Part 4


Can't Do It

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come along?” Justin asked softly, rubbing soothing circles on JC’s back.

They stood outside the hotel room, Tiny waiting patiently for JC. JC shook his head. “Can’t see you anyway,” he whispered, avoiding Justin’s face. “Be too hard.”

“Ok. If you’re sure. Come find me as soon as you get back, ok?”

JC nodded and started to walk away; he didn’t get far, because Justin grabbed his arm and whirled him around. “JC.”

JC studied the floor intently.

But Justin wasn’t giving up. He grabbed JC’s chin in his hand and pulled JC’s face up, forcing the older man to look at him.

“It’s gonna be ok, Josh. I promise.”

Unfortunately for JC, promises from a blur weren’t very convincing.

***

“Explain this to me again, Joshua.”

JC sighed in resignation. This was too difficult.

“I can’t.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what the problem is, Joshua.”

“I can’t do it.”

The doctor took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose, eyes closed. “Joshua…do you want me to help you?”

“I can’t see him,” he whispered, his voice barely audible.

“You’re speaking in riddles, Mr. Chasez.”

“It’s all a blur…”

“JC…please,” the doctor said gently, resting her elbows on her knees. “You’re obviously very troubled over something…or someone. I’d like to help you. But you have to meet me halfway.”

“I can’t do it.”

Talking about it would bring it all to light. His feelings would be exposed. His inner conflict would be analyzed.

And he simply couldn’t deal with that right now.

Justin or no Justin.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, shoving himself up from the chair and rushing from the room, tears stinging his eyes.

Sleep. Sleep sounded good right now.

A dark room. A big bed. A place where he could close his eyes and remember what Justin used to look like.

***

His bed had become his sanctuary.
Unhealthy, he thought, but what the hell.

It kept him away from the reality that was his life.

He was falling apart, and he knew it.

A knock on his door, and he groaned, forcing his eyes shut and feigning sleep.

“Josh?”

Justin.

“Josh, I know you’re awake. What happened, man?”

“I can’t do it.”

He heard Justin sigh, felt his weight shift to the center of the bed as Justin laid down next to him.

“Talk to me.”

“I can’t see you.”

“Explain it to me.”

“I…I don’t…”

Again with the crying. Violent sobs, shaking his body, shaking the bed, and most likely, shaking Justin, because as far as JC could tell, he was wrapped up in Justin’s arms, and he could swear that Justin was kissing his hair.

“It’s ok, Josh,” Justin comforted, rocking JC back and forth. “It’s ok.”

“I can’t do it.”

“Let me go with you. Let me help you.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because, man. I love you. What better reason than that?”

That familiar twist was a little different this time, and JC thought that he might have seen a tiny ray of sunlight flit through the clouds in his head.


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