It just happened. During the night, maybe. Late evening. Hell, maybe it was that afternoon or that morning after JC had left the house for the studio. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Except one thing. One thing, sitting on the couch. Submerged in the couch really. Just that one thing. And JC couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t wrap his mind around the concept. It was like a bad dream. A nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. No matter how fast he ran, or how loud he screamed. Thrashed. Cried. Begged. None of it mattered. Because the truth was staring him in his face. Or rather he was staring at the truth. It was there and God only knew if it was going away.
*~*~*~*
JC’s hand shot up in the air, a pillow falling unceremoniously, to the floor. “Wha?” His questioned went unanswered and he grounded himself further into soft and warmth. Covers tucked up to his ears. His arm reached out, slapping at the spot next to him in the bed carefully. It was still warm. Justin was up. JC snorted a little, rolling over, his eyes fighting to open. He needed to be awake. God. It’d been so long since he’d seen Justin. Not just seen him. Seen. Him. The past two weeks were routine. Regimented. And killing him. He left when the sun came up, kissing Justin’s barely parted lips, running a finger over a soft cheek, watching closed eyes flutter. Hearing breath even out again. He wrapped it up at the studio well after it was dark. Every night. And when he was finally home. Justin would be asleep, curled around JC’s pillow and softly snoring. And JC could barely find the strength to shed his clothes and fall into the bed. His eyes were always closed before he fully hit the mattress. Staying awake long enough to pull the covers and Justin around him. But now. Justin. His Justin was up and he needed to join him. Because last night had been no different. Except he didn’t even have the energy to pull Justin to him. “Baby.” JC sounded throaty. Too much singing. Too early. Not enough sleep. God, he was tired. He waited for a response. For a kiss. A touch. Anything. But when he opened his eyes the room was empty. And he was alone. He groaned, rolling out of the bed, catching himself with a strong hand before his face his the floor. He pulled himself up, bones making noises that made him grimace and rubbed his face. He pulled on sweat pants, a chill going through his body. He walked through the bedroom, heading for the steps. The kitchen in particular, because that’s where Justin would be. He swore, his knee cracking on the first step down. And God. When did mid-twenties become old. At this rate he’d be eating orange Jello from a spork, fed to him by a nurse in some posh retirement home within five years. The sound of sniffling pulled him from his thoughts. Hell. Because that was Justin’s sniffle and it wasn’t even seven o’clock in the morning and no, he hadn’t made it to the kitchen. “Justin?” Blue eyes, swarming with tears and a small pink mouth were the first things JC focused on. “Who the hell are you?” The sniffle was louder this time and the face surrounding those eyes and that mouth crumpled. JC strained to hear the quiet whisper of an answer. He stuck his finger in his ear, rubbing it around and it most artful and eloquent JC form replied. “Huh?” “It’s me.” JC laughed. Just a chuckle at first. Then full out, stomach clutching, side-wrenching, gut-aching laughter. Bordering on hysteria. Because there was no way this was his Justin. His Justin. No. It wasn’t possible. But those eyes. Fuck. Those eyes. That JC had seen cry so many times. Good times. Bad times. Worse times. He knew those eyes. And just like that he stopped laughing. Quiet sniffles filling the room. Taking over. He sat down hard, hitting the edge of the arm of the over-stuffed chair, losing his balance and falling somewhat gracefully into the actual seat. “Fuck. Me.” This was beyond JC. He didn’t have the experience for this. Hell, who did have the experience for this? He stood from the chair, walked to the couch, sat down heavily again. Justin gave him a questioning look. A, ‘can you comfort me cause I’m really fucked up,’ look. And he gave in. His arms wrapping around his lover. His best friend. His soulmate. Hot breath radiated through his shirt where Justin’s mouth pressed against his chest. Taking in huge gulps of air, like he couldn’t breathe. When in actuality, it was to prevent the sobs from escaping. “What happened Justin? God. What the fuck?” Justin only shook his head, his nose brushing against thin hair scattered across JC upper body. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” It was like it became his mantra. Repeating it over and over. And there was nothing like good old repetition. “This....Fuck. What are we gonna do?” “I don’t know.”
