Update
So, it's been quite a while since the last time I wrote anything. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I feel like someone is just stepping on my chest. It's hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to move and make things better. I feel stuck. I don't know what exactly to say without rehashing the events of the last year. But the least I must say is that Iowa has grown to become the stuff of my nightmares.

The truth of the matter is that I'e been driven to near madness by Iowa. And by Iowa, I mean the coaches, the faculty, the team itself, the campus, the city, the state, everything. I have lost every shred of confidence and ability that I arrived there with. I cannot make a decision - I don't trust myself in the least. It is quite a bizarre feeling to be alienated from oneself. I've cut myself off from those who love and care about me, but more than ever now I need to be loved and protected. Where the hell is my white knight?

Poetry II

Alone

It is so hard to be alone
Always on the outside looking in
Love is the greatest things I’ll never know
And my heart aches at the thought of you
(Because you don’t exist for me.)

When she looks into his eyes
When she stares into his soul
She doesn’t know what she is looking for
But she finds infinitely more
(In his gaze.)

My cold dark eyes peer into oblivion
And search for answers to my loneliness
And as always find nothing
And it is so unfair
(Why am I alone?)

My whispers are lost in the wind
My sorrows go quietly into the corner
To mend themselves up
But my hopes are forever lost
(There is no hope for them.)

What is this thing?
I found this on a friend's Xanga page. So yea, here's mine. I don't know if it's fitting. I hope that it is.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Poetry
This is some poetry I've made - I know, every girl has boy poetry and I'm no different. Those that know me well can probably figure out the inspiration for each piece. But that's okay too.

...

One Week (working title)

I really can’t believe its only been a week
And wait, no I’m wrong because it’s not a week at all
If you want to count Saturday, today is only Wednesday
And yet I already want you to call me just cuz you’re thinking about me
And I want to call you cuz I think of you all the time
So maybe when it’s been a week I will tell you some things
That I don’t want to say now cuz its totally too soon
But in a week it will be better.
Because we will have had seven whole days
And seven is more than twice as long as three
Because I really can’t count Saturday.
So when it’s been a week maybe I will tell you
That I want to have your children
Because they will be pretty and have your eyes and our height and we will make them into athletes too.
And maybe I will say that I think I love you too.
Is that weird?
It’s only been a week. No not quite a week yet. But soon. I’ll wait ‘til then.
I can’t find a flaw in you yet so maybe I’ll have to try a little harder because I need to find something wrong so I can feel like this is real and not something happening in my head.
Okay, so you don’t call me your girlfriend on the phone
Should I be mad?
Maybe you think that it would be weird cuz it’s only been a few days
Or maybe time is moving normally for you
And only I stretch hour upon tantalizing hour until I must wonder if you feel this way too in only 3 days.
You know, don’t blame me in any of this.
You are not what I wanted.
I wanted a hook up cuz I’m tired of being undesired and all the boys I know are weary of me so they don’t see that I want what they joke about so why don’t they just ask already? I’d probably say yes.
You are better than my expectations
And now I want exactly what I was avoiding
Maybe its because you kiss me like you kiss someone you’re happy and comfortable with
That makes me think its more than less than a week.
There is no sense of urgency.
No hurried sloppy physicality
But for all intents and purposes you should be.
You have less than a month with me
And it must be apparent by now that I don’t want to say no to you
So I won’t.
Our friends like us together
Did you know that?
They’re calling dibs on our kids on spots in our wedding.
There are so many things I want to tell you
But they sound bad now
So perhaps by Saturday
(I’ll count it as a week)
These words might be a little less awkward for me to try and say.
So for now, with less than a week under our belt I’ll say
“I like you”
And hope that the ambiguity of that statement
Can somehow convey the depth and breadth of its hidden meaning
And if you feel this way too you’ll totally get what I mean.
So that’s all I’ll leave it at
For now.
One week later is a whole different story.

unfinished letter to Steve
Part I of a letter to Steve - Introduction, and a lesson on honor:

Steve,
I don’t know what’s going to happen to you next fall. Whether or not you’re going to play football at Claremont-McKenna, or stay at OOC another year, I don’t care beyond wishing you only what will make you happiest. If you are going, though, I feel it my duty to provide fair warning.

A disclaimer before I begin though; I only speak from my own experiences here at the University of Iowa, a division I Big 10 institution. Your own situation might vary greatly. But you must know – being an athlete in college comes with great responsibility.

You are held in high regard by all around you. You are bound to a different set of standards as well, academically, athletically, and socially too. A minor celebrity due to your station, your actions and the manner by which you carry yourself will be under constant scrutiny. Beware of acting in ways that would paint you, your team, your family, and the institution as a whole in a negative light. You will get away with very little in comparison to regular students. Think about athletes like Maurice Clarett. Even the most seemingly banal of infractions can be blown way out of proportion.

Beware of the “jersey-chaser”. I know you are a more than honorable man, Steve, but they prove far more appealing than you can imagine. Think of it: these women know your name, your number, and everything about your athletic career. In many cases, they know much about your personal life as well.

