Justin ducked his head, his fingers tracing the remote with a sound delicacy. He was fighting himself. Fighting the stereo in front of him. Part of him wanted to turn it off so bad. God. So bad. He didn’t want to listen to this. Didn’t want to experience it all again. Justin couldn’t turn it off, though. He owed him that much. He owed himself that much. He felt the couch move beside him and he looked over, his head staying down. The silence was respected as the last few chords echoed through the room. “Well...” Justin scratched the back of his neck, idly flipping the remote over in his other hand. “Can,” he stopped to lean back against the couch, his eyes closed. “Can you give me just a minute?” JC nodded, even though he knew Justin couldn’t see him. His eyes darted around the room and he took a drink of the sweating beer in his hand. He wasn’t nervous. He was confident in his music. Confident of his lyrics. And most importantly, after all this time, he was confident in himself. He was just curious. He wanted to know. Felt he deserved to know after all these years. “C?” JC looked up, giving Justin his attention. He propped his leg underneath him, moving a little more on the couch to get comfortable. His mouth turned up at the corner and he nodded expectantly. “So?” “It’s, I mean, it’s like you wrote our life. You put our life in a album.” JC snorted, shaking his head. “Justin, that’s not true and you know it. Not every song on this album is about you.” Justin finally looked over to him. “But some of them are.” JC’s gaze never wavered, his mouth never turning down. “Yes, some of them are.” Justin stood up hastily and moved to walk the runner laid in front of the couch. “I just don’t understand, I mean how I am supposed to take it? What am I supposed to feel when I know in less than a few hours people all over the world are listening to...listening to our lives.” “I think you’re reading into this too much. You know as well as I do that music has to come from somewhere. I wrote what I felt, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not embarrassed by it and I won’t be upset because you don’t like it. You’ve played the spotlight whore harder and longer than I have Justin. You put your life out there for everyone to see and never gave a shit at what that would do to the people around you. The people that love you.” “God dammit. Don’t make this about me. Don’t you dare. You’re putting words in my mouth and that’s not fair. Not now JC. Not after all this.” JC nodded, and rubbed his nose. “You’re right. It’s not fair. But don’t turn it into something it’s not Justin. I wanted you to listen to this for a reason. You’re opinion matters to me. Despite what you think.” “I don’t know what to think. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act.” “I think I’ve known you long enough to deserve more than an act. I want the truth.” “Why didn’t you let me listen before? Before it was done? Before you were done?” “I didn’t want to be influenced. I wanted this to be mine. God. I wanted this to be me. Not ours. Not yours. I just wanted something for myself.” JC sighed, and leaned back, waiting for Justin to respond. “I’m sorry.” “Excuse me?” JC sat forward, elbows on his knees. “Those songs. I don’t know if I can listen to that again JC. Ever.” “Okay. You don’t have to. I’m not going to force feed you this album, Justin. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. I just wanted you to hear it.” Justin looked up sharply from the carpet, his eyes wide and maybe just a bit glazed. “Lord no. I like it. I love it. It’s an amazing record. You sound amazing.” JC’s eyes narrowed, “Then what? I don’t understand.” Justin sat back down heavily, “It makes my heart hurt.” JC bit his lip and turned away from Justin’s face. “Okay.” “Dammit C, don’t laugh at me. I’m trying to tell you how I feel.” “And you turned into a girl when?” Justin huffed, rolling his eyes as his arms crossed. “Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry. Go ahead.” Justin dropped one arm to pick at the couch in the space between them. “It’s like...I know what you were going through now. Before, you know, it was just kind of there, but now that I’ve heard those words...I never wanted you to hurt.” “Can I remind you of “Never Again? You want to talk about hearts hurting?” “Don’t dig JC.” JC laughed and looked down at his beer. “There’s no getting around with you, is there?” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “It means that everything is always about you Justin. How you feel. What you think. What you want.” Justin frowned and looked up at JC. “Well there’s one song about me.” “Yes. That was about you.” “You’re such an asshole sometimes.” “I’m an asshole? Me? I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.” Justin slid his hand over, pulling one of JC’s away from the beer. He turned it over, running his fingertips over JC condensation damp palm, before interlocking their fingers. “I’m so proud of you I don’t know how to put it in words. You made that. With your words and your thoughts. Your emotions. I’m so glad your mine. And I’m yours.” JC leaned over, setting his beer on the coffee table. He leaned back, tucking one hand under him on the couch, pulling the other from Justin’s grasp. JC cupped the back of Justin’s head, putting just enough pressure into the act to pull Justin down, his cheek resting against the soft denim of JC’s jeans. “Are you okay?” Justin nodded, turning further into JC’s leg. He gave up picking at the couch in order to pluck at the loose strings on the worn jeans beneath his head. “I’m fine. And even if I wasn’t, what are you going to do about it now?” “Nothing. I love you, but I need to get this out. Not for people to hear it, but just for me. I’m not going to try and pretend I don’t have any feelings about everything we’ve been through Justin.” “They’re just so personal.” “It’s meant to be. Even the bad with us was good, Justin.” Justin snorted, pulling a little harder at the strings. “How do you figure?” “We learned from it, didn’t we? We learned we could live with out each other just fine. We just decided we didn’t want too. And I’m glad we found out rather than spending our entire lives unhappy or regretting it.” “A lot of those songs are about me, aren’t they?” “A lot of those songs are about sex.” Justin flushed a little, grinning at JC’s knee. “We have a lot of sex.” JC laughed and ran his hand over Justin’s hair. “A lot of them are about you, yes. It was how I was feeling.” “It’s just a little unnerving, you know?” To hear you say those words, I don’t know. I guess, I thought we sort of put it behind us.” “We did. But we didn’t forget it. And I can listen to this music and know that’s where I was, and that half of how I got back to where I am now. It’s like flipping through a photo album. You can’t just relive the good Justin, and if you did, there would be a lot you would miss out on.” “I’m sorry I over-reacted.” “You didn’t. I just wanted to make sure you whole story. I heard your side when you put out your album. Now you got to hear mine. You’re able to see the rest of the pictures now.” “It’s better than a picture.” JC looked down at the man resting on his lap and nodded. “Yeah. It is.”
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