*~*~*~*
They sat there. Not moving. Not speaking. A continuous shudder running through Justin’s body, quiet sniffles every now and then. And JC knew his t-shirt was soaked through with tears when they finally pulled apart. Still touching, but not as close. Not anymore. His world. What had been his entire world for the last seven years of his life had turned sideway and gone skidding off the page within a matter of minutes. Justin was a girl. And there was no explanation. It wasn’t some hair dye that Justin had used lately or bad sushi he ate. It wasn’t some genetic mutation or family fairy tale. This was real. And his boyfriend was now his girlfriend. “Josh?” That voice. It was the same. Almost the same. A little higher. A little more delicate. JC studied his face. Softer edges, less sculpted. A girl. His attention turned to the fragile girl sitting next to him. His eyes looking on in amazement. “Yeah?” “What are we gonna do?” JC smiled. It was still his Justin. Always insecure about their relationship. Afraid every time he did something JC would leave him. Waiting for the night that JC kicked him out of the bed and out of his life. Never feeling quite worthy of being loved. But it was still a girl. A girl Justin. A girl. “I don’t know baby. I don’t know.”
*~*~*~*
“Stop looking at me.” JC smirked and flipped off the television. “Can’t help it.” It had been two weeks. Two long weeks of GayMan JC and Girl Justin. No one knew what had happened. They’d simply told everyone they needed alone time and that was the end of that. And for two weeks they’d been together. As friends. Relearning things they’d forgotten. And absolutely no sex. At all. Justin was paranoid. Hesitant. Scared. All the time. “Just stop. I...I don’t like it.” “Why?” “I’m not...I’m not me. I miss you telling me I’m beautiful. I’m not anymore. Not that I was to begin with but now. It’s worse and don’t look at me. Please. You...just stop.” JC would have laughed if it wouldn’t have been such a serious conversation. Such degrading words Justin used to describe himself. He settled for a frown knowing nothing good would come out of this. “Let’s go to bed.” Justin sighed, pulling himself off the couch and heading up the stairs. Justin entered the bathroom first, washing his face, brushing his teeth. And smiled shyly as he passed JC on the way out. JC shut the bathroom door behind himself, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. Things were crazy. And there was no end in sight. He missed Justin. His boy. His life. This was...too much. Not enough. Not right. He was in the bathroom for over an hour sitting, thinking. Doing a lot of nothing. And by the time he left the bathroom, flicking off the light, Justin was asleep on the bed, a book lying open still in his hand. Her hand. Small, delicate hand. JC edged toward the bed, settling next to Justin legs. Long, pale, slender, smooth legs. He smiled, his fingers tracing down Justin’s cheek. Clothed in one of JC’s t-shirts, pulling around his hips from moving around. Long, loose ringlets scattered over the pillow. Wild and heedlessly placed. He focused on Justin’s face. Scrubbed clean of all make up. Something he had become accustomed to since the day he and JC had messed around it. Making each other over like girls at a sleep over. “You’re beautiful.” He hadn’t changed. It was still his Justin. He had to make sure Justin knew it.
*~*~*~*
Justin turned once more, his eyes wide, seeking reassurance. “Are you sure? It’s not stupid looking.” JC’s voice was caught in his throat. He stared at Justin, standing in the middle of the living room self-conscious and bare. The pale blue sun-dress fell softly against Justin’s body. Not clinging. Flowing. Thin straps, one slipping down a soft shoulder, tied neatly at the top. White flowers, scattered across the pale blue, matching the flowers stuck carefully in Justin’s long curls. Bare from mid-thigh to ankle where white sandals adorned small feet. Toes painted in the same shade blue. “Beautiful.” Justin blushed, his head dropping down out of JC’s gaze. JC smiled, taking Justin’s hand and leading them out of the house. Their hands only separated getting in and out of the car. JC couldn’t help but notice the stares. The smiles. The appreciative nods. Justin kept his head down, letting JC direct them to a table at the small sidewalk café. Their chairs scooted closer together, Justin’s palm a little cold in JC’s larger hand. “You okay?” “Everyone’s staring. I look ridiculous.” “They are staring. Because you look amazing. Amazing, baby.” Justin looked up through his lashes, tears balancing precariously on the edge of lower lids. “Thank you.”