They are gorgeous – beautiful beyond comparison and with game so well honed that they know how to say exactly what you want to hear. But they are Odesseian sirens in every sense. Maybe not right away, but listen too deeply to their song and they will pull you to ruin upon the rocks. They come in many types, all according to what they perceive that you want. They offer themselves willingly, easily to you. Sex, perhaps companionship too, if you’d like. They ask little of you in return beyond continued success. You must justify their submission to you by proving yourself a greater player on (and off) the field.

This may sound well and good now, but the truth of them is that they secretly erode, quietly chip away at all you’ve built for yourself. I have seen with my own eyes what they have done to greater men than you – now lay in utter ruin and piteous repose. Do not let them waster you, the vicious succubi.They pose one of the greater of the many challenges you will face in your life.

...

class scheduling
Well, I guess I’m going back a bit on my word. I did promise to try and avoid simply keeping tabs on my daily life. Okay, I’ll sack up and waste an entry doing just that. I’m not too sure how interesting it will be, but hey…it’s my blog, right?

Okay, so I registered for my classes next semester today, about 2 weeks before the schedules are opened up to the general population (Oh yeah, its good to be the king). The only people that get to do so before me are the football players. Oh well, so I don’t get to take Basic Acting (049:020) or Human Sexuality (042:112). I think I’ll live.

It was rather difficult to get good classes this time around though. The volleyball season runs through fall, so there are a plethora of limitations for when we can have class. No mornings. Practice runs from 8-11 am. No Fridays. Game day. No Thursday evenings. Travel day. And somehow I’m supposed to be able to fit a schedule relevant to my major (whenever I finally choose one)? Ah…the true life of an athlete. Not quite so sweet after all.

So, here’s what I came up with. I have 15 semester hours, exactly half of the credits required to advance a “grade” per year. Alright, that was confusing. Let me rephrase: I’m taking the median course load. And now for the classes. I have:

* First Year Japanese: First Semester. (39J:008) I’m pretty near-fluent in Spanish, and tested out of all college language requisites. I was going to take an upper-level Spanish class and get an easy minor tacked onto my degree, but could never manage to take the FLPT (foreign language placement test) they require. I’ll take it as a sign from God.

Anyhow, I do want to be able to speak another language. Spanish is so painfully common, especially where I’m from. Romance languages in general are common. I actually wanted to take Mandarin Chinese, but the only available beginner session violates multiple orders (1: No morning classes; 2: No Friday classes). Japanese fit well, and as an added bonus I’ll soon be able to watch my beloved Sailor Moon sans subtitles.

* Elementary Psychology. (031:001)
Another general education class that poses a mild interest to me. In reality, I hardly expect to come out of the class with a wealth of knowledge of the human psyche. This is a very common class to take, and I still see plenty of older undergrads that give funny looks at the mention of the id. It fit my schedule, and I feel a sense of belonging treading the same path many others have taken before me. So much for the road less traveled by, huh? My apologies, Frost.

* Recital Attendance for Non-Majors. (025:064) Alright, here I admit my jock-ish tendencies. This class is only worth a single hour, and all I have to do is go see some performances. And its not even like I have to pay to see them, thanks to my scholarship. I feel heinous just signing up for it. This is another one of those classes that the general population never gets to take thanks to lazy athletes like me. But, life is never fair.

* General Chemistry. (004:007)
Sadly, I still harbor delusions that I might one day go to medical school and pursue a career as a Sports Physician. This class both fills a necessary lab requirement and keeps me on my pre-med track.

* Creative Writing Studio Workshop. (08C:001)
I don’t think I’m a terribly good writer, but I have noticed a newfound fondness towards writing. I’m currently working on a few pieces of short fiction, but don’t really have the free time I’d like to work on them. How nice it will be to receive credit for doing something I already enjoy!

So, that’s my schedule next semester. It shouldn’t be too bad, and I tried to plan for a minimal amount of asinine busywork. It is the bane of my existence. I don’t do pointless work. Coincidentally, that is causing a bit of the trouble I’ve made for myself this semester. Eh, nothing a bit of extra effort won’t cure.

I also want to note the conscious lack of any courses aimed at a specific major. I’ve been more reticent than ever towards declaring a major. Unfortunately, these classes will fill the last of my gen-ed requirements on my degree evaluation. Hopefully by then I’ll have a much better idea of what I want to study. We can only pray.

People-Watching
Well, I’ve been hanging out with a friend of mine on my team a lot lately. She is a self-proclaimed “people-watcher”, and I believe she’d definitely rubbed off on me. As of late, I’ve been prone to watching the body language of other students in my class. I seem to have a tendency of observing more guys than girls, and mostly during my Art of the Theatre class (Monday/Wednesday – 12:30-2:30). Though, this also could be because there are several attractive young men in said class.

One of my favorite to watch is a 22 year old by the name of Cliff. He’s really quite nice, and I dare to call him one of those acquaintances that, were I to spot him in a bar, I would by a drink for. I’m sure he would do the same. In fact, he would have to, I’m not 21 yet.

