifted from his shoulders. “Yeah.” Justin pulled off at the next exit, and JC had never been so happy to see a gas station in his entire life. He sighed in relief, zipping up and washing his hands before returning to the Suburban. He thought about jumping in the driver’s side and taking control of the situation, but part of him had to admit that Justin had him curious. “Thinking about flying the coop?” JC jumped, because Justin was right behind him, chest pressed to JC’s back. “No,” JC said, his voice just above a whisper. “Good,” Justin breathed, and JC got shivers up and down and back up his spine. He climbed into the car and stared straight ahead, ignoring the fact that Justin’s hand was in his lap. They drove like that for exactly 26 minutes. JC had counted, because it was the only way he could keep his mind off the “Justin’s hand is in my lap” thing. Justin broke the annoying silence. “Why?” JC turned his head just a little, trying to gauge the look on Justin’s face. “Why what?” “Why would you want to leave?” JC didn’t miss the crack in Justin’s voice. “I told you.” “No. You didn’t. You told me you couldn’t do it. That you had to leave. You didn’t say why.” JC sighed, resting his head on the back of his seat, closing his eyes briefly. How was he supposed to explain this to Justin? He didn’t even know where to begin. “JC? Please. Talk to me,” Justin said, squeezing JC’s thigh every so lightly. “I can’t let you do it.” “Do what?” Justin asked, impatient. “Justin. If you…” JC ran a hand over his face, pulling at the curls surrounding it. “I can’t let you go. I can’t let you leave the group behind. Because if you do…then you’ll look like the bad guy, and the fans will hate you. And I can’t let that happen.” Justin was staring at him. He realized that after he finally turned his head towards the younger man. Staring at him in shock. “You’re kidding, right?” JC shook his head. “Not at all, Justin.” “JC…” “No. No, Justin. I don’t want to hear it. Just…drive, ok? Just drive.” Justin sighed, blinking twice and turning away from JC. He promptly removed his hand from JC’s lap, placing it in his own and ignoring JC for three hours. JC couldn’t take it anymore. “We need to stop, Justin. You’re falling asleep at the fucking wheel, and I’d prefer not to die in a fiery wreck.” Justin didn’t answer, but he got off at the next exit and pulled into the parking lot of some dingy motel, not talking to JC the entire time they were checking in. JC smiled to himself when Justin asked for one room. “Our rooms only have one bed, sir,” the clerk said, eyeing both men. “A single bed.” “Just give me the key,” Justin said. JC followed him to the room, closing the door behind them. He needed a shower, and something to drink, and sleep in an actual bed. He heard the water running and realized Justin had beat him to the shower thing. He plopped down on the bed, waiting. And thinking. What was Justin trying to prove anyway? It wasn’t that big of a deal. Ok, JC rethought. So it was a big deal. Leaving *NSYNC was a huge deal. He wasn’t even sure he could make it on his own. But he knew how Justin would react if he failed. And he couldn’t watch him go through that. No way. Not if he could help it. He lay back on the bed, one hand behind his head, and closed his eyes. He must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew, Justin was shaking him. “Take a shower, JC.” JC rubbed his eyes and nodded, trying not to look at Justin’s half naked form. It took everything he had not to touch himself in the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist, cursing when he remembered that he didn’t have any clean clothes. His heart stopped when he realized that Justin didn’t either. And suddenly he just couldn’t go back in that room. “JC?” Justin called. JC didn’t answer, just stared at himself in the mirror. When Justin knocked on the door, JC didn’t have any choice but to open it. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” “Why are you hiding in the bathroom?” “I’m not!” Justin smirked at him, shaking his head. “Whatever. I’m going to bed.” “Um…yeah. Ok. I’ll just um…sleep on the floor.” Justin gave him a strange look, grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the bathroom. “Number one, you will not sleep on the floor. Number two, you will sleep in this crappy single bed. With me. Number three, you will tell me what the fuck your problem is or I will throw you out the damn window.” JC had no doubt that Justin would actually do it. With a sigh, he conceded. “Sit,” he said, nodding towards the bed. Justin obeyed, folding his hands in his lap. Which, JC noted to himself, was covered only by a small white towel. “I can’t let you fail,” JC said quietly. Justin wasn’t sure he’d heard him right. “What?” “I can’t, Justin. I can’t let you fail as a solo artist, because it will kill you. I know you, and I know how much your work means to you, and I know how much your fans mean to you, and if you leave us, those fans will hate you. And I love you too much to let that happen.” And shit. Did he let those words come out of his mouth? Justin sat there, gaping at him. “JC…I’m…” Justin swallowed hard, blinking away tears. “I’m not leaving you. I’m not…I could never leave you. *NSYNC. Never.” “You say that now, Justin. But—“ “No. No, JC. There are no buts. I’m with you guys for the long haul, solo album or not. I got where I am because of you. How could I just forget that? Just leave it all behind?” “I don’t know,” JC said, eyes shining with tears. “I can’t lose you.” “I love you.” JC blinked. “What?” “I love you.” JC thought his legs were going to give out, because suddenly Justin was kissing him. Not a hard kiss. A tender, sweet kiss that said everything they hadn’t said. Everything they needed to say. Justin tugged on JC’s hand, pulling him onto the bed, wrapping his arms around JC’s slim waist. “I love you, JC. God, I’ve loved you forever. I need you. Don’t you see that?” JC was having trouble seeing anything at this point, because Justin’s hand was between his legs and Justin’s lips were nibbling at his neck. “Let me love you, JC. Don’t push me away.” Justin rolled JC over on his back, hovering over him, kissing his eyelids, his nose, his lips. “Let me love you,” he whispered again. JC nodded, finally allowing his body to give in to what he had wanted all these years. When Justin slid inside him, he felt complete. He kissed the younger man, moaning when Justin’s fingers wrapped around his cock, stroking him to release. Justin came soon after, face buried in JC’s neck, panting JC’s name. “I’ll never leave, JC. Not as long as you want me around,” Justin whispered into JC’s neck hours later. They were tangled in the bed, limbs intertwined, fingers laced together. JC brought the back of Justin’s hand to his lips, kissing softly. “I’ll think I’ll keep you for now,” he teased. “Actually, I was thinking more like forever,” Justin whispered, kissing JC’s lips. JC didn’t miss the promise that lingered there. You soothe my soul…
Ma took a hit made me swerve in the lane.