*~*~*~*
JC was pretty sure he was going to die laughing. Death by Laughing. Didn’t sound quite as good as Death by Chocolate, but it would have to do. He gripped his side, moaning from the pain, laughing even harder. Justin sat across from him, hair pulled up in a messy ponytail, wearing sweats and another one of JC’s shirts. “It’s true. Don’t laugh.” JC tried to calm down. His hand reaching out to touch Justin’s leg. “It’s funny.” Justin grinned. The same open, friendly, soul-showing smile he’d always had. “I know.” And he grew sober. Or well, she grew sober. Eyes looking up at JC, cloudy and expectant in a matter of seconds. “Is it always gonna be like this?” “Like what?” “Like this.” Justin gestured around, at him. Then at JC. And finally the space between them, before continuing. “Us. I know..I understand why you don’t want to be with me. And maybe...maybe if I looked like one of those supermodel girls in all those magazines then maybe you’d want to be with me again. I know you’ve been with girls before us. Me. But you don’t want to be with me now. When I’m a girl. And what if I don’t change back. I still love you. God I love you so much.” The damn broke tears falling freely, marking paths down Justin’s cheeks. “Justin. You’re...It’s not that. You’re still you. God. It’s still you. I love you. I do. No matter what. You’re so beautiful. More beautiful than those supermodel girls in those magazines. I don’t know how you do it. It’s a gift. A gift Justin. Everything you do, I don’t even understand how one person can have so much beauty. Sincerity. Love. You’re a gift. And you amaze me. It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside Justin. Boy, girl, frog. It doesn’t matter. It’s just the wrapping. You exude beauty in everything you do. It can’t be hidden Justin. Not by some packaging. You can’t hide beautiful. You can’t hide wonderful. No matter what you do. Or how hard you try to pretend you’re not. You glow. Radiate. It’s such a natural thing for you. Easy. And I love it. The way it makes me feel. I’m so blessed to be with you. And we might not physically be intimate right now. But that doesn’t me I don’t want you. It doesn’t. It means that what we have. What we’ve had for the last few weeks is more than I could ever ask for. I’ve rediscovered so much about you. So much that I should have never forgotten. If anything this has just reminded me of how much I love you. How much I’m meant to be with you. And I’ll never let you go. Never. So get used to me. Cause I’m always going to be right by your side.” Justin didn’t say anything, just curled into JC’s arms. Savoring the feel of protection. And admiration. And love. He cried until he was asleep. Never once letting go of JC.
*~*~*~*
“Josh. Josh!” JC groaned, his hands tightening, one on Justin’s waist the other around his hip. “Mm...” “Please...Josh. It’s...open you’re eyes.” JC’s eyes opened against their will, his mouth turning up into a smile. “I’m back. A boy.” “You are.” “I...how?” “I don’t know. Maybe...well maybe we needed to get back to simpler things. Remember why we fell in love. Remember where our priorities are. Remember what’s most important. And what will always come first.” The met in a slow kiss. Lips pressed together. Nothing more. They pulled back, staring at love-filled eyes. “Let’s just lay here. I just want you to...just hold me. For a little while. For as long as it takes. I just want to feel your arms around me.” JC nodded, pulling Justin closer to his own body. They closed their eyes, both smiling. And in the silent room, they could hear ‘Beautiful,’ echoing off the walls. Surrounding them.
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