Anyhow, at least in comparison to me, Cliff is a bit on the shorter side. While we were sitting outside during class one day, (we occasionally like to take advantage of nice spring days,) he sat next to me. His knees drawn into his chest, he’d managed to curl himself into the most endearing little ball. It seemed very cute and childish. Also, the fact that he looks nothing close to 22 years old might have had something to do with it. I keep telling myself I’m going to take pictures of interesting people, but I never do.

Another boy in my class, Lucas, is very tall and long. With short brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and a shy but relaxed personality, I find myself very drawn to him. But, of course, he has a girlfriend. Who is in the class. And she’s an athlete too. Though she is only a petite cross-country runner, I’d most certainly be wary of crossing her.

I had a scene with Lucas that we just finished that included a kiss at the end. Needless to say, our mutual fears of Michelle’s wrath lead to the kiss being quickly cut out of the scene. Oh well. I’d been looking forward to it, too. But, I digress again.

I like to watch him sit around when we’re not doing anything important. He’s a lot like me in that he likes to stretch himself out all over the place. It reminds me of a lion. Perhaps it’s because of our lankiness, but I always feel so weird and tense when I sit in other ways.

The third guy I like to watch is AJ. He is a friend of mine; a fellow athlete on scholarship for football. He, like Lucas and I, prefers to still more spread out. The thing I find most interesting about him is in his walk, and the way he interacts with other people. Very muscular (and proud of it, apparently), he puffs out his chest and stands very erect.

His gait is slow and regal, with the undeniable air of cockiness one would expect if you’d ever talked to him for more than five minutes. It’s not overly done though, to the point that it would be considered a turnoff. It’s just a definite pride in himself. Another aspect of the lion, perhaps?

I think I’m noticing a trend. I like the lion-like sorts of men.

I couldn't decide on a title, either
There are so many things on can do with his/her life; how does one go about choosing? This has always been an issue in my life, and the older I get, the more pressure I feel to make a decision and see it through.

(That would be my second sin – not following things through. I swear I have A.D.D.; somebody get out the Ritalin, stat!)

In high school, I played three varsity sports: volleyball, basketball, and track & field. And, honestly not attempting to sound egotistical, I played these sports well. Starting in my junior year, I was recruited by various institutions of varying prestige in each of them. After much debate about the likelihood of competing in all three sports in college while still getting a Masters degree for Biomedical Engineering in five years and starring as the female lead in the university’s production of La Bohéme, it was decided that I would have to choose.

Each sport had its merits, and fie for shame – I’d not a decisive bone in my body! Obviously we all know how it turned out in the end; and I’m moderately happy with my decision. Of course, I assumed this would be the last difficult decision I would ever make.

Now I’m faced with nauseating task of selecting one thing, one bloody path, for the rest of my life. The world is so unkind. I long for my youth; when the world was spread out obsequiously before me to ravage and defile and leave whatever legacy I chose upon it.

Perhaps someday I’ll be granted Solomon’s wisdom to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with myself. Until then, I shall be more than content to hide in bed with the covers thrown over me, praying nobody finds me and forces me to make any sort of important decision.

praeloquor
Well, first and foremost I would like to welcome you to my blog. My motivations for making this are superficial and egotistical at best. Several of my friends have blogs of their own. And while I hardly entertain the thought that mine would be anywhere as sophisticated as they, here I am.

A disclaimer: this was not created by any means to be some sort of dialectic or working dissertation, though I might occasionally wax philosophic. I also shall try to refrain from simply listing the inane moments of my day to day; though once again, I make no guarantees.

As for the author as a person…

I am a female, 18 years of age and currently residing in the Quadrangle dormitory as a freshman at the University of Iowa. Any of you that know much about the different regions of the United States have probably begun to snicker; please note that I merely attend school here. I still consider southern California my true home. And if you’re wondering what motivated my displacement from the eutopian (the eu- meaning “good place”, as opposed to ‘utopia’ meaning “no place”) Pacific coast to Midwestern wasteland of Iowa City, I am a scholarship athlete playing volleyball for the university. Not to sound as though I’m easily bought, but a free college education does make the cornfields seem bearable.

I am a political science major at the moment. Undoubtedly this will change due to my capricious nature and infinitesimal scholarly attention span. My list of majors that I’m considering along with/instead of PoliSci:
• Pre-Medical (well, Biology, seeing as pre-med is not a major unto itself)
• Theology/Religious Studies (a curiosity on the origins of the Judeo-Christian tradition stemming from receiving my primary education at a Lutheran school)
• International Affairs (not too far of a stretch from my current major; more specific)
• Classics (this I can solely attribute to a friend of mine that rekindled a long-dead interest in ancient civilizations)
• Exercise Science/Kinesiology (meh…always been of interest to me, but since I’m an athlete it seems a bit of a cop-out)

I am a middle blocker/opposite hitter, an African-American with Native American and Irish blood, a left-handed writer, a right-handed batter, a Taurus, a registered Republican, a closet Democratic Socialist, a Baptist, a virgin, and an only child. I hope that was enough disclosure for you.

Since I haven’t a clue on what else to incorporate into this first post, I’ll simply end it here with a heartfelt “enjoy!”