Part 10


Realization

JC tugged his baseball cap lower on his head, leaning his cheek against the cool window of the bus as he bounced up and down with the bumps in the road.

He had no idea where he was going, or what he was going to do when he got there.

All he knew was that when the realization hit him, Justin’s face almost disappeared completely, and he had to get away.

It was when they were sitting together in the dark, Justin stroking his hair, begging JC to tell him what was wrong.

JC looked up in the darkness, and saw—or rather, didn’t see—Justin’s face.

And it hit him.

He loved this man.

He was so in love with this man that it was hurting him, killing him inside.

That was why all of this was happening to him.

In his mind, he knew the reason Justin was a blur.

In his mind, he knew that he was blocking Justin’s face out because he didn’t want to deal with his feelings.

In his heart, he wanted to sing out Justin’s name to the world and profess his undying and unconditional love.

He was in an emotional tug of war between mind, body, and soul, and it was tearing him apart.

He opened his eyes, then closed them again, head bouncing against the window, when his cell phone buzzed in his pocket.

He fought the urge to look at the display, because in his heart he knew it was Justin. He couldn’t talk to him right now, because he knew Justin would either beg him to come back or scream at him for leaving.

He couldn’t handle either situation, so he let the phone vibrate until his leg was numb.

“He’s not answering,” Justin whimpered, slamming his phone down angrily.

“Obviously he doesn’t want to be found, Justin,” Lance said softly, cocking his head at Justin.

“Well that’s just not acceptable!” Justin shouted. “We can’t just leave him, Lance! We have to find him!”

“He’s a big boy, Jus,” Lance said.

“And he’s also fucking depressed, Lance! Jesus, he could do something!”

“Justin, I know JC well enough to know that he’s not going to take his own life, ok? He just needs some time.”

“I can’t let him go.”

“What?”

“I can’t let him go, Lance. I have to find him. I have to tell him.”

“Tell him what?”

“I finally realized it. I finally know.”

Lance himself realized that Justin wasn’t really even talking to him anymore.

He was talking to himself.

“I realize it now. I know.”



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